by T. T. Kove
“Fuck.” He rubbed his hands over his face. “Wow.”
“Yeah,” I agreed, staring dazedly up at the ceiling. Once I managed to string a sentence together, however, I turned my head to look at him. “Are we all right, Roar?”
He looked at me. “I don’t know… aren’t we?”
“I think we are.” I frowned slightly. “I just detected some awkwardness earlier. I don’t want us to be awkward.”
His chest rose and fell quickly. “What do you want us to be?”
I licked my lips, nervous all of a sudden when I hadn’t been at all before. Apparently sex was no biggie, but a whole relationship chat was too much for me to handle. “I don’t want us to be awkward, that’s for sure.” Say it, Maria. Bloody say it! “A couple? Boyfriend and girlfriend… that’s what I want.”
He blinked, then turned his head away. “Usually people don’t want to be associated with me.”
“So…?” I had no idea where he was going with that piece of information.
“If I hook up with someone, it’s only for a night, you know. Or in secret, because no one can know they’ve shagged the school’s loser.”
I rolled onto my stomach and propped up so I could look down at him. “You’re not a loser.”
“I am.” He gave me an embarrassed smile.
“People think you’re dangerous. You’re always getting into fights, and you show up with bruises and cuts on your face. People are scared of you.”
Now I got his attention again—and his eyes were intense as they gazed into mine. “Why aren’t you? Scared of me? I hurt you earlier. I could’ve done a lot more than simply twist your wrist. So why aren’t you afraid?”
“I startled you. It was my own fault.”
He pressed his lips together. “Isn’t that what women in abusive relationships always say?”
I laughed—I couldn’t help it. “You’re not an abuser, Roar. I startled you, and you’re used to your stepfather beating the shit out of you, so of course you reacted the way you did. I could’ve been him. This was the first night you spent with me. I hope you’ll get more comfortable as we spend more time together.”
“You really want that?” There was something on his face and in his eyes… hope. Like he wanted this but didn’t believe he could have it.
“Yeah.” I kissed him, and hesitated a long time against his lips before I pulled back. But I only pulled back enough so I could look at him. “I want this. I want you.” I stroked a hand through his hair, messing up his already ruffled wet locks. “You’re not dangerous. Your stepfather is. You’re just trying to make the most out of a shitty situation.”
He wrapped an arm around my waist. “You’ll make a good psychologist.”
I chuckled. “You think so?”
“For how long have you known that’s what you wanted to do?”
“Oh…” I didn’t have to think long about it. “For about two weeks.”
Now he seemed surprised. “Two weeks?”
“Yeah.” I flicked my long, wet hair over my shoulder. “I’ve been thinking non-stop about what to do for months, and then I read about the psychology year course in the study handbook from the University in Trondheim… and I thought I’d like to do this. So I checked out the bachelor degree, and— yeah, I think it’s the right thing for me.”
“Well, you sure move quickly.”
“I do, yeah, once I figure out what I want.” I was pretty sure our words had a double meaning now. “So what do you say, Roar? Do you want to be my boyfriend?”
I knew he liked me—and pretty sure he wanted to pursue this. But pretty sure wasn’t certain.
He chuckled. “I never pictured you like this.”
“What do you mean?”
“Like this.” He motioned to me, searching for words. “So straightforward, so open, so… confident.”
I propped my head in the hand. “What did you picture me as then?”
He rolled his head a little against the sheets as he searched for words again. “Sweet, shy. I don’t know. The kind of girl who never does anything wrong, does everything that’s expected of her, someone shy and awkward about sex. Who’d never bring a lad home with her without anyone knowing. But you’re not like that at all.”
“Good. Because she sounds boring.” I was perfectly aware of how my family saw me, as the quiet bookworm who preferred books over people. And to a certain extent that was me—but so was this.
I wasn’t fond of throwing around the L-word, but I was quickly getting there with Roar. It was scary, but also exciting, and I’d never felt anything like this before.
It felt a little dangerous—like everyone said he was—and I couldn’t get enough.
“She does,” he agreed quietly, smiling softly.
“So is that a yes?”
Another smile split his lips, this one wider, happier. “Yes, Maria, I’d very much like to be your boyfriend.”
I’d squeal, if I did such a thing, but settled for kissing him.
It was better anyway.
As his arms wrapped around me, pulling me down atop him, I knew we weren’t going to get to school in time.
15
Questions
In the end, we both missed our first periods—but it was so worth it. We arrived at school before the bell rang for break, and we had the hallways all to ourselves for a few more minutes.
We spent those minutes wisely, snogging at the bottom of the stairs.
He pushed me up against the wall, and I cupped his face in my hands, all but devouring his lips. He was such a good kisser—kissing had never appealed to me like this with my ex.
“So I’m working tonight,” he said when we pulled back for a break. “But we could go out for dinner after school? My treat this time.”
“I’d like that.” I wrapped my arms around his neck. “And you’re staying with me again tonight.” I wasn’t about to let him go home to that bastard of a stepfather he had. I wanted him with me, all safe and sound and preferably with no fresh bruises.
“Is that going to become a habit?” He teased my lip with his teeth.
“Maybe,” I hedged. “Probably.”
“Can’t complain about that.” He pushed up against me, flattening me against the wall. He was taller, wider, and a lot stronger than me—and having all that flush up against me turned me on like nothing else.
The bell rang.
“Dammit.” I thumbed my head back, hitting the wall lightly. “See you at lunch?”
“You bet.” He kissed me one more time, a soft, lingering kiss that neither one of us wanted to end.
“No fighting today.” I took hold of his jumper, feigning sternness, but I was serious. “I don’t care what people say about me. Let them talk. It doesn’t matter. Just come join me at lunch and leave them to their sad gossip.”
The sound of hundreds of feet came towards up, both from upstairs and the ground floor.
“No fights.” Another kiss. “I promise.”
We separated. He headed up the stairs while I ventured further ahead into the dance department.
I took my mobile up from my pocket as I walked.
So where would be best for me to corner Jasmin? Preferably alone. I don’t want anyone else to know about this.
I sent that off to Iselin and went in search of my classroom. No one commented on my absence, simply because everyone had already left the classroom.
Not to mention we had another teacher for second period, so not even that would be taken much notice of.
Upper secondary school was chill. Parents didn’t have to write messages for their kids if they’d been gone from school for a day or an hour or a minute. Here we could come and go as we pleased—but it was obviously best to come and stay, as we wouldn’t learn much otherwise.
My attendance record was pretty good though, so a few hours here and there wouldn’t drag anything down for me. It wasn’t like universities looked at that—all that mattered to them was the grades.
And when I were to apply for a job… well, they might look at it, but who would honestly put much trust in your attendance record from upper secondary school?
My phone vibrated and I plucked it up out of my pocket again.
Iselin: Well, Hedda’s not in school today, so I reckon you can catch up with her whenever.
Why don’t you come over to our classroom when the bell rings for lunch?
That way you can catch her before she goes off with someone.
Lunch. I was going to meet Roar for lunch and I was loath to spend that half an hour with Jasmin. But whatever information she sat on was important—and I had to find out what it was.
I was about to send a text to Roar when I realised I didn’t have his number—nor was he my friend on Facebook. I didn’t even know his last name.
What’s Roar’s surname?
Iselin: You’ve shagged him and don’t even know his name?
Stop judging me.
Just tell me.
I have to know.
Iselin: OMG.
It’s Wangen.
Roar Wangen.
You should know this.
You slag.
Not anymore I’m not!
Iselin: ???
You’re over already?
That was quick.
NO!
God.
We’re together.
A couple.
He’s my boyfriend!
Iselin: You’re kidding?!?!
I wouldn’t!
Not about this.
I’m so serious right now.
We made it official this morning.
Iselin: Wow.
Congrats!
Wait
…
He’s your BF, and yet you still don’t know his last name?
Oh, shut up.
See if I tell you anything anymore.
I smiled to myself as I clicked into my Facebook app. Time to make Roar my friend on there, and then maybe… maybe something more.
But nothing came up when I searched for Roar Wangen. Not my Roar, anyway.
Maybe Iselin spelled it wrong?
I tried searching for Roar Vangen, but nothing there either.
“What the hell?” I muttered aloud, then stared up ahead at the empty blackboard. Who the hell doesn’t have a Facebook nowadays?
And that’s exactly what I was going to ask Roar when we met up at the next fifteen-minute break.
“So who doesn’t have a Facebook nowadays?” I planted myself in front of him, blocking his way out.
He glanced from me to my mobile, which I clutched in one hand.
“I don’t.”
“Why?” Everyone had Facebook.
He shrugged. “Why should I have it? It’s not like I’d be very interactive on it.”
“You will now. You’ve got me.” I stepped closer to him so I could keep our conversation a little more private. “I was going to add you, only I couldn’t find you. So you haven’t got a Facebook, and I haven’t even got your number.”
He laughed. “I’ll give you my number, Maria.” He held his hand out expectantly and I put my phone in his palm.
He typed in his number and name, then handed it back.
“Thank you,” I said.
“You’re welcome.” He snorted a laugh. “What did you need my number for anyway?”
“I reckon, at some point, I need to get a hold of you,” I teased. “No, but for real. I have to talk to someone at lunch—if they’ll talk to me, anyway. So until I get there, you can sit with Iselin?”
He raised an eyebrow sceptically.
“She’s nice. And she doesn’t bite.”
“Not what I was worried about.”
I tilted my head back slightly so I could look him in the eyes. “What were you worried about then?”
“We’ve got nothing at all in common. I don’t think I’ve ever had a conversation with her.”
I couldn’t contain my laughter. “You’re both slightly socially awkward. I think you would get along great.” I patted his chest. “Okay? I have to figure some things out first, but I’ll join you as soon as I can.”
His eyes narrowed slightly. “What do you have to figure out? Are you all right?”
“I’m fine.” Hopefully. What I didn’t know couldn’t hurt me and all that. If I was fine later depended on what Jasmin had to say. “I’ll tell you all about it at dinner.”
“I’ll hold you to that.”
I would hold myself to it. I’d just asked him to be my boyfriend, so I didn’t want to start this relationship off with secrets. But I couldn’t tell him anything before I had some answers myself, so this was it for now.
Once the bell rang for lunch, I hurried through the corridors towards Iselin’s classroom. And Roar’s.
People milled in the hallways, and I spotted both Iselin and Jakob in the throng heading towards the cafeteria.
I spotted Jasmin’s long, dark, thick hair next to a locker. She stood alone, putting her books away, and I hurried over before she got surrounded by her gaggle of bimbo friends.
“Hey, Jasmin.”
She stiffened, then slowly turned around to face me. Her face was carefully made up with make-up, eyebrows finely plucked and currently up in an arch that asked me what the hell I was doing talking to her.
“Can I talk to you?” I clutched my rucksack under one arm, nervous about what would come of this. “Somewhere more private?”
She rolled her eyes, but she headed into an empty classroom.
Once I was inside, she reached past me to close the door.
“If this is about that party—”
So she’d been expecting this, had she? “It is.”
Her eyes narrowed at my interruption. “If you think I wouldn’t tell Hedda about you snogging her boyfriend, you’re wrong—”
“This isn’t about Jakob!” Why was everything about him? That had been sorted out. This was so much more important.
She crossed her arms over her chest. “What is it then?”
“Iselin said you were at that party, and since I don’t remember much of it, I figured—”
“I’m not about to go into details of Jakob and you snogging. There were lips, tongues, maybe some groping, end of story.”
“It’s not about that either.” I wrung my hands, all kinds of nervous now. She didn’t make me feel any better with her attitude. “I don’t actually remember hooking up with Jakob, but I’ve spoken with him. He didn’t give me anything to drink. I was just wondering if you saw someone? Who gave something to me?”
She cocked her head curiously. “You don’t remember anything?”
I shook my head. “Well, I remember arriving and sitting on the sofa drinking cider with Iselin… but apart from that, it’s all blank until I woke up later that night.”
“There was this guy who handed you a glass.” She put her index finger to her lips thoughtfully. “Maybe two? I don’t know. You sat with him a little, at least.”
“Who was he?” Why couldn’t I bloody remember that night?
She blew out a breath and snapped her fingers. “M-something.”
“Magnus?” Please don’t tell me my bloody ex has something to do with this. We’d cut ties a long time ago. All we did lately was exchange a hi when we passed each other, but other than that we didn’t talk.
“Umm, no.” Jasmin still snapped her fingers. “But close. Marius?”
Marius? Who the hell was that?
“No, that’s not right either. He’s older, not in our school. He’s Glenn’s brother?”
My first thought was how in the hell did Jasmin know Glenn?
Then something cold slithered down my spine.
“Marcus?”
16
Answers
“Yes! That’s it.” She seemed satisfied she’d remembered the name.
I, on the other hand, felt faint. “Did I— Did he—?”
She lowered her hands, expression softening. “I think
he wanted something to happen, but you wandered off. Straight into Jakob’s lap.” She shrugged. “Then the two of you disappeared, and I don’t have to be a genius to know what happened after that.”
She pursed her lips. “So you don’t even remember having sex with him? God, you had to be so pissed.”
“Nothing happened,” I said faintly, still stuck on Marcus.
What the hell had he been doing at that party? It had been a party for us still in school, not some older psychopath who’d almost killed Alex.
“Yeah, as if I believe that.” Jasmin seemed oblivious to my horrification.
“It’s true.” I grabbed onto the desk behind me and leant against it. “I think he drugged me.”
“Jakob?” She frowned. “I doubt he’d ever do something like that. The guy wears his heart on his sleeve.”
“Not Jakob.” I shook my head violently. “Marcus.”
“Oh. Well, if he did, he never touched you. Like I said, you walked away from him and straight over to Jakob. Well, okay, not straight, considering you weren’t exactly steady on your feet, but you get my meaning.”
I got her meaning all to well.
And I should be grateful it’d been Jakob I’d ended up with. Kind, troubled Jakob… if Marcus had got hold of me, I didn’t even dare think about what he’d do to me.
The psycho had almost killed Alex because he was gay and dating his brother’s best friend. What wouldn’t he do to some poor drunk girl he’d drugged?
“What was he even doing there? He’s a lot older than us.” Well, a lot was taking it a bit too far, but he was at least three years older.
Jasmin shrugged. “A lot of people were at that party.”
“Did he give drinks to anyone else?” Did he hurt anyone?
“I don’t know. I’m not his babysitter.” Jasmin seemed annoyed now. “I had other things on my mind than look out for that idiot, okay?”
“So you’re absolutely sure he didn’t do anything to me?” Not that drugging me, if that was what he’d done, wasn’t bad in itself. But it was the lesser of two evils. He could’ve just given me really strong drinks too, there didn’t have to be any drugs involved.
