Lost in You

by Heidi McLaughlin

  I send the text back. Setting down my phone I shake the mouse to wake the computer. Pressing down on the mouse, the Internet window opens up. I type in my name and student ID so I can have access to the web. Everything I do on here will be tracked. I wonder what the principal will think when he sees that I’m searching Hadley Carter.

  He won’t think much because all the boys here talk about her, he’ll probably think I’m normal except there isn’t anything normal about me looking for her on the web. I feel like I’m crossing some imaginary line between us.

  Her reply pops up. Call me, please. I want to explain before you see the pictures.

  Pictures? Is this what Dylan was talking about? I look at my phone and the computer, my temperature rising. I’ve never been one to get too angry, but right now I’m on edge. What kind of pictures is Hadley talking about? And Dylan, what’s she trying to tell me? I’m not sure how much more I can take. Yesterday it’s the ex and today it’s photos.

  I type in her name and hit enter, closing my eyes before anything appears on the screen. I’m about to do something I’m going to regret, but I have to know. When I open my eyes, I wish I hadn’t. I wish Dylan hadn’t said anything and that yesterday never happened. I wish I could go back to the night of the concert and tell Dylan no because staring back at me is my girlfriend with her face buried in some guy’s neck while he carries her. Best part, he’s smiling, which tells me she’s not hurt.

  I reach for the mouse and click through the images. One labels the guy as Coleman Hollister and says that he and Hadley are back together. Back together. So this is the ex-boyfriend. The one she loved before me, who knows her better than I do. The one I can’t compete with. I bite my lip to stop myself from yelling. My fist slams down on the table, making the computer rattle.

  I pick-up my phone, determined to throw it against the wall. Instead I open her message and reply.

  TOO LATE!

  I storm out of the library, the door slamming against the wall, almost hitting Dylan. I stop and look at her, she’s rubbing her arm, but I don’t care. I can’t even comprehend what she’s doing here. She knew what I’d find and encouraged me to look. Why would she do that? Does she hate Hadley that much or is she trying to hurt me?

  She yells my name as I stalk down the hall. I don’t know if she’s following me. I lose myself in the swarm of kids coming out of the cafeteria. Their talking drowns out her voice. I don’t want to talk to her right now, or even see her. I can’t get over the fact that she knew.

  My phone goes off again and this time I answer it hearing Hadley’s cries. I want to scream and tell her to shut up because I don’t want to hear it.

  “Ryan, let me explain.”

  “What’s there to explain?” I ask as I push open the front doors of the school. The fresh air feels good. I breathe in, hoping to calm down before I continue this conversation with her. My heart aches knowing this is the last time I’ll talk to her, because even I know cheating isn’t okay.

  “Those photos… they aren’t what they seem.”

  I laugh. “I may be naïve, Hadley, but I’m not that stupid.”

  “I never said you’re stupid. I’m asking you to listen to me so I can explain what happened after you hung up on me yesterday.”

  “So this is my fault?” I cross the parking lot and wait for traffic to clear before walking across the street. I don’t know where I’m going. I need to get away from this school and from Dylan and her stupid looks.

  “I didn’t do anything wrong!” She says this with such vigor it makes me stop.

  “Why me, Hadley, huh?” I’m asking the question that has been plaguing my mind for months now. “Why did you pick me?”

  “Why you? You know this, Ryan. When I first saw you, I felt something and that was without even knowing you. After we met, I knew you were the one for me. I’m in love with you. Why can’t you see that?”

  “Because I’m seeing you in the arms of your ex-boyfriend, the one I just found out about.”

  I take a shortcut through the park, keeping off the roads. The last thing I need is for my dad to drive by and see me walking down the street, talking on a cell phone that I technically don’t own and I’m not allowed to have.

  “I’m sorry about not telling you earlier about Cole; he’s not a subject that I like talking about and definitely didn’t want to bring him up. Had I known Ian was bringing him on this tour, I would’ve told you everything. I don’t want to keep secrets from you.”

  “It’s all excuses, Hadley.”

  “For what? I’ve done nothing wrong. Those pictures you saw, I have a feeling I was completely setup by Ian. I walked from his house back to my hotel and right before I got there, Cole showed up and told me that Ian was getting reports of me staggering in and out of bars. The next thing I know he’s picking me up. The flashes started immediately and I hid my face out of reaction, not out of embarrassment. I wish I would’ve punched him or something, but I was too shocked and didn’t realize what was going on until I was already in his car and the questions were being fired at me.”

  “And now you’re going on a tour with him. Is this supposed to make me feel good?”

  I sit down on the park bench. There are a few kids playing on the jungle gym. This is exactly what Hadley was looking at yesterday when she was stabbing me in the heart. How can something so innocent remind me of pain?

  “What do you want me to do?”

  “Not go on tour.” The words are out of my mouth before I know I’ve even said them. I close my eyes and wish for the darkness to swallow me up.

  “It’s my job.”

  “I know it is. I’m angry and upset. I don’t understand any of this. I miss you and the more I think about us and those pictures the more I get pissed off. Things seemed so much simpler when I didn’t know you.”

  “Ryan?” her voice cracks. I know my words hurt her, but it’s true. Before her I was just going through life as a blip. Then I met her and things changed. She made me feel alive and wanted. Now I just feel like shit.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. I didn’t have all these feelings before. This wouldn’t be happening if you weren’t famous and I don’t know how to handle all of this. I want to be with you, Hadley, but I’m not sure if you want the same things.”

  “I do, so much.”

  “It doesn’t feel like it. He had his hands on you and you allowed it. You let him hold you and touch you and I want to fucking scream. I don’t want to share you.”

  “I know,” she says softly.

  “If you know then why did you let it happen?”

  “By the time I realized what was happening, it was too late for me to stop it.”

  I lean forward, resting my elbows on my knees. My foot is shaking. If I don’t get off the phone with her soon, I’m going to explode. Maybe I need to hit something to take out this anger. I could ask Dylan to print off one of the photos and tape it to the wall so I can beat the crap out of it.

  “I don’t know what you want me to say. I don’t know how to handle all of this. I guess I should be thankful that no one knows about us because I’d be the laughing stock at school.”

  “Want me to tell everyone that I’m in love with you? Will that help make this easier for you?”

  “Definitely not.”

  “Then what, Ryan? Tell me and I’ll do it.”

  “I’ve told you, but it’s your job so what I think doesn’t matter. I gotta go.”

  “Why?”

  “Because Dylan’s here.”

  I hang-up before she has a chance to respond. I know it was a dirty thing to say, but I want her to feel the same pain that I’m feeling. Dylan sits down next to me and doesn’t say anything. I lean back and realize she’s a bit closer to me than usual. I don’t move. I let her leg press up against mine. I encourage it, in fact.

  CHAPTER 26

  Hadley

  His voice repeats in my head. You’d think I could remember something more pleasant,
but I don’t. I remember only ‘Dylan’. I want to believe that she found him because he’s ditching school and she’s there to be his friend, not the type to move in because she sees that he’s having trouble with me.

  Trouble we shouldn’t be having.

  I set down my phone and flip on the TV. Cole’s voice sings through the speakers, I change the channel quickly. I don’t want to be accused of enjoying his music while I’m being held captive, which reminds me, I need to call my parents and see what can be done about Ian. I’m not too keen on being kept in my hotel room by my ex; let alone keeping that information from my boyfriend. Somehow I think that had I let that little tidbit of information slip, I’d be single. I know I’d break-up with me if I were Ryan.

  I stop on a movie that’s playing. A woman is watching a guy and girl on a park bench. She’s looking at them with tears in her eyes. I pick up my phone and pull up Ryan’s name. His picture stares back at me, so handsome and sweet. I miss him and he needs to know that I do. Words are not enough under these circumstances. I look back at the room where Cole is and know what I have to do.

  “Cole?” I yell in my whiny pay-attention-to-me voice. He used to come running when we first started dating, but that soon turned into an eye-roll even though he’d do what I asked of him.

  He stands in the doorway, his arms raised over his head as he rests his hands on the door casing above him, causing his shirt to rise above his waistband. I look away. I don’t need to remember what he looks like. I spent years erasing those memories from my mind.

  “What do you need, Hadley Girl?” I hate pet names, especially from him. Maybe if Ryan gave me one I wouldn’t care, but the bare whisper of one makes me cringe. I look back at the man that ruined most of me and stick my tongue out, a completely mature act for someone my age.

  “I need some water and gum.”

  “Since when do you chew gum?”

  “Since now and the store downstairs doesn’t have the kind I want, so I’m letting you know that I’m going to the store.” I get up and straighten my jeans. I step over to the mirror and fluff my hair and play with my lipstick, all things that he’s used to seeing me do.

  “You’re not leaving.”

  I turn and glare at him. “You can’t hold me here, that’s called kidnapping. I’ll call the cops if I have to.”

  Cole steps forward, shuffling his bare feet on the floor. “Ian will kill me if I let you out. You can wait. We leave tomorrow for the tour. One day won’t kill you.”

  “Fine, I can wait for the gum, but not the water. I need water or I’ll die.”

  “You’re so dramatic, Hadley. There’s water in the wet bar, drink that.”

  I walk over to the wet bar and look. Sure enough there’s water, but not the kind I want. If he and Ian want to play games, they’ll suffer. “This won’t do. I don’t like this kind.”

  “Of course you don’t.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” I ask, placing my hands on my hips for added attention.

  “Nothing, I’ll go get your freaking water. You know,” he says as he slips on his shoes. “I never understood why you liked that generic water to begin with. You’re a freaking pop star. Drink the good shit.”

  “I never asked for your opinion, Coleman.”

  His eyes narrow when I say his name. He never did like me using his first name because it reminded him of his mother. I cock my eyebrow at him. He shakes his head as he heads for the door.

  “I’ll be back in five minutes. Don’t do anything stupid.”

  That’s what you think.

  The second the door shuts I lock it. I don’t care if he’s heard the lock engage or not. I need time to put a bag together and get out of here. Ian may be able to dictate where I perform, but he’s not going to screw up my personal life.

  With enough clothes for a few days and a couple of necessities, I sling my bag over my shoulder, pick up my phone and walk to the door. I hold my breath as I unlock it. I inch it open and cautiously look down the hall before opening it farther. I look in the other direction and only see one housekeeper. The path to the elevators is clear, but I’m not taking those. I jog down the hall to the stairwell and throw open the door.

  I descend one flight of stairs before pulling out my phone and texting Alex, asking her to call the concierge desk and secure me a cab. I don’t want to wait once I’m down there and run the risk of running into Cole, or even Ian, for that matter.

  I rush down the rest of the stairs, breaking a sweat. I’m thankful for elevators because I can’t imagine having to climb these, but the thrill of going down them so fast is exhilarating. When I get to the last step, only the door is standing between me and a bit of freedom. I push it open slightly and look for Cole and his harem of screaming fans that follow him around. That is one thing I could never get used to… his fans. He never cared if they followed us out on a date, or stopped us in the middle of dinner for an autograph. To him it was all business. To me it was an intrusive and unneeded deterrent in our relationship. It was like I was sharing him with the world and I hated it.

  I walk down the long hall with my head down, sunglasses on. I wish I had put on a baseball cap or something to hide my hair, not from fans, but from Cole. I need this to work. I need to be with Ryan so he knows that he’s the one and that being with Cole on tour won’t change how I feel about him.

  As soon as I’m out in the open, I spot the cab that is waiting for me. The driver is holding a sign with Alex’s name on it. She’s a freaking genius. I walk a bit faster until he makes eye contact, I wave and he opens the door.

  “Airport,” I tell him as soon as he’s behind the wheel. “And please hurry,” I say for added benefit. I look back at the hotel as we pull away and wonder if Cole has been back to the room yet and realize I don’t really care. If Ian is doing this as some type of publicity stunt, he’s in for a rude awakening because I won’t be his guinea pig. I’d rather quit and never sing again than be thrown into his world of lies and deception.

  Traffic is light and for that I’m thankful. The drive to the airport only takes twenty minutes and yes, the driver exceeded the speed limit. I hop out as soon as he stops, throwing money onto his passenger seat. He says something, but I don’t acknowledge him. I look at the reader board to find the next available flight, one that will get me to Jackson or close enough that I can drive there.

  My phone vibrates with a text from Alex. Your ticket is at the counter. Regular airline.

  I can’t help but laugh at how vague she’s being, talking in code. I run to our favorite airline and wait patiently, looking over my shoulder for Cole’s blond hair. He has to know I’m gone by now and where I’m headed, unless of course he met a girl on his way to the store and became sidetracked. It wouldn’t be the first time he’s forgotten about me.

  With my ticket in hand and through security I finally feel as if I’m breathing. Although there are still issues weighing heavily on my chest, seeing Ryan will help. Even if we only have a few hours, it’ll be enough for me to tell him exactly how I feel and how much he means to me.

  When I step onto the jet bridge I look behind me one more time. Satisfied that I’m not being followed, I descend down the walkway and onto the plane. I didn’t look at my ticket until now and realize I’m not flying first class. I want to scream at Alex, but figure she did this to keep Ian off my tail. I’ll have to buy her a nice present.

  I’m anxious as the plane touches down. My leg has been bouncing for the last hour of the flight. I know I’m probably annoying the lady next to me, but I can’t help it. I turn on my phone and wait, counting the seconds before my inbox floods with text messages. There are only two people I want to hear from: Ryan and Alex. The rest of them can leave me alone for the next couple of days while I fix my life.

  I’m becoming more and more agitated as I wait for people to deplane. This process is so slow and I don’t know how more people aren’t scrambling to fly first class. When I’m finally on the jet bridge
, I run to the rental counter. I’m banking on Alex having already set this up for me. It dawns on me that Ian would know which rental company I like so I look around and try to think like Alex. I spot the company that she is always making fun of and head there. I give the lady behind the counter my name and she smiles. I’m hoping it’s because she has a reservation for me, not because she’s a fan and is planning on asking for my autograph. Of course, if I would’ve developed a fake name like Alex has suggested so many times, I could avoid a potential situation like this.

  The clerk hands me my paperwork and keys. I fill out the necessary information and head for the parking garage where my car is waiting. Just over an hour until I can hold and kiss him.

  That is, if he’ll come to me.

  One hour and thirty minutes later, I reach the Brookfield town line and I realize I don’t remember his address. I had it once, when I invited him to the charity ball, but never added it to my phone. I think about driving around, but wouldn’t know where to go. I know he said the town is divided and remember him saying he wouldn’t want me at his house.

  I find the church easily enough and park, shutting off the car. I never took into consideration what time I’d arrive. I just needed to get here before it was too late. For all I know it already is. He hasn’t texted me, only Ian, Cole and Alex have.

  I pull out my phone and type I’m at your church and hit send before my heart tells me to chicken out and go back home. Maybe I’m not good for Ryan, maybe Dylan is the type of girl he needs, the kind that understands where he’s from.

  All I know is that Ryan is who I need. He’s the air that I breathe in order to live. He’s different and makes me different, too. The love that I feel for him is nothing like what I felt for Cole. I ache when I’m not with Ryan. I’ve been a fool to think that being apart would be okay.

  I look at my phone, willing it to ring, giving me any sign that he’s on his way. For all I know, I’m too late. He could be tired of me already and I wouldn’t blame him if he were. I’m not sure I’d be able to let him go though. I’m in too deep.