But I couldn’t help but think, Unless I do something stupid to screw it all up.
Chapter Four
MY HEAVY EYELIDS STRUGGLED TO RISE as Josh’s cheerful phone alarm sang louder and louder. I’d stared at the ceiling most of the night until I’d finally fallen asleep just a few hours ago.
Today is the day.
Short program day.
My stomach flip-flopped, anticipating the competition that was still hours away. Josh shut off the alarm, and he settled back beside me and kissed my mess of curls.
“How do you feel?” he asked.
I scooted upright against the pillows, and my ribs responded with a dull ache. “A little sore.”
Josh reached over to the nightstand and flipped on the lamp, and I turned sideways and pulled off my T-shirt.
“How does my back look?”
His hesitance to answer didn’t give me a good feeling. I looked over my shoulder at him, and his eyes were pained at what he saw.
“That bad?” I said quietly.
His fingertips grazed my skin, and he touched his lips to my shoulder. “I hate seeing you hurt.”
“It probably looks worse than it feels.”
“Still… I wish I could’ve done something to stop you from falling.”
I slipped my shirt over my head. “There was nothing you could do. Our momentum was going in opposite directions.”
He rubbed his hand softly up and down my spine. “You think you’ll be able to cover the bruises with makeup?”
“I hope so. Em said she’d come over to help me this afternoon.”
Josh gave my waist a squeeze and picked up the menu from the nightstand as he climbed off the bed. “Want to order breakfast in?”
“Sure. I need coffee from downstairs, though.” I went over to my suitcase. “You want me to get you anything?”
“Nah, I’ll just have juice.” He reached for the phone. “Egg white omelet with spinach, tomatoes, and peppers and a side of fruit?”
I loved that he knew my favorite breakfast, but my jittery stomach wasn’t feeling the love. I had to make a good effort to eat, though, so I wouldn’t pass out during the warm-up later.
“Perfect,” I said with a forced smile.
I swapped my pajama pants for yoga pants, and I covered my T-shirt with a hoodie and my hair with a baseball cap. No one could fault me for looking like a bum before I’d had my Starbucks.
Down in the lobby the line stretched out the door of the coffee shop. I shuffled to the end of it and covered my mouth as I let out a huge yawn.
“Trouble sleeping last night? Me too,” a twangy voice behind me said.
I groaned inside and slowly pivoted toward Roxanne. Her dark hair was piled atop her head in the biggest top knot I’d ever seen, and she was in full makeup as if she was about to skate.
“Big day,” I said and faced the counter again.
“I’m glad Evan and I are skating in the last group so I can take a long nap later,” she continued to talk even though I thought I’d given the clear vibe of It’s way too early to chit chat.
“The crowd is always the best for the last group, too,” she went on, and I felt obligated to halfway slant in her direction. “Though I’m sure it’ll be great when you and Josh skate early. You have the whole city behind you.”
I stifled another yawn. “We need all the support we can get. I know better than anyone how hard it is to make the team.”
“I keep forgetting you haven’t been to the Olympics yet. Probably because you’re all over the ads everywhere.” Her gray eyes flashed with irritation.
Ahh, yes, I should’ve known she’d go there again. Ever since Josh and I had been invited to the Olympic media summit where we’d posed for sponsors, Roxanne had made comments hinting she and Evan had been slighted. As if Josh and I had any control over who the federation had chosen to represent Team USA at the event.
Thankfully, the clerk beckoned me forward, so I had an excuse to ignore Roxanne’s complaining. After I ordered my latte with soy milk, I stood in the middle of the crowd to keep Roxanne at bay. I managed to get my drink and exit the shop without any more conversation, but I stopped short as I approached the elevators. Josh’s mom was coming straight for me.
What is this? Run-into-every-annoying-person morning?
“Courtney, I was hoping to see you. I need a few words with you,” Mrs. Tucker said.
“My breakfast is waiting upstairs, so…” I made a move for the elevator.
“This will only take a few minutes.” She touched my elbow and urged me toward a table outside the café.
I lowered the brim of my cap and sank onto one of the chairs. The less eye contact I made with Mrs. Tucker the better. I couldn’t imagine this being a pleasant conversation. It never was with her.
“Your practices have left a lot to be desired, wouldn’t you say?” she began.
I winced at the direct hit, but I should’ve expected it. She never was one to beat around the bush.
“Luckily, practices don’t count,” I said.
I kept my head down, but I couldn’t escape the coldness of her glare. I wrapped my hands around my cup to draw upon its warmth.
“No, but the short program does count, and you can’t afford to make any mistakes. You have to put yourself in position to win on Saturday.”
“I’m well aware of that.” I tried to keep my voice even.
“I’m just making sure you realize how important this is. You already ruined Josh’s life once. You’d better not ruin this for him, too.”
My knuckles strained around my drink, and I gritted my teeth, not allowing my exhaustion to override good sense. Her words had stabbed at the heart of my anxiety, but going off on Josh’s mom in the middle of the hotel lobby wasn’t how I should start my day. She had no idea how important this competition was to me. It was too important. I shoved back my chair and shot to my feet.
“I have to go.”
I punched the elevator button and ducked into the corner of the empty car. My anxiousness rose as quickly as the floor numbers.
Of course I didn’t want to mess this up for Josh. I didn’t want to mess this up for us. No matter how many times I told myself not to get caught up in the Olympic dream again, I couldn’t stop the madness. I wanted us to make the team so badly I’d been crippling myself with fear on the ice. Fear that once again I wasn’t going to succeed, but this time it would hurt even worse because I’d be letting Josh down, too. My best friend and the love of my life.
The elevator opened, and I slowly made my way to the room. When I reached the door, I paused for a few calming breaths. I didn’t want Josh to see me rattled and to know his mom had confronted me. It would just upset him, and he didn’t need that today.
Short program day.
I took a swig of coffee, hoping to drown the edgy flutters, and I slid my key into the door.
****
A FEW HOURS AND one shaky twenty-minute warm-up later, I stood at the bathroom counter, arranging and rearranging my makeup and hair products. Each of my fingers had developed a nervous tic and wouldn’t stop moving.
Josh shrugged on his team jacket as he stepped into the doorway. He was going to hang out with Stephanie while Em helped me get ready.
“Text me when you’re done?” he said.
“Sounds good,” I said, fumbling two tubes of lipstick.
“Hey.” He moved behind me and circled his arms around my shoulders, and I looked up at our reflection in the mirror.
“We’re going to be great tonight.” He held my gaze and didn’t blink. “I can feel it.”
I leaned back into him and let his strong arms surround me with positivity. Oh, how I wanted to feel it, too. But all I felt was overwhelming terror.
A knock on the door took Josh’s warm embrace away from me. Em’s voice carried into the room, and she bid Josh goodbye before joining me at the sink.
“This feels very familiar,” she said.
I dropped my
eyeliner and crouched to the tile to pick it up. “Huh?”
“Your first nationals. I did your makeup and hair for you?”
“Oh… yeah. Lots of déjà vu happening this week.”
Another knock came on the door, and I scrunched my eyebrows. “Who could that be?”
“I’ll get it,” Em said.
My chest seized with alarm. “Wait! If it’s Josh’s mom, tell her I’m busy.”
“Don’t worry. She won’t get past me.”
Em looked through the peephole and smiled. I ventured out beside her, and she opened the door to reveal a bellman holding a crystal vase full of purple roses.
“I have these for Courtney Carlton,” he said.
“That’s me.” I lifted my hand, and he presented me with the bouquet. “Hang on just a sec.”
I went to get my purse, but Em paid the tip before I could retrieve my wallet.
“Thanks,” I said as I set the vase on the desk.
“These are gorgeous.” She fingered one of the delicate petals. “They’re the exact color of your costume.”
I opened the large card included with the bouquet and recognized the handwriting. “They’re from Josh.”
“Like there was any question.” Em smiled.
Holding the card firmly in my shaky hands, I read silently.
The purple rose symbolizes enchantment, and that is what I felt the very first time I saw you and what I still feel every moment I’m with you. I am in constant awe of your beauty and your strength. It is the ultimate honor for me to skate with you, and I can’t wait to step on the ice with you tonight.
I love you,
Josh
With my emotions already at level-ten crazy, I couldn’t hold back the tears. I let out a strangled cry and dropped onto the edge of the bed.
“Court.” Em’s eyes grew big, and she sat beside me. “What… is it the note?”
I shook my head because my throat was too tight to speak. The note wasn’t the issue. It had just magnified how much I loved Josh and wanted to fulfill my dream with him. The issue was the lifetime of skating I’d spent trying to reach the holy grail of competitions and the smothering feeling of dread I had about taking the ice.
“I knew this was going to happen,” I choked out. “Four years ago I thought I made peace with not making the team, and skating with Josh was just going to be about having fun and trying new things and doing what I love most with the person I love most. But the closer we got to this season, the more I started fixating on the Olympics again, and as badly as I wanted to make the team in the past, I want it even more this time because it’s Josh. And experiencing it with him would be so incredible my heart can’t even take it.”
I gasped for breath, and Em brought me into her arms. She didn’t say anything as she let me cry all the tears I needed to release. I’d been holding in all these thoughts and feelings, not wanting to admit how freaked out I was.
When I had a handle on myself, I pulled back and wiped my wet face with my palms. “I’m sorry I’m such a mess. You probably thought I’d be more together this time since I’ve gone through this twice before.”
She squeezed my knee. “As someone who spent the entire 2006 season having panic attacks, I’m in no position to judge. I know what it’s like to be obsessed with the idea of something and to want it so much you make yourself crazy.”
“The thing is, I don’t just want it for myself. Even though Josh has already been to the Olympics, I know how special going with me would be for him. There’s a reason he saved his favorite piece of music for this season. It’s always been on his mind. It’s always been what he’s dreamed about. And I’m terrified I’m going to screw up and ruin everything.”
Em hugged me again and then stood and took my hands. “Let’s start getting you ready, and we’ll talk about this.”
She handed me my face wash, and I scrubbed the tear stains from my cheeks. As I blotted my face with a towel, Em uncapped the bottle of body makeup.
“Do you know how jealous I am of you and Josh?” she said.
I paused and looked at her curiously over the towel. Em had Sergei, who pretty much worshipped her, and she had an Olympic gold medal. What could Josh and I have that she was missing?
“I’m sure you understand my confusion,” I said.
She faced me away from her, and I watched in the mirror as she moved the strap of my camisole aside and dabbed a spot of foundation on my back. The liquid felt cold and creamy.
“I adore Chris and wouldn’t change one day of our partnership, but competing with Sergei, being able to skate with him every day… that’s a little fantasy I’ll always have. The times we skate together for fun at the rink are so magical.” She smoothed her fingers in circles over my skin. “And you and Josh get to experience that all the time.”
I gave her a little smile. “It is pretty great.”
“Sure, rub it in.” She poked my shoulder but smiled back. “My point in telling you this is I want you to realize there’s no reason to be afraid tonight. Just look at Josh and remember why you agreed to skate with him four years ago. Not for medals or to go to the Olympics but to have that amazing feeling you get every time you’re together on the ice.”
I closed my eyes and pictured Josh standing next to me, holding my hand as we prepared to skate. It didn’t matter how many years we’d been partners. I still felt an undeniable spark when we glided across the ice. The way he looked at me when we were skating together — it was like I was the greatest gift he could ever receive. He made me feel so special.
“You’re right,” I whispered and turned to Em. “I am so lucky.”
“And so is Josh.” She touched my cheek. “Keep those thoughts in your mind and in your heart tonight, and let your body do what it’s so well trained to do.”
I nodded slowly, and Em resumed working on me. My body hadn’t cooperated the past two days at practice, but I had to forget that. I’d spent hundreds of days at home doing perfect programs, and those were what mattered most.
Trust your body.
Trust your heart.
Let your beauty and your strength shine.
****
THE LOVELY STRAINS OF “Clair de Lune” usually put me in a serene frame of mind, but hearing the music in the distance on the TD Garden sound system amped up all my jitters. Josh and I were next to skate after the “Clair de Lune” pair, so we only had about five minutes until our blades would touch the ice.
Josh stood quietly beside me, moving his hands every so often as he mentally ran through our choreography. He liked to stay to himself until just a few moments before we had to report to the ice. Completely the opposite of him, I was bouncing around, talking to Em and Sergei about anything and everything to ward off any negative thoughts.
Josh stopped moving and sent me a smile, and I noticed a shiny spot on his forehead.
“Em, quick, you have my makeup?” I said.
She produced it in seconds, and I tapped the brush in the powder and fluffed it over Josh’s face.
“Am I pretty now?” he asked.
I handed the supplies to Em and brushed a few powder particles from Josh’s black shirt. Purple stones lined his deep V-neck and the edges of his sleeves, giving him the perfect amount of bedazzled sexiness.
“You’re so pretty it hurts,” I said.
He grinned and stepped closer to me so we were just a breath apart. Em and Sergei backed away, giving us space for our final moment together.
“I still pinch myself every time we compete because I can’t believe I’m really skating with you.” He traced his fingertips lightly under my jaw. “My dream girl.”
I wrapped my arms around his waist and placed a whisper of a kiss on his lips. “It’s all been real, but it’s felt like a dream.”
“And it’s far from over,” he said. “I’m counting the seconds until I can get out there and skate this hot flamenco program with you.”
The huskiness of his voice sent a shiver
through me, and I just about forgot the magnitude of the event. Sergei broke the spell when he cleared his throat.
“Time to go,” he said.
The four of us walked through the tunnel and waited as the previous team spun into their ending pose. I took off my jacket, and Em gave my back a once-over for any makeup smudges. Josh pulled me into one more hug, and we stayed in the embrace until we received the signal to take the ice.
As soon as we removed our guards, the audience erupted with cheers. Goosebumps shot up all over my skin, and my heart thumped hard against my chest. I pushed off from the boards and took long, deliberate strokes.
While the score was read, Josh skated to my side and grasped my hand, and we glided over to Em and Sergei. The crowd had quieted for the score, but was now in full frenzy mode, yelling and waving signs of support. I took a tiny sip of water to wet my dry mouth, and I intertwined my fingers with Josh’s, holding on as tightly as I could.
Sergei leaned forward so we could hear him over the chaos. “You have a connection no other team has. Focus on each other, and you’ll make it all happen.”
Josh and I bobbed our heads and skated to the end of the rink for our introduction. The booming cheers drowned out the pounding of my pulse in my ears. I looked up at Josh, and he squeezed my hand and mouthed, “I love you.”
I smiled and exhaled the long breath I’d been holding.
Here we go.
Chapter Five
SURROUNDED ON ALL SIDES BY OVERWHELMING love from the crowd, Josh and I skated to center ice and tensed our bodies for our opening pose. Josh stood behind me, and we turned our heads slightly toward each other without making eye contact. I wished I could see the sureness in his eyes one last time, but I couldn’t budge with the music about to start any second.
The quick strum of the guitar began, and I remembered the advice Em had given me at the hotel. Josh stroked my arm, sparking the fire inside me, and I zeroed all my focus on the heat and the energy between us.
Our eyes met as we took our initial steps across the ice, and I saw how intensely Josh was locked in on me. With the strong guitar beat guiding us, I felt completely inside the program already. Josh reached for my hand, and we sped toward the triple twist, our blades whooshing in unison.
Taking the Ice (Ice Series Book 3) Page 4
