Clarity 2

by Lost, Loretta

  Sometimes my father tried to coax me out to join the family for dinner, but I tried to decline as politely as possible, making excuses about how I needed privacy for my writing. In the middle of the night, I was able to scavenge for a large case of bottled water, in addition to a six-pack of soda. I also secured a few jars of peanut butter, some raisins, bags of chips, and cheese. These items are my only sustenance, and they must last until Grayson leaves the house again, and I can finally get more food. I locked the bedroom door and used several pieces of furniture to barricade myself inside. Pushing the dresser was difficult, but once I temporarily removed the drawers, it became easier.

  Now, I have no idea what day it is. Possibly Tuesday or Wednesday. I am also unsure whether it is night or day. Liam has called me a few times to make small talk, but he has been busy at work and hasn’t had much time to spare. For the most part, I have been trying to sleep to pass the time. (It also requires the least expenditure of energy and helps my food last longer since I don’t need to consume quite as much.) I have been rolling around in bed for hours, trying to think of my story and imagine the scenes I intend to write later on, so there is at least some meager attempt at working. Mostly, I just let my mind run away with me and dream, and do as it wishes to do. This could be therapeutic in clearing the blockage in my brain and allowing my imagination to flow freely again.

  I am focused on the bright colors and stories of my dreamscape when a knock sounds on the door. I try to coax myself into being awake as I pull myself off the bed.

  “Dad?” I ask in confusion. “I can’t come out to eat today. Not until I finish this book.”

  “It’s not your father,” Grayson responds.

  In an instant, I am extremely awake. My hands tightly grip and twist bunches of the comforter.

  “Your dad told me to bring some of your favorite cupcakes for you,” Grayson says gently. “Why don’t you come downstairs and spend some time with us? We can catch up.”

  I can’t believe his gall in acting like nothing is wrong. In acting like we could be a happy family and eat cupcakes together. “No, thank you,” I say through the door. “I’m not hungry.” My stomach immediately growls at this lie.

  “You don’t have to come downstairs if you don’t feel like it,” Grayson tells me. He pauses. “I could just hand you the cupcakes and leave.”

  “No, thank you,” I say again. My mind begins to race, and I begin to grow worried. “Where is my sister?” I demand.

  “She went out to a doctor’s appointment for the pregnancy,” Grayson tells me. “She’s fine—it’s just a routine checkup.”

  “Why didn’t you go with her?” I ask him.

  “I told her I had some things to take care of here.”

  My eyebrows furrow deeply. “Then go take care of them,” I tell him.

  “I am,” he says.

  I sit up straighter in alarm when the doorknob starts rattling as he tries to gain entry to my room. Swinging my legs out of bed, I walk over to the dresser that blocks my door from opening, and I abruptly sit down with my back against the furniture. I figure that even if he is able to somehow unlock my door, maybe I can use my body to push against the dresser and keep it from opening.

  “Come on. Let me in, Helen,” he demands. “I just want to talk.”

  “Go away,” I tell him.

  “Really, your dad’s getting worried about you. I think it would ease his mind if you came out of your room and ate a few of these cupcakes.”

  It occurs to me that my dad probably took Carmen to her doctor’s appointment. That means I’m alone in the house with Grayson. My cell phone is over on my night table, but I decide to bluff anyway.

  “If you don’t get the hell away from my door and stop bothering me right now, I will call the cops,” I tell him quietly.

  “Don’t be like that,” Grayson tells me. He sighs, and I hear him put his back to the door and slide to sit down just outside the bedroom. “I just want to talk about what happened between us. I mean, don’t you wants answers? Aren’t you curious?”

  “No.”

  “I’m your brother-in-law now, Helen. You should be nicer to me. We should be friends.”

  “Fuck you,” I hiss. Anger and fear are bubbling up inside me like a storm. I don’t think I can take living in this house anymore. Not even for Liam—not even for the prospect of getting my vision back. This is not living. I have no freedom and I am completely unable to work. Liam said that staying was the stronger thing to do, but I don’t feel like I can keep fighting against my fear on a daily basis. It wins. Each and every time, it wins.

  “I know what I did to you was wrong,” he says, “but I just couldn’t help myself. That day, when you were sitting and crying on the stairs in the engineering department, it wasn’t the first time I had ever seen you.”

  I sink my teeth into my bottom lip to try to keep from responding and betraying how upsetting this is.

  “I’d been watching you for weeks,” Grayson admits softly. “I thought you were really cute, and I wanted to ask you out... but I didn’t know how to do that. I used to be really shy when it came to women. So, I followed you. I memorized your schedule, and I would watch you enter your classes, and wait until they were over, and watch you head back to your dorm.”

  I was being stalked. The realization that I had no idea that this was happening hits me like a ton of bricks. All this time, I thought it was just a random attack. If I could see—if I had been able to see, I might have noticed that I was being followed. I press the palms of my hands into my eyes, hating my body for being so flawed. I inwardly curse my disability.

  “There was just something special about you, Helen. There always was. I watched you moving through the crowds of people with this serene look on your face. You just seemed like someone holy to me. Someone greater than everyone else. I spent weeks following you, and studying you from afar, and trying to gather the courage to talk to you.”

  I take a shuddering breath. Listening to this story is filling me with horror. I don’t want to hear his perspective. I don’t want to revisit this event. I just want it to be finished and over.

  “Your hair was the color of mahogany, but when you stepped into the sunlight, it burst into flames like the strands were made of copper. I couldn’t stop staring at your tawny locks, and the way they curled around your perfect face. I was just so drawn to you, Helen. I’ve never felt that way about anyone. It was like you were calling out to me. Like touching you was part of my destiny.”

  “Please stop,” I say in a hoarse voice. “Please stop talking about this. Please go away.”

  “Then a day came when something changed. I could see the change in your face. Your eyes, they used to shine like burnished amber. But on this day, they were just dead. They were empty, like sand or rust. You didn’t go to class. You wandered aimlessly until you just collapsed and crumbled into tears. You were sad. I’ve never seen you so sad, Helen.”

  I can’t listen to this. His retelling makes everything fresh. I can feel the way I felt that day, even before he made my day worse. I shake my head, unable to believe that this is happening to me.

  “That was the first day I could find the courage to talk to you,” Grayson said. “I had to say something. I had to try to lift you up and be your hero.”

  I swallow a bit of saliva that has been gathering in my throat. “When I first heard you speak,” I manage to croak out, “I thought you were nice. You could have asked me out. I would have probably agreed.”

  “I wanted to,” he admits. “More than anything, I wanted to. I just... I don’t know what was wrong with me.”

  This is so painful. He sounds like a wounded little boy. I don’t know how it’s possible, but I’m beginning to feel a pang of sympathy for him. His voice still sounds as kind as it did the first time I heard it—the first time it deceived me. I press my face into my hands, hating myself for pitying him.

  Grayson sits silently outside my door for a few minutes before spea
king again. “I couldn’t control myself,” Grayson says softly. “You were just so beautiful, sitting there on the stairs like a broken angel. I needed to touch you to see that you were real. And once I started touching you, I couldn’t seem to stop. I felt like you might disappear right before my eyes. I needed to have you, while you were still here on this earth, in human form. I couldn’t waste a second not being inside you. I needed to drown in your beauty; I needed to feel you around me. I needed to feel every inch of you, whether you would have me or not.” His voice has been growing quieter until it is a barely audible whisper. He pauses to take a deep, mournful breath.

  “I felt like I could fuck you into being real. I felt like I could fuck you into being mine.”

  I am so horrified that I do not know how to respond. I wrap my arms around myself and double over, trying to push his voice out of my mind.

  “You were an angel,” Grayson says again. “I was guiding you through the halls, and staring at you. And I just started getting more and more... excited. I thought that if I could just have you once, just one taste—that it would somehow be everything I ever needed.”

  I am struggling to breathe. I am struggling to think. My lips are parted in shock and disbelief. “I was never an angel,” I say dumbly, because it is the only thing I can manage to say. “I was just a girl.”

  “You were so much more than a girl,” Grayson says with complete certainty. “Maybe you didn’t even know, but I could see it. And I just couldn’t wait. I couldn’t stand the thought of you rejecting me. I don’t know what came over me, but even your hand on my arm... I couldn’t bear it. I needed you. Right then and there. I needed to have you. You understand, don’t you? I needed you, Helen. I needed you.”

  I find myself breathing very rapidly, as though I have just finished running a small marathon. I lift my fingers to plug my ears to drown out the sound. This can’t be real. This can’t be happening. His voice is so soft that my fingers actually do manage to muffle him completely, but once I am unable to hear anything, I begin to panic. I am already so oblivious to my surroundings. He could use a ladder to climb in the window, and I wouldn’t even hear it. He could have found a secret entrance to my room and be standing in front of me right now, and I wouldn’t even know. I rip my fingers out of my ears to keep from sending myself into a panic. Of course, he is still talking.

  “... went to counseling with her. Your sister thinks there’s something wrong with me. Sex addiction, or something of the sort. But I think she’s wrong, Helen. It’s just you. It’s just the thought of you that makes me feel this way. Don’t get me wrong, I grew to love Carmen over the years. But I only started seeing her because I saw a tiny bit of your spark in her.” He sighs. “Don’t you understand? Fucking her was the closest I could get to having you again.”

  “Oh my god,” I moan in horror. “Please stop. Stop. Stop.”

  “You need to hear this,” Grayson insists. “I was so disappointed when you stopped going to school. You even left your dorm. You headed back here, to your home. And I followed you. I watched you, and I was waiting for an opportunity to see you again. To touch you again. To taste you again. But somehow, you escaped me. You disappeared, and I needed to find you. That’s why I first spoke to Carmen. To find out where you were. She had no idea, and I was heartbroken. But Carmen wasn’t like you. She was friendly, flirtatious, and she expressed interest in me. At first, I was too upset over losing you to consider dating her, but as time went on, and my wounds healed... Carmen became my consolation prize.”

  “I wish I didn’t have to hear any of this,” I say miserably. “I need to go back in time and un-hear everything I just heard.”

  “I’m glad you’re home, Helen,” Grayson says quietly. “I do love your sister, but I was thinking that we could work out an arrangement of sorts. I want to see you sometimes. When Carmen is away from home, or busy at work—I want to be with you. I need this. We’re family now, so you’ll help me out, right? I want to see you on the side. I want you to be my mistress.”

  I finally snap. I finally start laughing hysterically. My laughter sounds zany and bizarre. I allow my body to fall to the side until I am lying on the ground and clutching my stomach and laughing. I have completely cracked. I am laughing so hard that I almost don’t notice my phone ringing.

  “Is that your boyfriend, Helen?” Grayson asks angrily. “That fucking jerk who was here at the wedding? Don’t answer it. Forget about him. I’ll fucking kill him.”

  I slam my fist into the dresser which is blocking my door. This time I am filled with aggression and fury. “Maybe I’ll kill you instead,” I tell Grayson in a cheerful voice. “You’ve driven me insane. Doesn’t that make me the dangerous one?” I am just talking out of my ass, but it feels good to turn the threatening around on him. I am sick of being the victim.

  Placing my palm on the ground, I push myself off the ground and move across the room to answer my phone. “Hello?” I say in an upbeat tone.

  “Winter?” Liam says. “Hey! So I had some questions I wanted to ask about our date tomorrow...”

  I suddenly frown. “One sec.” Holding the phone against my ear, I move over to my closet and open the doors. I move inside and shut the doors, and position my body between rows of hanging dresses to conceal my voice. “What’s up?”

  “Well, I have some really awesome ideas of things we could do after the appointment. Owen’s been helping me with something he calls ‘The Ultimate List of Best First Dates.’ I know, that sounds ridiculous, but I was actually surprised to see that he had some really great ideas! They’re not all even based on porn. I tried to incorporate them with my own, and...”

  The frown on my face has been growing deeper and deeper the entire time that Liam has been speaking. “Look,” I tell him in a snappish tone. “I’m going to have to cancel.”

  “What? Why?”

  “Because Grayson is harassing me, and I can’t deal with this,” I say angrily. “Liam, I’m sorry. I can’t stay here another day. I want to go home. I’m going to pack my suitcase and wait until he goes to sleep, and get the hell out of here. I need to leave. ASAP.”

  “Don’t.” Liam says the word softly, and then he sighs. “Okay. Just give me an hour. I’ll come and rescue you from your tower, and the fearsome ogre. We’ll do our date today instead of tomorrow. I have a strategy. I’m sure I can make you feel better. What do you say?”

  “No,” I say firmly. “I don’t want to leave my room. Not unless it’s to leave for good.”

  “Just trust me, Winter. You said you’d trust me,” Liam says forcefully. “Please.”

  “You can’t come here,” I say with concern. “He said he’d kill you. He has a gun, remember?”

  “I’m not afraid of a coward like Grayson,” Liam says urgently. “Come on. I am sure that if you go on this date with me, you’ll feel better about everything. It will change your life. I promise. Please give me a chance?”

  “And if it doesn’t change my life,” I tell him softly. “You’ll take me home to New Hampshire?”

  “It’s a deal,” he agrees. “Put on a sports bra and some comfortable clothes. As though we were going on a jog.”

  “A sports bra?” I say in surprise.

  “Just trust me,” he repeats solemnly. “No asking questions—just do as I say.”

  “Fine,” I say grumpily, hanging up the phone. Even as intelligent as Liam is, I highly doubt that he can magically change my life with a single date and a sports bra. Still, some part of me really wants him to, and dearly hopes he can.

  Getting out of the house was a great idea. I am sitting in the passenger seat of Liam’s car, and it is a lot nicer than Owen’s old vehicle. The seats are ultra-cushiony, and the leathery smell is soothing. The car drives a lot smoother too, and I feel fewer of the bumps and potholes on the road. It is very relaxing.

  The best part is that Grayson isn’t in the car. And with each passing mile, he is farther and farther away. I do feel free and liberated�
��like a princess rescued from an ogre. Even if Liam’s planned date fails to change my life, I still appreciate that he forced me to get out of the house. I feel like myself again.

  “We’re almost there,” Liam tells me. “Now you might think this is weird at first, but just trust me and go with it.”

  “Should I be worried?” I ask him with a quizzical smile.

  “Nope. You should be delirious with excitement.”

  I snort at this. “You sure are confident.”

  “No one is ever disappointed with my surprises,” Liam assures me.

  “Maybe I’ll be the first,” I say, making a face. “I barely know you! This could be awful. You could be taking me to... a hypnotist. You could be trying to change my life by erasing all my bad memories. And when hypnotizing me fails, you could give me a lobotomy or something. What if you’re actually a crazy mad-scientist type of doctor?”

  Liam laughs as he parks the car. “With an imagination like that, I can see why you write such excellent books. Don’t worry, I’m not going to erase your memory. Wait there for a sec.” He turns off the engine of the car, and exits the vehicle.

  A moment later, I hear the sound of him opening my car door. I smile at this, and unbuckle my seatbelt before stepping out. “Where are we?” I ask, trying to identify our location through listening to the street sounds.

  “No asking questions,” he says in a teasing voice. “It might ruin the surprise. Do you want to take my elbow?”

  “Sure,” I say cautiously, reaching out to circle my hand around his upper arm. He guides me slowly and carefully toward a building, and opens a door. Once we step through it, he places my hand on a railing.

  “There’s a narrow staircase here,” he tells me, as he begins to climb the flight of stairs.

  I climb behind him until we reach a landing. Once we are there, I feel that the material on the ground has changed. It’s rubbery.

  “Take off your shoes,” Liam tells me, “and hand me your jacket.”

  Smiling to mask my confusion, I comply with his commands. I can hear him removing his shoes as well. He gives me his elbow again, and guides me through another set of doors. I am surprised to feel that the ground has grown quite soft beneath my feet, which are now only clad in a pair of socks. I am even more surprised when I feel Liam stopping and bowing deeply.