Cinderella Girl

by Carin Gerhardsen

  The dream was becoming clearer every time he had it. And although the woman had not always taken her shape, now it was Margit Olofsson standing in the window, mocking him. Since the woman in the dream had assumed Margit’s features, the dream had become that much more unpleasant. Why, he didn’t know. It had been unpleasant enough, without the woman in the window having a name. He wanted to push the dream out of his mind, but he failed. It encircled his thoughts like a fog bank.

  Careful to conceal how tense and upset he was, he turned around in bed. He took Åsa in his arms and buried his face between her cheek and shoulder. Her hair smelled of celery. When Åsa ate celery her whole body smelled of it for hours afterwards. She smelled like Åsa, and that was the most marvellous scent he knew. How he loved this woman. But then, as they made love in the darkness, it was still Margit Olofsson he saw before his eyes.

  * * *

  Elise was still in bed, silent and still. Maybe she was asleep; she didn’t respond and her eyes were closed. Jennifer had a feeling her little sister had thrown up a few times during the night, because she had kept running into the bathroom. She had come home fairly early, but she hadn’t said much and she’d looked terrible. Dead drunk probably. You couldn’t tolerate much at that age; she was only fourteen after all. Jennifer closed the door to their room and went out to the hall.

  The door to the living room was still closed, and Jennifer had no idea who or what was concealed behind it. Maybe it was Solan and her guy. Someone was sleeping in there anyway, because she heard heavy breathing and sometimes a snore. It was probably a frightful mess in there too. She wasn’t even going to set foot in the kitchen. It stank of sour beer and old cigarette butts, rubbish everywhere. Gordon was lying on the kitchen floor, fully clothed and with nothing to cover him, but under his head he had a rolled-up rag rug as a pillow. He was lying completely still with his mouth open, and she couldn’t see whether he was breathing. He might just as well be dead, she thought, but just then he let out a muffled whimper. She looked contemptuously at the floored wreckage of a person and thought how today Elise would have to do the cleaning; she was going to have fun.

  Jennifer reached for the leather jacket on the hook and put it on. With an accustomed movement she tugged up the blonde hair that was inside the collar and let it fall down over her shoulders. Then she left the disaster area behind her, a bulging bag over her shoulder; she did not intend to come back within the next thirty-six hours.

  Fanny and Malin were waiting for her outside the Intersport shop at the corner of Dalslandsgatan and Götgatan. And Joakim. He was also standing there, a little further away. She didn’t know why; she had suggested they meet at Central Station, but here he was anyway. For some reason she felt ill at ease and avoided looking at him, greeting her friends instead.

  At first she pretended not to see him. Joakim didn’t know how to interpret that, what he ought to do, but after some consideration he gathered his courage and went up to the girls, making a show of being unconcerned. Jennifer didn’t react at all at first, but finally gave him a distant glance. Only now did she see that his face was completely battered.

  ‘What the hell happened to you?’ she cried out. ‘You look freaky!’

  Joakim didn’t know whether he should tell the truth or come up with an excuse, so he chose the simplest way and told her what really happened.

  ‘Uh, Dad had a fit,’ he answered nonchalantly. ‘That’s the way he is.’

  Malin and Fanny were staring at him with admiration and then looked enquiringly at Jennifer, who seemed embarrassed.

  ‘Hmm,’ was all she said. ‘Well, this is Joakim. A friend. He’s coming along tonight. Or …?’

  She turned to Joakim with a look that said it didn’t matter either way.

  ‘Of course,’ said Joakim. ‘That’s what we said.’

  The situation felt strange. Jennifer was not like she usually was, now her friends were here. It was almost like she was ashamed of him. Usually she was so gentle and straightforward. Of course, yesterday when he needed her most she hadn’t answered when he tried to reach her on her mobile. Instead of being with Jennifer, he’d spent the night in the city, wandered the streets around Sergelstorg, ridden the night bus, had a couple of beers by himself and killed a few hours at a McDonald’s. Now he just wanted to hug her, but he couldn’t when she was like this. Instead he placed his hand on her shoulder and squeezed her upper arm a little. Jennifer didn’t react at all, but took off towards the stairs down to the metro over at Ringvägen, walking quickly.

  ‘Come on, let’s go get the tickets,’ was all she said.

  In the metro carriage they all stood, even though there were plenty of seats. The girls babbled on about this and that but did not draw Joakim into the conversation; after a while he sat down on a seat near them. He studied Jennifer, her facial expressions and movements, without listening to what they were talking about.

  With her self-confident manner she was everything he wasn’t. She was relaxed and natural and in a quiet way she was automatically the centre of attraction in every situation. Not to mention how good-looking she was. He wanted to hold her; he wanted her to smile that smile at him again. He wanted to dance with her, kiss her neck and stroke her gleaming hair.

  What had happened? Was she tired of him, or had there never been anything between them? Was it just a game, a whim for her, and now everything was over and without his having understood the rules of the game? Or was she just shy in front of her friends? Before there had only been the two of them.

  Suddenly he felt unsure about going along on this Finland cruise; maybe it would turn out completely different from how he had imagined it. He didn’t have his father’s permission either, so maybe it would be just as well not to go. Then he remembered how his father had attacked him the night before and he hesitated no longer. Of course he would go along on this trip. With a few beers under his belt he would feel fine. Jennifer would lighten up and get giggly and cuddly and he would take care of her and treat her to everything she wanted. Of course he would go along.

  He smiled at her and she seemed to have sensed his gaze on her back, because suddenly she turned towards him and gave him what might be a hint of a smile. And then immediately started gossiping with her friends again. Maybe they were talking about him, because sometimes they looked over at him too. In contrast to Jennifer, their smiles were friendly.

  As they made their way up out of the metro at Central Station, Joakim stayed a few steps behind the girls; Jennifer turned around every now and then to make sure he was still there. And at the entrance to the Viking Line office in the bus terminal, to his surprise she stopped and waited for him. When it was their turn in the line she took him by the arm before they went up to the counter. He felt his face turning bright red, but hoped it wasn’t noticeable under his beard and wounds.

  The woman behind the counter looked startled when she saw Joakim, and it struck him that his current appearance would scare the wits out of anyone. Maybe that was why Jennifer had kept her distance. But she was standing close beside him now, holding her arm under his.

  ‘We’ve booked tickets to Åbo this evening,’ said Jennifer.

  ‘And the name was …?’

  ‘Jennifer Johansson.’

  ‘So, how old are you?’ the woman asked, studying them suspiciously over her reading glasses.

  ‘We’re twenty,’ said Jennifer, nodding in her friends’ direction.

  ‘And you?’ she said, looking at Joakim without concealing her distaste.

  ‘Twenty-four,’ Joakim replied.

  ‘I see. Can you prove it?’ said the woman in an ice-cold voice.

  Joakim took his wallet from the back pocket of his jeans and fished out his ID. Her gaze flicked back and forth between Joakim and the ID card; apparently she could visualize Joakim going berserk in the bar on Viking Cinderella. Finally she nodded and her gaze swept over Joakim, Jennifer’s arm under Joakim’s, Malin, and finally Fanny.

  ‘And you then
?’

  Fanny pulled out her fake driver’s licence and they got their tickets without further questions.

  Saturday Afternoon

  Her tummy was screaming with hunger now. Hanna did not understand how Mummy could take Lukas and move away without giving her something to eat first. It was obvious that they had moved away; Mummy had taken not only her handbag but the sheets too. Hanna found pillows and covers on the armchair in the bedroom – Mummy probably couldn’t carry them – but the sheets were gone, so they must be sleeping somewhere else. Mummy and Lukas weren’t hiding anywhere in the apartment; instead they had disappeared while she was asleep. She’d known it the whole time: Mummy only loves Lukas. Even though he screams and throws up.

  At first Hanna was very sad, but that had passed. She still thought Mummy was mean, so it didn’t matter that she had moved away. It was just nice not to be nagged all the time. Now she mostly felt angry. And so hungry that she was starting to feel sick. She knew where the saucepans were, so it was just a matter of getting started. It couldn’t be that hard. She took out a saucepan from the cupboard under the stove and placed it on the counter. Then she dragged the child’s chair all the way from the dining-room table to the sink, climbed up on it and turned on the water. She took a firm hold of the saucepan with both hands and held it under the running water.

  ‘Ouch!’

  One hand ended up under the stream and the scalding hot water caused her to let go of the saucepan; when the saucepan landed in the sink hot water bounced against the edge and up into her face. She almost lost her balance, but at the last moment managed to grab hold of the counter. She screamed and screamed while she crawled back down to the floor, but no one came to her rescue.

  The pain in her face subsided fairly quickly, but the burned hand was throbbing and soon turned completely red. The tears streamed down her cheeks and she lay as if paralysed on the kitchen floor, howling. She hoped that Mummy, despite everything, would hear her and come running like she always did when Hanna hurt herself. But she knew that it wouldn’t happen this time; Mummy had got tired of her at last. Why did Hanna nag and whine, why did she have to be so difficult all the time? Mummy had warned her many times and said she couldn’t put up with any more fussing. Now she’d had enough and taken Lukas with her and moved away. Without Hanna. And it probably served her right.

  When she had recovered somewhat, the hunger pangs asserted themselves again. Hanna resumed her hunt for something to eat. Something that didn’t need to be cooked. She went through cupboards and drawers methodically until she found the sweets. She’d ventured up on the chair again to hunt in one of the upper cupboards, where deep bowls and large platters were stacked. Here Mummy hid old bags of sweets from parties, a box of chocolates, a bag of lollipops, a tin of gummy bears and a bag the contents of which Hanna could not see. She poked around a little with one arm and everything except the box of chocolates crashed down to the floor. After a few more attempts she managed to push it so far forward on the shelf that she could grasp it with her fingers. She climbed carefully down from the chair, sat down on the floor and stuffed her mouth full of sweets. Mummy wouldn’t like it, but then she should have stayed here with Hanna if she wanted to say no.

  When she was full she wiped her sticky fingers on her nightie and got up. Her nappy was now so heavy that one Velcro fastening had come loose. Hanna peeled off the other one too and freed herself from the burden, which thudded on to the kitchen floor. She wandered aimlessly around the deserted apartment before she sat down on the floor in front of the TV in the living room. She rubbed her sore hand and studied the buttons on the remote control apprehensively. It was impossible to know which of the many buttons she should push to get it to work, but after she randomly played with the keypad for a few minutes the TV suddenly came on.

  She remained sitting there, in front of an incomprehensible programme with women and men wearing strange clothes and speaking a peculiar language, her thoughts fluttering around. At last she felt fairly comfortable, with her belly full and the room filled with TV voices. But her hand still hurt. It would really be nice if Mummy or Daddy could come anyway and blow on it so the hurt would go away. But Daddy would be gone for many days, she knew that. And Mummy had moved away.

  But maybe Mummy would stop by anyway to visit her? Then Hanna would be really happy and nice and not nag or whine at all. She would show Mummy that she could do better and that she had done everything right when she had to take care of herself. She would sleep in her own bed and make nice drawings for Lukas. She would take a bath and wash her hair – without shrieking. She would not take out a lot of toys unnecessarily and she would put the ones she was finished playing with back in their place. When Mummy saw that she would change her mind and move back home again.

  Finally, when she couldn’t keep her eyes open any longer, she lay down on the parquet floor and fell asleep, secure in the company of the TV.

  Saturday Evening

  After checking in and getting their room keys they went down to the cabin to drop off their bags. It was a four-bed cabin with two lower beds and two upper beds that opened out from the wall. There was also a small bathroom with toilet, sink and shower.

  Malin and Fanny quickly laid claim to the more comfortable lower beds. Jennifer grumbled a little and suggested they draw straws, but Joakim was not at all bothered. Up above, you could be alone. He tossed his bag up on one of the upper bunks and Jennifer’s on the other, but he was hoping that one bed would be enough for both of them.

  Another group of both girls and guys had joined up with them at the terminal and was sharing another two cabins. They were all younger than Joakim; none of the girls appeared to be older than twenty, perhaps twenty-three for the guys. Everyone knew everyone, except Joakim, who knew only Jennifer. But that was enough for him.

  Jennifer suggested they go straight to the duty-free shop to buy drinks, and everyone was in favour. They had to stand outside and wait for a while, until the boat had put out. Jennifer was once again reserved towards him, but Joakim decided to take matters into his own hands. He put a pinch of snuff under his lip and went around and introduced himself to everyone. To the question of what had happened to his face, his brief reply was simply that he’d been in a fight. This explanation did not seem to upset anyone; just the opposite. The ground under his feet gradually felt steadier.

  He introduced himself as Jennifer’s boyfriend, which was received with some surprise, but it was also apparent that this inspired respect. Jennifer was certainly a sought-after prize and he got a feeling that with this revelation he had made a considerable move up the status ladder. Now that their relationship was established she couldn’t just ignore him, and the boys in the gang would keep their hands off her. Only Jennifer seemed indifferent, and she did not respond to his smile.

  The shop opened and everyone bought what they wanted without being carded. On board the attitude towards suspected minors was more relaxed than it had been at the ticket counter and during boarding; the fake IDs had been left in back pockets and handbags. Joakim ended up being one of the last of the group in line at the till, and when it was time to pay for his beer Jennifer slipped in alongside him and put her arm around his waist.

  ‘Hi!’ he said, happily surprised at the sudden change in her manner.

  He placed his arm around her shoulders and gave a little extra squeeze.

  ‘Do you want anything?’ he asked.

  ‘Yes, this,’ she answered, nodding at the basket she had in her hand.

  ‘I’ll get that,’ said Joakim. ‘Put it through the checkout and we’ll get all this together.’

  When they walked out of the store Jennifer said apologetically, ‘Thanks, that was super nice of you! Student aid doesn’t go very far.’

  ‘Are you short of money?’ asked Joakim.

  ‘Usually,’ answered Jennifer, ‘but it’ll work out.’

  ‘Take this,’ said Joakim, handing her a five-hundred-kronor note.

  ‘Y
ou’re so sweet,’ Jennifer smiled, putting the money in her jeans pocket.

  They went back down to their cabins as a group, where the long night’s partying got under way. Joakim was gathering the courage to sound Jennifer out. He had hoped they would be able to get some time to themselves in the cabin, but in vain. It didn’t really matter, however, once the liquor and Elephant beer started flowing he grew more confident and it brought results. Jennifer unexpectedly stayed put after he pulled her on to his lap, as he sat on the bed in one of the group’s other two cabins. He held on to her and breathed in the scent of her newly washed hair without her pulling away. Everything was like normal again. He had been right to introduce himself to Jennifer’s friends as her boyfriend, and now he was there drinking and enjoying himself like everyone else. The intoxication increased and Jennifer turned and kissed him on the mouth. He responded to the kiss and felt even more than before that he wanted her to himself.

  ‘Come on, Jennifer, let’s go to our cabin,’ he whispered through the golden-blonde hair, but she squirmed and giggled disarmingly.

  ‘Not now, Joakim, later. I want to party. Can’t we stay with the others and have some fun?’

  He went along with her gladly. Now they were back on track and he was exhilarated, proud and in love. He knocked back half a can of beer in one go and opened another. Jennifer was drinking vodka and Coke, and he wondered how her small body could tolerate so much, but on the other hand she was not exactly inexperienced.

  Sitting next to him on the bed was Andreas, who looked to be about nineteen. He was broad-shouldered with an athletic appearance and a Nike T-shirt that fit snugly around a pair of muscular upper arms. He too had a big wad of snuff under his lip and Joakim toasted with him. Andreas told Joakim about a trip he’d taken to Kos during the summer, while Jennifer entertained herself – still from her position on his lap – with Malin, Fanny and two of the other guys. The noise level was high; a portable CD player boomed from the floor at one end of the cramped room and the music drowned out all the other conversations in the cabin.