Confession Of A Nerdoholic

by Savannah Blevins

  “Not anymore. I’ll quit school before I take another dime from you.”

  My father laughed.

  Laughed.

  As if standing up for myself was some kind of joke. “Do you think you’re impressing him right now?”

  “Leave Oliver out of this.”

  “You’ve always been so much like her.”

  Her. He wouldn’t even say my mother’s name. I guessed “her” was better than the explicative he usually used to describe the woman he was supposed to love.

  “Leave my mother out of it too. This isn’t about anyone but me and you.”

  He rolled his eyes. “You’re going to end up just like her. Some two-bit airhead, sulking around bars hoping to get knocked up by the first decent man with a job.”

  He always did this too—degraded her. He’d been introduced to my mother at a bar by a mutual friend. To hear him tell it, she’d come there for the sole purpose of getting pregnant with me so she could trap him into marrying her.

  Because—you know—he was such a catch and all.

  “I’m tired. Do you realize that? I’m tired of this same argument. That’s why I didn’t send you my grades, because I didn’t want to have this same fight. The same one we have every single time I don’t follow your rules.” I threw my hands in the air, my voice breaking. “And you know what…maybe I am like her. Maybe I want to be like her. She was strong enough to leave you. Maybe all I want is that same strength. Just to be enough like her to escape you.”

  “You ungrateful—” He spun around, marching across the room. “I should have let her take you.”

  “Take me?”

  “Go on—fail your classes. End up on the street.”

  I stepped closer to him. “What do you mean by you should have let her take me?”

  He pointed at me, words on the tip of his tongue, but he didn’t say them.

  My voice broke. “Answer me. Did she try to take me with her?”

  His eyes narrowed as he turned toward the door.

  “Look at me.” My voice was a shrill scream now.

  His expression, his stance. Everything about my father in that instant should have induced fear. He wouldn’t cross that line, though, not in front of Oliver. That was the secret to his success. He only allowed me to see the real him. The world saw the hardworking, single father who doted on his honor roll daughter every chance he got. He reserved the rest of him, the dark part that rooted itself deep inside of him, just for me.

  He pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket and slammed it on the table next to me. It was a plane ticket. He’d already bought it. He never planned to let me stay. “It leaves tonight. You be on it.”

  I was very lucky Oliver stayed. The glare in his eye pretty much screamed it at me. He would have made me go. Physically made me. He stormed out without another word.

  Oliver’s hand touched my shoulder, but I could barely feel it. “Elle?”

  “She wanted to take me with her.”

  His hand gripped my shoulder, and I fell to the floor.

  “She wanted to take me with her.”

  He pulled me against his chest. “It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.”

  Tears brimmed over my lashes. “I could have been with her this whole time.”

  Every dream…every fantasy I ever had of being with my mom hurt so much worse now. It could have been real. We could have had that loft apartment in the city. We could have spent our mornings baking. I could have had someone to share my secrets with, and shop for my prom dress. I could have had someone to celebrate my accomplishments instead of expect them with the fear of the consequence looming over my head.

  I could have been free.

  Happy.

  I clenched my hand in the front of Oliver’s shirt and pushed away. I didn’t want him to meet my father. I didn’t want him to know some part of that man somehow existed inside of me.

  “No.” Oliver tried to pull me back. “Stay with me. We can talk about this.”

  We couldn’t. How could I in good conscience subject Oliver to that man?

  “I can’t. I can’t do this.”

  “Yes, Elle. You can. I’m here. Talk to me.”

  “I think I just need to be alone right now.”

  “No. That’s what he wants. He wants this to push you away from me.”

  I got up, and Oliver grabbed my hand. “He wants to isolate you, Eloise. He wants to keep you away from anyone who might actually love you. He saw it on my face as soon as he walked in the door. I was a threat. He knew it.”

  It was too much.

  My breath lodged in my throat.

  My hands kept slipping out of his, and then I realized it was because I kept pulling away. My feet moved backward, toward the door.

  “Stay with me, Eloise.” Oliver’s face. His perfect, beautiful face. “We can fix this, sweetie. Stay.”

  Wrong.

  Everything about it felt wrong. Panic ate at me. It devoured me.

  What would I do now?

  Suddenly, Oliver’s hands were on my shoulders. Pressing down. “Calm down, baby. Slow your breathing. You’re going to hyperventilate.”

  His words…that look on his face…it choked me.

  “I need to be alone.”

  Alone. Just how my father wanted it.

  Chapter

  Twenty-Three

  GLORIOUS REALITY

  The black tulle that stuck out underneath the hem of my halter dress scratched against my bare knees. I sat on the floor of the kitchen at Sugar Cube, my recipe book gripped in my arms. I knew my father too well. If I went back to California with him, he’d find a way to wipe away my bake shop dream. He probably already had me an internship set up with his company and applications waiting for my graduate degree.

  Yes. I considered it. It was engrained in my head. You didn’t defy my father. You might try to defy him, but in the end, you did what he said.

  Tears wet my eyelashes as I tried not to think about my future. I didn’t want to leave this place. Sugar Cube and Gretchen had become my fantasy family. I didn’t want to lose her, or her words of wisdom and constant inspiration. I needed someone like Gretchen in my life to keep the crazy teenage side of me in check while still giving me enough room to grow and learn from my own mistakes.

  Then there were my friends. What would I do without a Sloan and an Ava in California? I wasn’t exactly the easiest person to get to know, and if you managed to bypass the exterior turn offs, there was my quirky sense of humor and off the wall antics to deal with. Friends like them didn’t pop out of thin air.

  I couldn’t bring myself to think about Oliver. There wasn’t another Oliver Edwards in the entire world. He was irreplaceable. A nerd who loved my cupcakes as much as I loved making them. I wasn’t naïve enough to think something couldn’t go wrong with our barely new relationship, but I’ve never wanted to take the chance on heartbreak as much as I did with him. The risk finally outweighed the cost.

  It was very simple. There was no going back. Bartholomew Duncan couldn’t be in my life anymore. Oliver was right. My father isolated me. He hid me away from anyone who might actually offer me the love and attention I needed to function. The love that would inspire my defeated willpower to defy him.

  He’d kept me away from my mother. That alone was unforgiveable.

  There was a soft knock on the door behind me. I didn’t look up. I saw the toes of Oliver’s Chuck Taylors standing in the doorframe. I couldn’t even bear to look at him. I didn’t want to see everything I was about to lose.

  “May I come in?”

  I sobbed.

  Even after witnessing everything at my apartment. Even after I left him standing there alone. Oliver was here.

  I glanced up, my vision blurred, but I could still see him. His hair was slightly more chaotic than it had been at my apartment earlier. A green jacket covered his black shirt with a giant replica of the periodic table on it. In his arms he held a couple notebooks and what looked like m
y anatomy book. His hand touched the place on his chest where his heart would be.

  I stared down at my recipe book. “I’m sorry.”

  Oliver’s gaze dropped to me as he bent down in front of me. “You don’t have to apologize to me, Elle.”

  “I do, actually. I shouldn’t have left.”

  He touched my cheek. “You were overwhelmed. It’s understandable.”

  Forgiveness. Acceptance. I wasn’t accustomed to these things.

  I wiped away a stray tear. “My mother left when I was only a kid. I thought she was so desperate to get away from him that she didn’t think about me. I didn’t know she’d tried to take me with her.” I bit my lip at the harsh truth of it. “I was nothing more than a bargaining chip to him. He thought if he kept me, she would come back.”

  Oliver took his hand in mine, setting his books down beside me.

  I squeezed it, intertwining my fingers with his. “I’m glad she didn’t come back. You know, for her sake.”

  “Is he why you were so worried about your grade? Because you were literally afraid to tell him?”

  I nodded. “You heard him. He’s been looking for an excuse to make me come back home. I knew he would use my grade against me. I’m over it, though. I meant what I said. I’ll either find a way to pay my tuition myself, or I’ll quit.”

  Oliver moved over beside me and sat against the wall. His ankle connected with mine as he playfully knocked his heel against the toe of my bare foot. I’d discarded my shoes in the corner when I came in.

  “I hope you don’t mind, but I took a peek at your grades when you left. You made a 4.0 last semester, and you’re doing amazing in all your other classes. If we brought your grade up, you’d be eligible to apply for a scholarship for next year.”

  “I can’t possibly bring my grade up to an A, Oliver. It’s statistically impossible.”

  “Actually,” he said, scooting his glasses up his nose, “it’s not impossible. Improbable, because it would mean you making a perfect grade on the final, but it can be done.”

  I peered over at the stack of books he’d brought with him. “You think I could do that?”

  Oliver held my hand between both his, bringing it up to his lips. He placed a soft kiss across my knuckles. “I think you can do anything you want to do, Elle.”

  I got up and set my recipe book on the table. “I have other classes. I have projects due, and the final exams in English and calculus won’t be a walk in the park. Then I have work, and…”

  “You can do it.” Oliver pulled himself to his feet, placed his hands on my hips, and pulled me toward him. “I know you can, and I’ll help you.”

  “We will all help you.”

  I peeked over Oliver’s shoulder to find Sloan, Ava, Preston, Brad, and Gretchen all huddled just outside the door. I shot an accusing look at him. “You called them?”

  “Of course, I called them.” He smiled like it should have been obvious. “We’re not willing to let you fail. We’ll get you a scholarship for next year.”

  “That’s right,” Sloan said, coming over to me. “And we’ll move in together next year. It’ll save us both money that we can put toward books.”

  Gretchen walked over to my side. “And you know you always have a job here.”

  I looked around at all their faces. They believed in me. They cared about me unconditionally. “I can do this,” I said confidently.

  Oliver hugged me. “I know you can.”

  For the first in my life, I believed it. I believed in myself.

  ***

  The ten o’clock flight out of DC to Los Angeles left with one empty seat.

  Chapter

  Twenty-Four

  ESCAPE

  I walked into Rowdy Randy’s with my head held high. I carried a simple white envelope, and inside it were my final grades. I hadn’t looked at them yet. Oliver sat waiting for me on a stool at the bar. I came up behind him and ran my hand across his shoulder. “Well, don’t you look fetching?”

  He glanced back at me and smiled. His tux was pristine. Solid black with a perfect bowtie. He’d tamed his hair as much as he could manage it. In his case, that probably took a lot of effort. “Thank you.”

  He straightened his tie. “You look pretty spectacular yourself.”

  I twirled around in my new red sequined dress. It fit like a glove over my generous curves. I had an event later this afternoon. Gretchen had signed me up to be a vendor at the largest wedding event in the state. I had a cupcake wedding cake I would display for all the soon-to-be brides and wedding planners to see. Thousands would be in attendance, which meant major publicity for Cupcakes by Eloise.

  I curtsied. “Thank you, kind sir.”

  He pointed at the envelope. “Have you checked it yet?”

  I placed the envelope on the counter. “Don’t worry about the grades. They’ll be there tomorrow.”

  He raised a brow, and I leaned into him.

  “So, I don’t know if anyone has told you, but I’m kind of a big deal.”

  He leaned back and laughed. “Oh, really?”

  “Yep. If you play your cards right, I might even give you my autograph.”

  “Your autograph, huh?”

  “Yep. It’s really unique. It’s ten digits.”

  Oliver’s grin covered his entire face. “So, what does a guy need to do for that kind A-list treatment?”

  The bartender came by and set my favorite drink, a tequila sunrise in front of me. Oliver must have ordered it for me before I arrived. I held it up. “This is a good start. This will at least get you the area code.”

  Oliver reached over and grabbed the envelope. “The suspense is killing me. Do you mind if I peek?”

  I shrugged and downed a gulp of the drink. “Sure. I don’t care what it says. If I don’t get that scholarship, I will just take out loans like every other student in America.” My father’s way wasn’t the only way. I would choose my own path from now on.

  He hadn’t called or contacted me in any way since he stormed out of my apartment that night. He’d cut off my debit card, though, so I had to open my own account and set up to have all my paychecks auto delivered to it.

  I would not fall to his tactics. He wouldn’t starve me out. There was nothing he could take away from me that I wouldn’t give up to keep my new life just the way it was.

  Oliver slid his finger under the envelope’s edge and tore it open. I twirled my straw around in the frozen ice as he unfolded it. Funny how I no longer felt that foreboding sense of dread. So, what if I only managed to bring it up to a C? The world would go on. I’d learn from it, and do better next semester. In the end, I would get the same degree as the people who graduated top of the class.

  Oliver read down the paper then very carefully folded it up.

  “Well,” I said, nodding toward the paper that he placed back into the envelope. “What did it say?”

  He smirked. “I thought you didn’t care.”

  “I care. It’s just different now. I care for myself.”

  He handed the envelope over to me. “You should see it for yourself.”

  I took the paper, ripped it out of the envelope, and opened it. I scanned the sheet, checking to make sure my for-sure classes were, in fact, the grade I expected them to be before moving down to the one that counted.

  Introduction to Anatomy: B

  I smiled.

  Yes. Smiled.

  I had never in my life been so proud of a B.

  “Oh my god. I can’t believe I actually did it.”

  Oliver touched my elbow. “So, you’re not disappointed?”

  I shook the paper at him. “Are you kidding me? I had a 58 at midterms. This is a miraculous accomplishment.”

  Oliver grinned. “It is. I’m very proud of you.”

  “This probably means I won’t get the scholarship, but you know what…life goes on. It will be okay. The world isn’t going end.”

  “You know what?” Oliver stood and hugged me. “I t
otally agree. In fact, your optimism has inspired me.”

  “Really? To do what?”

  His gaze ran down my skintight dress. “How much time did you say we had until the event started?”

  I elbowed him playfully. “Only an hour now.”

  His face fell and I hugged him tighter. “Afterward, though…I’m all yours.”

  Oliver and I enjoyed our drinks together, raising a toast to my hard earned B. We arrived at the event early. It was held upstairs in the convention center. Over three hundred vendors were set up, ranging from bakeries, florists, DJs, and everything else a bride might even consider for her wedding. I was determined to make us stand out. Cupcakes by Eloise went for high glamour. Oliver and Sloan were my waiters who would carry around platters of bitesize cupcakes for everyone to sample. I stood next to my giant wedding cake display, prepared to answer questions. Gretchen and Ava handed out flyers and information packets about all our stuff available at the bakery.

  My hands turned clammy as people started arriving. Ava snuck over toward me and handed me a glass of sparkling wine. “Here. I stole it from one of other vendors. I thought you could use something to calm your nerves.”

  I took the drink and pulled her into my side. “You never know. There are a lot of cake vendors here. I may not have to talk to anyone tonight.”

  Ava knocked her hip into mine. “I really hope you’re wrong.”

  They opened the doors, and people started filing into the banquet room. We had a prime spot in the corner at the end of the first row. Gretchen clapped her hands to get our attention. “Everyone to your spots. It’s game time.”

  Ava gave me another quick hug, but she disappeared behind the table with her information packets.

  I was dead wrong about not getting any visitors to our table. I must have talked to every bride at the event. My cupcake wedding cake was a hit. Ava scrambled behind the curtain to put more packets together because everyone who stopped by wanted pricing information, and several dozen went ahead and set up appointments to come in and book their cake.

  Two hours into the event, I was mentally exhausted. Gretchen took my spot to let me slip off and take a break. I moved over to the next table, which happened to be a catering service. They were giving away free samples of pasta. I grabbed a plate and found a quiet spot in the corner. Maybe some food in my stomach would help.