Happy Pants Cafe

by Mimi Jean Pamfiloff

  “Where did everyone go?” Harper asked, her head whipping from side to side.

  Austin shrugged, but as if they’d both realized the answer at the same time, their eyes drifted toward the flowery arched entrance to the Happy Pants Café. They walked double-time toward the arch across the street, but when they got there, a chain with a sign reading Private Event—Invited Guests Only blocked the path.

  “Well, that sure as hell won’t stop me,” Harper said, stepping forward, only to be jerked back by Austin.

  “Wait. If Luci is having a private get-together and you’re not invited, don’t you think she’d get a little upset if you crash?”

  Dammit. “Good point, but I’m just going to peek inside and see if that’s where everyone is.” She attempted to step over the chain, but was once again jerked back by Austin.

  “Harper, stay put.”

  Harper felt her blood boil. She didn’t like being grabbed. In fact—Shit! Another pea? This was starting to freak her out. How many pieces of her life had been influenced by that one event?

  She began to shake. Terrified, she looked at his hand gripping her shoulder. “Take your hand off me, Austin. Right now.”

  Austin pulled Harper toward him and kissed her.

  ~~

  “All right, everyone!” Ms. Luci clapped to get the crowd’s attention. “Welcome! Welcome!” The group of one hundred or so guests who’d come from every corner of the globe were gathered on the patio of the café. This was always her favorite time of year, when she got to see last year’s customers return for the big gathering. Now, not everyone who found true love returned, nor did she know what became of each and every person who bought a cookie, but so many wonderful, happily-in-love couples did contact her after every season. They sent letters, pictures, and offered their help.

  After forty years, the Happy Pants Café had a following reaching in the tens of thousands. And each year, they celebrated by doing two particular things: holding the gathering for all of the new couples, and selecting one person, nominated by a Happy Pants “alumni,” to receive Ms. Luci’s special help. The criteria for this person was that they had to be completely hopeless, but worthy of love.

  Once the selection of the neediest person was made, Luci’s process was then quite simple: she would find an excuse, usually through the nominating family member or friend, to get to know the person. She would create a very detailed profile and then use her network to find Mr. Right. Now, if Mr. Right already happened to be in the woman’s life, then it was usually a question of simply removing a few barriers. And by barriers, she meant themselves. In all honesty, Luci believed, just as her mother had, that the heart already knew what needed to be done. If a couple were meant to be, it was generally the mind getting in the way. Fear, lack of belief that they were meant to be passionately loved, or, in some cases, unhealthy obsessions with work.

  Harper had been selected because she scored a ten in all three categories and seemed to be at a point in her life where she was ready for change—ready for love.

  That said, nothing had gone according to plan. There had been no man in her life for years, and when her sister, Jessa, provided Harper’s history to Luci, it didn’t seem that there ever would be. It had taken Ms. Luci six months to find three potential matches for the stubborn woman, who was clearly petrified of love, but a week before the casual, seemingly random introductions were to occur, the girl showed up on her own, as did her Mr. Right.

  Love works in mysterious ways. Of that Luci had no doubt. She also had no doubt in her mind that Austin was perfect for Harper, but she could clearly see why Jessa had reached out for help. In the area of the heart and all matters pertaining to love, Harper was a train wreck. It was as if some traumatic event had prevented her heart from growing up. This situation would call for some very drastic measures.

  Ms. Luci cleared her throat. Her family, as always, stood next to her. “Everyone, first, I want to say thank you for coming all the way to St. Helena to participate in the annual gathering. I hear we will have a record number of couples coming on Saturday. So let’s be sure to give them the best wedding ever!” The crowd clapped.

  “Now. As for this year’s ‘special project,’ I’d like to introduce you to Harper Branton.” Alberto began passing out a flyer with Harper’s and Austin’s profiles. “The good news is that I believe she’s already found her special someone. The bad news is he’s almost as romantically dysfunctional as she is. So given what I know about these two, as drastic as it sounds, I think our only course of action is to try to break these two up. We must sabotage their relationship—a task I’ve already begun.”

  The crowd rumbled with confusion.

  A woman in a light blue sundress and hat raised her hand.

  “Jemma! I see you have a question.” Ms. Luci pointed to her.

  “You want us all to try to keep them apart?”

  Luci nodded. “This is correct. On their own, they have enough motivation to take small steps, but I fear their issues will impede a lasting relationship. They are two of the most stubborn, competitive individuals I’ve ever met. This is why I believe they must be forced to fight for each other. We must make them see that there is nothing more important than this. Any questions?” Luci asked.

  There were no replies.

  “Great, then. You all have your instructions on the handout. I look forward to seeing you at the farm tomorrow bright and early for the wine bus.” That was the other fun thing about this time of year. Luci had daily events and outings planned throughout the week. As Saturday got closer, the crowd would get larger. But this was like her extended family. These happy people reminded her that her Jeffrey’s death really meant something. This was his legacy. And hers.

  As the crowd dispersed, Luci dug her cell from the pocket of her apron and dialed.

  It rang several times.

  “Luci! Is that you, old girl?” said Dan.

  She growled. “Old girl? I am not a cow.”

  “Sorry. No, you’re not. I just got excited to see your name come up on the caller ID. So, how is our little project going?”

  “Ah. I’ll get to that in a moment. But first, tell me: how is Shirley?” She’d forgotten to ask when they’d spoken last week. Shirley was his new wife, but they’d met three years ago.

  “She is wonderful. The light of my life. I’m still amazed she married me. Did you know I used to be such an asshole?”

  “Yes. I heard that,” Luci replied.

  “Well, not anymore. Although, I still have to pretend to be one at work. Appearances are important.”

  “This is exactly why I am calling. You need to play a little harder. I need you to fire her.”

  “Fire her?” he questioned. “She’s one of our most promising reporters.”

  “Well, then hire her back later. But for now I need you to fire her.”

  “Uh…okay. If you say so.”

  “Thank you, Dan. I promise you’re doing the right thing.”

  “Who am I to argue, Luci? You saved my life. I trust you.”

  “Great. And one more thing?”

  “Yes,” he said, sounding afraid.

  “Make it look like it’s Austin’s fault.”

  ~~

  Austin wasn’t sure why he’d grabbed Harper and kissed her, but the moment he’d done it, he felt as though all of the organs inside his body were shifting around. It was a sensation like none other—passion, euphoria, excitement, fear. They blended together into this strange concoction that made him want to never let Harper go. Her lips were soft, her body felt so right against him, and her little groans filled his ears, fueling his need for her.

  He moved Harper against the wall of the building, only a foot away, so he could press his entire body against her, feel her, keep her from running away. He wanted her. But not like a man wanted to scratch himself when he woke up, but in a way that was completely wrong. He wanted to possess her and make her stop playing games. He wanted her like a caveman wanted me
at or to club something over the head, drag it off into his cave, and claim it as his own. And he wasn’t going to let her push him away this time. He was putting down his foot. They wanted each other. Period. End of story.

  He shoved one hand into her silky hair and cupped her soft cheek with the other. Her full breasts pushed into his chest, and his cock filled with tension, urging him to rock himself into her.

  On her side, there was no apprehension or reservation; she latched onto him as if she knew what she wanted, too, and wasn’t afraid to take it. Their tongues slid and sucked and lapped while their lips pushed and kneaded. When he’d kissed her earlier, it had been the kind of kiss a man never forgets. And when he’d kissed her the other night, it was great. Better than great. But they’d been pretty damned drunk. Perhaps too drunk to notice how good they felt together. In fact, if he didn’t have her right now, he might lose his fucking mind.

  He broke the kiss and whispered into her ear, “I want you, Harper. Now.”

  She looked up at him with those big green eyes and nodded. “Yes. Yes.”

  He reached for her hand to pull her with him toward the B and B, which was only a few blocks away. But when he turned, a giant crowd of people stood there, gawking.

  Austin’s mind sputtered as they all began clapping and howling.

  “Oh crap,” Harper whispered from behind him. Just then a man in the crowd snapped off a photo of the two of them.

  “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Austin growled.

  The man’s eyes lit up, and he ran for it, disappearing down the street.

  “You pervert!” Harper screamed. “Haven’t you ever seen two grown people make out on a sidewalk? In broad daylight?” Harper’s eyes wandered over to a woman with two little girls in tow. “In front of innocent children?” Harper mouthed, “I am so sorry,” to the woman, and then her gaze drifted to Austin’s groin. She gasped, and both eyes widened as if she was trying to tell him to look down.

  He did.

  “Oh shit.” He gave his back to the crowd. Sonofabitch. He was pitching the world’s biggest tent. Circus sized. You could fit a goddamned lion inside.

  “Shoo! Shoo!” Harper said to the crowd. “Show’s over, you peeping—Juan!”

  “I think it’s Tom.” Austin looked over his shoulder at Harper. Next to her stood Juan. “Oh, hey, Juan. How are you?” Austin asked, trying and failing at playing it cool.

  Juan smiled at him. “I am doing fantastic—nice show, by the way. I came by to run some errands for Luci. One of which requires Harper’s help. Looks like you saved me the hassle of tracking her down.”

  “You need my help?” Harper asked.

  Juan smiled at Harper as if he wanted to eat her up. Asshole.

  “Yes. It’s very important. But I understand if you have,” he glanced at Austin, “other more urgent plans.”

  “Uh…” Harper glanced at Austin as if apologizing.

  Seriously, she wants to leave? Now?

  Damned Harper. So typical.

  Austin nodded at her. “Go ahead.”

  “Are you sure? Because I could meet up with Juan after we…” She hesitated.

  Was the woman insinuating that she wanted to “be” with him and then would run off with Juan afterwards to do some errands? Did she not understand what was happening between them or what sleeping together would mean to him?

  You heard the woman, she doesn’t believe in romance or love or…Why the fucking hell do I keep sounding like a whiny chick!

  “No. It’s fine. I’ll just go and…” He was about to say that he’d stay put and see who came out of the private event at the café, but the sign was down. “Did you just come from that party?” Austin asked Juan.

  “Party? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “There was a sign up a few minutes ago that said there was a private event,” Harper said.

  “Oh. That. It was safety awareness training for the employees. Luci puts up the sign to keep the customers out.”

  “Oh.” Harper looked at Austin as if she was thinking the same thing as him: where had all of those celebs gone, then? It was fishy, to say the least.

  In any case, he wasn’t going to get any answers strolling down the street with his giant erection. He just wished Harper wouldn’t leave. He wished she would choose him over whatever work-related scheme was going on inside her head.

  Oh great. Even worse. Now you sound like goddamned Libby. “Why don’t you want meeeee?”

  He felt his dick deflate like a balloon with a nickel-sized hole. Oh, hey. That trick will come in handy.

  “See you later.” Austin jerked his head at the two and headed for his car.

  ~~

  When Juan and Harper pulled up to the farmhouse six hours later, she was absolutely certain that something fishy was going on. The “urgent errand” Juan had said she needed to do with him had consisted of buying party supplies at Costco, about an hour away, and stopping at the caterer’s to confirm the menu for Saturday’s party. (Seriously? A thousand people were coming?) And going by the police station to give Alberto some forms he needed for permits to have armed security present at the event. Of course, when Harper asked what sort of event required armed bodyguards, Juan and Alberto simply told her that one never knew when a gang might show up and cause trouble.

  “Yes. Because St. Helena is definitely known for its gang violence. They just roll in with their limos and start tasting wine, mixing reds and whites. It’s crazy,” she’d said facetiously.

  They’d both looked at her as if she was mad. Why didn’t anyone ever get her humor? Well, Austin did.

  And he almost got the rest of you, too.

  What the hell had that been, anyway? He’d just grabbed and mauled her with his mouth as if making a statement: he wasn’t going to put up with her garbage. He wasn’t going to allow her to push him away like she’d done back at the vineyard. And you goddamned like it! Really, really liked it. She might’ve even let him go to second base right there on the sidewalk if he hadn’t stopped. That’s how entranced she’d felt being in his arms and pressed up against his body. It was like nothing she’d ever experienced in her entire life. Getting lost in another person. Letting go of her control. She’d felt as though her insides had liquefied, and she’d no longer cared about anything but his touch. She’d wanted him so badly, but it wasn’t just sex…it felt like…like…she didn’t know. She just knew that gravity had nothing on Austin. Nothing. Because gravity wasn’t sexy and didn’t make her woman parts tingle with sinful need. Gravity didn’t make her want to commit illicit acts in public. Gravity didn’t make her heart ache with joy and hope. Gravity couldn’t make a person see a future full of happiness and passion. Gravity, move over! There’s a new cosmic force in town.

  But then, like a sign from the universe, all of those people came out of nowhere, completely jolting her from the moment. That’s when the panic set in again. It was just like earlier that day at the vineyard when she’d felt like her body was being taken over by some force of nature completely foreign to her.

  Then Juan had told her he needed her—the perfect excuse to retreat once again so she could digest everything—and the rest was history. Austin hadn’t even put up a fight. Of course, he had seemed a bit terrified because he was displaying his “feelings” in public. But still, it was clear she was rowing the “freak out” love-canoe all by herself. Not that she was in love. Because “true” love didn’t exist, and canoes made from love were just as fictional.

  Juan shut off the engine, and the interior lights of the truck flipped on. He glanced at her with his big brown eyes. “Thank you for all your help today. I don’t think I could’ve managed without you.”

  “It was nothing, really.”

  Juan leaned over and grabbed Harper for a kiss.

  She pulled away abruptly. “What was that?”

  “A kiss. I see the way you look at me, and I like it.”

  Harper scrambled from the truck, l
ivid.

  “I don’t mind if you see other men,” he called out. “I just want to have sex with you. I don’t do relationships, anyway.”

  Ick. “I think you’ve got the wrong impression.”

  He looked at her over the hood of the truck. “Reading women is my specialty. Don’t be ashamed because you want my flesh. Many women do. It is only natural to have animalistic feelings and needs when you see a body like this one.”

  She wanted to scratch his eyes out. Was that animalistic enough? “Uh. Yeah. No.”

  “You want me; don’t be embarrassed.”

  The only thing she wanted was to see Austin and talk about what had happened. “I’ll see you later, Juan. Have a good night.”

  She marched toward the house in search of Austin, but when she entered, she found the family gathered around the dining room table, engaged in a heated debate. Austin was nowhere to be found.

  “Hi there.” The room of Parker-Leons instantly silenced and then stared at her blankly. Strange. “Good evening. Sorry to interrupt, but has anyone seen Austin? I really need to talk to him.”

  Ms. Luci rose from the table, flashing angry glances at everyone. “He is out back, dear. Speaking with his fiancée.”

  Harper’s heart tripped and stumbled. “Sorry?”

  Ms. Luci looked down at her hands remorsefully. “He is on the back porch with Libby. His fiancée.”

  “But they broke up, didn’t they?”

  “Apparently not, my dear.”

  Harper felt her face turn WTF-red. Austin had lied to her? She stormed off toward the back porch through the kitchen. When she opened the back door, she saw all she needed: Austin kissing some redheaded woman with long hair. “Nice, Austin. Real nice.”

  She heard Austin say her name as he chased after her, but she was in her car before he could catch up. She didn’t stop until she arrived at her apartment in San Francisco.

  See, Harp. Love is a sham. Whatever you felt for Austin was just some hormonal response. True love doesn’t exist.