SinSatiable

by Shelia E. Bell

  “Why do you do that?”

  “What on earth are you talking about now?” her mother sighed, eased down in her bed and pulled the dingy white hospital covers up to her shoulders.

  “Mother, please. You know fully well what I’m talking about. Telling the doctor that I needed to get back home to Memphis. I’ve been here for you ever since Mrs. Simmons called and told me you were sick.” Aisha fussed.

  “Exactly. And that’s what I’m talking about. You need to get back to a sense of normalcy. If you keep on, you’re going to let that studio of yours go down the drain. You can’t keep putting all of your responsibility on poor Angie.”

  “Will you let me handle my own business? Angie is totally capable of running things while I’m away. Plus, I talk to her every day. Sometimes three or four times a day.”

  “Look, I don’t want to argue with you. I’m trying to get well. You’re just like your father – stubborn and strong willed. He never wanted to listen to what anybody else had to say. And you’re a carbon copy of ‘em.”

  “I do listen to you. But I also listened to the person who knows what you need better than you right now – your doctor. So I don’t want to hear about what I can do or should be doing. Or talking about daddy like it’s so terrible for me to be like him. The only thing I’m going to be doing is taking care of you. And that’s that.” Aisha walked over to the huge picture window and looked out over the city. Looking over her shoulder in the direction of the sound of heavy breathing, she realized her mother had fallen asleep just that quickly. Aisha stole the opportunity to begin gathering the small wardrobe and the mini florist her mother had managed to collect during her hospital stay. One thing was for sure, her mother had many friends at the church she’d joined when she moved to Little Rock. The small congregation of Holiness Tabernacle of Praises was the perfect size. It offered Sandra the attention she always craved from others. The people adored her. In spite of this, Aisha was her mother’s only daughter, her only child for that matter. She felt it was her responsibility and no one else’s to take care of her mother. Sure she wouldn’t deny any one from helping out but ultimately she wanted to be her mother’s caretaker. It took almost an hour for her to finish packing everything together. Next she went to the Nurse’s Station to check on the discharge papers and the medications the doctor wanted her mother to take home with her. Once she finished doing that she called and talked to Angie. She filled her in on what was going on with her mother.

  “Angie, I haven’t received any more strange calls have I?”

  “No. Not that I know of. Kaye hasn’t said anything to me. The calls she passes my way have all been regarding something legit pertaining to the studio. Is everything okay?”

  “Yeah, sure. I was just checking that’s all. I guess I’ll hang up now. You know where to find me if you need me. And again, thanks for handling everything at the studio.”

  “Girl, please you’re not only my boss, you’re my friend Aisha. And friends help each other out during times like this.”

  “Well, I definitely couldn’t do this without your support. But anyway, I’m going to let you go before I start boo hooing. Just put me in my audix so I can check my messages. I’ll call you later. Bye bye.”

  “You have seven messages. To listen to your messages, press….” Aisha quickly bypassed the mechanical instructions and hit the pound key which took her straight into her voice mail. A couple of calls were from people checking to see if she had any available slots for new students. She forwarded the message to Angie’s audix. Another message was from Tameria. She quickly erased it because whenever Tameria couldn’t reach her at the office, she knew how to call her at home or on her cell and she had done just that. Tameria once offered to drive over to Little Rock when her rotation shift ended but Aisha refused. Tameria’s plate was already full and she wasn’t about to add undue pressure on her by allowing her to come and sit with her, I’ll say whatever’s on my mind and I don’t care who likes it mother. Tameria had become used to Mrs. Carlisle’s overly expressive ways over the years. She’d witnessed her during some of the best of times as well as the drama queen tantrums that Mrs. Carlisle was good at throwing. The next call totally took Aisha by surprise. It was from Minister Williams. As soon as she heard his voice being announced over the audix, she flipped out. She had totally forgotten about their Thursday meetings. When was the last time she had attended a counseling session? Oh my God, I can’t believe this and I haven’t even bothered to call him. He must think I’m an idiot, she shouted at herself.

  “Aisha, Minister Williams here. I hope you’re all right. I haven’t heard from you. Natalie said you haven’t called to cancel any of your appointments. Give me a call when you can to let me know how you’re doing.” The next two messages were also from Jackson. “Aisha, it’s me again. Jackson Williams. Are you okay?” I’m really worried now. Please call me. And remember, God is everywhere you are. Call on Him Aisha.”

  Aisha could tell by his somewhat pleading voice that he was genuinely worried about her. He probably thought she was back on drugs which she thanked God was far from the truth. His last call sounded even more desperate than the others. “Aisha, I contacted the young lady who works with you at the studio. Don’t worry, I didn’t tell her any of your business. I told her I needed to talk to you and asked when you would be in. Guess what? She put me in your audix, so here I am again, leaving you a message. Please call me. If you don’t want to attend any more counseling sessions, then call me or Natalie and let one of us know. I promise I won’t be mad at you.” Aisha could tell by the way he said that, he must have had a smile on his face. “And Aisha even if you decide that you don’t want to attend anymore counseling sessions, please don’t stop going to your CA meetings. Call me if you need me. I’m praying for you. Goodbye.”

  He sounds so sweet, Aisha said to herself. I do owe him an explanation as to why I haven’t been coming to my sessions. The man must think I’m really crazy now. She picked up her cell phone and scrolled through her contacts until she reached the church office number. The receptionist forwarded her to Pastoral Care. Natalie answered the phone.

  “Natalie, is Minister Williams available please?” Aisha asked politely.

  “May I tell him whose calling?”

  “Yes. This is Aisha Carlisle.”

  “Aisha. I mean, Miss Carlisle.”

  “No, you were right the first time. Please call me Aisha.”

  “Well, Aisha, Pastor Williams and I have been really concerned about you. It’s like you just dropped off the face of the earth. And Minister Williams said he hasn’t seen you at any of the services. But you and I both know that’s no easy feat anyway with all the people coming through these church doors,” she babbled. ”I didn’t tell him, but I thought to myself, maybe you were on your honeymoon.”

  “Honeymoon? What are you talking about Natalie? Why would you think something like that?” Aisha was flabbergasted to say the least. Sometimes Natalie didn’t know when to shut up.

  “Well, I thought that since you’re engaged that maybe you had gotten married and you and that handsome man who came looking for you that time had gone on your honeymoon.”

  “What on earth are you talking about? What man?”

  Natalie went on to explain to Aisha about the gentleman who had come looking for her several weeks ago, minutes after one of her sessions. She described the man to her. Aisha became frightened. Was it one of Ronald Shipley’s goons or somebody Jason had looking for her to bring harm to her? A lump rose in the back of her throat at the thought. She vaguely heard Natalie going on and on about how shocked she was to learn there was no fiancé’. Aisha then focused in on Chandler. It had to be Chandler. He would do something like that. She finally convinced Natalie that what the stranger told her was indeed a lie and asked her not to repeat it to anyone. Natalie assured her that she hadn’t told a soul, not even Minister Williams.

  “Thank you, Natalie. Did you say Minister Williams was in his off
ice?”

  “Oh, no I didn’t say. I’m sorry. I get carried away sometimes you know. Anyway, he’s out of the building right now. I can take your number and have him call you when he returns if you’d like.”

  “Yes, yes that would be fine.” Aisha left her cell phone number. “Please let him know I called.”

  “I sure will. You take care and have a blessed day.” Natalie hung up the phone. She wondered what was going on with Aisha Carlisle and who that strange man could have been since she wasn’t engaged. She shrugged her shoulders. After a few seconds of contemplating the situation, she returned to shuffling papers around on her desk.

  CHAPTER 37

  “I’m ready to get out of here.” Sandra woke up from her two hour nap. “Have they finished writing up my discharge papers?” she asked groggily.

  “Mother, everything is fine. By the time you get dressed, we should be able to call for a wheelchair. Then I’ll take you home. Come on. Let me help you out of the bed so you can get dressed. And please, take your time Mother. You may think you’re okay, but you still have a long way to go before you get your energy level back up to where it was before you came down with pneumonia.

  “I hear you. And I know what the doctor said. I was here, remember?” Mrs. Carlisle retorted.

  ♦

  In between taking care of her mother, Aisha took the time to clean out her mother’s cupboards and closets. When Sandra moved to Little Rock, she moved many of Bennie’s belongings right along with her. There were still plenty of clothes of her father’s that needed to be given to someone who could use them. Before she washed them, she breathed in for the last time, his scent. Folding and packing the freshly washed clothes, she placed them in several large bags before carrying them to her car. After her CA meeting, she planned to stop by her mother’s church and donate the remaining clothes to the Clothes Closet.

  Her mother listened to Aisha shuffling about the house doing things that she’d wanted done but hadn’t been able to do. “Thank you God for my daughter,” she prayed. Her face was crimson and tears poured down landing on her satin nightgown. It was time she made things right with Aisha. Tomorrow was promised to no one and she didn’t want to leave this earth without asking for her daughter’s forgiveness.

  “Mom, I’ll be back,” Aisha yelled from the front room. I’m going to drop the last of Daddy’s things off at your church for their Clothes Closet.” She turned around and headed to her mother’s room to make sure Sandra heard her. “I’ll bring us some Chinese food back for dinner. That is unless you want something else.” When her mother didn’t acknowledge her, Aisha walked over to her bedside. “Mom, are you all right? You look like you’ve been crying. Are you in pain?” Aisha sat on the side of her mother’s bed and felt her forehead to see if she was warm.

  “I’m fine. You go ahead and take care of your daddy’s things. I’ve wanted to do it for so long but I just couldn’t bring myself to. I’m glad you’re doing it for me.”

  “Well, I tried to do it several times before but you wouldn’t let me.”

  “I know, but I just couldn’t at the time.”

  “I know, Momma. I understand. It was difficult for me too. Somehow even though I know he isn’t coming back, when I was packing his things, it hit me again and I began to miss him terribly.” She felt herself tearing up. The last thing she wanted to do was get her mother upset. That’s probably why her mother had been crying. She had been thinking of Bennie, as Sandra often called him.

  “You go on before it gets dark out there. Chinese is fine with me. You know what I like.”

  “Okay, I’ll be back as soon as I can. I’ve already talked to Mrs. Simmons and she’s going to come over and sit with you until I make it back.”

  “I wish you wouldn’t worry Mattie. I’ll be fine.”

  “Well, I won’t be fine if I know you’re here alone.” Aisha kissed her mother’s forehead and turned to leave. Just as she made it to the back door, Mrs. Simmons ambled up the concrete path.

  “Hi, Mrs. Simmons. Thanks again for coming over.”

  “Honey, please, I don’t mind at all. Me and Sandra are close like that. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for that woman and I know she’d do the same for me. So you go on. Take your time too.”

  “Yes, ma’am. I’m going to stop and get some Chinese. Do you want me to bring you something back?”

  “No, young lady. Me and Chinese don’t see eye to eye. Plus I just ate not too long ago.” She reared back and laughed.

  ♦

  “Did you get everything taken care of?”

  “Yes, ma’am. Pastor told me to tell you that he’s been praying for you. He said that he and the First Lady would be over tomorrow to sit and pray with you.”

  “Oh, that man is such a blessing to me. And his wife, that woman knows she stands by her man,” Sandra remarked.

  Aisha helped her mother into the kitchen and they sat and ate their Chinese food.

  “Aisha, I want to talk to you about something.”

  “Mom, please. I already told you. I have everything under control with the studio and my apartment. I have enough clothes here already and Tameria checks on the apartment. So there. Now let’s talk about something else,” Aisha demanded.

  “Actually, that’s not what I wanted to talk about anyway.”

  “It’s not?” Aisha wrinkled her brow and appeared puzzled. “What is it then?”

  “I want to talk about all the time I’ve wasted being angry and jealous. I want to tell you that I’m sorry. For all the things I said when Bennie died. It wasn’t your fault. None of it was. Before Bennie died, I felt neglected by him. Don’t get me wrong. I know that he loved me. He loved me dearly, but sometimes I believed he loved me because I gave him you. You were the center of his universe outside of God.”

  “Mother, please don’t say such things. I’m the one that’s been wrong all the years before Daddy died. I didn’t want to cause problems between the two of you Momma. Honest, I didn’t. I’m the one who’s sorry.”

  “You didn’t cause problems honey. I wanted you to believe you did because I was jealous of my own daughter’s relationship with her father. You see, you had the kind of relationship I always wanted to have with my daddy when I was a little girl. I wanted to have all of his love and attention but he was too busy working all the time, trying to make a decent living for us. He worked hard too Aisha. And instead of being thankful for him, I despised him for being away from home so much. When I met your father, he was attentive and romantic. He showered me with his time. There was nothing that man wouldn’t do for me.”

  “Momma, don’t say anything else. Why don’t you rest? We’ll talk when you’re better.”

  “No, I want to say this now. The day you were born, I don’t remember ever seeing him as happy as he was at that moment. You were always a Daddy’s girl. In the beginning it was fine. But when you became older, it seemed like everything centered around you. Whenever he was at home, it was you not me that he showered with attention and gifts. It was you he wanted to spend his time with. Not me. But I didn’t make it easy for him either. I was always so critical of him. Nothing he ever did was good enough for me. But you, you were so easy to please. He loved and adored you. Baby, won’t you forgive me? Mrs. Carlisle pleaded. “I love you sweetheart.”

  Aisha laid her head on the side of her mother’s shoulder. Wrapping her arm around her mother, Aisha wept. Between sobs, she said, “I love you too. For so many years I thought you didn’t love me. And I didn’t know what to do about it. I would pray to God over and over again asking him to make you love me. You have no idea how much you mean to me Momma.”

  Sandra stroked the top of her daughter’s head and brushed Aisha’s hair with the back of her hands. At that moment, Aisha felt the weight of the heavy burden she had carried during her life being lifted from her. A sense of release washed over her soul. She felt a spiritual cleansing taking place. Jackson was right, she thought. “When the time is right, thin
gs will work out. Each day is an opportunity for a new beginning,” was what he told her. Aisha silently thanked God for yet another miracle.

  After a long tiring day, Aisha retired to her bedroom. She collapsed on the full size bed and curled up in a knot. Staring at the phone next to the bed, she pondered over whether or not she should call Jackson. The clock radio displayed 9:00 p.m. Jackson left his cell number on my audix. And he did say call him whenever I got his message. She placed her hand on the receiver, picked it up, then abruptly placed it back on the hook. Naw. It’s too late. The man didn’t mean for me to call him this time of night. I’ll call him tomorrow. To keep her mind off of him, she took a long bath, then climbed up in the bed and started reading an old J. California Cooper novel, Some Love Some Pain until sleep overtook her.

  For the next several days Aisha remained at her mother’s side almost constantly. They talked, went on short walks along the sidewalk to help build her mother’s strength. They laughed and had a good time watching Sandra’s favorite daytime show, Judge Mathis. They spent time getting to know each other all over again.

  CHAPTER 38

  “It’s good to have you back, girl. Things haven’t been the same since you’ve been gone.”

  “Angie, thank you. I missed this place.” Aisha looked around the studio, noticing every detail around her. It felt good to be back at home. Her mother was doing fine. Things between them had drastically improved. Every now and then, Sandra Carlisle had snapped at Aisha or said something out of line, but Aisha had come to understand that there were some things that would never change. Finally, she had been able to let her mother’s sometimes insensitive, thoughtless remarks, ‘roll off of her like water rolled off of oil.

  ♦

  “Come on, girls. Let’s get with it. Just because I’ve been away doesn’t mean you should be unprepared. You’ve had some great instructors and I want you to show me what you’ve been doing in my absence. Now, come on. Get with it.” She clapped her hands and yelled out her instructions.