Mark Henry_Amanda Feral 01
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88 Every now and then—and I’ve never done it—a bunch of zombies heads down to the welfare office and picks up some deadbeats for a feast. They set them loose in a fenced-off field and have at it. Hilarity ensues.
89 With a capital “M”.
90 Mistakes are not discerning eaters. Like how hillbillies eat possum.
91 There. I said it. Sweetbreads. As it turns out, they are not so bad. Saying BRAINS would just be tacky.
92 The files strapped to a rolling cart, a striped suit and crème colored blouse, the look of angry frustration. What’s your best guess? Mine was attorney.
93 The oh-so-dreamy Officer Scotty. The hotness.
94 See how I skew?
95 You know I tend to lead with my nose. Nasal, but not in a Fran Drescher way. Let’s get that straightened out right now.
* Don’t Expect Another
96 Is that a ’60s doo-wop song?
97 I know it’s an inanimate object!
98 It’s never inappropriate to reference bad Canadian horror movies, or their remakes, as it turns out.
99 “It’s not just soft,” the model said. “It’s devilish! New Beelzebub Shampoo, with Satan proteins.” I can see it now, simply evilicious.
100 Surprise. Surprise.
101 Don’t worry. I used the air quotes.
102 Marginal Guilt: From where you’re sitting—the soft cushion of disinterest—look out across the border. You should just be able to see guilt crossing the river on a makeshift tire raft, three deep.
103 Interpreted: Rochelle was a crazy stalker girl.
104 No, I’m not.
105 Werewolf, it’s what’s for dinner—the other, other white meat.
106 T.L.D.: Traditional lesbian ’do.
107 When I say things that are ridiculously obvious, please, just ignore it. It’s a pathetic attempt at humor, really. It should come naturally, like it usually does.
108 Crittery: Coined phrase number 27.
109 Damn all this intrigue!
110 Please join me in a moment of silence.
111 It’s a living.
112 So it’s perfect for those late night cravings.
113 In this new world, sinister was the new soothing.
114 Unatrailaphobia: the fear of a single-wide.
115 At least two.
116 Now, before you get all high and mighty, thinkin’ that this is no way for someone in jeopardy to act toward their captors, remember, this one’s already dead.
117 That’s a lie. It smelled like soap. I was just bitter and looking for derogatory comments.
118 Little. Different. Deadly. New Maximum Strength Zombil. It’s not just a sleeping pill. This one’ll just kill ya.
119 Public displays of affection, while romantic to those involved, are, in fact, disturbing and icky. Leaving the witnesses as violated as molested children. Offenders: please make a note of it, and correct your behavior.
120 Not missionary, something more exotic.
121 It never ceases to amaze me. What can’t Judith Lieber do with crystals and a hot glue gun?
122 Bitch! That’s coined, right there. Postmortem Elegance.
123 Shut up. Bulimia is making a comeback. I’m a trendsetter, remember?
124 And by mature, I do mean geriatric, yes, to answer your question.
125 But totally desirable. It would look hot on the dance floor, absolutely.
126 Which are not fashionable, no matter what they tell you.
127 God, I hate Grillz.
128 It’s a spice and a weapon.
129 Or was it My Pretty Pony?
130 I don’t really need to say “geek” here, do I?
131 No pun intended.
132 He was soooo accommodating.
1 It’s like he had a time machine and a white trash childhood.
2 Celebrity blood donation is quite lucrative. You’d be surprised who’s giving it up for the vamps.
3 I’m a total shoe slut. Jimmy Choo, Manolo Blahnik, Christian Louboutin: this is an open invitation. Feel free to run a train on me. The cost? Stilettos, duh.
4 The folks at Sanrio are really kicking their adult line up a notch.
5 Something about the lack of blood flow.
6 Without all the nasty additives you find in city meat.
7 I don’t have to tell you, this kind of treatment would not be considered luxury service, by any means.
1 No. No paparazzi, either. Yeah. I was glad about that.
2 Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about. That piss is rank. Good for getting rid of some quick water weight, though. Just a tip.
3 The authorities, that is; nothing disrupts business like a vice raid.
* for instructional purposes only!
4 I didn’t want to even think what these girls would use that for.
5 It’s a curse that my sense of smell is so acute. A curse!
6 Hey. I’ve always kept mine neat and trim. Don’t go making assumptions.