Clarity 2

by Lost, Loretta

  “Oh, Helen,” Carmen says in disappointment. “You forgot your shoes in my bedroom. I’ve been looking for you. I can’t believe you’re walking around barefoot when all the guests are here. Stop being ridiculous.”

  I feel a pair of high-heeled shoes thrust against my chest, and I lift my arms to grasp them. The sharp heels poking into my skin do not bother me nearly as much as the cold metal cylinder just did.

  “They’re such lovely shoes,” Sabrina says with a sigh. “Most women make their bridesmaids look hideous, but Carmen really picked out exquisite clothes for us. It’s too bad you can’t see the shoes, Helen.”

  I can hardly be bothered to care, but I try to force myself to go through the motions. Skimming my fingers over the satiny shoes, I feel some kind of jeweled embellishment on the front. They have a peep toe and a small kitten heel. I don’t know why I bothered to examine the shoes, because I can’t even try to make my face seem interested.

  “Put them on!” Carmen urges. “Today, you are merely one of my decorations. You have to dress up exactly as the bride wishes, and I am not doing a barefoot-on-the-beach style wedding.”

  The excitement in her voice makes me feel ill. All I can think about is the sensation of the gun nozzle pressed against my chest. If you don’t keep your mouth shut, I’ll kill Carmen. How can she be so happy, when just a few minutes before, her fiancé threatened to kill her? She is so innocent—and there is nothing I can do to inform her. My trump card failed. I have no other ideas. Unless I can think of something really ingenious, it looks like Grayson is going to get his way.

  “Put on the shoes, Helen,” Carmen commands in an annoyed voice.

  “Fine,” I say miserably. I allow both of the shoes to clatter from my arms to the ground. I then use my toe to poke around, searching for the entrance to the footwear. As I do this, I try to maintain my balance on one foot, but I’m sure I look wobbly and pathetic—which is precisely the way I feel. When I finally discover a shoe and try to insert my foot, of course, it happens to be the wrong shoe. I utter a very unladylike curse.

  “Allow me to help you with that,” says a deep male voice. I am not sure who it is, but I am comforted by the fact that it is not Grayson. At this moment, any other man is a potential ally. I can feel that he has crouched down before me, for he gently takes my wrist and positions it on his shoulder so that I have some support. I don’t even have the energy to protest, for I feel that I might actually fall over without his assistance. I am so discombobulated. His hand carefully encircles my foot and guides it into the correct high-heeled shoe. I am expecting him to immediately release me and disappear, but he holds my foot there for a moment, until I feel steady again. After a second, he picks up the other shoe and helps me place my second foot into the encasement.

  “Thank you,” I whisper, pleasantly surprised by the tenderness of his touch.

  “Not a problem,” he says kindly.

  His voice is somehow calming to me. There are dozens of voices all around me in the crowded foyer, but his is soft and serene. When he speaks, I feel like I’ve discovered the solitary safe place in the middle of a raging storm. There is shelter and protection in his quiet strength.

  “Helen? What’s wrong?” he asks me with concern. He reaches up to clasp my hand as it rests on his shoulder. “You’re so pale—like you’ve seen a ghost.”

  I am suddenly even more confused. First of all, I am stricken by the fact that I am supposed to know this man. Is he one of our family members? Another distant cousin? I search my memory for his voice, but I am drawing a blank. Second of all, how does he know me so well? How can he see that I am pale and shaken, while my own sister is oblivious to this?

  “Whoa,” Carmen says with a strange tone in her voice. “Who’s Prince Charming over here with the glass slippers?”

  The man on the ground laughs lightly. He removes my hand from his shoulder as he rises to his feet. “That’s right. We haven’t been introduced. Helen, will you do the honors?”

  I am worried that my face betrays how clueless I am. Luckily, I am saved by my father’s booming voice.

  “Ladies! How are we all doing over here?” my father asks happily. “I think it was a splendid idea to serve cocktails to the guests before the wedding, Carmen. Everyone is in such good spirits—pardon the pun!”

  “Oh, Dad,” Carmen says with a giggle. “How much have you had to drink?”

  “Just enough, darling. Just enough.”

  There is a twinkle in his tone, as though he might be winking at my sister. His voice makes me feel much better, too. I wish I could take him aside and tell him what I know, but I can no longer try to save the day with the grave threat looming over my head.

  “Oh, there you are, my good fellow!” my father says, and his voice is directed at the person standing next to me—the man who helped with my shoes. “I just ran into this fine gentleman a few minutes ago. Imagine my surprise when he introduced himself as my daughter’s boyfriend!”

  For a moment, I am bewildered. Carmen has a boyfriend? In addition to Grayson? Does Grayson know about this? I immediately start to hope that there’s a chance for the wedding to be halted by other complications. My mind runs away with me, and I imagine a brave prince coming to the rescue and beating the shit out of Grayson.

  “Oh my god,” Carmen says in astonishment. “This is Liam? This is Helen’s boyfriend?”

  I am stunned by this information and deeply embarrassed that I forgot the voice of my supposed suitor. I am shocked that he is here at all, considering I told him not to come.

  “That’s right,” Liam says, placing a hand affectionately on my back. “We’ve only been dating for a year, but it’s been the best year of my life. Helen is an incredible woman.”

  The palm of his hand is warm against my spine, and I can feel my cheeks growing red. This is so absurd and embarrassing. I can’t remember why I decided to do this. Now, after all that’s happened, it feels so pointless and bizarre that I ever asked Liam to be my fake date to this wedding. How stupid was that? Why did I even care about such trivial bullshit? My sister’s life is on the line, and I feel like a fool. I can’t believe I thought it would be fun. Still... I can’t help but be glad that Liam is here. His presence is somehow reassuring.

  “Holy shit!” Carmen exclaims in amazement. “Helen, you didn’t tell me that he’s gorgeous!”

  “Yeah,” Sabrina adds solemnly. “Wow.”

  I shrug to hide my mortification and annoyance. “How could I have told you that? I have no idea what he looks like.”

  “Well, you could have told me more about what he feels like,” Carmen says with an audacious giggle.

  “Oh my god,” I mutter softly, turning to Liam. “I’m so sorry about this.”

  “It’s quite alright,” he says with amusement.

  Sabrina clucks her tongue in disapproval. “Helen, didn’t you know you that you’re not supposed to bring a man to the wedding who’s more handsome than the groom? It’s bad etiquette!”

  “Uhh.” I don’t know how to respond to their flattery, and my cheeks flush even darker. I’m not sure whether I’m more embarrassed at being the center of attention, at the fact that dating Liam is a lie, or at the fact that it is now confirmed that he’s incredibly attractive, which makes me feel a little uneasy. If I was going to create a convincing lie, I probably should have chosen someone plain and forgettable, who was a little more in my league.

  “Alright, children. That’s enough of teasing poor Helen,” my father says with a laugh. “She’s red as a beet! Don’t we have a wedding to get started? It’s about ten minutes to show time! Grayson’s standing over there and looking very impatient.”

  “Oh, let him wait,” Carmen says flippantly. “He’s been pressuring me to marry him for years. I’m sure he can handle another ten minutes of waiting.”

  “That’s your fiancé?” Liam asks. “He seems a bit... angry.”

  “No, no,” my father answers. “I’m sure it’s just the wedd
ing-day pressure getting to him. It’s a lot of stress. I can assure you that Grayson is the nicest guy in the world.”

  I can’t keep a small grunt of derision from leaving my throat. It goes undetected by everyone around me, except for Liam. His hand on my back moves up and down in a soothing manner. I am surprised at how attentive and intuitive he is.

  “Well, I suppose we might as well start getting ready,” Carmen grumbles. “Let’s usher everyone to their seats.”

  A moment later, Carmen, Sabrina, and my father are gone. The wedding is about to begin, and it will proceed as planned. I have failed in trying to stop it. Unless...

  “Hey. What’s wrong?” Liam asks me again. “Come on, Helen. Talk to me. There’s this look on your face, like you just stepped on a landmine.”

  “I did,” I say softly. Then I turn to him with a frown. “What are you doing here anyway? I told you not to come.”

  “You sounded distraught,” he tells me. “I don’t know—I was worried. What’s the matter? Something is bothering you; I can see that. When I walked in, you were as white as death.”

  “Liam,” I say quietly, moving close to him. My eyebrows knit together in consternation. “Thank you for coming. I just...”

  A passionate female voice interrupts me. “Hellie! Can I speak to you in private for a moment?”

  “Carm?” I say in surprise. “Uh, sure.”

  “I hope you don’t mind if I steal her, Liam.” Carmen says this as she slips her hand on my arm, already prepared to drag me away. I am a bit disappointed at the interruption, but I appreciate one final chance to talk to my sister.

  “Not a problem,” Liam says. “I think I see someone I know—Dr. Leslie Howard. I’ll go chat with her in the meantime.”

  “Great!” Carmen chimes in as she leads me back into the privacy of the library.

  I am nervous that Grayson might be suspicious of me speaking to Carmen alone—if he can see us. And I’m sure he’s keeping an eye on me. Nonetheless, I can’t waste this opportunity to tell her. Should I tell her? Is it worth the risk? I am startled out of my thoughts when Carmen pulls me into a hug.

  “I just wanted to congratulate you, Helen. I know we were joking around about Liam’s hotness a few minutes ago, but I wanted to be serious for a sec. He seems so sweet and loving. The way he helped you with your shoes! What a gentleman. You two seem perfect for each other, and I’m so happy for you. I think this is the first time I’ve ever seen you with a guy—the first time you ever brought someone home. Gosh... he’s your first real boyfriend!”

  I flinch at her words. He’s certainly my first fake boyfriend.

  “My little sister’s growing up,” Carmen says affectionately. “Sorry. I’m just so emotional today. This is so special.”

  “Yeah,” I mutter in frustration. “So special.”

  “Honestly, I’m jealous,” Carmen whispers. “Grayson is pretty cute, but Liam is a stud. Gosh. Aren’t you glad you wore the thong?”

  “No. Not really.”

  “Why can’t you be a little excited with me, Helen? Seriously. I’m just trying to enjoy the moment and bask in our happiness.” She moves over to the library doors to peer out at the crowd with a sigh. “I mean, if only you could see this adorable man who’s all yours...”

  “There has to be more to a man than his appearance,” I tell her briskly. “I really don’t care what he looks like.”

  “But doesn’t it help to know that... oh. Hey, Helen?” Carmen pauses and hesitates. “How well does your boyfriend know Dr. Howard? They seem pretty close.”

  “Liam and Leslie?” I ask in surprise. I immediately frown at how nice their names sound together. “Well... they’re colleagues.”

  “They seem like a little more than just colleagues to me,” Carmen observes.

  “What do you mean?” I ask, without really wanting to. It’s none of my concern.

  “Well, he just hugged her and she kissed him on the cheek. They seem really affectionate.”

  “Oh,” I say in disappointment. “I thought she was close to Mom’s age?”

  “Yes,” Carmen responds slowly, “but she’s very well put-together. I’m almost positive she’s had some work done. She might be a bit of a... cougar.”

  I make a face. This upsets me. Why does it upset me? Liam isn’t actually my boyfriend, and I don’t actually care if he has something going on with an older woman. How do I even have the ability to care about anything other than the situation with Grayson? I am shocked at my endless capacity to be even more hurt and upset that I was a few minutes before.

  “Maybe I’m wrong,” Carmen says. “I shouldn’t judge things so easily. You know how I always jump to conclusions and make the wrong assump...”

  “Grayson is a rapist.”

  My sister abruptly stops her prattling. There is a silence in the library. I did not mean to say this, but I was unable to keep it inside any longer. I immediately regret having spoken, and wished I had delivered the information in a different way. I just didn’t have any time to think. It needed to be done now. Finally, when Carmen speaks, her voice is a tiny whisper.

  “I know.”

  “What?” I say in horror. “You know? You know?”

  “Yes. Helen...”

  “Then why the hell are you marrying him?”

  “It’s not what you think.” She takes several deep breaths and pulls me further into the shadows of the library. “He—he has a problem. I’ve done some research... psychological research. I think it’s like a mental illness. Or just part of who he is. Either way, I accept this about him.”

  “Carmen, are you insane?” I struggle to keep my voice down because I’m moments away from screaming at her or grabbing and shaking her. “Has he ever hurt you?”

  “Well, he’s aggressive sometimes. He’s never hit me, but sometimes...”

  “Sometimes what?” I demand.

  She hesitates. “If I’m sleeping, or if I’m not feeling well. Like, if I’m on my period, and I have cramps... he will force himself on me.” She gulps loudly. “Look, it’s only been a few times, and he’s always really apologetic afterward. We’ve gone to counseling. I swear, it’s just this one thing—he’s a great guy in every other way.”

  I feel so sick at hearing this. “You can’t marry him.”

  “I have to. I love him. Please... please respect my decision, Helen. I know it seems messed up—but even though he hurts me, I know he doesn’t really mean to hurt me. I’ve talked to him about it. I don’t know what it is, but he has some kind of issue. He can’t control himself sometimes.”

  “There are no excuses. If you marry him, it will only get worse.”

  “It’s just sex, Helen! He’s been nothing but supportive and openhearted in other ways. In every other way.”

  “Carmen, I can’t believe what you’re saying. You can’t do this.” I am losing my temper and trying to be calm, but I find myself grabbing her shoulders. “Did you know that in a lot of countries, it’s legal to rape your wife? Even here, it’s only been taken seriously in recent history. Traditionally, wives are supposed to be submissive to their husband, and that attitude is still a huge part of our culture. You can’t agree to a life with someone who doesn’t respect you.”

  “He respects me,” Carmen insists. Her body trembles under my hands as though she is silently crying. “I swear to you, Helen. He respects me.”

  “Are you insane?” I shake my head in disbelief. “You’re throwing away your freedom and the sanctity of your body. You’re subjugating yourself to abuse! And you’re defending him?”

  “Yes, I’m defending him!” Carmen says sharply. “Believe it or not, I’ve had worse boyfriends. I’ve dated guys who tried to interfere with my school or my career. I dated guys that were jerks to Dad. I dated guys who were emotionally abusive and got drunk on an almost nightly basis, and said the cruelest things to me. I dated guys who drove recklessly and got into several accidents with me in the vehicle. I dated guys with drug problems w
ho tried to get me addicted and waste our days away being high. Yes, I’m sad and pathetic. But Grayson is the best guy I’ve ever met. He’s the best guy I’ve ever been with, even with his flaws. And I’m marrying him!”

  “Are you fucking kidding me right now?” I ask her in shock. “He just threatened to kill you if I told you what I know about him.”

  “He doesn’t mean it,” Carmen says tearfully. “Trust me, he’s just using scare tactics—he really doesn’t mean it, and he would never hurt me.”

  “You just told me he raped you.”

  “Yes, but... it’s not complete rape. I want to have sex with him most of the time. Look, it’s just a super small issue, Hellie. It’s my fault too. If I had just been in the mood...”

  “Oh my god,” I say in disbelief and horror. “Who are you? What the fuck are you even saying right now? I thought my big sister was strong and brave. I thought she didn’t take crap from anyone.”

  “I’ve changed since we lost Mom,” Carmen tells me. “Now... I’d rather take a little crap from people than be completely alone forever.”

  “I won’t let you,” I tell her firmly. “You won’t be alone, but you can’t marry him. He’s an animal. You deserve better!”

  Carmen sighs. “I’m too tired, Helen. I’m too old to meet someone new and get to know him all over again. I’ve been with Grayson for a long time, and we are good together. I don’t want to start all over again with someone else who could be even worse once I discover who he really is—it takes years to really figure a person out.”

  “You haven’t even figured Grayson out!” I accuse her. “You don’t even know how foul he is. Let me tell you what he did. Maybe if you know that you’re not the only one he’s hurt, you’ll understand and take action.”

  “Helen,” she says brokenly. “Don’t.”

  “Do you remember when I came home with all those bruises? When I said I was mugged?”

  “No!” Carmen almost shouts at me. Her words are laced with small, heart-wrenching sobs. “Please. Stop. I can’t know this. Don’t say another word. I’m fucked, Helen. I’m so fucked.”