by Kendall Ryan
I head out into the living room and sink down onto the couch. I lay my head on the armrest of the sofa, and as the minutes tick past, I realize that I want to be in her life. For real. Without any of the Dominant, macho bullshit to protect my heart. I just want her. I always have.
She’s the one girl I never forgot. And trust me, I tried. For years I tried to wipe my brain clean of the memories of her sweet and loving nature, her kindness, her spark. I sought out new companions to replace those memories with dirty ones. Apparently it didn’t work, because I still want her every bit as much as I did before. Maybe even more.
But she thinks I’m a complete prick, so what am I supposed to do?
• • •
While Macey slept, I attempted to make the banana pancakes she once made for me, but it ended with a mixing bowl of batter and a few burnt pancakes dumped down the trash before she woke. I don’t know how to cook, and apparently it’s harder than they make it look on TV. By the time I hear her stirring, I have takeout waiting for us on the counter, and I’m hoping it’s the thought that counts.
Tentative footsteps cross the wooden floor as Macey enters the kitchen. “That smells good.” Her eyes wander over the white pizza box on the counter. It seems she wants to look anywhere but directly at me.
Fuck, I wonder if this will get easier over time.
I shift a step toward her. “I hope you still like ham and pineapple.”
She nods. She’s got sleep lines across one cheek, and her long hair is tied up in a messy bun, but she looks gorgeous. Natural.
“And there’s salad too.” I grab the plastic bag on the counter and remove two side salads and a variety of dressing containers. I wasn’t sure which she liked.
“I hate salad.” She smiles wryly.
The mood lightens immediately, and my posture relaxes. “I do too.” I set the containers of salad aside and grab two plates while she opens the pizza box and places a slice on each of our plates.
We eat sitting together in the living room while her TV plays some daytime game show that neither of us is familiar with. We make small talk about the contestants, but otherwise eat mostly in silence. Things between us are still strained, but this isn’t the time to discuss that. Her thoughts are on Nana, as they should be.
After our meal, I drive her back to the hospital. Hale and Brielle are just leaving her room, and there are tears glistening in Brielle’s eyes.
I take Macey’s hand and hold it tenderly, as if that will shield her from whatever bad news we’re about to hear. “What’s going on?” I ask when we get closer.
They share a happy look. “She’s awake. And talking. They think the damage from the stroke is minimal.”
Macey practically sags with relief against me. “Thank God. Can I see her?”
Hale nods. “Yes. For a few minutes. She still needs her rest.”
Assuming it’s family only, I’m about to let Macey’s hand go when she tugs me along with her toward Nana’s room. It signals to me that I still mean something to her, that maybe she still needs me in her life. Or maybe she’s just afraid to go in alone.
I haven’t seen Nana in a long time, since last Christmas, I think, when she gave me the most hideous orange-colored hand-knit sweater. But as soon as my eyes land on her, my knees weaken. Her normally mocha-colored skin is ashen and pale, and a variety of tubes and wires connect her to a multitude of machines. The soft hum of the devices and the beeping in the background do not create a soothing environment. My grip tightens on Macey’s hand.
“Nana . . . ,” she says softly, and her voice breaks.
“Come here, child,” Nana whispers weakly.
Macey’s death grip on my hand means that I’m tugged along with her to the side of Nana’s hospital bed.
Macey and Nana hold hands, and we stand there in silence as the two woman just study each other, both with tears in their eyes. It’s a heavy moment, and I have no fucking idea what I’m supposed to say. Nothing seems right, so I stay quiet.
“You scared me,” Macey says, her voice shaky as a tear slips from her eye.
Nana frowns. “I’m not going anywhere. These doctors are just worrywarts.”
Macey smiles and leans down to kiss Nana’s forehead. “You better not go anywhere.”
Nana’s eyes land on me next, and I stiffen. I feel as though she can see straight through me, like she can read all of my intentions. A pang of fear flashes through me, and I want to hide the depraved man I’ve become from her all-knowing eyes.
Then a slow smile lifts her mouth. “I always knew you two would end up together.”
Macey opens her mouth to correct her, but I give her hand a firm squeeze.
“I’ll always be here for Macey,” I say forcefully, filling my words with resolve.
Macey glances up at me curiously. Tears are still glistening in her eyes, and I don’t know if the emotion is for me or for her nana.
The last time we were together we fought at Hale’s engagement party, and she looked sickened by my strange kink. I used her body in thoughtless ways, and left her afterwards naked and alone. I’m not proud of myself, and even though I know I can’t fix the past with one declaration, I hope it’s a start.
I lace my fingers with hers, unwilling to let her go.
Chapter Twelve
Macey
It was sweet what Reece did for me—coming to the hospital, sitting with me, listening to my nonsense, comforting me with his presence insisting that I go home and rest, and then accompanying me into Nana’s room. He was there for me when I needed it, but I can’t mistake that one act of kindness for something it’s not. I gave him a chance, and he showed me who he really is now. I hate that he’s this damaged man now, incapable of a real, loving relationship with a woman. Both Chrissy and Brielle tried to warn me. But the stubborn side of me, all gusto and bravado, wanted some kinky fun. Too bad that didn’t work out.
Still, I have a lot to look forward to. There are a lot of good things happening, like the job at the news station I started yesterday with a boss who seems like she’ll be a great mentor, and Nana is recovering better than the doctor’s expected. Still, I can’t seem to shake the black cloud following me around.
I grab my purse and keys, and head for the door. I’m meeting Brielle for a celebratory drink tonight. She said she wanted to congratulate me on my new job. If it meant free margaritas, I don’t need a formal invitation. Besides, maybe some alcohol will numb the pain I feel whenever I think about Reece.
When I arrive at the little Mexican restaurant, Brielle is already seated at a high-top table in the bar area, so I make my way over to her. The server approaches just as I do.
“Two peach margaritas, ladies?” he asks.
“It’s like they really get me here.” I smile and nod at him.
Brielle giggles and tells him, “Yes, plus an order of chips and salsa, please.”
He scurries away, and I take my seat across from her. It feels good being here in her presence, and I’m happy that we’re starting to build what I know will be a real friendship.
“How was day two at the new job?” she asks.
“It was great. I think I’m really going to like it there. Good boss. Good assignments so far.”
She frowns. “Then why do you look so defeated?”
“No, we’re not talking about that tonight. We’re going to have fun. We’re going to discuss you and my brother, and wedding plans and babies.”
She smiles at me and pats my hand. “We’re not getting married until next summer. We want it to be a small affair, so we have plenty of time for wedding planning, and babies are still a ways off. Listen, I know something happened between you and Reece, and I’m here if you want to talk.”
“Thanks. I appreciate that. I’m not sure if I’m ready to go there yet. I still have some healing to do.”
The server delivers two margaritas and a basket of chips with salsa, and I waste no time pulling my glass toward me. Swirling my straw in the icy
concoction, I can’t stop my thoughts from wandering to Reece—his strong, muscular frame, that sleeve of sexy tattoos, and the pain I saw buried in his gaze whenever he met my eyes.
It’s like he was trying to hold himself back from me, like he purposefully distanced himself from feeling anything for me. Why would he do it? It’s not like he’s in love with me all these years later.
Unless . . . he still feels something for me, just as I do for him.
No. That’s crazy. It’s just wishful thinking on my part, the romantic side to me that wanted to believe the cheating ass Tony was boyfriend material. Just because I want it to be real doesn’t mean it is.
Shaking myself free of my thoughts, I say, “I just don’t understand it. I thought things between us were going to be light, casual, and fun, only that’s not how it turned out at all.”
“I know, sweetie. Reece is a complicated man. He and Hale have been fighting, and I hate it.”
Something about that strikes me as odd. “They shouldn’t still be fighting. I thought Hale would be happy that Reece and I are done. I’m sure Hale will get over it, if he isn’t already.”
She chews on the end of her straw. “I don’t think so. Reece called last night, and he’s coming over to talk to Hale tonight.”
“About what?”
“You.”
This makes no sense. Reece and I are done. “What’s there to talk about?”
She shrugs. “Why don’t you come over and find out?”
“I couldn’t do that. Could I?”
Brielle smiles wryly. “Listen, you know both of these men claim they like submissive women, but I know what they really like is a woman with some spunk. Some fire, some gusto. It makes them feel like a big, bad alpha when they take charge in the bedroom. There’s no reason why you shouldn’t come over tonight and face him. You don’t have to cower away, or fade into the background.”
“I’m going to need a couple more of these then.” I sip my margarita while Brielle gestures for another round to our server.
Chapter Thirteen
Reece
I woke up the last three mornings with my hand under the sheets, stroking my cock while I dreamed of being buried inside Macey. Maybe I just needed to do it—get her alone, and get her out of my system once and for all. That would fix this shit. Then again, maybe I’m just lying to myself.
“Reece?” Oliver pokes his head inside my office, pulling me from my thoughts.
“Yeah?” I glance up from my desk and my neck cracks. I haven’t spoken to him in days, not since that showdown at the engagement party where he called me out.
“There are two new submissives here—smokin’ hot too—who are asking to see Reece Jackson. You want me to call upstairs and have your private room prepared for a ménage scene?”
Normally the idea of two beautiful woman willing to submit to me would make my dick hard, but right now? I might as well be dead for all the interest I have. “No. I’m busy.”
Oliver’s eyes widen. “Too busy for pussy? That’s a first.” He chuckles.
“When I finish up my work here, I’m headed to Hale’s. I need to clear the air between us once and for all. We need to talk this shit out, or do whatever it is guys do when they’ve been fighting.”
“And what about Macey?” Oliver puts on a fake smile and crosses his arms over his chest.
Tired of him harassing me about this, I massage my temples. “What about her?”
“You’re not seriously still going to try and pretend you’re not in love with her, are you?”
That stabbing pain flickers inside my chest. “Get to the goddamn point,” I bark.
“You need to tell Hale how you feel about her.”
“Go take care of our guests, Oliver.” I glance back at my laptop and continue my work, ignoring him until I see him leave from the corner of my eye. Nosy bastard. If only he wasn’t right.
• • •
“Where’s Brielle tonight?” I ask Hale, admiring the view from their new thirtieth-floor condo in the heart of downtown. City lights twinkle below, and the dark waters of Lake Michigan glimmer in the distance. There are touches of both him and her throughout the tastefully decorated space.
“She’s actually out with my sister. Girl time, or something.”
“Hmph.”
“Something on your mind, man?” Hale comes to stand beside me at the floor-to-ceiling windows in the living room, and hands me a drink.
I take a large gulp, the liquor burning my throat as I swallow it for courage before meeting his eyes. “I wanted to come here tonight to clear the air between us. I know you didn’t want me messing around with Macey, but I came to you first, if you recall. And that was pretty fucked up not inviting me to your engagement party.”
Hale lets out a heavy sigh. “I know, and I feel like shit about that, actually. Your gift was very generous. Thank you again.”
“This isn’t about the gift. I need to know that we’re good.”
“Come sit down.” Hale heads to the leather sofa, and I sit down in a chair across from him. Once we’re settled, he lets out a long sigh. “Macey’s the only family I have. When my parents died, it changed me, made me grow up in a lot of ways I wasn’t ready for. And even if I wasn’t old enough to become Macey’s legal guardian, in my mind, I was. She was my responsibly. Her education, her well-being, who she hung out with—all of it became my job to know. Back then she actually spent most of her time with either me or you, and I never worried about her. I knew you would look out for her as if she was your own sister.”
I inwardly cringe. I never saw Macey as anything close to a sister. No, my intentions were much more sinful than that. Feeling worse than ever, I focus on Hale’s words once again.
“But that was then, and you were different then. And it’s not just because of your interest in BDSM these last few years; you were different as a person. You laughed more, you smiled, you took more chances. You had more fun. These days you’re all brooding and hot-tempered, and not looking for anything more than a weekend plaything to take into your private room at the club and do God knows what with them, if the rumors are true. I want more for my sister. I hope you understand.”
“Of course I understand. I know you want what’s best for Macey. I get that.” But so do I.
He smiles at me sadly. “You’ve changed. You’ve become this lost, broken man.”
“First Oliver, and now you,” I mutter, getting really fucking tired of people looking at me like a lost puppy who needs saving.
“Oliver?” Hale’s eyebrows lift.
“Nothing. He called me out for something similar.”
Even though I’m trying to downplay it with Hale, Oliver’s words are still ringing in my head. You’re in love with her. That twisting feeling in my chest is back. I might need to get that checked out.
Or maybe I just need to face reality. Macey could forever be the one who got away, unless I could do something about it. Tonight.
Hale’s watching me with a serious, solemn expression. “I guess what I’m saying is that I want the very best for my sister. Nothing against you, because you’re my best friend, but I don’t think you can offer her everything she deserves.”
His accusations sting, and I can’t resist biting back. “Have you asked Macey what she wants? What she thinks she deserves? Don’t you want your sister to be happy? Have you asked her why she came to Crave?”
He tilts his head toward me and narrows his eyes. We square off this way, neither of us speaking or even blinking as the energy around us changes to something tense.
“I just don’t want to see her get hurt,” he says at last, his voice softer.
He’s right. Hot guilt flashes through me. All these years of keeping something this monumentally big from my closest friend suddenly feels wrong. Beyond wrong. Deceitful. Sinful.
“Listen, there’s something I need to tell you.” My heart picks up speed, banging painfully against my ribs.
Hale leans
forward, listening intently.
“Macey and I . . . years ago . . .” Embarrassed, I give him a pleading look. “Shit, don’t hit me, okay?”
“Damn it. Just get it out, Reece.”
I take a deep breath and release it slowly. “I loved her back then.”
“Wow.” He rakes his hands through his hair and leans back in his seat. “That’s not what I expected to hear you say. I knew you guys were close back then, but—” His eyes widen, then narrow suspiciously on me. “Wait, you loved her like a sister, or something more?”
“More.” Much more.
Speaking that one word removes a weight from my chest, a weight I’ve carried around for years. There’s so much I want to tell him, to get off my conscience. I want to tell him that I was madly, deeply in love in Macey, that I wanted to be her first lover, but I resisted out of respect for my friendship with him. And because of that, I was fucking shattered when she left for college in the fall. That I’ve turned to BDSM to ease the pain of losing her.
“And now?” He’s gazing at me thoughtfully, as if he’s trying to piece everything together.
Before I can answer, the front door opens, and a burst of feminine laughter spills into the room as Brielle and Macey enter the condo. Macey’s gaze drifts over to me and her smile instantly fades.
That hurts worse than the punch I was anticipating from Hale earlier.
Brielle grins at us both and crosses the room, bending down to plant a kiss on Hale’s lips.
“You taste like peaches,” he murmurs.
“Behave.” She gives him a flirty wink.
“Did you ladies have a nice time?” Hale asks.
Macey sits down in the chair beside mine, and just her physical nearness makes my heart beat faster. It’s always been that way, though. She affects me on a chemical level, one that I’ve never been able to explain.
“Yes, it was fun,” Macey says.
“Macey got a new job, and we were out celebrating,” Brielle adds to fill me in.
