Abruption

by Riley Mackenzie

  The chapel was still empty when we resumed our positions from earlier. Me sitting, Guy pacing in the front. I had enough nervous energy to run a marathon, but I knew if I did this standing my legs would never support me.

  “Listen.” He stopped and faced me. “I’m sorry I exploded earlier. I shouldn’t have dropped all that on you. It was too much. It’s just that I feel like I’m sitting around banging my head against the wall, waiting for the next catastrophe. I don’t even know how to explain it. It’s frustrating as all hell. My life is like a chronic abruption since that first bleed. Raw and gaping. You barreled in unexpectedly, and for the first time since my life derailed, I started to see possibility again. That’s on me. You promised me nothing.”

  “Don’t say that. I’m right here because I want to be. Ask me again.”

  “Jules, I’m not doing this. I’m not stupid. You show up in the middle of the night with another man. Disheveled, lips swollen. You know what? It doesn’t even matter.” Guy turned to walk away, activating a panic like I’ve never known.

  “Ask me again!” I pleaded.

  “No more lies, Jules.”

  “I’d never lie to you, Guy. Never, ever. And I hate that you think I was. I didn’t realize you thought Lucca was my cousin, but he is family, like a big brother to me. And today is his birthday. That’s all true. We’ve been best friends since—God, I don’t remember a time before then. And for years, we’ve been going to the Catskills together, but not like you think. The first time we were seventeen. Lucca just got his license and thought it would be fun to borrow his dad’s Impala. We stayed up all night drinking cheap wine coolers and playing card games. Needless to say, we both got punished for a month, and I missed my junior prom. But it was totally worth it. We found a place to escape when either of our families got a little too crazy or whenever the city felt too small. Graduations, birthdays, bad break ups … it became our go-to place. When Lucca’s first Wall Street bonus check cleared and he signed the lease on his BMW, it was the first place we sped to. A month later, we were back to toast my MBA. Dreams we talked about forever were finally coming true. It was surreal. We drank way better than Zima that night, but the hangover was nothing shy of life altering compared to when we were teenagers. We crossed a line we promised each other we’d never cross. Once. I’d say I regret it, but I can’t. Six weeks later, we were back on that mountain trying to absorb the fact that we were going to be parents. It’s the same place my best friend dropped to his knee and asked me to marry him, not out of earth shattering love, but out of responsibility and honor. We brought our three-month-old baby girl there for her first vacation and hiked through the trails. And then we scattered her ashes there only one month later. On Lucca’s birthday.”

  I wasn’t sure when my internal temperature skyrocketed or when my eyes drifted closed. But time stood still. I remembered every single second of that fateful day.

  “Oh, Jules. God, I’m so sorry. I wish you would have told me sooner.”

  “It’s not that I didn’t want to. Trust me, I would talk about my Gemma all day, every day if my heart could handle it. But it can’t. She was the very best part of me, my every dream come true. My precious gem, my baby girl. She had the biggest brown eyes you ever saw, perfect little pouty lips, and more hair than I knew what to do with. She was so beautiful and sweet. Even when she fussed, all I had to do was hold her against my chest or nurse her, and she’d coo and snuggle in so close, like she wanted to climb back in.”

  The ache was excruciating, but I forced myself to keep going. “She started teething that week, and we were up most of the night. Just the two of us. Not that Lucca didn’t always offer, he did. But I was selfish that way and I loved our middle of the night feedings. Her little gums were so swollen, and she was so cranky. My heart broke for her. I hated that she was in pain. We rocked and paced for hours, but right as the sun came up, so did her smiles. She was as delicious as ever. Mommy, on the other hand, was deliriously exhausted. I knew she’d take an extra long nap though, allowing me to squeeze in a quick catnap. This was our routine, we’d done it dozens of times before.” My voice cracked on my last few words, and I stopped trying to fight my tears. They rolled down my cheeks as I relived in my mind the next few hours that would forever change my life.

  This would be the first time I shared this aloud.

  “We went for our morning walk, like we did every day. Gemma loved her stroller. It was one of those Bugaboo bassinets on wheels. Lucca was all about top of the line, but I’d never complain about the best for our baby. Besides, she always took the best naps. Like her mama, she loved the fresh air—it would lull her to sleep immediately. She always looked so comfy I never wanted to move her. I never needed to. She was always flat on her back. She couldn’t even turn over yet, and she had plenty of room. I never kept any toys with her, and I always made sure to unzip her Bundleme as soon as we got home so she wasn’t too warm. That day was no different. It shouldn’t have been any different.”

  God, why was it different?

  “Maybe I should have transferred her into her crib, or maybe I should have made coffee instead of laying down on the couch. Why didn’t I park the stroller a few inches closer to me? I could have heard her. Heard something.” I cupped a hand over my mouth to catch the sobs that tore through me, and with the other I held up my pointer finger. “One. One hour,” I croaked.

  Sixty minutes.

  “I fell asleep for one hour and when I woke up … my life, my reason for breathing … was gone. My beautiful, sweet, precious baby girl looked so peaceful. She hadn’t moved an inch. But the rise and fall of her little chest was gone. One hour ... God, it was one hour.”

  Guy’s heat completely engulfed me, his chest absorbing my sobs, and his strong arms floating me back into the safety of our bubble. The walls suddenly felt like they could survive the tests of time. I never wanted us to leave.

  Ever.

  Minutes passed or maybe only seconds, it didn’t matter. Guy tipped my chin up, connecting our eyes. His lips brushed against mine for only a moment, yet tiny bursts of determination and courage exploded around his tenderness. A devastating vulnerability seeped out, but it was the equal parts love and heartache he so freely let me feel that was my undoing. Pulling away, he stared down at me as his own tears leaked from his beautiful blue eyes. He wasn’t embarrassed; he didn’t try and hide them. No, this was him stripped bare. For me.

  “I see you, doll. I’ve kept my rage bottled up for so long it made me unrecognizable. Yet you can see me. You are the only one, Jules, that can really see me, the old me. And now I see you, all of you.”

  As the words fell from her lips and she retold her horrendous tragedy, I held her tighter. If I could have climbed inside to take away her pain I would have. She relived those heartbreaking moments when she found her baby not breathing. I listened to her blame herself for something that was no one’s fault. SIDS has no cause. No symptoms, not a single warning sign. Just a wake of complete and utter devastation. There was not a single word I could offer to console her. Nothing that would soothe the never-ending ache. Nothing that would bring back Gemma.

  “I’m so sorry I kept this from you. I just couldn’t. I’m broken, Guy. So very, very broken.”

  I cupped her cheeks and stared into her molten caramels. “Baby. I’m here. Oh, Jules. Do you have any idea what it feels like to know that you trusted me enough to share this with me? Please, let me give you what you’ve given me. You’ve become my rock. Let me become yours. Let me make you happy. Let me help you heal.”

  She sunk into my side, and the quiet encircled us before I asked the question that still stung my gut. “Where does this leave you and Lucca? You may think of him platonically—best friends, big brother, cousin, whatever. But how does he think of you?”

  “I want you to get to know him and see for yourself how he treats me. We are family in every sense of the word. That night, way back in the Catskills, confirmed it. He’s the one who pulled away
first—told me it felt weird, like he was kissing his sister. We should have listened to our instincts and stopped right then because it was weird. Really awkward, actually, because deep down, I felt the same way. But somehow in my teenage drunken stupor I convinced myself and Lucca that it was fine, we were just having some fun.” She shook her head a little as if to erase the memory. “You’ve only had a chance to meet overprotective Lucca. And I’m sure he could come off as jealous. I’m to blame for that. I never told him about us, how I felt about you, Max, and Finn. He knows now. And I think in a way he’s relieved that he no longer needs to feel responsible for me, not that he ever should have. But Lucca always wanted me to find happiness again, and now he can see that I have. I’m living again, I’m laughing again, and it’s only because of you. What I was missing was the last bit of strength I needed to share Gemma with you and Lucca gave me that. Now, I can only hope that one day he will find something as real, something as wonderful as I have with you.” She paused and grabbed my hand before continuing.

  “Remember when you asked me, ‘are you sure, Jules?’ And I told you I was scared. Well, that’s still the truth. I’m petrified. But you—Max and Finn too—truly make me happier than I’ve been in years. I’m not sure my heart will ever completely heal, though. I’m not sure I even want it to. But you’ve made me realize that in a world of unfair it doesn’t have to mean resignation. There has to be some form of acceptance. It means understanding what you’ve been dealt, is what it is. And the only way to get through it is to fight harder. Fight longer. Fight together. I want to be a part of your lives. If you’ll have me ... this is me saying yes.”

  I roamed her beautiful face, wiping away some of her tears, and said, “I love that you think you really had a choice. You’ve already been ours.” You will forever be ours. Her lips spread and a semblance of a smile danced across her cheeks as I watched a seven-year-old weight shift off her shoulders just slightly. I believed her. I understood what she was telling me. I understood how Lucca fit into her life. Didn’t mean I wouldn’t add matchmaker to my to-do list. Meg, Jill, hell, even the chubby chick from the OR … Italian men liked a little meat, right?

  “Can I ask you something now?” she whispered.

  “Of course. But I’m not sure I have anything left to tell.”

  “What did you mean when you said ‘regardless of what you had to give up’ to move to New York for Brittany?”

  “Doll, none of that even matters, at this point. That ship sailed long ago and I wouldn’t trade my life with my kids for anything.”

  “It matters to me.”

  “The day Britt told me she was pregnant with Finn I’d gotten my acceptance to Stanford for a vascular fellowship. That was always the plan, or at least my plan. I never envisioned staying on the East Coast, and I certainly never considered general surgery as the end goal. Britt’s the one who insisted on moving to New York, totally pulling the rug out from under me. She’d never once mentioned that as a possibility. Hell, when we got together she listened to me go on and on about California and Stanford’s program, and she was all for it, couldn’t wait, wanted to follow me anywhere. Maybe if she would’ve been honest, I would’ve looked into closer programs—my girls were my world. Is it totally messed up that part of me is relieved she got what she wanted so I don’t have to carry the guilt of her dying somewhere she never wanted to be?”

  “It’s not messed up at all. It’s natural to feel that way. Maybe it’s hard to understand her reasoning because your dreams were set, but Brittany was twenty-four and in love and probably hadn’t figured hers out yet. Promise me something,” she said.

  “Anything.” I’d give this woman the world on a silver platter if I could erase some of her hurt. I knew it was impossible, but I hoped in the future I’d be the one she’d lean on during the bad days, the sad days, the days that were unbearable. The days that getting out of bed was a feat in itself.

  “Let go of this bitterness you’re harboring and find it somewhere in here”—she placed her open palm against my chest, and my heart raced—“to forgive. Brittany was so young and naive and made poor life choices, probably because she was terrified and had an equally poor role model. You said yourself that she was riddled with guilt after Finn was born. We both know there are no guarantees, even if she was compliant with her treatment, the outcome may have been the same. You’ll never know. Just like I’ll never know why my healthy baby girl never woke up from her nap in her pram stroller. Brittany gave you two precious lives. So love her for that. I was never in love with Lucca, but I’ll never stop loving him for giving me Gemma. Even as much as it hurts, without them we would have never known our greatest blessings.”

  “Daddy, yay! You’re just in time!” Max shouted as I stepped through the door Sunday evening. Unfortunately, I had gotten called in for a ruptured appendix earlier in the day and it took a lot longer than I had hoped sans Bryce.

  Bonus was it gave my mom, who took the red eye in this morning, and Jules some time to hang and chat and do whatever women do during a first meet and greet. And it seemed they hit it off, so much so they tag-teamed dinner, Jules making her Mama CeCe’s gravy, while my mother breaded and baked the eggplant.

  Jules may have even teased Reina, imitating CeCe’s accent, saying, “Eggplant is-a grown to be fried.”

  It wasn’t me slaving away in the kitchen, and from the looks of my peanuts’ light red-stained cheeks it must have been delicious. I couldn’t wait to try some.

  “For what?” I asked, kicking off my shoes and hanging up my coat.

  “Nana’s down dog.”

  Confusion must have spread across my face because Reina jumped to interpret with, “We learned some yoga while you were gone this afternoon. And downward facing dog is the name of one of the poses.” For as many years as my mother taught yoga, I still had no clue what any of it meant.

  “Well, by all means, let’s get this show on the road.”

  “JuJu is learning too, Daddy.” Max bounced up and down, excitedly moving Jules into position. I scooted the coffee table, making some more room, and took a seat on the couch next to my little man who was grinning from ear to ear.

  “You good, buddy?” I whispered, squishing him into my side and kissing his temple. He nodded, his grin widening even more.

  My mother stood off to the side and instructed, “Mountain pose.” Max’s arms shot straight up over her head; I’d never seen her stand so still. “Okay, let’s touch our hands to the floor in the forward bend. Perfect. Now walk your hands forward into downward facing dog.”

  I chuckled, picking up on Max’s cute shortened version. “Nana’s down dog, I get it. Except isn’t this a move Casey should learn?” I teased.

  Max stared seriously at me from between her legs for several beats before breaking out into a smile. “Casey’s a dog, he can’t do yoga, Daddy.”

  Finn giggled and added, “That’s silly.”

  I looked over at the yoga rookie, thinking if downward facing dog wasn’t a pose made for Casey, it was definitely invented for Jules. Yoga rookie, my ass. She didn’t miss my facial expressions, and even hanging upside down, I couldn’t miss hers either. Her eye roll turned to a steel dagger (I’d take this eye roll and dagger any day if it meant I’d never have to see her face full of pain ever again) led me to believe that she thought I shouldn’t be appreciating her tight ass and long legs the way I was with my mother and children in the room. I begged to differ—they couldn’t read my mind.

  “Now up into warrior 1, do you remember this one, Max?” My mother’s voice killed my vision, but not before I made an important mental note. Store this flexibility for later.

  “Yes. Don’t show me, Nana.” Max was back to serious. It really was so adorable. She lunged into one leg and shot both arms back up into the air.

  “Very nice, ladies,” Reina said brightly.

  “Bravo,” I said in my deepest voice.

  Finn giggled and chanted, “More, more.”

 
Max leaped into my lap and wrapped her arms around my neck, giggling along with Finn.

  “You looked beautiful.”

  “Thank you, Daddy. That was so fun,” she cheered.

  Jules squeezed herself next to us on the couch. She seemed so much better. I wasn’t sure if better was the right word. Maybe relieved. Or more at peace. Whatever it was, she seemed content here with us. Beaming at Max, while pulling Finn onto her lap, she said, “Your Nana is a great teacher.”

  Max nodded so vigorously her pigtails whipped against my cheeks, one landing right in my eye and making me laugh. Oblivious to my tearing eye, she shook her pointer finger at Finn. “Finny, next time you can learn yoga too. Daddy says practice makes perfect.” Then she directed her attention to Reina and batted her huge blue, puppy dog eyes. “Nana, can we learn more poses, pleeeese?”

  “Of course, we can arrange that for tomorrow. But tonight Nana is exhausted. She had a long flight.”

  “Daddy says you had to get red eyes. But Nana, you have blue eyes.”

  The women went hysterical. Jules’ laugh, the one I missed like crazy, filled the room. This was exactly the lighthearted evening I hoped I would walk into.

  Thankful that Finn had been seizure-free since yesterday morning and his EEG was normal didn’t make it any less of a weekend of marathon emotions and devastating truths. After we had left the chapel, emotionally shot, Jules went home for a quick shower and a change of clothes. Maya and Max had left as well, to get some fresh air. Finn had finally fallen asleep, giving me a chance to speak on the phone with my mother before she boarded her plane. She was the one person in my life that had always been a constant. The one I could talk to about everything, often giving me the wider perspective. Jules’ loss stunned her. It took her several moments to collect herself before she provided me with a response that left me speechless.

  “Ask her about her baby, honey. Tell her you want to know about every moment of every day of Gemma’s precious time here on earth. Her newborn smell, every gurgle and giggle, her first smile and first tooth. Let her replay those stories over and over for you. Gemma was her life, even if it was only for four beautiful months. Jules may struggle at first, it may be too emotional, but you wait patiently, eventually she’ll let you love Gemma too. And honey, you will, you’ll love her as much as you love Max and Finn. Because Gemma is a part of her. A huge part. Losing her daughter has made Jules the woman she is today. The woman you would have never crossed paths with if this tragedy never happened. The woman you have fallen in love with.”