Remember This Day

by Mairsile Leabhair

  “I don’t remember any bad dreams.” Vicky was at a loss for words because Aidan was right, she didn’t remember having them.

  Aidan grinned and replied, “I rubbed your back until they went away.”

  Vicky pouted, “And I missed your backrubs too? That’s just not fair.”

  Kline looked at them both with a clinical eye. Despite their playfulness, which struck him as being on the surface only, because their body language was saying something different, it seemed to him that they were more preoccupied than usual. They were sitting further apart than he had ever seen them do before, and not touching each other, not holding hands, also something rare for two people in love like he knew they were. It was as if they were afraid of each other in a ‘where do I stand with her’ sort of way. “Do either of you have any concerns that you would like to talk about?” he asked, hoping they would use the opportunity to resolve whatever issue they seem to be facing at that moment.

  “Well doc, I uh…, I do,” Aidan said as her knee began to bounce, an indication to both Vicky and Kline that she was nervous, “I’m afraid” was all she said.

  “Afraid of what, Aidan?” Kline asked.

  Without looking at Vicky, Aidan explained, “A couple of things actually. One is that I’m afraid of my anger. I lost control a few weeks ago and all I could think of was bashing in my father’s skull. I almost killed him. And then last night, Jerry and I got into a fight. Now I’m terrified that I’ll…, that I’ll hurt someone else.”

  Kline knew that Aidan had her father arrested for holding Vicky’s parent’s hostage with the intent of raping Vicky again, but he wasn’t aware of the details of how he was captured. Aidan had a broken hand at the time that she was wearing a thick plaster cast on, and she used that cast as a weapon, hitting Harold’s face repeatedly, even after he had passed out. But fighting with Jerry was not something he would have imagined, though that did explain the black eye Aidan was sporting. Kline speculated that knowing Aidan the way he did, the fight with Jerry most likely was also because of Aidan’s father.

  “Aidan, how did you get that shiner?”

  “Oh, this? Jerry hit me in the face.”

  “Were you two roughhousing?”

  “No, fighting in a back alley behind the pub. We sort of lost our tempers. It was my fault though.”

  “Your fault? What were you two fighting about?” Kline made a few notes as he waited for Aidan to respond. He looked back up, when she didn’t.

  Aidan had no qualms about telling Kline anything, but she was ashamed, which was made worse because Vicky was there.

  But Vicky wasn’t there at the moment. Not mentally anyway. She was watching Aidan through their apartment window, as Aidan stepped out of Jerry’s truck, and walked away from her.

  ~*~

  Her reaction at seeing Aidan leave her again was swift, as her heart fell hard into the churning acids of her stomach, and she thought she might be sick. She slumped down on her couch and gasped for air. A thousand questions shot through her mind, as the tears welled up in her eyes. How could Aidan do that to her again? How could she live through that pain again? How could she live at all without Aidan?

  Vicky jumped up and rushed to the door, hell bent on bringing Aidan back this time, but as she reached for the door, Aidan walked through it. They looked at each other and then Aidan pulled Vicky into her arms. They forgot to breathe as they held each other close. No words were spoken, none needed to be. They both had what they wanted, what they needed, as they absorbed the other’s love, empathy, and strength. She came back to me this time, she came back!

  Vicky placed her small hands on Aidan’s mouth, desperate to kiss her lips, to possess them, to possess that heart pounding in her chest, so much so, that Vicky would have crawled inside her if she could have. Aidan kissed her back with equal passion and possession, but that was as far as she would allow it to go. Instead she asked if they could just sit on the couch and hold each other. She needed to be held, and right then all Vicky needed was to be in Aidan’s arms, in her presence, to know that she was in her heart.

  ~*~

  “Vicky, you’re crying?”

  “What?” Vicky wiped away a tear as she mentally returned to the present.

  Aidan touched her hand softly and asked, “Are you all right, baby?”

  “Yes, I’m sorry. I guess my mind was somewhere else at the moment.”

  Aidan could only imagine what her fiancée must be thinking, and her guilt was augmented because of it.

  Kline looked at the two women with a keen eye for their presence. Though he could see that the love was still there between them, Aidan sat dejectedly in the chair, abandoned by her confidence, while Vicky looked fearful and continued to fight back her tears. Something major had happened, he thought, and he didn’t think it was about Aidan’s anger, he knew it had to be something deeper and more complex.

  “Okay, let’s address the anger issue first,” Kline turned to Vicky and asked, “Have you ever seen Aidan’s anger before, Vicky?”

  “No!” Vicky answered defiantly, forgetting her tears, but then she reconsidered, “Well yes I have, but never towards me. In fact the only one she has ever been that angry with was at her father,” Vicky looked at Aidan and continued, “and to tell you the truth Aidan, I wanted you to hit him as bad as you did. I was that angry too.” Vicky could have made a move to stop Aidan from beating her father to a pulp, but she didn’t, instead she felt like she was the one doing the beating. It felt good to relinquish that anger she had held inside for all those years.

  “Really, Vicky, you felt that way? I didn’t know, I mean, you never said anything,” Aidan was shocked because while she felt of all people Vicky should have been the angriest, she never talked about the rape except that one time during a session with Dr. Kline and Aidan a few months ago. That was the only time she had ever spoken about it out loud, or to anyone for that matter.

  Vicky looked softly at Aidan and replied, “You were doing what I have dreamed of doing for years, Aidan. You helped me let go of some built up anger, and I’m very grateful for that.” Vicky took Aidan’s hand and kissed it tenderly, and Aidan’s emotions instantly welled up, momentarily forgetting her pain.

  Kline added, “I would have been surprised if you weren’t angry Vicky. It’s natural and I’m glad Aidan was able to help you have some closure in that regards, but I would also suggest that you continue to talk about it because there could be other things bottled up that you’re not aware of.” Kline looked from Vicky to Aidan, “And I too have seen the anger in Aidan, and I agree that it was because of her father. Aidan, you only become that angry when your love ones are threatened, and that is perfectly normal. You both have shown amazing restraint when faced with difficult, frustrating, life threatening situations, so in my professional opinion Aidan, you have absolutely nothing to be afraid of. Your anger served you well in that it saved Vicky from another attack.”

  Aidan and Vicky held hands and came to an understanding that bonded them in a way they could not have experienced before. Aidan’s emotions went from fear to pride almost instantly. She wasn’t proud of her anger, but she was proud that she could help Vicky come to terms with just a tiny piece of what she must have suffered at the hands of her father, Harold Cassidy.

  And Vicky was relieved to be able to admit to her anger, and grateful that Aidan understood her need to express that anger through her. But after the initial recognition, the wall went up between them again.

  “Richard, there’s something else.” Vicky wanted to bring out into the light, the darkness they both were feeling after last night’s disastrous lovemaking, and she knew that Dr. Kline could analyze it objectively in his own positive way, and hopefully convince Aidan that it was not her fault. “Last night when we were um…, were making love, we were um, trying something new, and I sort of panicked, and said some things that I shouldn’t have.”

  “You had every right to say them, Vicky, it was my fault, and I shouldn’
t have done that.” Aidan interjected, once again losing her confidence.

  “No it wasn’t your fault. I told you, it was my fault.” Vicky turned to Kline and continued, “I tried several times to convince her that she was not at fault, but all that did was coerced Aidan to try and convince me of the same thing. We are at a frustrating impasse, Richard, one that I’m hoping you can help with. It hurt Aidan so badly, that she almost called the wedding off, and that scares me beyond anything that Harold could have done to me.”

  “Oh, baby, I’m so sorry.”

  “Stop it, Aidan. You have to stop blaming yourself for everything, damn it.” When it came to Aidan and her father, Aidan would always identify it as her fault. This was something she had always done, even as a child, but Vicky knew it was never her fault; it was just the way she was brought up. “That’s not what I want or need, especially right now. Where’s the strong young girl who scared the bully away for me? Where’s the strong young woman who kicked ass in Iraq? Who rescued Samantha in Syria? That’s who I fell in love with.”

  “Kicked ass in Iraq?” Aidan chuckled, “All right baby, I hear what you’re saying, and I’ll try to be that person again.”

  Kline thought, this is exactly what they need to do. “I want to see more of that from you, Vicky. You too, Aidan.”

  “More of what, Richard?”

  “I want you both to tell each other what you need, regardless of how hard it might be. I know you know this already, but it bears repeating that communication with each other is the only way to know what the other’s needs are. Are you both willing to do that?”

  “Absolutely, Doc.”

  “I agree, Richard.”

  “Good. Now, I think I understand what this is about.” Kline looked at Aidan first, “Aidan, you have a unique gift in that you can deal with a problem and then lock it away, almost as if you forget about it. I think that’s part of why it took you over a year to get your memories back when you were wounded in Iraq. And Vicky,” he looked at her next, “is much the same in regards to being raped because she thought Harold was dead, so she could lock away the trauma he had caused her. Now, the reason this is important to know, is that you both are so desperate to put it behind you that you are inadvertently bringing it forward.”

  “Doc, no offense, but I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.” Aidan didn’t have much patience for double speak.

  *

  Samantha placed her baby boy, Cassidy, back in the NICU bassinet and kissed him on his forehead. She smiled when he blew bubbles and puckered his chubby cheeks at her. “I love you my sweet baby boy.” She cooed at her baby and then tucked his tiny blanket up around his chin.

  She made her way off of the Labor and Delivery floor, and down to the cappuccino bar in the front lobby on the first floor of St. Frances Hospital. All she wanted was some coffee and someplace secluded to drink it in. Samantha had spent a year in Syria as a captive, and only saw a few men at any given time. She wasn’t use to all the people around her now, wasn’t comfortable with the noise, and the different conversations bombarding her space, so she fought hard to block them out. But standing there in line, with two people ahead of her, she couldn’t help but overhear their conversation.

  “Is it true? Is there really going to be a lesbian wedding right here at the hospital tomorrow?” Terri, a middle age woman, with dark chocolate skin and large dark eyes, asked the person behind her, waiting in line for coffee. Terri had just recently been hired to fill the vacant office of the Director of Finance. A position once held by Julie Waters, the young woman Vicky was grooming for promotion inside the organization, until she was killed in that same lobby when she unknowingly walked up on one of the terrorist in the attack a few months ago.

  “Yes, our CEO is getting married, isn’t it wonderful?” Yvonne exclaimed.

  Yvonne Rogers, for all intense and purposes, was the second highest ranking employee at St. Frances, even though her title was executive assistant. Being the CEO’s assistant carries a lot of responsibility and a great amount of autonomy. It also carries respect, not only for her, but for her boss as well.

  “No, same sex marriage isn’t even legal in Arkansas, and even if it were, that’s just wrong.”

  “Look, you’re new here,” Yvonne said, biting back her indignation, “So I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. Victoria Montgomery has every right to marry the woman she loves, and she doesn’t need your holier than thou permission, or anyone else’s for that matter.”

  “So you’re one of them too?”

  “You don’t know who I am, do you?” Yvonne asked, on the verge of losing her temper.

  Luckily for Terri, Samantha intercepted the conversation, “Did you know that it was just a little over 150 years ago that black people were unshackled?”

  “What has that to do with anything?” Terri was confused by Samantha’s question and not sure whether to be indignant or accepting.

  “A war was fought over that emancipation because there were people who thought it was wrong that their slaves be set free. They were property, to be bought and sold and whipped and chained.”

  Terri rubbed her arm as if a sudden chill ran across it. “Who are you to be telling me the history of my ancestors?”

  Samantha ignored her question and continued, “They were persecuted because of the color of their skin, just as you are persecuting Victoria now, because of her sexual orientation.”

  “I’m not persecuting her; I’m just saying that‒‒”

  Samantha cut her off, “If your ancestors had denied their own worth, you would be a slave today. If they had not fought for the right to be equal, you would not have the job that you have now, or make the kind of money that you’re making now.”

  “Maybe so, but they didn’t get there by sleeping with the same sex.”

  “My point is,” Control your temper, Samantha Jane, control your temper, “that they were perceived as different, ignorant, unwashed and unworthy, just as homosexuals are perceived today. Victoria is not the CEO of this health system because she was seen as not right. Unlike some of us who cower in the closet for fear of ignorant people like you, she told the world she was gay and dared them to deny her. No one has.”

  Yvonne marveled at Samantha’s restraint, knowing what little she did of the woman’s background.

  Samantha Jane Vincent, Staff Sergeant in the US Army, stationed in Iraq, had been held captive for a year in Syria, when the convoy she was driving in, was attack by insurgents. It was the same convoy that Aidan had hitched a ride on to her next post. At that time, Aidan and Samantha were engaged to be married so any chance they had to be together, they took it. But Aidan lost her memory in that attack when a grenade exploded close enough to throw her off her feet, and Samantha was captured and then sold as a slave. When Aidan’s memories came back, just a few months ago, so did her childhood love for Vicky. She had no choice but to break it off from Samantha, though she promised herself that she would help her in any way possible. Now Samantha’s relationship with Aidan is no more than a strained friendship, held together by a tattered string of hope.

  Terri said nothing else as she stepped up to the counter and ordered her coffee, and she didn’t make eye contact either, as she left the lobby.

  “She’s not going to be happy here.” Yvonne said.

  “No she’s not, but that’s her choice. I’m just glad I didn’t go off on her ass, out here in front of everyone. I tend to do that with people who say stupid things.”

  Yvonne laughed and said, “Remind me not to get on your bad side.”

  The two women introduced themselves and Samantha asked about the wedding. She had to choke back her indignation at Yvonne’s obvious glee. It was one of those instant reactions to something that she was trying to gain control of, but wasn’t quite there yet. After all, Aidan had asked her to be her wife first. Samantha closed her eyes and mentally told herself that she needed to let Aidan go. But saying it and feeling it in her heart were
two different things and both very hard to do. Concentrate on your baby boy, just concentrate on him.

  “Are you all right, Samantha?”

  Samantha snapped her eyes open again, and answered, “Yes, I’m fine. I think I’ll um, go back and check on my baby.”

  Yvonne watched her go, feeling sympathy for the woman. She couldn’t imagine how hard it must have been for her, and yet just now, Samantha was poised and articulate as if she’d never seen the horrors of war. What must she really be thinking, Yvonne wondered.

  *

  “Ladies, if it is what I think you’re talking about, than neither of you are at fault. Aidan, you did something that triggered a flashback from Vicky. Something like taking away her control, am I right?” Aidan nodded her head, “But how could you have known, Aidan? And Vicky, you panicked because you were suddenly thirteen again and Harold was attacking you, correct?” Vicky nodded her head, surreptitiously looking at Aidan. “Vicky, you cannot predict or control flashbacks caused by severe trauma, also known as post-traumatic stress disorder, without knowing what it is first, and even then sometimes they are still uncontrollable.”

  “PTSD, Doc? You mean like a soldier who’s seen too much war?” Aidan understood that very well, having seen several friends suffer from it when she served in Iraq.

  “Exactly, Aidan. Vicky has suppressed this deep inside of her for years now, so it’s not surprising that facing her rapist recently, brought her PTSD to the surface. Any little thing can trigger an episode, a sound, a smell, and if a person doesn’t see it for what it is, they can end up actually reliving the event, or as in Vicky’s case, the rape.”

  Aidan voiced the first concern that popped into her head, “Doc, why wasn’t I more sensitive to what Vicky was feeling?”

  “Well, um, to put it bluntly, you were both probably in the throes of passion, your mind consumed with only one thing, and up until the PTSD surfaced, I imagine you were both enjoying it a great deal.”