The Non-Silence of the Lamb

by Luke Brown

  “Hello! I’m home.”

  “Hey, Steddy! How was work today?” Essie always met Stedman at the door with a warm hug and a long, welcoming kiss. She wore a sexy midriff T-shirt that showed off her flat teenage belly. To complement her barely-there shirt, she sported sexy, tight-fitting, blue-and-white French-cut underwear. She gave Stedman a welcome fit for a king, and he loved every minute of it.

  “Work was okay. There’s nothing special to talk about. It was just another hard day working for the money.”

  “Did you get any tips today?”

  “Yes, but not much.”

  “Okay, honey. Just sit in the chair. I’ll get your shoes off for you.”

  “Thank you, Essie, my dear. I thought about you all day long. I couldn’t wait to get home to see you. I missed you so much.”

  “I have a surprise for you, Steddy.” Essie stooped down to untie his shoes.

  “I can see my surprise staring right at me.”

  “No, not that! I have a bigger surprise for you.”

  “What could be bigger or better than that sexy camel toe that you have barely hiding from me? I’ve been thinking about you all day at work. Essie, do you know you rock my world?”

  “Come with me.” Essie rose and put Stedman’s shoes away in the corner. She then took his hand and led him to the dining area. “Surprise!”

  “Wow! You did all that for me? Essie, you are so romantic. I really love it.” Stedman admired the large bouquet of flowers on the dining table and the bottle of wine sitting in the ice bucket. The table was attractively decorated with burning candles and red and white rose petals all around the edge. “But what’s the occasion?”

  “We’re celebrating our love today. That’s all.”

  “So why aren’t you dressed up?”

  “I’m okay; you’re overdressed for the occasion.”

  “This is an informal dinner celebration? It’s a first for me, but I like it.”

  “This is my style, my way of celebrating our love. Have a seat, and I’ll fetch the food from the kitchen. I’ve already prepared it.”

  Essie dashed to the kitchen for the food, while Stedman took a seat. She always made him feel like a king, having learned very early that a happy home makes a happy life. She could not control what went on at work, but she could make Stedman’s home life a pleasant one.

  Essie rushed back to the table with his hot plate of food. “I prepared your favorite—oxtail with rice and peas.” The familiar sweet-smelling aroma stimulated his nostrils and his appetite as it filled the air. Stedman was in heaven. He had his favorite meal and his beautiful girlfriend at a special romantic occasion at home. What more could a man ask for in life?

  The night only got better after dinner and a series of deep passionate French kisses. Essie led Stedman to their bedroom. The bed was also decorated with red and white rose petals. “Here, Steddy honey. This is your dessert.” Essie threw foreplay out the door and stepped out of her underwear, climbed into bed, knelt down on her knees and laid her head flat on the soft surface of the bed. Stedman was instantly erected. Island-style romance for sure. Essie knew it pleases Stedman that way. He eagerly dropped his pants to the floor and approached her. His whole body was full with warm, tingling satisfaction as he wasted no time plunging his huge manhood deep into her glorious soul. Essie was filled with immense satisfaction. They made island-style love that day and she made him a happy man.

  They were truly in love, and it showed. Essie gave all her love and affection to Stedman, and he gave her no less in return. She felt truly loved and secure with him.

  Stedman had a lovely, comfortable two-bedroom apartment in the upscale downtown area of Baldwin Heights, and Essie was delighted to share his home and his life. He was a proficient, skillfully trained waiter in a large, popular hotel called Half Moon Resort. His pay wasn’t great, but he sometimes made quite a bundle in tips. Therefore, he could easily afford a decent lifestyle for them. This also meant he was willing and able to take care of her and a child or two if they came along.

  Indeed, Stedman confessed to Essie that he would love to have two or three kids before he turned twenty-five. His dad had always told him that was the best time to have one’s children, and that was the main reason why he started working at seventeen. Starting so young and working so hard ensured that he could comfortably afford a good home and have decent savings in the bank to start an early family.

  He loved kids, and he wished to have some of his own, especially now that he had a beautiful woman in his life. He wasted no time trying to get Essie pregnant again.

  Essie got pregnant within nine months of moving in with Stedman, and this time she knew it, having educated herself on all the signs to look for. Essie did everything right to the best of her knowledge. She ate properly and got plenty of bed rest. She even visited her doctor twice to make sure everything was good with the baby. That was more often than the average expectant mother saw a doctor in that era.

  It was a terrible surprise, therefore, when she had a miscarriage in her fifth month while taking a bath at home. Essie was shocked and couldn’t understand how a miscarriage could happen unprovoked. She thought everything negative a woman could think. She started blaming herself, thinking that she was not made to bear children. She feared it was not God’s plan for her. At only nineteen, she knew her age wasn’t the problem. There were so many girls who were much younger than her having children with no problem.

  Stedman came home from work that day to find her in tears. Heartbroken, she told him the miserable news. By now, Essie knew how badly Stedman wanted her to have his child, and she felt very sorry for him.

  Stedman calmed and comforted her, saying he would always be there for her, with or without children. It didn’t really matter to him. It was her love that mattered most.

  However, a year later when Essie got pregnant for the third time, but was unable to bring her pregnancy to term, Stedman reneged on his promise. He told her that although he loved her dearly, she would have to leave. He had a new girlfriend who was pregnant with his child.

  Essie was devastated, but she knew there was no way she could repair their relationship without bearing him children. When he said someone else out there was already pregnant by him, she gave up, although she didn’t believe that part of his story. She thought it was a convenient excuse to get her to leave—and soon. In the end, it didn’t matter. He wanted her out of his life, and that was a fact. He wanted kids, and she could not bear them. It was as simple as that.

  Essie understood Stedman’s point of view. Wretched and heartbroken, she wasn’t angry with him—not until she discovered that his story was true, indeed. “Steddy, how you could say you love me and yet be out there cheating your ass off?” She was furious.

  “I do. Well, I did.” Stedman searched for the right answer as he tried to explain himself.

  “You’re no freakin’ good, mon, ya know dat?” Essie shouted. “You’re a fraud an’ a no-good, low-down liar. I wish ya’d burn in hell.”

  “Essie, I didn’t intend for us to end up this way, but you gave me no choice.”

  “What? I gave you no choice?” Essie’s eyes blazed red as fire, and her heart pounded with rage.

  “You knew kids were important to me, and you deceived me. You knew you couldn’t have children, but you didn’t tell me anything was wrong with you. Your uterus is, well, condemned. There, I said it. It needed to be said. At first I thought it was my fault, but after three times with the same result, I had to see if I had anything to do with you losing my babies. That’s why I took Cherry up on her offer. I just wanted to know that I can have healthy kids just like everyone else.” Stedman remained calm as he explained his viewpoint to Essie.

  “Cherry? Oh my God! No! My friend Cherry! I cannot believe my ears.” Essie was stunned. Cherry and Stedman were having a baby? The anger within her would not be healed in a lifetime. She was beyond angry now. She staggered out the door, ran around to the back of their apartm
ent building, and started to sob.

  Essie became depressed knowing her best friend and her lover had betrayed her in such a despicable way. It was the worst feeling in the world. It was bad enough to lose the first love of her life, but she knew she’d get over him. There were many more fish in the sea, and she was a very good catch. However, it was different losing her best friend at the same time and in the way that she had lost her. Who could she go to now? To whom would she turn for help and comfort?

  One of the first things Essie had learned was not to trust anyone. Then she had met Cherry, and things had changed. She’d met a real and true friend; at least, that was what she had thought.

  Still heartsick and sorely tried, Essie decided that she needed to find a suitable career. She pleaded with Stedman to give her some time to find a job. She remembered a magnificent cake that she’d skillfully baked for a party at Dr. Ferguson’s home. How excited everyone was about that cake! Maybe she could work as a chef at a good hotel.

  She searched all over Montego Bay for a job in the culinary arena, and eventually, with the help of Stedman’s connections, landed her first chef job at Round Hill Hotel. With the money earned during her first pay period, she put money down on a one-bedroom apartment located close by the hotel.

  Essie turned her disappointments and hurt emotions into working passion. It was as if she put her pain and sorrow into her position as a chef, and she did very well. Her manager liked her skill and enthusiasm. Essie had always known that she would be a very good chef. She loved to cook, and it showed in her excitement about a good, tasty meal.

  If a meal wasn’t good, she was the first to let it be known. She just couldn’t hold back her personal opinion about the taste of certain foods. She viewed a dish as a symphony. Each part of it needed to come together at the precise time and complement the other parts. Cooking was like a piece of music where each instrument, like each ingredient, added its own beautiful sound. She believed that anyone could prepare an edible meal using good ingredients, yet only a top chef could take the very same ordinary ingredients and produce an unforgettable gourmet meal.

  Essie cared about the quality of the outcome and refused to accept ordinary results. She believed in the basics and learning the details because she believed the details resulted in the perfectly cooked roast or pitch-perfect sauces. She put great thought into each plate of food she prepared.

  Everyone who knew Essie knew she was obsessed with food. People trusted her because she had a unique and discerning personal taste. When a meal was good, she would openly remark about it, praising the chef or whoever provided it. She became excited at times and would go on about how good a meal tasted. It surprised no one when she turned out to be a popular, noteworthy chef in a large hotel.

  Although enthralled by the culinary fine arts, Essie had never gone to school to study cooking. Her ability was a purely natural skill. In addition to her innate culinary instincts, Essie furthered her education about food by teaching herself through various cookbooks from the library. She loved to try a brand new recipe and would spread the book open in the kitchen and start making the new dish, line for line, while she hummed a song or lullaby to herself. She would add a little ingredient into the pot or oven, and then rush back to the book to see what was next. She enjoyed every minute of cooking.

  When she was in the kitchen, she was more entertaining than the popular TV chef Emeril Lagasse, but without the “Bam!” and the juggling knives. For Essie, being a chef was more fun than it was work. She was promoted to head chef early on at Round Hill Hotel. Essie had discovered her hidden talent, and she began to let it shine.

  She had few regrets about her turbulent breakup with Stedman. As a matter of fact, she was grateful for the day when she was forced to go out and seek a job, because it had helped her find her real God-given talent in life.

  Chapter 9

  Essie was thrilled about her newfound culinary career, and discovering her natural calling felt like finding gold in a hidden treasure box. Yet every now and then, she had a sad spell. Sometimes she sat in the corner by herself, feeling sad about how life had started so unfairly for her. More than anything else, she had a strong and growing concern about her sterility problem. As a female, she felt cursed by God for not being able to have children. Worse than that, she felt that she would always be shunned by men for being sterile.

  It was at this point in her life that Essie developed the bad habit of smoking. It helped her to think more clearly during her sad mood swings, and it just felt right.

  One day, while on her daily errands, Essie decided to take a cigarette break, and finding a pleasant spot, sat on the wall and gazed out over the town. Deep in thought and reflecting on how her life was going, she was interrupted by a minister who walked up to her and introduced himself.

  “Hello, pretty young lady. My name is Reverend Paul Murray. What’s yours?”

  “Essie, sir,” she replied cordially, a bewildered look on her face.

  “You look a bit sad today.”

  “I’m okay, sir.”

  The reverend persisted. “Tell me, my child, what’s on your mind?”

  Essie took a good look at the well-mannered and rather handsome black middle-aged minister. “Are you the pastor at Holy Cross Church of God in Mount Salem?”

  “Yes, my dear child. Have you ever been to my church?”

  “Yes, sir. I attended your Easter ceremony last year.”

  “Really?”

  “I went with Nurse Ferguson and her family.”

  “Great. I’m very happy to hear you attended my church once before, but Miss Essie, it doesn’t have to be an Easter celebration for you to attend.”

  “I know, sir.”

  “I would like you to pay us a visit next Sunday if you can.”

  Essie thought for a long while, then responded with a request of her own. “Pastor, I have a question for you.”

  “What is it, my child?”

  “Why am I cursed by God?”

  “No! No! Never say that again. That is not true. You are a special child of God. If you were not special, He would not have sent me here to talk with you today.”

  “Well, if I’m so special, why can’t I have children?”

  The reverend closed his eyes and turned his face upward in a dramatic way as he whispered a quick prayer to God. “Do you believe in God, my child?”

  “Yes, sir,” she said without hesitation.

  “Well, let’s go somewhere and talk about this matter. Where do you live? Is it very close by here?”

  “Yes, sir.”

  The reverend stood up and turned to look around him, wanting to ensure their privacy. It was as if he were about to do or say the unforgivable. “The Lord is telling me right now that I should touch you so you can be healed.”

  Those words sounded good to Essie’s ears, and she nodded several times. “I live not very far from here,” she said, relief and joy on her face. “Let me take you home.” Essie led the way to her house.

  They held hands and prayed briefly. After the short prayer session, Reverend Murray turned to her. “Essie, my child, do you believe in God?”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “Essie, my child, do you believe in miracles?”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “Then my child, take off those worldly condemned clothes you’re wearing and let me heal you through the grace of God.”

  Essie was shocked to hear those words from the good minister, but at this point she had nothing to lose. So she obeyed him and undressed except for her panties and brassiere.

  “All of it, my dear child, all of it. Take off all your sinful, forsaken clothes,” he said, shouting in a strong, demanding tone.

  “Okay, Reverend.” Essie reluctantly complied.

  “Essie, you are like a pretty, unspoiled flower that was planted by the rough terrain or by the wayside. Do you believe in God?” he asked again.

  This time she did not respond.

  “Essie, my child,
do you believe in miracles?”

  This time Essie started to laugh. Ripples of mirth burst from her throat, a kind of laughter that was unique to Essie: strong, loud, and seemingly endless. “Pastor, get on with your business. Let’s just get it over with.”

  “Well then, kindly turn your back to me and bend over while I get myself ready, my child,” he said in a soft and provocative voice. As usual, he altered his tone of voice to match the action he needed.

  Essie did what the good minister said without question.

  “Oh Lord! Oh Lord! Thank you for choosing me today to do thy work. Praise be to God in the most high. Thank you, Lord. Thank you, Lord. Thank you, Lord.”

  Chapter 10

  A tyrant must put on the appearance of uncommon devotion to religion. Subjects are less apprehensive of illegal treatment from a ruler whom they consider God-fearing and pious. On the other hand, they do less easily move against him, believing that he has the gods on his side.

  Aristotle

  After Essie’s strange and eerie encounter with the Reverend Paul Murray, her faith in God became even more questionable than ever, and she was completely confused. She couldn’t understand what had happened to her and concluded it was just another bizarre occurrence in her life.

  However, when she missed her menstruation on the following month, Essie started believing again. As corny as it sounded, she believed it was a miracle of God, and this time, she would bring the pregnancy to term. She felt happy again, but hesitated to raise her hopes too high.

  Essie wanted to let Reverend Murray know the good news, but the only way she knew of getting in touch with him was to go to his church. So she decided to attend services on the following Sunday with the hope of speaking to him. She knew she’d have to be discreet. She shivered when she thought about how strange the situation was. She felt like a religious groupie chasing after a high-status celebrity.

  She went to church as planned, but the reverend wasn’t there. At the end of the service, one of the deacons informed her that Reverend Murray had just emigrated to Canada with his wife and kids. Essie never said why she wanted to speak with him. She just went home with the knowledge that she needed. She realized that Reverend Murray was leaving the island, so just before he left, he had to get his kicks or his game on with some easy, naive chick. He was just like all the other guys who would say or do anything to get under a female’s dress.