Abruption

by Riley Mackenzie

  Guy’s mouth lifted on the side. “Sugar mama?” He echoed my attempted slang, shaking his head with an amused smirk. “Only you could be funny and adorable after you lay it all out there and rock my world.”

  “Who me? You think I’m funny, like a clown, I amuse you?” I totally botched the delivery, but hey, I tried. And it was worth it. Guy’s amused smirk turned to a grin and then he laughed. Not loud, not for long, but enough to bounce off the shower walls and ease the smallest amount of stress from his overburdened frame. I loved that I could do that for him, even if the reprieve was only temporary.

  He cupped my face and in return, rocked my world. “Thank you for loving them the way you do and for putting them first like only a mother could. If this is what you want to do, I’d be a fool to stop you. Why wouldn’t I want Max and Finn to have you? All of you. As much as they could. So how about we forget sugar mama and you be the mama bear instead.”

  “Mama Bear,” I repeated, letting it seep to the depths of my soul. “God, do I love that.” Because I did. There was no more fighting it. I couldn’t. I did not want to. A few months ago, the word alone had the power to paralyze my senses. Mother. I remembered how affected I was the first time I heard my nieces call Selena, Mama. The pain was so raw—I avoided my own flesh and blood for weeks. The thought of ever being someone’s mom again and embracing my maternal instincts would have sent me spiraling, sucking every drop of air from my lungs. It had been the trigger that would force me back and make me start over. Tonight, though, my lungs expanded. And instead of drifting to the past I only saw the future.

  A future protecting and nurturing two precious lives. Like any mama (bear) would.

  I can do this.

  “Thank you.” I said, kissing his lips. “I love you so much. I love that you believe in me, and you trust me with your li’l cubs.” Cheesy, maybe. But I didn’t care. He wanted me to be their mom.

  He chuckled, nipping along the top of my shoulder, my neck, and up towards my jaw. His lips paused at my ear, and he breathed I love you before seductively rasping, “I’m interested in practicing for another cub if you’re up for it.”

  He attacked my mouth before I could huff or even roll my eyes (so damn aggravating sometimes), but more importantly, process what those words could even mean. His fingers traced up my ribs, my breasts, and my neck, lifting my hair to grip the back of my head. My body instantly buzzed, and my nipples peaked under his caress. Guy had the power to consume me, make me ache for him, crave him pretty much anytime and anyplace.

  When he released my lips, all silliness was gone and the depth at which his eyes penetrated me made my heart flutter. There was desire and a hunger laced with a melancholy that we both knew all too well. Some days it was easier to push aside, but today it was tough. We’d grown to rely on the safety of each other’s arms making it easier, more bearable. That together we’d jump the next hurdle and we’d be on the other side waiting if someone stumbled.

  His mouth descended back onto mine, this time as a kiss of necessity. Like I was the last drop of water in a barren desert or the first lungful of air after a deep surface dive. He needed me tonight. And I needed him.

  I reached for his growing erection, my palm running up and down his smooth length. He forcefully pushed himself against my hand, releasing a strangled hiss. I did that to him. God, did I love knowing that my touch alone could make him question his control, and he in return could let go. The shower wall was cool against my back when he gripped my bottom and lifted me up. I wrapped my legs around his waist, and his hot and silky tip nudged my entrance. My walls immediately clenched, drawing him in deeper. He rocked his hips forward and back in a steady rhythm that both eased and intensified my throb. My fingers dug into his upper arms, and our foreheads pressed together. Our eyes were locked on our union, while droplets of water rolled down our bodies. The intimacy of watching and experiencing this moment together was a culmination of our trust in one another.

  It didn’t take long before we both crashed over into a bliss that only we could create. My name on his lips and his on mine, both of our hearts ricocheted in time with the other. It was an escape that only we could find.

  “You okay?” I asked because he was still holding me like I was a feather. “You can put me down.” If I felt shaky from the combination of our powerful orgasm and the heat from the shower, his thighs had to be shot.

  “I love being inside you.” I rolled my eyes. “I want you for a little bit longer. What’s the rush?” he asked, sucking my nipple into his mouth, like we didn’t just have mind-blowing sex and the water wasn’t tepid at best.

  “What if Finn calls for us?”

  “Do me a favor, doll.”

  “Anything.” Any. Thing. I couldn’t imagine begrudging this man anything.

  “Promise me you’ll never bring up the kids again while I’m balls deep.”

  I giggled, sliding down his body. “Deal,” I promised, and his expression was priceless. Turning off the water, I grabbed two towels. We needed to hash out tomorrow’s details before my head hit the pillow that was calling for me. “Glad we got all that sorted because I have to get to bed before my eyes close right here. Do you mind rounding a little later tomorrow so you can drop Max at school? Maya said she didn’t mind switching back to her old schedule, just for the day.”

  “No problem, but where are you going?” he asked, confused.

  Since we moved in together, I adjusted my schedule so I could hang back in the morning, handle the breakfast/getting dressed routine, and then drop Max at school on my way into work. Guy rounded earlier with the hopes of getting done earlier (not like the man understood the concept of sleeping in anyway) and it shortened Maya’s day.

  “I told you, I have back-to-back meetings with my department head and human resources to cut back my hours. Have less administrative duties, but keep my time in the PICU with patients.”

  Guy let out another unrestrained laugh. “You said you were thinking about it, not that it was hours away from being a done deal. What am I going to do with you?” If he kept looking at me like this, he could do whatever he wanted to. Whenever and however.

  “Whoopsie,” I answered, hoping my eyes said as much as his. Who loves ya? “Besides, the sooner we get this all squared away, the better. And I think Maya could use the break. Today she seemed a bit more unnerved, understandably so, she was scared. We all were. If the timing of everything works out, hopefully she’ll be able to clock the precepting hours she needs to be able to graduate in less than a year. And before you say anything, I know she relies on this income, and working fewer hours could be a stress for her. So I figured it all out. I haven’t raised the rent on the brownstone apartments since, well, ever. They are so far under market value it’s probably illegal in some way. I’d obviously never take a dime more from Sal, but the leases on B and C are up next month and both tenants are moving out. I’m going to rent them at market value. I only need to cover my health insurance, which I’ll probably lose when I’m working less and whatever you need me to contribute here, so all the extra money can go straight to Maya until she graduates.”

  The playful smirk fell from Guy’s face. Crap. Maybe I didn’t think through all the details. I was just so eager to spend more time with the kids.

  “Not once did my wife consider our finances or how to make life easier for us. Money was tight—we had one salary and a baby nurse we didn’t need and couldn’t afford. I would lay awake at night and worry about not providing enough, while Britt slept sounder than our newborn.” I was so taken aback, my mouth parted but nothing came out. “Now money’s not tight, and I’ve got a woman who deserves everything I can afford to give her but she would rather sacrifice to raise our kids herself … and she’s losing sleep strategizing how to keep our babysitter on the payroll.” Guy shook his head in amazement.

  I refused to let him see me cry, even though his words brought me to the brink. I swallowed past the tight knot and struggled to find my voice.
“You know whatever happens, good or bad, you’ve got me. You’re not alone, Guy. I promise I’m here.”

  “You are amazing.” I didn’t have to worry about my loss for words this time. Guy took advantage of my parted mouth and covered it with his own. My body was beyond exhausted, yet this man had a way of awakening my senses. “And don’t worry about Maya. I’ve relied on her so much over the past four years I’d never abandon her. I’ve got all of us covered. As for my real estate tycoon, that’s your money. Bank it, spend it, bejewel an eye patch for Casey with it. Whatever you want.”

  I loved that he was trying to be playful for my sake, but I saw the emotion behind his own eyes. I saw him. “Whatever I want? Then when Finn is feeling better, when his new meds get ironed out, and all this uncertainty is behind us, how does a kick ass family vacation sound?”

  It had to be when because if wasn’t an option.

  Please God, let it be when.

  As if he heard my prayer, Guy’s voice was heavy when he answered, “Sounds perfect, doll. Perfect.”

  “Hey, dude. How’s Violet feeling?” I asked Bryce as he stepped up behind me to look at our OR schedule. Besides a few texts back and forth, we hadn’t really connected since the morning Finn was in the ER with bloody vomit. His visits had been so frequent over the past few months I needed to add descriptors to keep them straight. Sadly, Bryce and Violet made their own visit later that same day. Violet miscarried.

  “Better, physically. Mentally, she’s still struggling.”

  “How you holding up?”

  “It sounds twisted, but in a way I’m relieved. I’m glad we didn’t have to make the decision. Not sure how we would have gotten past that. Fortunately, her OB said we could try again when we feel ready. Somehow losing the baby naturally has made it more bearable, I guess.”

  “Doesn’t sound twisted. It sounds like an impossible decision was taken from your hands, and there’s nothing wrong with feeling grateful for that. Doesn’t make it hurt any less. You don’t need me to tell you it’s going to take time.”

  “Yeah.” He shrugged and ran his palm across his face. I wasn’t sure he really believed what he was trying to convince himself of. Then again, no one should have to reason through losing a child. Ever.

  I had come close, way too close and way too many times during Finn’s first few months. That was a hellfire I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy. I couldn’t begin to imagine the scorching blaze Bryce and Violet were enduring, or worse, the inferno Jules survived.

  She was a survivor.

  Pride battled back the anger I currently felt for dealing Jules her tortured hand and my shoulders swelled. Time may have buried her scars skin deep but they’d always be raw. Instead of spending the rest of her life under a shield of steel armor, my woman was home right now making my kids laugh over pancakes, giving them a sense of security that only comes with knowing you mean everything to someone.

  My guess, Vi was a survivor too.

  “Hey, did Jules ever get a chance to catch up with Vi yesterday?” I asked out of curiosity and because I knew Jules had reached out. She barely knew Bryce and she’d never met Violet, but she was torn up when I told her about their ordeal. I was on overload the night it all went down, and I was embarrassed to admit that I never considered how my woman might react or what memories might get stirred up. But in true Jules fashion, she was a rock.

  She looked back on the days and weeks after Gemma passed and recalled how she barely remembered most of the calls or visits she received. Everything blurred together, except the faces of the women who sought her out and struggled to share their own tragic stories of loss. Their faces were crystal clear and fixed into a collage of light that flickered during her darkest hours. She was resolute when she said she’d forever pay it forward. Then she asked for Violet’s number. I should have been blown away by her selflessness, but I wasn’t.

  Exception.

  Survivor.

  “Shit, they did. Sorry, man, I feel like I’ve been so caught up in our craziness, I forgot to thank you for that. Vi was so appreciative. Helped put things in perspective. What we’re going through is one thing, but God, losing a four-month-old. Fuck, Guy, that’s devastating.” He squeezed my shoulder. “Vi and I were talking about her last night and how she chose a career in pediatrics after—takes a special woman to face a loss like that head on. You found yourself a diamond in the rough, dude.” My jewel. “I’m happy for you. You deserve this. You deserve her. And so do the kids.”

  “Thanks, really appreciate it.” And I did. More than I was able to express.

  We both focused back on the day’s daunting schedule, trying to ignore the heaviness in the air. When that failed, I said, “But just let me know if you’re going to go all Dr. Phil on me again?”

  I watched a small portion of his stress melt away as he laughed. He smacked my back in return. “Why not? Talk show host sounds a hell of a lot better than the shitshow we have later.”

  I wasn’t so sure about that, but he managed to return the favor and it was my turn to laugh. He wasn’t wrong about the day ahead of us. Our case list had suck-potential written all over it.

  The bookends weren’t bad; hernia repairs were straightforward. A second-year resident would have a hard time fucking those cases up. But the colon resection wedged in between was a different story.

  I tapped the paper, my finger over the second case, and grimaced. “You’re not kidding. She’s had a shit-ton of surgeries. Her abdominal wall is going to be like cement. We’re going to be chipping away adhesions forever.”

  I loved operating and thrived on a challenge as much as the next surgeon, but today I could have used a cakewalk. No such luck and no sense dwelling on it. “Since we’re in for the long haul, do me a favor and step up your game, shoot for Jerry Springer or something.”

  “You’re a fucking dipshit, you know that?”

  This time we both laughed. All right, with our heads back in the game, we needed to get this done. Our families were waiting.

  “Needle down.” I carefully laid the needle driver onto the sterile field and glanced over at the wall, waiting for my scrub nurse to reload it.

  “You getting bored, dude?” Bryce broke my trance. “Gonna get a complex if you keep checking the time. I think I’ve been quite entertaining the past few hours.”

  I probably would have joined the room’s amusement, but I couldn’t get past the gnawing feeling in my gut. “Jules was bringing Finn in for blood work around ten. I told her to call directly to the room when they got done.”

  It was twelve-thirty. Even if Finn threw the shit fit of all shit fits, it didn’t take two and a half hours.

  Bryce had no problem reading between the lines. “Wait, I thought he was doing better on the new meds. No?”

  “He is.” Thank fuck. “But his liver enzymes were bumped last go around—this was to make sure they’re trending back down.”

  Bryce turned his head to eye the clock hanging up high on the wall behind him. When he righted back around he said, “She probably got caught up in the PICU and hasn’t had a chance to call yet. My guess, he’s home with Maya pigging out on some of that all natural flaxseed crap she tries to pass off as cookies. My little dude still brings up Finn’s babysitter’s cardboard cookies.”

  As much as I appreciated his attempted distraction, his joke fell flat. Nothing but the “all clear” call would settle the growing pit in my stomach. Luckily, we were almost finished and prepping to close. God came through with one favor—this colon resection went a hundred times smoother than anticipated. Call me selfish: I was looking for another.

  Not wanting to delve any deeper into my personal life with an audience, I palmed the loaded instrument and meticulously passed the needle through tissue. Like clockwork, Bryce tied the knot, held the excess suture up, and the statuesque medical student standing to his left cut.

  And repeat.

  We finished the rest of the case in silence.

  Bryce thr
ew his face mask in the garbage and joined me at the scrub sink to wash off the four-hour case from his hands. “Two down, one to go.” He really meant the worst was behind us. I hoped he was right in more ways than one. “You get in touch with Jules?” he asked, genuinely concerned.

  I sighed with partial relief before I answered, “They’re downstairs now. She put Finn down for a nap, knew I was in the OR all day, didn’t want to interrupt me to let me know she pushed back the time.” Realizing I failed to mention it earlier, I filled in the gap. “Jules cut back her hours, still in the PICU part-time but with less administrative duties. She is spending more time at home with the kids.”

  “Wow, that’s awesome, man. I bet the kids are psyched.”

  Psyched was an understatement if there ever was one.

  My knee tapped the control, the water turned off, and I tagged a paper towel. “You kidding me? I’m lucky if they acknowledge me when I walk in the door.” No exaggeration, my kids were the happiest they’d ever been since Jules came into our lives.

  Bryce dried his hands and leaned his back against the sink. “So Maya’s not around as much? Bet she’s not thrilled.”

  “It’s not like we’re kicking her to the curb or babysitting was her life plan. This gives her the opportunity to finish up nursing school and start her own career. Plus she is family—she’ll always be a part of the kids’ lives. And she knows that the salary she receives is hers until she graduates, no matter how many hours she works. That won’t change.”

  “Let me get this right, you’re going to bankroll her until she finishes nursing school? I’d have a crush on you too.”

  I dismissed his ludicrous joke and focused on the one million and one ways this was different from the baby nurse situation, even though the irony of paying for another full-time babysitter that I didn’t need was not lost on me.

  “After everything she’s done for my family, I owe her a hell of a lot more than a year’s salary. Her family is loaded, yet she carried the responsibility of taking care of my kids and school to avoid any part of the strings that came along with accepting anything from those people. I’ve got to respect that. No way I’d let her go groveling back. Her parents make Britt’s look well adjusted. I doubt they’ve ever said a kind word to the poor girl.” Aside from a few ski trips where she was forced to mingle, being that it was their ski house, I couldn’t remember the last time she mentioned seeing her folks.