“How? When?” She repositions the barstool. “Okay, start again. But don’t lead with that. Tell me what happened.”
“It started in Vegas. The night he kissed me.”
“In the bar?”
“Yes.”
“But I thought y’all worked past that. At the club everything seemed fine.” She smiles. “Then again, I was drunk.”
“It was fine. At least I thought it was. Then I went and screwed it all up by sleeping with him.” I lock my eyes with hers and hurry to add, “And that was my fault. I seduced him.”
“Yeah? It took a lot of work to talk Chase into sleeping with you, huh?”
I roll my eyes.
“So, it was a one-and-done type thing?”
I shake my head.
“Didn’t think so.” She drinks more wine. “So, what’s the problem?”
I grimace. “Like I said, I went and fell in love with him.”
“And he doesn’t reciprocate?”
Natalie looks doubtful, so I lay it out there. “This is Chase we’re talking about. He’s not interested in love.”
“Oh,” Natalie nods as though that makes sense. “So you’ve had this conversation with him?”
“No, I haven’t.” I know what she’s getting at.
“Then that means you’re assuming, which ultimately makes an ass out of—”
“I get it,” I interrupt. “But I can’t have this conversation with him. It will ruin our friendship.”
Probably not more than it already has though.
Natalie straightens, then shifts her wineglass to the side. “So, let’s rehash the events.” Her smile is all teeth. “You invite Chase to Vegas, he agrees to go. Then y’all go out, get drunk, then get married…”
I roll my eyes again. I keep forgetting that part, mostly because I simply can’t remember most of that night.
Natalie proceeds to tick these off on her fingers. “And then, the next night, Chase kisses you. And let me tell you, sister, I was there. I saw the way he kissed you. There was absolutely nothing friendly about that kiss.”
“It was Vegas,” I counter. “People do dumb things in Vegas.”
Natalie glares at me. It’s clear she doesn’t agree.
“And then,” she continues, “you sleep together in Vegas.” Her eyebrows lift. “I assume that has been the case since you’ve been home.”
I nod.
“So, what happened today? I tried all day to get in touch with you, but you didn’t answer my calls. I texted Chase and he said you were a no-show for dinner. Was that you hiding out because you’re scared?”
This is where it gets tricky. “No. I had an interview this afternoon.”
“Oh.” Her expression turns hopeful. “How’d that go?”
“Good. At least I think it did.”
“Who was it with?”
“The Texas Tornadoes Foundation.”
“Oh, right. Mark told me about the position. He said you’d be a shoe-in.”
I don’t know about that, but I decide to continue with the point. “Anyway. After the interview, I called Jonathan.” I stare at her, waiting for her to connect the dots. “You know, the headhunter you told me about?”
“Oh, right.” She smiles.
“I asked him to meet for coffee so we could talk about a few things, but he said he didn’t have time. He was heading out of town, but he offered to stop by for a few minutes. Chase showed up in the middle of our discussion and—”
Natalie looks horrified. “And you didn’t tell him that Jonathan was a headhunter and Chase assumed the worst, then proceeded to go absolutely ballistic.”
I frown. “How’d you know?”
“Because Chase is jealous.”
“What? No. He’s not jealous.”
“He is.”
“Is not.”
She narrows her eyes and nods her head.
“Natalie, that’s not how it is. Chase and I are—”
“No longer just friends,” she states, watching me closely. “He’s as in love with you as you are with him and now two of the smartest people I know are acting totally dumb.”
Well.
It’s clear Natalie expects a rebuttal, but I honestly don’t have one. I take a sip of wine, trying to put my thoughts together.
“You need to talk to him, Cass. I’ve never understood why the two of you have put so much effort into not making something more of your friendship, because it’s obvious how you both feel about each other.”
I shake my head. “No. We’ve always been friends. That’s all I’ve wanted because I care too much about him to screw it up with a relationship.”
Natalie frowns. “Screw it up? Why do you think it would screw it up?”
“Have you met my mother?” It’s rhetorical because no, Natalie has never met my mother.
“What does she have to do with this?”
“I’ve told you about her.”
“Yes. And from what you’ve told me, she’s got…Ah.”
“Ah, what? What does that mean?” I set my wineglass on the island.
“You think because your mother can’t manage to have a healthy relationship, you can’t either.”
“It’s not far-fetched,” I reply, although as I say it out loud, it does sound a little irrational.
Natalie crosses one leg over the other and picks up her wineglass. “Well, gee. For a woman with such a high IQ, you sure can be dumb sometimes.”
“What? Dumb? How am I being dumb?”
“Oh, come on. So your mom’s been married a few times. So she can’t seem to find what she’s looking for.” She releases an exasperated sigh. “It’s not like it’s hereditary. If parental relationships were passed down through the gene pool, then Chase wouldn’t be interested in you.”
“He’s not from a dysfunctional family,” I argue.
“No, he’s not.” She tilts her head to the side and gives me a look that says my IQ couldn’t possibly be as high as it is. “It would mean he’d be gay and he’d have no interest in you that way. Think about it. It’s not that hard.”
Frowning, I turn away from Natalie. “You missed your calling,” I mumble. “You should’ve been a lawyer.”
For the record, I hate when she’s right.
Chapter 30
Chase
After leaving Cassie’s, I drove around for half an hour, then ended up coming home. Now, as I sit on my couch, drinking a beer, I feel numb. Unfortunately, it has nothing to do with the alcohol since I haven’t finished a third of the damn thing.
I wish I knew of a way to undo this mess, to get things back to the way they were before Cassie and I tempted fate and ended up getting married and then sleeping together in Vegas.
Hell, I wish I could turn back time to when she invited me to Vegas. I would gladly decline in order to right all the wrongs that have been done.
I’m assuming this is what regret feels like. It’s not something I’m prone to feeling. As a rule, I don’t do things I’m going to be sorry for later. It’s not in my nature.
Leaning my head back, I stare up at the ceiling, allowing my mind to wander back to Vegas, back to that first night I made love to Cassie. The woman has absolutely no fucking idea how much I wanted her that night. With every touch, I felt as though I were going to spontaneously combust simply from trying to get enough of her. It didn’t happen. I still want her. I fucking ache for her.
And now it’s over.
I will never have Cassie Desrosiers again. In fact, I’m not even sure we’ll still be friends after all is said and done.
“Way to fuck it all up, Barrett,” I mumble, allowing my eyes to close.
I’m too fucking tired to think right now.
I startle awake, not sure what the noise was that roused me, nor do I have a clue how long I was asleep. It takes a second for things to click into place.
I’m in my living room.
On my couch.
And my whole fucking day went to shit whe
n…
“Chase?”
Turning my head to the side, then glancing behind me, I see Cassie walking closer, approaching the back of my sofa with caution. Am I dreaming?
“I didn’t mean to wake you.”
Apparently I’m awake. That or dreaming of being awake.
Shit. I don’t know.
I continue watching her, not sure what to say. I’m still trying to determine if she’s real or simply a figment of my exhausted imagination.
When her hand slowly strokes the top of my head, I realize I’m not dreaming. And if I am, then I hope like hell I never wake up.
Closing my eyes again, I try to battle back all the emotions that are building inside me once more. The same ones I managed to ignore for whatever time I was asleep.
Her hand strokes down the side of my face and I lean into her touch. Goddamn. This woman fucking owns me. With one simple touch, I seem to forget everything that got me in this position in the first place.
“Chase, I’m sorry,” Cassie whispers. “I’m so damn sorry.”
Reaching for her hand, I clasp it in mine, then lead her around so she’s standing in front of me and not behind the sofa. Sitting up, I wrap my arms around her waist and hug her, resting my face against her stomach. Her fingers weave into my hair, gently, lovingly.
My emotions feel like marbles in a washing machine during the spin cycle. Speeding out of control with absolutely no consistency, no direction. I don’t know what to think, what to say, or even what I want.
No, that’s not true.
I know what I want.
I want Cassie.
I want her with everything that I am.
And not merely her body either.
I want every piece of her. To have and to hold and to love for the rest of my damn life.
I’m not sure I could settle for anything less.
Opening my eyes, I pull back and look up at her. Her fingers trail down my face, her hands stopping to cup my head. I can see she’s been crying. Her eyes are glassy, as though she’s going to start up again any second now.
Neither of us says a word, yet there are a million things being said between us right now. I can practically feel what she’s feeling.
Finally, I’m the one who breaks the silence. I need to tell her how I feel. “It’s not just sex for me, Cass. It never could’ve been.”
She tilts her head slightly, her eyes locked with mine.
Taking a deep breath, I decide to lay it all on the line.
“I don’t want to lose you, Cassie.”
A tear falls down her cheek and I reach up to wipe it away.
“I never should’ve let things go that far. I thought I’d be able to hold myself back, to keep from wanting more than you were willing to give me.”
“You married me,” she says, her voice soft. “You were supposed to back out.”
I nod, glancing away. “I still don’t remember everything about that night, but I remember the feeling. It was real for me, Cass. More real than it ever should have been. I guess I got carried away, maybe. I don’t know.”
“I think I did, too.”
My eyes dart back to her face, my heart slamming against my ribs.
Is she saying what I think she’s saying?
“I remember that night.” She smiles and it’s so beautiful, hell, I’m nearly in tears.
Cassie
“Not all of it,” I say, unable to stop the smile. “But I do remember a lot of it.”
It’s funny how stress works.
And yes, I think it was stress that caused me to block out that night. After all, I did marry my best friend. The man who means more to me than anyone else in my life.
Everything that’s happened since Vegas hasn’t helped either. My emotional turmoil left my brain lacking the necessary tools to unearth the memories. It wasn’t until I pulled into Chase’s driveway that more of that night came back to me. In fact, I sat out there for a solid fifteen minutes, trying to catch my breath as I relived it over again.
And that’s when I realized I was doing the right thing.
Natalie was right, even if her delivery left a lot to be desired. I’ve been acting dumb all this time. I’ve been using foolish excuses as to why I can’t have Chase when in reality, I didn’t think he’d want me enough. I didn’t want to be another notch in his bedpost, so I used my mother’s failed marriages as my excuse, keeping just enough distance between us that I felt safe.
Staring down at Chase, I slide my thumb over his bottom lip, then urge him back. Straddling his thighs, I continue to look into his eyes. The most beautiful man on the face of the planet is right here. The man I love, the man I’ve always loved.
He’s not talking, but that’s because it’s my turn. Or I think it is. It should be.
Sliding my fingers through his hair and following the action with my eyes, I whisper, “I love you. I’ve loved you since college.” I meet his eyes again. “I just didn’t realize how much, or in what capacity. I’ve been an idiot all this time. I could never imagine my life without you in it and if I had to settle for being your best friend, I was good with that. So, that’s what I did. I convinced myself that you would be there forever if I didn’t fall in love with you.” I smile. “I did though. Fall in love. I’m not even sure when, but it happened.”
He isn’t moving. I’m not even sure if he’s breathing.
I know I am because my heart is beating a million miles a minute and I feel as though I just ran a marathon. Through quicksand.
“That doesn’t mean we have to make it more than that. I came over here tonight knowing that I owed you an apology. I’ve made this incredibly difficult because I didn’t know how to handle it.”
Chase cups my face, his palm warm against my skin. There are tears streaming down my face, but I can’t stop them. Everything I didn’t realize I’ve been holding back has come forward, ready to be unleashed. Regardless of where this leaves us, I have to tell Chase how I feel.
“The man at my house,” I say, noticing the way Chase’s eyes go cold. “He’s a headhunter. A guy Natalie introduced me to.”
Chase looks away and I curl my finger under his chin and force him to look at me.
“I should’ve told you that when you showed up, but I was scared, Chase.”
His eyes search my face.
“I was scared about the feelings I have for you. I wasn’t supposed to want more. It was a promise I made to both of us.”
“A headhunter?”
I nod. “He’s helping me with the Texas Tornadoes Foundation position. And if that doesn’t pan out, he’s going to help me find something else.”
“You love me.”
I grin because Chase sounds bewildered, as though that can’t possibly be true. Plus, he’s jumping all over the place.
“I love you,” I say.
When he palms my head with both hands, I’m startled suddenly, but I hold his gaze.
“I love you, too, Cassie.”
More tears break free and a sob escapes, but it quickly dissolves when Chase kisses me, pulling me close, his arms banding around me. I kiss him back. Every emotion I’ve ever felt seems to be rioting inside me and I let it all free, wrapping my arms around him and holding him tight. I never want to let him go.
The kiss doesn’t progress into anything more than a very heated and emotional make-out session, and I’m okay with that. As much as I want Chase to make love to me, I need to let this all sink in.
“Have you had dinner?” Chase asks, pulling away and looking up at me.
I shake my head, then wipe the tears from my face. “Not unless wine counts.”
Chase smirks. “It doesn’t count.”
“It’s late,” I tell him. “I didn’t come over here so you could feed me.”
“What time is it?”
“Eleven thirty.”
“Perfect time for pancakes.”
“You’re making me pancakes?” Yes, this excites me. I love pancakes. Almos
t as much as I love Chase.
“I can,” he says, his eyes lighting up with what looks a lot like relief. “But you’ll have to get off me first.” He shakes his head. “Wow. I can’t believe I said that.”
His arms band around me tighter, which doesn’t allow me to move away. It makes me laugh, so I tuck my face into Chase’s neck and soak in more of him. While I’m there, I whisper, “I love you,” against his skin.
“Say it one more time, Cassie, and I’m going to strip you naked and bury myself inside you. I won’t be able to help myself.”
Giggling, I pull back. The look on his face says he’s not kidding and my body instantly catches fire.
I lock my gaze with his and give it to him straight. “I love you, Chase Barrett. With all that I am.”
Chapter 31
Concluding the interview with Chase, I had one final question for him. It was a big one, or at least I thought it was. Chase’s cool, collected answer showed me otherwise.
“You said you have no regrets. So, understanding that, is there something in your life you would change if you could go back and do it all over again?”
“No.”
“There’s not anything you might do for someone, or even say to them that might change things?”
He considered this for a moment. “Actually, yes. There is. However, I’d only do it if it would change things for the better. Otherwise, risking what I already have is simply too great.”
“So you have someone specific in mind?”
“I do.”
“Care to share who it is?”
“No.”
And that, my friends, is exactly how I thought it would be. Chase Barrett, the Bad Boy of Hockey, is as simple and as complicated as that.
—Excerpt from Sports Unlimited’s Bad Boys of Sports edition
Chase
Part of me thinks I should carry Cassie to the bedroom and make love to her on my bed.
The other part of me—the part that is clearly in control—decides that my sofa is the best place for us to be. For one, I need to be inside her.
Right.
Fucking.
Now.
With hardly any finesse whatsoever, I flip Cassie onto her back, then move over her. She giggles and I pull back, staring down at her. I can’t help but smile. The woman slays me. I love every single thing about her, from her laugh to her smile, even her obsessive need to organize when she’s traveling.
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