Illicit Desires (The Illicit Series Book 1)

by Rose B Mashal

  She'd hugged me that fucking wonderful hug in the bathroom the night I lost my virginity, and it was because she was jealous. And I wasn't blind, I saw the way her face changed every time I touched Emma in any way.

  Jealousy was doing things to her. I wanted to do something major to make her just snap the fuck out of it and stop with the fucking denial. But, no chance.

  I didn't know what I was bringing down on myself by that; she became more furious and hostile to me than ever. And the fucking white dress. Oh, fuck me!

  Was she using it as a punishment? If so, it fucking worked! I had jizzed my pants two times in a row like a fifteen-year-old while grinding into her hip.

  But, fuck it if it wasn't the best two nuts I'd ever busted in my whole fucking life. Worth the whole changing my clothes again and more. The shirt though made it back to my closet; it had touched her fucking beautiful tits, and no way in hell was I going to wash that off of it. The shirt would stay safe and unwashed in my closet forever … or maybe just until I replaced it with another.

  Her tits. Oh, sweet Jesus! They were what brought me to my knees in the beginning. How many times had I fantasized about them, how soft they would feel, how good they would taste?

  My imagination did them no justice … at all. I wasn't planning on giving her too much, just a little. I wanted to hear her beg. I wanted her to ask me for more, but I couldn't resist the argument of sucking her perfect pink nipples into my mouth. And a little more touching.

  "C'mon, sweetie, you're going to be late!" Mom's call to Lily brought me out of my thoughts.

  She’d gone back to her room to finish getting ready for school after she got her fucking permission to date. She really had no idea that it would never happen, ever.

  "I'm coming!" she called back.

  Well, most likely not, since I left you high and dry… Well, high and wet to be more specific. I huffed at the thought. I really didn't like the way I had left her; I wanted her to feel good, too. I wanted her to know that I could make her feel good.

  Yet, I knew she wouldn't get to that point easily and let me touch her willingly. Yes, I knew she wanted me deep inside her, or she wouldn't kiss me back and never tell me to stop when I touched her. But she still wanted to live in the, 'oh, it's his fault, he's making me do it without me saying I want it too, I have no hand in it'.

  I couldn't work with that. I needed her to confess to it. I needed her to tell me in a spoken word that she wanted more.

  And making her frustrated like that was the only way I knew how. I could only hope it worked.

  I got a text from Ian.

  —I'm at the Browns. ~I

  We had a habit which started almost three years ago: on the first day of high school, our group all rode in one car together. Ian was picking us up this time. It had been Sean for the last couple of years, but he wasn't here now, so Ian agreed to drive since he owned a Jeep which would fit the seven of us.

  I heard Lily coming down the stairs, and assumed that Ian had sent her a text, too. I looked up and saw her. She never failed to amaze me with how much more beautiful she could be in just a few minutes. She was still wearing that white demon of a dress, but there were white tights and a denim jacket as well. I felt like a douche for going all caveman on her like I had, thinking that she was going to go out wearing just that little dress only, leaving her legs, arms and cleavage bare for assholes to ogle and jerk off to.

  I huffed again as she passed me, completely ignoring me like I wasn't there. She started moving her hand through her hair – which she'd left swaying freely over her back and shoulders – in front of the mirror beside the front door.

  "Oh, sweetie. You look so beautiful!" Mom called from the kitchen.

  "Thanks, Mom." Lily smiled at her, blushing a little.

  —Just picked up Sandy. ~I

  I saw Lily put her cell phone away as I did the same. Ian was telling us to wait outside since Sandra's house was just three minutes away.

  "Ian is almost here, Mom. We're going," I called.

  "Okay, honey. Have a nice day at school. Say hi to the guys. I love you both!"

  "Love you too." We both murmured.

  As we waited outside, Lily was busy with her cell phone, texting God only knows who. "You look beautiful," I said to her, because hell, she did look more than beautiful.

  She looked up at me, then she smiled sweetly. It wasn't a real smile, it was a fake one, I could easily tell, then suddenly she did something I had never seen her do before. She flipped me off.

  My eyes almost bugged out of my skull. It wasn't like Lily at all to do such a thing, which meant only one thing: she was really mad at me.

  "C'mon, dick, we're gonna be late!" Elliot's voice brought me back to reality. I found myself standing alone and saw that Lily had already made it to the car. She hopped in the passenger seat, leaving me to sit in the seat behind her, as Sandra and Elliot were in the back seat.

  "Where is Julia?" I asked.

  "She took her car. She wouldn't come with us while Sean isn't here," Sandra replied. "Too emotional for her." I'd never get what went through women's heads. It wasn't like he'd fucking died or some shit.

  I nodded.

  "Go get your princess!" Ian sang like the girl he was a few minutes later.

  I hopped out of the car when it stopped in front of Emma's house. She was just coming out the front door as we arrived, and smiled brightly when she saw me. I knew I should kiss her, but I was still tasting Lily on my fucking lips, and I didn't want to give up that taste just yet. So I just kissed her on the cheek, completely ignoring the pout she showed me.

  "What?" Lily's voice welcomed me as I got back in the car. She was talking to Ian, and I could hear the smile in her voice.

  He smiled back. "Nothing!" I frowned, unsure what was going on.

  "Are you gonna move the fuck already or are we gonna stay here all day?" I growled at Ian.

  "Easy, dude!"

  "Fucker!"

  Emma was talking about something, but I wasn't really paying attention. My focus was with the asshole who kept giving my sister side glances every now and then.

  "ADRIAN!" Emma yelled, startling me.

  "What?" I yelled back.

  "Have you even heard what I was saying?"

  "What?" I asked again, sounding like an idiot.

  "I asked what you think of my new outfit!"

  "Uh, sorry, honey, I was thinking about something," I apologized. She huffed and looked out the window. I felt like shit. "You look stunning!" I leaned in and kissed her on the cheek. She offered me a small smile, but didn't say anything else, making me feel worse.

  "Seriously, what is it?" Lily asked Ian again, bringing my attention back to her.

  "It's just … you look—"

  Say the word 'hot' and you'll spend the rest of the day picking up your fucking teeth off of your precious car's floor, dickhead!

  "… uh … nice."

  "Oh," Lily blushed. "Thanks, Ian. You don't look so bad yourself." She smiled.

  "Ow!" Ian winced when I slapped the back of his head. "What the hell, Adrian?"

  "Watch the road, asshole!"

  "Douche!"

  When we finally made it to school, we actually had to yell at Elliot and Sandra to bring them back to reality; they'd been in "sucking faces land" since … forever.

  "Lily!" Julia, who was still in the parking lot, sang as we hopped out of the car. "You look so fucking sexy!" she commented in a loud voice, bringing all eyes on my sister.

  Bitch!

  Lily made a comment on Julie's outfit, then, as Emma and Sandra made it over to them, they started all the, 'ohmigod, I love that skirt, I adore those jeans, I'm so jealous of your top' bullshit.

  Girls!

  All fucking day long I did nothing more than snarl at every fucker who eyed my sister with fucking hungry eyes. At lunch, I saw Lily talking with that asshat John. They were smiling and giggling, and I wanted to rip his fucking throat out.

  But in
stead, I elbowed him once – or ten times while we were at practice at the end of the day. He may have gotten slightly bruised ribs in the process. Fucking asshole deserved it!

  The days passed with the same rhythm. Lily was driving me insane with her clothes. I did nothing about it, giving her the message that I was keeping my word and I'd wait for her to tell me herself that she wanted more.

  I knew she wanted more. I kept my hands to myself – well, to my dick, to be clearer. I'm telling you, I seriously began to think that my dick was going to fall off from yanking on it too much.

  Every guy who I even slightly thought, just for a second, might be thinking about asking my girl out, I made him think twice. I was like a mad dog who scared everyone away from their owner's house.

  And all of that, I did wordlessly – an elbow in gym class, or while practicing, or just while simply walking in the lobby. I might have kicked someone in the balls as well, apologizing right after it for thinking he needed help with carrying his books and my knee got stuck between us somehow.

  We made a new friend, Peter, an Egyptian exchange student. He was cool and funny, and his girlfriend wasn't so bad either. It all went somehow sort of okay for the first couple of months. Lily was boyfriend-free and that was all that mattered to me.

  I didn't know that my world was going to turn upside down the night I made it to the house after my football practice and Lily wasn't there. At first, I'd thought she was up in her room, studying or doing whatever, but when Mom served us dinner and she wasn't at the table like every fucking day, I knew something was off.

  "Where is Lily?" I asked.

  "Oh, honey, you don't know? She went out." Mom replied, looking all excited and smiling. I suddenly felt a serious need to vomit.

  "Went out, where?" My voice became louder for some reason. It was like I already knew what she was going to say, but my mind wouldn't believe it just yet.

  "Oh, Adrian, you should have seen her, she looked stunning," Mom squealed. "I can't believe she just went out on her first date ever!"

  I felt like I had just been hit by a car – no, by a bus. My vision became blurry, and I wasn't hearing what my mom was babbling on about with my Dad. I felt like I was underwater.

  Who was the fucking bitch who dared to take her out? All I've done was in vain? Where the fuck did he take her? What is he going to do with her? Who the fuck is he?!

  "With whom?" I didn't recognize my own fucking voice.

  "Ian." Mom frowned, confused that I didn't know already.

  Ian! The fucking son of the bitch! He's fucking dead!

  It was like he wasn't the same person any more. Everything about him has changed. I hated it. But, sadly, I couldn't fix it. Looking back at the past few years makes me wonder: What really happened to him? How did he become like that? I even Googled it, but was not offered any valid information.

  Adrian… The one who once swept my tears away was now the one causing them.

  I was trying really hard to understand what he was going through, having those kind of … thoughts about me and all. Yeah, I understood him trying to get away from me. That was the Adrian I knew and loved. But he stopped doing that; now, he was only trying to touch me and be intimate with me, one way or another. And I was really tired—bored with trying to push him away.

  "Tired and bored" or are you really just enjoying it?

  I don't know…

  I really don't know.

  I had spent so many days, weeks and even months doing nothing except being confused about the whole thing. I won't lie, at first I shrugged him away with all of my might, because it was the right thing to do. But now, I didn't know how I felt any more.

  I liked the way he touched me. He made me feel things I'd never felt before. He touched spots in my body that I never knew existed. I loved the way he paid attention to my clothes and how I looked. I still remembered the first day he told me about the kind of clothes I wore that made him uncomfortable – that day I felt really pretty.

  Every other day, I dressed modestly so as not to bother him. I felt pretty because I was thinking about why I was dressing that way. The answer was that there was someone who suffered if I dressed otherwise because he thought I was so pretty and sexy.

  Maybe I didn't know it back then, but I knew it now. I liked the way my brother made me feel. Physically and emotionally. But then again, it was wrong.

  Adrian was acting like "I want you, you want me, let's have fun." He thought there was no problem as long as we both wanted it. But it was not right.

  There were lots of things to consider about whether or not I was really up to going along with what he was saying and just … go for it. So many things…

  There were people. There was God. Culture and religion. Manners and beliefs. Morals and taboos.

  I couldn't ignore all of that just because my brother—and my body—were telling me to do so. I had a brain that I should involve in all of this, and my brain and mind were telling me that I couldn't. That it was wrong. That it was not right!

  I didn't know how Adrian could just forget about all of that? Didn't he at least think about our parents? And how if they found out something like that it would break their hearts into pieces?!

  And above all of that, I didn't like the way he had been treating me. I tried to stop it, that was why I considered dating. Thinking maybe, just maybe, if he saw that I wasn't available any more, he'd just move on with his life and forget about me.

  But of course, most likely not… I really didn't think about dating John; maybe last year, yeah, but not anymore, he was weird. I just flirted with him a little only to piss Adrian off, nothing more. I didn't like him that much anyway—not at all, for that matter.

  Adrian had hit him that day. He'd made it look like an accident, but I knew it wasn't, and if I'd had any doubts about it, they were gone a week later when he hit one guy after another by 'accident.'

  I stopped flirting with guys eventually; it was just causing pain to others, and I couldn't keep on doing that. Though in the last few weeks, I'd begun to feel new things toward Ian. Not the things I felt for him before, no, it was something else.

  I'd known Ian my whole life. We'd met in the first grade and had become best friends in no time, though he spent way more time with Adrian than with me, doing boys stuff and whatever.

  Maybe Sandra took me away a little from our triangle when she moved in with her family in fifth grade. But Ian had always had a special place in my heart, no matter how many friends we made through the years.

  It didn't take me long to realize that those feelings I had for Ian were something more than friendship. It all started with that small kiss he'd given me the other night. He had changed, he started making comments about how nice I dressed or how beautiful I looked. He wasn't that silly boy who acted silly and most of the time talked to me like I was just "one of the guys." I was now "beautiful" or so he called me.

  When I made the decision to go out with Ian, I didn't feel so bad about what Adrian might do to him. Ian was a big guy; he could take care of himself, and above all I was now doing it for a reason. I liked Ian, and I wasn't just doing it to piss Adrian off.

  One thing was bothering me though: How would that affect their friendship? Would he hate Ian now and just think about how to get rid of him or push him away from me? Or would he just let it go because it was his friend and … I really don't know what I'm thinking any more.

  Ian was shocked when I asked him out. Heck, I was shocked when I asked him out; I didn't know where I got the courage from. But I'd been hinting about it for a long time and he wouldn't just do it already! And then he kept asking, are you sure? Will Adrian be okay with it? Blah blah blah.

  Eventually, I told him that we would try, that Adrian could go bang his head into a thick wall or something for all I cared. It was my life and I made my own decisions, not anyone else’s.

  I didn't tell Adrian. We weren't talking that much anyway. He would just show up in the bathroom every now and then wh
ile I was brushing my teeth or my hair before bed, wearing nothing but his boxers which mostly didn't leave much to the imagination, putting that muscular chest and back on display for me to drool over.

  Not like I was ogling or anything. I wasn't. At all.

  He would brush his teeth, too, and then just leave. The lock was a lost cause; it wasn't working any more for some reason.

  To be honest, I was afraid of how he'd react, or that he might do something to prevent me from going out with Ian, so I told Ian not to tell our friends until we saw how our first date went. Little did I know that me, dating, would be a huge tipping point for Adrian.

  It was really a nice date. Ian took me to a ridiculously expensive restaurant. I felt stupid for not wearing something more appropriate, just a plain blue dress, but of course Ian made sure to tell me how pretty I looked every two seconds.

  He was really sweet and such a gentleman the whole time, opening the car door for me and standing up every time I did during dinner. So sweet! It was really easy to talk to Ian, though it had always been like that. Nothing new, yet it felt anything but usual. I had a great time.

  As I'd suggested, Ian had his cell phone switched off just like mine. I told him that it would be better if nobody bothered us with their calls. And you do know who I meant when I said nobody.

  When Ian walked me to the front door, my heart was pounding so hard, I could almost hear it, just because I was thinking that he'd probably give me our first kiss. I was really excited about it, but I didn't know why the image of Adrian was in my mind.

  I thought maybe because I really wanted Ian to kiss me, desperately waiting to see if it'd feel the same as Adrian's kisses, that someone else could make me feel the things that Adrian made me feel, that I could live my life normally.

  Yeah, I really thought that was why I was thinking about him when I was about to have my first appropriate kiss. Ian had both of my hands in his as we stood by the door. We were both smiling and I was blushing like crazy.

  "I really had a great time, Lilla." Ian smiled, looking into my eyes and brushing his thumbs over the back of my hands slowly, softly.