Lost in You

by Heidi McLaughlin

  “This time, you blew off the same reporter from the TV show so she instantly ran with how unstable you are. You can’t afford this. You can’t have mothers telling their daughters that they can’t listen to your music. You can’t have movie directors wanting to take a chance on you, only for them to think you’re some high-society socialite who doesn’t give a rat’s ass about anyone but herself.”

  “None of this happened.”

  “Why, because you didn’t hear about it? There’s a reason for that, Hadley. You and Alex have your heads so far up your asses you don’t know what the hell is going on around you. You go around doing whatever it is you want without any repercussions, leaving me to pick up the pieces.”

  “Well I guess that’s why I pay you the big money, isn’t it?”

  “See, that’s what I’m talking about. You don’t care. Maybe I’ll stop caring, especially when reporters are sniffing around you and this boy toy. Maybe I’ll let it drop that he’s only seventeen and you aren’t exactly keeping things PG.”

  “You wouldn’t.”

  “I would. Now get your ass over here, pronto.”

  “Fine! Who is the meeting with?”

  “Another musician. It’s for a small tour, starting immediately. You need this tour to fix your reputation before it tanks. Hadley, don’t be late. I’m getting sick of your games.”

  I sigh heavily as I roll out of bed, throwing my phone into the chair. My neck is sore and I’m tired. Ryan and I were on the phone until about three in the morning. I can’t imagine how tired he is with having to go to school today; at least I got to sleep in.

  I drag my sorry ass into the shower. I have a meeting with some artist that wants to do a mini tour before the end of the year. Lovely. That means I’ll be on the road for the holidays. Not something I really want to do, but Ian insists and Lord knows I can’t afford to piss him off. He says I need to do something to make up for my “blunder”. It’s not like I went out on stage naked. I missed an interview. I can’t imagine who Ian is bringing in to help my image.

  But I have a feeling I’m not going to like it.

  Walking into Ian’s house is like second nature. I half expect to find Anal Anna lounging by the pool. I don’t know why Ian has a house in Los Angeles, especially when I live in New York City and that’s where we’re from. Ian living here makes things extremely difficult. I don’t want to be here. Being on the East Coast also puts me closer to Ryan and allows me to be in my own home instead of a hotel.

  I know I’ll find Ian in his office; I think he sleeps in there most nights. Voices carry down the hall. The closer I get, the more familiar the second voice is. My hand shakes as I twist the knob, pushing the door open slightly. The creak in the hinges gets their attention. They both turn and look at me. Ian’s smiling and leaning back in his chair, his hands behind his head. I know he’s done this on purpose. This is my punishment for wanting to be with Ryan and I have a feeling I won’t be able to get out of this newly inked deal, whether I want to or not.

  I want to turn and run out of the room, out of the house, when he stands. His movements are slow, calculated. He holds onto the arm of the chair like it’s his lifeline. I’m trying to look away, but my eyes betray me. Coleman notices, his mouth turning up. I look away, closing my eyes. I can’t look at him without reliving that night.

  Meeting him at fifteen, we started dating a year later. It was intense and far too committed for being so young. Both of us were determined to be successful recording artists and let stardom go to our heads. Well at least he did. He couldn’t or wouldn’t say no to anyone, which was a slight problem for me, especially when I found another woman in our bed.

  It only took one night for my life to turn upside down. We had been living together for about six months. I missed him and decided I needed to see him, regardless of being on tour. We had been on opposite sides of the country for far too long.

  When I opened the door, it was like one of those Lifetime movies. Clothes spread out on the floor leading to my bedroom, champagne bottle tipped over and the moaning. I’ll never forget that sound as long as I live.

  I knew I shouldn’t have opened the door, but I couldn’t resist. My heart was already breaking. I just needed the visuals to split it in half.

  They both looked at me, she smiled and he… he threw her off of him and came after me, apologizing as he chased me down the hall. I made it to the front door before he trapped me against it. He held me there, his naked body laced with her scent pushed against mine. He was crying, telling me how much he loved me and that she was a mistake. A stupid, stupid mistake.

  I left that night without looking at him. I couldn’t. The next day Ian had moving trucks at the apartment and I was front-page news. The break-up was messy and spread across the tabloids. Everything I did was scrutinized. Every date I went on we were hounded by the press. It was never-ending and the only way to make it stop was to stop dating.

  “I didn’t expect you to be on time.”

  I jerk up and stare at my uncle. I don’t know why he has to be such an ass, but maybe he needs a reminder of who signs his paycheck. I stand in the doorway with no intention of moving.

  “Are you going to join us?”

  “No, I think I’ll wait until your meeting is over before we start ours.” I look down at my watch. “How much longer? I’m busy.”

  Ian lets his chair spring forward, his hands landing on his desk. He chuckles, shaking his head. “This is our meeting, Hadley. Why don’t you come in and sit down.”

  I shake my head. “I’m fine right here. Quick escape for when I’m utterly disgusted with you. Don’t worry though. The fill line is getting close. I’m sure it won’t take much to set me off.”

  “So be it. As you can see, Cole is here and I’m sure you’re smart enough to guess that you guys are going on tour. It’s small, but nightly. There won’t be any time for you to gallivant. There will be no meet and greets, either.”

  My fingers rub my temples. There are so many things wrong with this. Mainly that I’m going to miss Ryan’s birthday and I can’t have that.

  “I’ll need a day off in December.”

  “No.”

  “You’re not my father, Ian. If I need a day off, I’m going to take it.”

  Ian stands, his hands pressing down on his desk. “You need this tour after your last little fiasco. You will not take a day off. You have a lot at stake here. Don’t encourage me to make a phone call. I have a list of people asking the same question over and over again. Would you like your friend to be front page news?”

  “Watch me.” I push off the wall and storm down the hall. I know I probably made a huge mistake, but I can’t stand being in the same room with either of them. The footsteps behind me make me walk faster. His hand gets to the door before I have a chance to open it, blocking me. It’s that night all over again.

  “You’re being unreasonable, Hadley.”

  I want to scream when he says my name. I haven’t seen him since that night and now he’s here making my life a living nightmare.

  “Cole, move your hand so I can leave.”

  “We need to talk. I mean, we haven’t seen each other in a long time and we should catch up. How about we go for some coffee?”

  I shake my head, willing the impending headache to vacate its current residence inside my brain. My head feels as if it’s going to explode, not to mention the tears that are threatening to leak down my face. I have nothing to say to Coleman Hollister.

  “I don’t want to talk to you.”

  His fingers move down the back of my arm. I jerk away, offended by him even thinking he can touch me.

  “Don’t,” I say through clenched teeth. “You don’t get to touch me, ever.”

  He leans forward, the scruff on his chin rubbing against my neck. “Ian told me about your newest infatuation.”

  “He told you?” I choke on my words.

  “Of course he did. You know we’re good for each other. We just got lo
st a little along the way. Don’t think for a minute I’m going to let some little kid stand in my way.”

  He pushes off the door, leaving me standing here. Anger builds inside of me as I bang my head against the front door. I don’t understand why things have to be like this. What does Ian think this he’s going to accomplish? That I’m going to stop seeing Ryan?

  Pulling open the door, I don’t bother shutting it behind me. Childish, I know, but he can deal with the bugs. I realize quickly that I don’t have a car. I have two options: sit on the steps and wait, or walk. I’ll walk.

  I look down at my feet and stare at my high heels. Why did I wear these today? Why did I even get dressed up to come to a meeting with Ian? I slip off my shoes and dangle them from my fingertips like some Hollywood starlet. At least the pavement is cool and not burning the pads of my feet. I could call a cab, but think I need this time to think things through. I know I need the good publicity that a tour can bring, especially with Coleman, but the last thing I want to do is spend any time with him. I know what happened with us was a long time ago, but I’m not over the hurt and it’s taken me a long time to trust someone again.

  I trust Ryan. Even after the homecoming fiasco, I trust him with my heart. I know that he didn’t encourage Dylan in any way and was actually excited to see their homecoming pictures. I did feel a pang of jealousy when he showed them to me, but didn’t want Ryan to know. He wanted to make this night special for Dylan, plus he didn’t want his dad getting suspicious.

  I come upon a park and take a detour. The cold grass feels refreshing on my feet. They ache from the rough concrete. I find a shady spot under a tree and sit down. The park is full of kids and either mothers or nannies. You can’t really tell these days, especially here. The kids all look happy, running and screaming, while being chased around jungle gyms. They laugh when they’re caught and squirm to be put down, only to start over. I can’t help but wonder how these kids feel having their parents gone all the time. I don’t know how I’d feel about leaving my child with a nanny all day.

  My phone rings and I frantically dig in my purse. When I pull it out, Ryan’s face is smiling back at me. This is a picture he took and sent to me before homecoming. He was all dressed up in a tuxedo again, but this time he captured the moment for me. The first time I saw him like this was at the charity ball and we both forgot to get a picture together.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey, how was your meeting?”

  I close my eyes and wish I didn’t have to tell him. But we promised each other no secrets, no matter how horrible mine might be.

  “My meeting sucked, actually.”

  He laughs, which makes me feel a little better. He won’t be laughing after I tell him why I don’t want to tour with Coleman Hollister or that I could potentially miss his birthday. A day he and I have been waiting for, for what seems like an eternity now.

  “Where are you?” he asks.

  “Sitting in a park, watching all these little kids run around and have fun, remembering when I was little. My mom and I would leave right after school and walk to Central Park. I went to this private school in the city and we’d stop at either the pretzel stand or we’d get a bag of hot roasted nuts if it was cold out. I’d play while she graded papers for an hour before we went home to make dinner for my dad.”

  “That sounds like a good memory.”

  “It is. Just watching these kids makes me miss being a kid.”

  “Not me. I’m counting the days until I’m an adult.” Ryan sighs. I know things at home are getting worse for him. His dad has taken away just about any freedom he had. Surprisingly his cell phone has remained a secret, for which I’m thankful. I’m not sure what I’d do if we weren’t able to talk or text every day. I know I complain about not seeing him, but I’ll take whatever I can get.

  “Tell me about your meeting.”

  “It’s boring,” I whine.

  “I don’t care if you sat in a smelly old chair covered in cat fur and had to write your name a hundred times, I want to talk to you and something’s on your mind. So I’m guessing it’s about your meeting.”

  “When did my boyfriend become so smart?”

  Ryan laughs. “It’s because I have this amazing girlfriend.”

  I sigh and close my eyes and pray that what I’m about to tell Ryan won’t change anything between us. One thing’s for sure, I can’t tell him why I’m doing this.

  CHAPTER 23

  Ryan

  We discussed emotions in health class today. Happy, sad, emptiness, longing, lust… they were all covered. Girls giggled, ooh’d and ahh’d and batted their eyelashes at some of the guys in the class. Most of the guys laughed when ‘lust’ was brought up, me included. These feelings I have for Hadley, now that I can start describing them, are increasing even though Dylan told me that they eventually go away and you just fall into a pattern of mundane reality, which apparently is where her parents are in their marriage.

  I’m still fighting the urge to tell Dylan everything. After Homecoming our friendship seems stronger. As much as I wanted to back out and not take her, Hadley was adamant that I escort her for the night. She used words like honor and keeping my word as she yelled at me over the phone. This was just days after she yelled at me in the car. To say I was confused is an understatement.

  I relented and took Dylan and we had a good time. I even danced a little, but only after Dylan threatened to expose my secret. I reminded her that no one would believe her and thought I had won the battle until she stated simply, “You’ll be the laughing stock of the school.” It only took me a moment to realize she was telling the truth and while her tactic may have seemed underhanded, when I told Hadley, she laughed.

  When I started dating Hadley, I wanted her and Dylan to be friends. Now I’m not so sure. I can honestly say I’m not a fan of being ganged up on.

  Dylan has changed back to the way she was before she found out about Hadley. I don’t know if it was something Hadley said, but for whatever reason she’s happy and wild again and I’ll take that Dylan any day.

  I never thought I’d be that guy. You know, the one who waits around for his cell phone to ring, constantly checking it just in case he didn’t hear it. It’s a girl thing. They are always looking and now so am I. I knew that dating Hadley would bring obstacles. I just didn’t expect it to be like this. I thought that once her tour was done, she’d have more time, a bit more freedom, but that isn’t the case. Her manager has kept her in Los Angeles and away from me for over a month. As pansy as it sounds to say it, I miss her.

  I miss having her in my arms. I miss the smell of her hair. I miss the way she smiles when I kiss her or the way she plays with my hair when she’s thinking. I fear that we're going to lose what we had now that we’ve been apart, or worse, she’s going to meet someone else. Someone who can provide her with everything that she needs and wants and that she can be seen with in public. I know she wants that and I can’t offer her jack shit.

  The feeling of dread – an emotion we learned today – washes over me when she answers the phone. The cheery tone she usually has when she answers is missing. I try to mask my alarm; I don’t want her to know I’m feeling this way because upsetting her is the last thing I want to do.

  I want to know about her day. When I ask her, she plays it off as if it’s no big deal, but it is to me. My life is mundane and repetitive, always sticking to the same schedule, even where she’s concerned.

  The silence is starting to scare me. Should I feel this way? Is she finally realizing the distance is more than she is willing to put up with? She doesn’t have to. I’m the one who needs to hold on to what little bit of her I can get.

  “Hadley?”

  “Yeah, I’m here.”

  “Something wrong?”

  She sighs and now I know. I take a deep breath and prepare myself for what she’s going to tell me. It’s not working. It’s the distance. You’re too young. Whatever the reasoning, I’ll have to take it like a
man.

  “Ian’s being unreasonable. He’s sending me back out on a promotional tour.”

  “Okay.” I’m not sure how to respond. This doesn’t seem like such a bad thing. I know she’s tired, but she’s also a performer and this is her job. Believe me, I’d love to not work and get paid.

  “You don’t understand.”

  “What?” Vague Hadley is not my favorite.

  “The tour is straight through until the end of the year.”

  Through the end of the year.

  My birthday.

  A day that she promised she would spend with me no matter what and now she’ll be on tour.

  “So no days off?”

  “There’s more.”

  I want to say of course there is, but I don’t. I’m in no position to say anything.

  Hadley sighs and starts talking. I listen closely, but really don’t hear much after the words ex-boyfriend, tour and together. She’s going on tour with her ex-boyfriend. One that I didn’t know existed. Maybe she didn’t think it was important to tell me about her ex, or maybe she thought he wasn’t important to discuss. I feel he is.

  “How serious were you with him?”

  “We lived together. He was my first boyfriend. We were sort of thrown together because of our jobs, but…he cheated on me. I was on tour and really missed him so I came home and found him with someone else. I left and haven’t seen him since. The break-up was all over the media and was messy. I just don’t know why…”

  She trails off, not finishing her sentence. I’m not sure what to think. I know that I don’t have an opinion, but I’d like one. I don’t know what I’d say though.

  “This doesn’t change anything, Ryan.”

  “Okay.” That is a cop-out answer on my part, because in my mind everything has changed. She’ll be spending all her time with this guy, one who knows her very well and I’ll be here, waiting.