Abruption

by Riley Mackenzie

  “Yay! I have two mommies!” she cheered and excitedly bounced in place. And even more fireworks exploded from my heart. “Thank you, JuJu Mommy. I can’t wait to tell Finny and Chloe and Clara and Liliana.”

  She grinned at me and I smiled, unable to hold back my tears (these weren’t only happy ones, these were blessed ones).

  Mommy JuJu.

  Thank you, God, for giving me another chance.

  “Can we go see Finny now?”

  Right. A four-year-old’s world didn’t allow time to dwell and celebrate miracles. Time to focus. We had an important task at hand.

  I wiped my cheeks, pretended I wasn’t floating on air, and said, “Of course, of course. Let’s move it, sister. Our Feeling Fantastic Fearless Finny is waiting.”

  “Wahoo,” she shouted, running from the room.

  Where to, who knew? I let Casey do the chasing. I grabbed Finn’s navy duffel from his closet and got to work on comfy clothes and extra undies, while I debated on how to break it to her that we weren’t bringing all twenty plus Power Rangers to the hospital with us. Who was I kidding? She just called me Mommy. Maybe I needed a suitcase instead.

  Back within moments, she tossed some little orange packets on Finn’s bed and said, “Finny needs these too.” My eyelids stretched wide open.

  Where in the world did she get condoms? At closer inspection, the packaging was definitely too big. I held one up. HotHands. “Hand warmers? Where did you get these, Maxie?”

  “Maya says these make Finn feel better.”

  Maya was a skier—that made sense. Way more sense than condoms. But goodness, did they look similar from across the room. I bit my lip, embarrassed of where my brain automatically went.

  “Finn won’t need these in the hospital, silly, they’re for chilly fingers. His hands will be nice and warm.” I put the hand warmer packets on Finn’s night table and decided against the lecture on not going through people’s personal things right this second. We’d talk about respecting privacy later when we weren’t rushing.

  Speaking of, I pulled out my phone to see how we were doing on time and my little red text bubble read two.

  I hated the uneasy feeling I got seeing missed messages ever since the night Finn seized and I had no service. I wondered when or if that was ever going to change.

  Guy’s first text immediately alleviated my concern. Of course it did, he knew I was going to be on edge waiting for Finn’s results.

  How are my two favorite girls?

  Finn’s requesting Casey (and not the stuffed one).

  I smiled imagining Guy’s face when Finn asked him to bring our dog to keep him company. I would not have been surprised if Guy had contemplated a covert smuggle operation for a split second. He felt powerless over everything Finn was suffering through and would do anything to make this ordeal easier for him. I understood the feeling.

  His text also reminded me how close my pet therapy program was to being up and running. The board unanimously approved my proposal, and barring any unforeseen legalities, Dr. Paws was slotted to start in the early spring. The kids had helped me pick the program name and I absolutely loved it. Tonight though, Finn’s stuffed pup would have to do.

  Going to round and finish post-op checks now.

  Don’t rush, Maya’s here.

  See you for pizza.

  Crap, I forgot I’d ordered the pizza already. Between worrying about Finn and processing my beautiful moment with Maxie, it slipped my mind.

  Good thing Maya stopped back, she could run downstairs to meet the delivery guy if Maxie and I didn’t make it back in time.

  When I left her on the playground, Maya was upset she couldn’t go back to the hospital. She had a study group she needed to meet at the library. Poor girl, she probably couldn’t get her mind off Finn long enough to study, she was so rattled. The time with him would do her good.

  Your favorite girls are eager to get back to our favorite boys. Xo

  I shot back the quick message, put my phone back in my bag, and said to Maxie, “I have an idea. Since we have a few extra minutes, let’s take out Finny’s iPad and make him a special movie. And since Finn is missing Casey and it’s going to be hard for all these Ranger guys to make the trip, how about we make them the stars?”

  “Casey?” she asked, giggling. “JuJu Mommy, you know how to make a movie?” I got stuck on Mommy and the fluttering in my heart until I felt the tap tap tap again.

  Some grand idea, I hoped all I needed to do was hit record. “Well, you’re gonna help me, right?”

  She was already on the floor stacking wooden blocks from Finn’s toy box and leaning his Power Rangers against them. They must have done this before. Thank goodness. I imagined myself trying to balance those damn little figurines. You breathed wrong and they toppled over. Forget the damage Casey’s tail would do.

  “Ca---sey,” she screamed excitedly after all the guys were lined up. Then she was up and running down the hall again. I unplugged Finn’s iPad from the charger and powered it up. Jeez, there were about a million videos to choose from. “I got him, JuJu,” she grunted, returning.

  She sure had. Casey slid through the door on his haunches with Max’s fingers wrapped tightly around his collar. Sorry, buddy. I gave him the sympathetic anything-for-the-kids look, silently promising him an awesome treat at closing curtain.

  Finn’s door slammed shut and her pointer finger began to shake. “No ‘scaping, Casey. We are making a movie and you are the star.”

  I chuckled at her bossiness. Takes one to know one.

  She hopped on the bed next to me and took over navigating the iPad. “I show you,” she quipped (yup, bossy), scrolling through and tapping play on one of the many movies.

  Max’s gorgeous blue eyes came into focus as she belted out her favorite Aladdin tune.

  A whole new world. It most certainly was.

  My fluttering heart squeezed with each word she sang. She couldn’t have picked a more apropos video in this moment. I’m in a whole new world with you...

  “You haven’t showed me this one yet. What a pretty voice you have,” I complimented, watching as the dancing commenced, the pigtails started swinging, and the spinning took over. Much like the fifty she made before this one (always precious and never to be deleted), except this time the images in the background caught my attention.

  With each one of her whirls I pulled the iPad closer. Maybe it was the angle. I tipped the screen, hoping it would alter the scene. In utter disbelief, I tried blinking a few times and rubbing my eyes. Nothing changed.

  Her little voice belted the lyric, don’t you dare close your eyes. I couldn’t even if I wanted to. My eyes were wide. Glued to the unbelievable sight unraveling before me.

  I hit pause.

  All sound ceased and the frame froze in place.

  The background image was now crystal clear. There was no mistaking what I was witnessing. Silence was quickly replaced by the swooshing of blood pounding in my ears.

  And then it started. It was like pushing that first domino over and every single one after dropping in rapid succession. I couldn’t stop the visions, the memories, the nightmares from flooding my brain.

  The fevers. The vomiting. The seizures. All the whys we had been struggling with.

  Bile rose up faster than I could control. An indescribable feeling of failure washed through me.

  “NOOOOO! NO, NO, NO!”

  How could we have been so blind?

  “Is it gonna huwt, Maya?”

  I straightened Finn’s glasses and crouched to his eye level. I never lied to him before; I wasn’t going to start today. “I’m not sure, Finny. It might pinch a little, but the doctors promise it will be super quick. Sometimes we have to do things we don’t really like to stay healthy, right? So I need you to be brave for me. Can you do that? Can you be brave for Maya?”

  Guy hadn’t gotten a chance to tell Finn about the liver biopsy before he left to round, so I did. He was a smart kid and deserved to kn
ow what was happening.

  “No pinches,” Finn sulked, and his glasses slipped down his nose again. When he pursed his lips and scrunched his brow like this, he reminded me even more of his mom. I missed her every day. She wasn’t just my cousin—she was my best friend. She understood me like no one else. How could I not be here, looking after her son, making sure he got what he needed?

  Tightening the elastic band this time, I righted his spectacles again and reassured him, “Would Maya ever let anyone hurt you? No way. I brought your yummy cherry juice just in case.” I weighed the risk, but the benefit far superseded it. I wouldn’t allow him to feel pain. A percutaneous biopsy was nothing to sneeze at.

  Trust your instincts, Maya.

  “Here, sit up a little, Curly Cue, I don’t want you to choke.” I gently lifted Finn up into the sitting position, propping him up on his pillows. “Have you grown on me? You’re getting to be such a big boy, Finn.” I was surprised by how much heavier he seemed. He must have had a growth spurt recently. I glanced at the side of the box where the dosage instructions were to be certain I was administering the proper amount and poured an extra teaspoon into the little cup to make sure he was covered. “Drink up. Now let’s get you tucked under the covers. It’s chilly in here.”

  I slipped the children’s Tylenol back in the zippered pocket of my bag to make sure I knew exactly where it was, in case he needed a second dose after the procedure, and went to work on removing his leg braces. Undoing the Velcro belts, I slipped them off and shimmied the blankets free from under him. Once he was covered, I clicked the side rails into place and called for his nurse. As it should be in an intensive care unit, the response time was seconds.

  “What’s cooking with my favorite patient? Let me guess, you’re looking for a lemon ice,” his cheery nurse asked, walking to the other side of his bed to turn off one of the unused monitors. I recognized her from one of our prior visits and remembered she was a friend of Jules.

  Exhausted, Finn still managed to yell, “Yippee!”

  “Thanks, Cara, but shouldn’t Finn be NPO before his procedure, decrease any chance of aspiration?” I knew the answer, but I posed the question as a reminder. You could never be too careful, even the best nurses and doctors made mistakes.

  “Iceee, peeese,” Finn pleaded.

  Even though it wasn’t intentional, I wished Cara hadn’t gotten his hopes up.

  “Finn, sweetie, tell you what,” I said. “I’ll call Jules and I bet her daddy will send a whole big container of ice over for later. Just for you, promise.” Finn crossed his arms and pouted. “Aw, don’t be like that. I just want what’s best for you, Finny.”

  Cara looked confused and bent her head towards the door, silently asking me to chat away from little ears. We stepped the four feet and she lowered her voice to say, “Finn’s repeat labs aren’t even back yet. Last the team discussed—which was half an hour ago—the biopsy was on the horizon only as a possibility. He’s written for a regular diet, so there’s no reason he needs to be hungry. And I’m pretty sure Jules mentioned bringing dinner back.”

  “I know you’re only following orders, but Finn hasn’t had the best luck as of late.” I took a deep breath to calm my frazzled nerves and admitted, “I don’t have the best feeling this time. I’m so scared for him, and I don’t want to do anything that could delay him getting the treatment he needs. He means the world to me. I’d feel more comfortable if we hold off on feeding him for now, at least until his dad returns. Let him decide. It would kill me if anything happened on my watch.”

  “No problem. I was going to lock his IV, but I’ll hang another half liter of fluids so he stays hydrated. Let’s keep our fingers crossed these labs come back normal.” Cara squeezed my arm in support. She reminded me a lot of Jules. “Oh, before I forget, you pushed the call bell, did you need anything or were you just wondering if his results were back?”

  “Actually, I wanted to remind you that Finn needs a falling star sign on his door, especially now with his liver not functioning properly. His blood clotting factors may be off, and if he slips, and God forbid, hits his head, I don’t have to tell you, he could have a brain bleed.” Unlikely scenario? Yes. Worth the two-dollar paper star that would alert the staff to Finn’s special fall precaution needs? Absolutely.

  Cara assured me that Jules already flagged his chart, and as soon as the aid returned with a new box of the universal sign, he’d have one up. She seemed on top of it, so I let it go for now.

  I turned and walked back to Finn’s bed and moved my chair closer. Finn was sound asleep, my angel. Trying not to wake him, I gently slipped his lenses off, brushing my hands through his soft blond curls.

  No matter what, I’ll always take care of you. Always.

  The institutional fluorescent lighting made it difficult to see, but I had four years of memorizing the porcelain hues of his skin to know that yellow was not one. He was slightly jaundiced.

  Possible just turned to probable.

  And if my gut was correct, which I knew it would be, a biopsy would be a definite by tomorrow. I could only hope they decided to go through with it tonight. For peace of mind, we needed answers.

  Not feeding him was the right call.

  “Cara! Who’s with him?” The distant frantic shrill of a woman startled me from studying. What in the world? Wait, I knew that voice. I closed my toxicology text and set it on Finn’s side table. Before I could stand, the commotion was coming through the door.

  “Oh my God, Jules. Are you okay? What happened?” I asked in a loud whisper, trying not to wake Finn. She looked distraught. Oh God, I hoped nothing happened to someone in her family. I knew how close she was to her parents and sisters.

  Jules immediately set Max down, squatting to match her height. Max was pale and her eyes looked glazed. Jules cupped her face with shaky hands and said, “I need you to go with Cara, Maxie. Don’t be scared, sweet girl. Daddy and I will come get you in a little bit. Promise. Then we’ll get that yummy pizza, okay?” There was nothing okay about Jules’ tone. She turned to Cara who was standing off to her side, looking as perplexed as I was, and barked, “Take Maxie and find Guy for me. Now.” Cara quickly glanced at me and I shrugged. Max never looked my way.

  A deep uneasiness settled in my stomach.

  Something was definitely very wrong.

  “Jules, you’re scaring me. What’s wrong?” I asked, attempting to ignore the swarm of nerves attacking my insides. Was it Finn? I glanced back at my boy who was still sleeping like a baby. Was his blood work back? Were his enzymes levels worse?

  Jules was breathing so quick and shallow I thought she was on the brink of hyperventilation, but it was her eyes that spoke volumes. For me, someone’s eyes told so much of what they were feeling. Hers were wild and frantic. She stared at me for a moment and then completely out of the blue, yelled, “Get away from him.”

  “What?” I looked around the room, confirming it was really just the two of us. Who on earth was she talking to? I decided I needed to take a different approach. Maybe she was in some sort of traumatic shock. “How about you come and sit down, I can get you some water.”

  “I don’t need water. I need you,” she pointed a finger directly at my face and spat, “to get away from him. I won’t let you hurt him anymore.”

  Oh, this was worse than I thought.

  She’s making no sense.

  Now I was terrified. My heart pounded against my ribs, struggling to keep pace as the air was suctioned from the room.

  Deep breath. Stay calm, Maya.

  Think.

  I’d overheard her talking to Guy’s mom when she was here, so I knew she’d tragically lost her infant daughter. Could this have been some sort of post-traumatic stress manifesting itself now? Maybe Finn’s failing health triggered it? Psych was the nursing class I had the least interest in, but suddenly I wished I had paid more attention.

  “Jules, I can see you’re upset. But you aren’t making any sense. Can you just come a
nd sit down here and tell me what happened? You can talk to me, Jules. I am here to help.”

  She flung her arms in the air and yelled again. “How could you, Maya? He’s a baby, he trusted you … he loves you. You could have killed him!”

  Her thoughts were disjointed. Confusing. Completely irrational. Even though I’d never seen anyone suffer a mental breakdown, I was pretty sure Jules was having one. She lost me, so I had to ask, “Who’s hurt? Who are you talking about?” She looked back over at Finn, and her face contorted with what looked like genuine pain. Finn? “Finn? Oh my God, how could you even think that, Jules? I’m the one who takes care of him. I’d never hurt him. I love him.”

  “What’s going on in here?” Guy’s accusatory voice sent a shiver through my body.

  “Thank God you’re here,” Jules cried, rushing into his arms.

  Yes, thank God Guy was here. I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to handle Jules for much longer by myself. I was definitely not qualified to help her. And to be honest, after this episode, I was positive psychiatry was not my calling.

  While her head was buried against his chest, I mouthed, “I need to talk to you, privately.” It was obvious how taken Guy was with Jules. Witnessing her breakdown was going to kill him. On top of everything, no less. If I could just have a few minutes alone with him, I hoped I could explain the events leading up to this moment, prepare him for how bad it really was.

  Jules pulled back from Guy’s embrace and screamed, “Guy, get her the hell out of here! She’s hurting Finn. It’s been her all along.” She snapped her neck to look at me. “Why, Maya? Why?” The octave at which her voice reached was piercing. Finn jolted awake and started to cry.

  Suddenly, Cara and Dr. Guillroy appeared, and the room felt so much smaller. But at least there were more people here, God forbid her actions turned physical.

  Guy went to Finn’s side and scooped him up, whispering, “Shh, buddy, it’s okay.”

  If it couldn’t be me to console him, I was happy it was Guy. Finn and Guy had such a special bond. I loved that for them.