My Dirty Detour: An Alpha Male Mafia Comedy Romance

by Grace Risata

  Wow. I never expected her to divulge all that. I jumped up and gave her a hug. “I’m so sorry for your loss, Dottie. How awful it must be to find your soul mate and then lose him after such a short time. How do you ever get past that?”

  “You never do. I learned to go on without him. I know we’ll be together again one day in the afterlife. A love like that doesn’t go away forever. He’s just in a different place right now and we’ll be reunited. I have to believe that or I’d have no hope at all,” she said. I vowed to learn from Dottie’s mistakes and live every moment to the fullest.

  Tuesday Evening, Week Two

  I arrived at Grim Rock to the welcome sight of Rocky sitting at my desk speaking with Larry and a new guy I’d never met. He handed the new guy a packet of paperwork.

  “Lance, just have these filled out and turned in by the end of the night so I can file them with the state. I also need a copy of your driver’s license and social security card. You can follow Larry into the factory and he’ll give you a tour and get you started.” Lance must be the new employee to replace the one that was fired last week. He turned around, noticed me standing there, and flashed a smile.

  “Hello there, who might you be?” he inquired.

  “My name is Violet. I work here. Sort of, but not really. It’s complicated.” He followed after Larry with a puzzled look on his face. I guess my answer was pretty vague.

  Rocky looked pleased to see me. “Good job with the spreadsheet of customer records and orders for the year. I found two boxes with the orders from last year and I’d like you to do the same worksheet with those too.” They were working me to death. My spreadsheet and organization of last week’s info was worth way more than the “be aware of your surroundings” bullshit lecture I got this morning. I was definitely getting the short end of the stick here.

  “Is there a problem?” Rocky asked as he noticed the annoyance written all over my face.

  “No, not at all. I was just scanning my surroundings for any weapons to use later, should a problem arise,” I answered with a smile.

  “And what did you come up with?”

  “The front desk has a pair of scissors in the drawer as well as a glittery scented pen to stab a person with. I could also use the heavy calculator to smash over someone’s head.” Like for example, the someone who was currently sitting in my desk with a smug expression.

  “Very good. Carry on then.” And with that he left to supervise the activity on the factory floor. I waited until he was out of earshot and mocked him in a high pitched British voice. “Very well, carry on then.” Unfortunately Sergio picked that very second to walk out of Rocky’s office and heard every word I said. Oops. Busted.

  “What were you saying, Violet?” Sergio asked, barely keeping a straight face.

  “Nothing. Just thinking out loud.”

  “Don’t worry, I won’t tell.” He shook his head, smiling as he went to join Rocky.

  I worked for two hours uninterrupted and managed to sort the entire year into alphabetical customers by month of purchase. I was starting to enter it all into my spreadsheet when Rocky came over to tell me it was quarter after eight and time to call it a night. I wonder what overtime pays?

  I put the piles of paper away neatly and got up to leave. Rocky was standing at the door, holding it open for me. “After you,” he said.

  “You don’t need to walk me out. I’m fine,” I said defiantly. He made it abundantly clear this morning that there would be no repeat of Saturday, so he could back off and drop the gentleman act.

  He ignored me and followed me out anyway. I reminded him, “You weren’t here yesterday to walk me out and yet somehow I lived.”

  “Sergio walked you out in my absence, which I instructed him to do.”

  “How do you know? You weren’t even here!” I griped.

  “He lets me know what happens when I’m gone. He also brought me your note and insisted on standing over my shoulder while I read it. Your repeated attempts to bust my balls give him endless amusement for some reason,” he admitted.

  This is torture. How can he go from rejecting me this morning to smiling and being nice now? Enough is enough. A horrible thought came into my head and I voiced it without thinking.

  “I don’t understand why you’re keeping up the chivalrous walk-me-to-my-car routine. Are you just being nice to me right now because you want me to stay working here and you know your ‘there will be no repeat of Saturday’ comment pissed me off?”

  The smile on Rocky’s face was instantly replaced with a look of pure outrage. “My God, Violet, are you fucking kidding me? You’ve been working here for a fucking week. My business ran FINE without you for two and a half years. I would not EVER lower myself to that level of kissing anyone’s ass. If you really believe any of my actions were meant as a trick to keep you working here, then don’t bother coming back!” He stormed off while I stood there and wondered what the hell had just happened.

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  Rocky stormed in and slammed the door with such force that Sergio came running.

  “Violet will NOT be coming back,” Rocky declared.

  “What the hell did you do now?” Sergio demanded. “Can you two go one day without ripping each other’s throats out? Did you see the worksheet she did for this year? She does good work. Get her back.”

  “Absolutely NOT. For some reason she got pissed this morning because I insisted that nothing more would happen between us. She thinks that anytime I was ever nice to her it was only me kissing her ass to keep her working here. I told her if that’s what she believed then she shouldn’t bother coming back. I don’t kiss anyone’s ass EVER.”

  Sergio rolled his eyes as far back into his head as they would go. “What the fuck do you think that means? She likes you, stupid ass. She doesn’t understand why you freaked out Saturday and backed off and she got mad when you told her that was the end of it. She clearly doesn’t want it to end. She must not understand why you tell her that nothing will happen and then walk her out to her car like you’re her knight in shining armor. You’re fucking with her head whether you realize it or not. Shit or get off the pot, man. Make up your mind.”

  “Fine. I won’t walk her out to her car anymore. I’m done. I’ll just pretend she doesn’t exist. It doesn’t matter anyway. She won’t be back.”

  “Really? Are you sure about that? I have another crisp one hundred dollar bill that says she WILL be back,” Sergio taunted.

  “You’re on,” Rocky agreed. “Get ready to lose this time.”

  Wednesday Evening, Week Two

  This was starting to become a nightly case of déjà vu: not wanting to go to work out of a sense of pride, yet going in anyway just to see what would happen. I must have analyzed Rocky’s freak out from every single angle possible. There was only one conclusion. He must not have been faking the nice act because he looked super pissed when I accused him of doing just that. He’s a lot of things, but I don’t think a liar is one of them. So here I was again. I got stuck working late at my real job and barely had time to microwave some leftover chicken before heading out the door. I didn’t get to change clothes, which is the reason my outfit consisted of an ankle length flowing black skirt with white flowers and a black short sleeve V neck shirt. Summer weather hadn’t quite left yet and I was taking every advantage of wearing skirts and sandals while I still could. No more stalling. I might as well go in to work to see what tonight had to offer.

  Sergio and Rocky were both sitting behind the front desk paging through my paperwork. They looked up when I walked in and Sergio warmly greeted me, “Hello, Violet. Thank you very much.”

  “For what?” I had no clue what he was referring to.

  “For getting me another Benjamin Franklin,” he said as he held his hand out to Rocky. Rocky took out a bill from his wallet and slapped it into Sergio’s hand.

  “What was the bet this time?” I asked out of curiousity.

  Ro
cky replied, “You showed up to work. Again.”

  Duh. I didn’t get fired, did I? Before I had a chance to comment, someone barged in the front door and nearly knocked me over. It was Dmitry from the welding shop. Had I never gone to his place to pick up the tractor part that day, I never would have taken my detour that started this whole mess.

  “Guys, I got my new toy! Let’s go play!” Dmitry exclaimed, beaming like a kid on Christmas morning. He was wearing camouflage pants and a black tank top. Of course he was built like everyone else around here: muscles on top of muscles.

  Vasily walked in behind him and confirmed, “The car is packed. We’re locked and loaded and ready to rock and roll!” What the hell were they talking about?

  Dmitry noticed me staring at him and said, “You must be Violet. I saw you when you were at my shop, but we were never officially introduced. I’ve heard a lot about you.” Ooh, I’m famous. I stuck out my hand and we shook.

  “It’s nice to meet you too. What have you heard about me?”

  “Sergio tells me all the stories of how thoroughly you torment Rocky. Keep up the good work.” I felt my face turn beet red. I had to change the subject before my embarrassment became even more apparent.

  “Dmitry, what toy were you talking about?” That seemed like a logical question to ask.

  Vasily answered for him. “He finally got his AK-47 today and he’s dying to take it out and shoot some targets.” Wait, what? AK-47? As in the gun?

  “Are you kidding me?” I gasped. “You’re going to go shoot an AK-47? Can I come with? Please? This is an opportunity too good to pass up. I’ll be really careful and just take one turn. Can I come? I promise I won’t get in the way!” I had a thing for guns. They were cool. When was I ever going to get another chance to shoot an AK-47? Um, never!

  “No chance in hell,” Rocky was the first person to answer.

  “Why not? I have a .22 caliber handgun at home, I’ve shot a pump action rifle, AND my mom’s boyfriend’s M14. Those all pale in comparison to the AK-47.” I’m not a total rookie.

  “Let me try and wrap my head around this,” Rocky asked as the lone voice of sanity. “You’re afraid of uncooked meat, but you can shoot an assault rifle?”

  “I’m an enigma, ok?” I pretty much defied logic on all counts. It’s what made me unique.

  Sergio and Dmitry exchanged glances. “I can see what you mean, Sergio. These two are quite entertaining. I’m jealous you get a front row seat to this on a daily basis.”

  Sergio knowingly nodded his head. “That’s what I told you! Grab some popcorn and enjoy the show.” This was all fine and dandy, but we were wasting time and I wanted to shoot the gun.

  “Look,” I bargained, “It’s going to be dark in about an hour and we don’t have time to discuss this all night. Sergio, I’ll make you TWO homemade cheesecakes if you let me come with. Rocky, I’ll work for free the whole rest of the week with no defense lesson required. Vasily and Dmitry...I don’t know what you want, but name your price as long as it doesn’t involve lap dances or anything gross like that.” I figured I better be specific on what exactly was and wasn’t covered under the “name your price” offer.

  Dmitry answered without hesitation, “Consider your debt to me already paid. I saw the Rocky dance video and laughed so uncontrollably that I might have peed a little. You can come with to shoot, if only to torment Rocky.” Oh, so that’s why I was famous. My video.

  Sergio agreed, “Yeah, I like cheesecake and anyone who aggravates Rocky. You have my vote.”

  Vasily nodded his head and said, “I don’t care, it doesn’t bother me one way or another.”

  Three down and one to go! I was going to win this. I turned to the last man with a pleading look on my face. “Rocky?”

  Rocky did not look like a happy camper one little bit. I think a vein on his neck even started to bulge. It was hard to say exactly what his issue was. It could have been his friends all ganging up on him or the fact that I invited myself along. I didn’t want to be the cause of his unhappiness. “Rocky, could I please have a word with you in private for just a second?” I boldly requested.

  He nodded and we walked about ten feet away from the group. I’m sure they could still hear us, but it was all I had to work with.

  I looked into his eyes and honestly explained, “I know you work a lot and you don’t get to do fun stuff with your friends and I know this is a guy thing and I’m totally intruding by inviting myself along. I have no ulterior motive for wanting to go. I like guns and I’ll never get a chance like this again. Please let me come. I promise I’ll be respectful and not get in your way. If you say no, then I’ll understand and I won’t have a fit.” I wanted to make sure that he understood this wasn’t some lame attempt to spend time with him like I was a desperate loser.

  Rocky threw up his hands and relented. “No one is getting a fucking thing done tonight anyway. Might as well send all the employees home and close the whole damn operation. But I’m warning all of you RIGHT NOW,” he pointed to me and the three musketeers behind me, “If she shoots herself or one of you, I am NOT to be held responsible!” YAY, that meant I could go!

  “Thank you! I’ll totally behave myself!” I shouted way too loudly.

  Rocky muttered, “I highly doubt that,” as he went to tell the employees to pack it up and take a night off.

  Dmitry pointed to my outfit and said, “Violet, you don’t happen to have a change of clothes in your car, do you? I ask because we can’t have you traipsing through the field dressed like that.” What fields were we traipsing through? I don’t think the cops appreciate a group of massive dudes and a crazy girl marching along with an AK-47. That might attract some unwanted attention.

  “Where exactly are we going and what are we shooting?” Maybe I should have asked that before I invited myself along. “If any LIVING thing is being shot, then I’m totally out.”

  Rocky returned in time to hear that and laughed, “No, you don’t shoot rabbits with an AK-47. But if it gets you out of tagging along, then yes, we’re shooting furry little forest creatures.” Not funny!

  Dmitry explained, “Local gun clubs won’t let you shoot assault rifles in their basement ranges. I own a plot of land on the other side of town. That’s where we go to practice shoot. We only shoot at homemade targets. Nothing living. Don’t worry.”

  Sergio told Rocky we had to go to my house for a change of clothes. He rolled his eyes, made a face as if to say, “Told you she shouldn’t come,” and then we were on our way. Just me, four tough dudes, and an AK-47. Lock and load, motherfuckers!

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  We all piled into Dmitry’s black SUV and headed toward my house. Vasily was in the passenger seat and I was in the backseat between Rocky and Sergio. This was the best road trip EVER.

  “Are you sure you want them all to know where you live, Ms. Paranoid?” Rocky asked me loudly enough for everyone to hear.

  He had no idea how badly I wanted to try out this gun. “I don’t care if they all come in and jerk off on my couch. I want to shoot an AK-47.” My reply was met with a chorus of laughter.

  “Damn Sergio, you weren’t exaggerating. She’s exactly like you described,” Dmitry chuckled. “Violet, tell me one thing though. Why are you so excited to shoot this gun?”

  “Do you want the real answer or should I try and come up with something that sounds semi-normal?” I was hoping he wouldn’t want the real answer because it was not sane.

  “Intriguing. Give me both answers,” Dmitry requested. Rocky shook his head and said, “Get ready, I can guarantee this will be interesting.”

  I took a deep breath and proceeded. “Well, probably a normal answer would be to say that I’m a gun collector and would like exposure to all different kinds of weapons. The honest answer would be that I’m obsessed with all things Zombie related. I’d like to know how to shoot an AK-47 so I’m prepared when the zombie apocalypse arrives and the shit hits the fan. Once
I break into an armory, I need to know how to load and safely shoot a wide variety of any weapons I might find.” I closed my eyes and waited for the inevitable howls of laughter to begin. They didn’t. They were stunned speechless. A full minute must have passed before anyone made a comment.

  Of course it was Rocky who had to be the voice of sanity. “Are you going to find an AK-47 on every street corner during your apocalypse?”

  “No, I’ll go to Dmitry’s house and get his. Duh.” The conversation took a surprising turn as the guys all discussed their apocalypse survival plans. I guess I wasn’t the only crazy prepper in the car. The remainder of the ride to my house was filled with end-of-the-world scenarios and how each would be handled. I was in my glory. Who would have thought I‘d have anything in common with these guys? Awesome!