All of Me: A Confessions of the Heart Stand-Alone Novel

by Jackson, A. L.

  Tear through it like some kind of wildman set on staking a claim.

  Take her.

  I stood there, glaring daggers at the wood. Cursing its existence, hands clenched in grueling restraint.

  I jumped about fifteen fucking feet in the air when the voice hit me from the side. “How about a drink, brother?”

  My head whipped Jace’s direction where he’d moved to the head of the hall, arms stretched out to rest on the walls as he watched me with a mix of speculation and amusement.

  I ran both my hands over the top of my head. “Need about ten of them after the day I’ve had.”

  Jace’s gaze traveled over my disheveled appearance. Shirt fucking shredded, soiled with blood, and my pants wrinkled and covered in dirt. “Found yourself a bit of trouble, yeah?”

  A chuckle almost slid free. “You could say that.”

  He turned and started for the curved staircase. “Won’t act like I wasn’t shocked when I got your call.”

  Following behind him, I huffed out a sigh as we hit the first-floor landing of the enormous home. Everything restored, oozing character and charm and an old-world Southern elegance.

  Still, there was something haunting about it, like the walls held a thousand secrets, and if you put your ear against one, you could hear the voices screaming out.

  Jace led me into the parlor where an old-fashioned bar was set up. Wasn’t too hard to imagine the shit that must have gone down in there over the years.

  Today, it still had all the original dark, carved wood, and it was furnished with antique sofas and a vintage settee.

  I sank into one of the ornate stools while he went behind the bar and poured a tumbler of my favorite scotch. He slid it to me. I took a big gulp as he poured one for himself.

  He took a sip and then pressed both his palms to the bar.

  “Well?”

  Another sigh, and I dropped my head, shaking it. “Got in deep, man.”

  “No shit.”

  I ran the back of my hand over my lips and tried to figure out what to tell him when I felt like I didn’t know a goddamned thing. “She’s going through a nasty custody battle.”

  “That’s rough.” But he was eyeing me, clearly knowing there was more.

  I exhaled all the air from my lungs before I was sucking for more. Like it might offer some clarity. “Reed Dearborne.”

  He choked on his scotch, liquid spewing out and splattering on the glossy wood. He grabbed a napkin and ran it over his mouth. “You’re serious?”

  “Do I look like I’m joking?” I took a deep pull of the amber fluid, welcoming the burn as it raced down my throat.

  “He’s trying to declare her an unfit mother and using it as a lure to force her back to him.” Could barely cut free the explanation.

  Jace pursed his lips. “From what I’ve seen, the guy’s a prick.”

  That feeling knotted up in my throat, and the words were raw when I forced them out. “He’s a sick bastard. I . . . I found him trying to force himself on her yesterday afternoon. I’d filed for an emergency injunction granting her full temporary custody until we could go to trial. An hour later, he was tipped off by the judge. He showed at her house.”

  He pointed at the blood splattered on my shirt. “And I take it that was the result.”

  “Yup,” I said, taking a swill.

  “God, you weren’t lying when you said you got yourself in deep.”

  “Gets worse.” I looked at my older brother, shaking my head, anger and fear strangling my heart. “I went over to his place tonight, just to stake it out. Make sure the prick wasn’t contemplating a repeat.”

  Alarm tightened everything, guts screaming. “Bennet was there.”

  The bottom of his glass thumped on the wood when he dropped it away from his mouth. “Ian.”

  Fear climbed into his voice. The same kind of fear I was feeling. An affirmation that I wasn’t being crazy and linking things together that didn’t fit. That I wasn’t off on some crazy tangent and making assumptions.

  Scum found scum.

  Just like I’d always said.

  Just the way Bennet had found me, no doubt he’d found Reed.

  “Reed could just as easily be involved in Bennet’s legitimate business as he could the shady. Doesn’t prove anything.” Jace was trying to sound resolute. Clearly trying to come up with a solution that didn’t put my neck on the chopping block.

  “You and I both know legitimate doesn’t go down at two o’clock in the morning.”

  “How the hell would those two be tied?”

  “Not sure, but I will find out. No question in my mind that whatever it is, it will be the key to setting Grace and her kids free from that bastard. Don’t care what it takes to figure it out. I’m going to do it.”

  Jace just stared at me. Shock written all over him.

  “You love her.”

  “No.” It shot from my mouth with the velocity of a bullet.

  He laughed out a disbelieving sound. “You think I’m an idiot, Ian? You think I don’t know there’s something more going on between you two? It’s so thick, the rest of us are choking on it.”

  I blinked out what I hoped looked like denial.

  “You going to sit there and tell me you haven’t slept with her?”

  My tongue locked up, so fat and thick it got stuck to the roof of my mouth.

  A rough chuckle escaped him. “You’re sleeping with your client . . . that’s the one thing you’d never do . . . put your career on the line for a piece of ass.”

  “She’s not a piece of ass.” The rebuttal whipped out harder than I intended, teeth gritting as I leaned his direction.

  He nodded. “Exactly my point.”

  He huffed out a frustrated sigh, and he lowered his voice. “There’s no shame in loving someone, Ian, and there’s nothing wrong with letting someone love you in return. You deserve it. You are the most loyal man I know. You’ve lived alone for too long. You think I don’t see it? The way you’ve been filling your life with meaningless things? You think I don’t know that you’re covering up for everything that we went through as kids?”

  His head shook. “But pretending that it didn’t happen doesn’t take it away. Those scars are always going to be there until you face them. You deserve to live again.”

  In another life.

  In another life.

  Pain lashed through my insides, and my face pinched in disgust.

  All of it was aimed directly at myself. “You don’t know me, Jace. You don’t know the things I’ve done. I don’t deserve anything but to rot.”

  He scoffed. “I know you better than anyone, and I know you care about that girl upstairs. And I know you care about her kids.”

  “I can’t,” I choked, fear constricting. Tightening and suffocating. I wheezed in a breath. “I won’t be the one to ruin them.”

  Jace downed the rest of his drink. Setting his empty on the bar, he pointed at me. “Think the only thing you’ve ruined is yourself.”

  If he only fucking knew.

  He planted his hands back onto the wood, angling his head. “Maybe it’s time you stop and figure out what it is you really want. Because believe me . . . once you love, there’s no going back. And when you realize you let that go because you were too stupid and stubborn to hold on to it? When you missed out on the only thing that really mattered? Believe me, brother, that’s when you’ll discover what it’s like to really hate yourself.”

  “I have one goal, and that’s to become partner. To get one step closer to taking over the firm. That’s what it’s always been. I win this case, and I gain everything I’ve ever wanted.” Every word was goddamned sand. Lies I couldn’t tell myself fast enough to make myself believe what I was saying.

  “That so?” he challenged.

  “That’s so.”

  He pushed away from the bar and walked toward the carved archway, pausing to look back at me. “Then I guess you’re a bigger fool than I thought.”

&n
bsp; Disappointed, Jace walked out, thinking he knew me. That I deserved more.

  Thinking I was being selfish.

  What he didn’t get was I could never keep them.

  Not when I didn’t deserve anything at all.

  Thirty-Two

  Ian

  I stumbled down the sweeping staircase, roughing a hand through my bedhead and subduing a yawn as I followed the clatter of noise banging around from the bottom floor.

  All the bedrooms had been empty.

  At six o’clock in the damned morning.

  I tried not to shake my head, tried to fight all the anxiety surrounding all of this. Tried to shove it down into that deep pit where I knew it would only fester.

  I’d woken up—feeling different. Like maybe I was a heartbeat from changing a philosophy or two. Clinging to that ridiculous notion that everything would turn out the way it was supposed to.

  Yeah fucking right.

  It was the only thought in my head as I walked into the enormous kitchen and was slammed with the chaos going down inside.

  I froze in the middle of it, mouth gaping open and eyes going wide.

  Beyoncé was blasting through the room from the overhead speakers, giving all the single ladies instructions on how to wrap their men around their finger. Mallory was dancing around, waving her hand in the air, and Bailey was following her around like she’d found her long lost BFF, trying to keep up with the lyrics that she clearly didn’t know.

  Oh, but Mallory did. She was singing them at the top of her lungs.

  Sophie Marie was standing in place, bouncing low, her diapered butt nearly hitting the floor every time she dropped it like it was hot.

  My eyes just got wider when my attention landed on my badass brother. He held Benton facing out, the baby kicking his arms and legs and letting loose the tiniest sounds of laughter, while my brother danced and bounced his son as he sang along.

  Dude was waving his free hand in the air—his very ringed finger, mind you—right in the middle of the little girls.

  Wasn’t even sure who was the instigator of this madness.

  Thomas stood at the island singing just below his breath while he cracked some eggs into a bowl, listening intently while Faith gave him instructions.

  As easy as could be.

  Obviously, the entire world had lost its mind overnight.

  Oh, wait, no, that was me.

  Because my damned breath hitched, and my pulse went haywire when my gaze continued to glide across the country kitchen that was the heart of this historic home, and I found Grace standing at the stove, pouring round dollops of pancake batter onto a griddle.

  Her tight ass rocking all over the place.

  Rocking me.

  Tossing me from solid ground.

  I took a step forward into the alternate universe. Not a damned familiar stone beneath my feet.

  Mallory was the first to notice that I’d entered.

  She danced right over, throwing her hands in the air. “Ian-Zian, I thought you were going to sleep the whole day and you were going to miss our adventure and it’s the best adventure in the whole world. I got a new best friend. Her name is Bailey. She loves adventures, too.”

  She waved an exuberant hand at my niece like she was introducing me to a stranger. The second Bailey saw me, she started jumping around, too.

  “Uncle Ian, Uncle Ian, you spent the night! I’ve been missin’ you. Did you go huntin’?” She looked around the room, her voice turning serious. “My uncle is a dog. Just ask my dad.”

  That was the exact time Faith lowered the volume. You know, just in time for Bailey to emphasize the fact.

  All eyes locked on me.

  I was pretty sure I needed to find some slippers and tap my heels three times or some shit because I’d been swept into a tornado.

  Problem was that those would be the wrong damned kind of shoes. Because my battered Cinderella turned around.

  The second those eyes landed on me, they set me on fire. But it was the softness playing around her lush mouth that had the dark spot in my chest doing crazy things.

  She looked so damned happy, like she belonged right there in the middle of my family.

  Like this was the place where she felt safest.

  Like she was getting lost in the warmth. Adding to it. Shining all that light and understanding.

  “A dog?” Mallory asked, twisting the word around and drawing it out like she was completely confused.

  “Yup. Daddy said his brover is nofin’ but a dog. Isn’t that right, Daddy?”

  A smirk climbed to Jace’s smug mouth, and he was looking directly at me when he said, “Yup, nothing but a dog who looks like he could use a good scratch.”

  Asshole delivered it with a load of innuendo. None of his disappointment from last night came through. He was back to being my big brother who thought it was his job to give me shit.

  Grace cupped her hand over her mouth like she was trying to hold back a laugh, and Thomas was looking on with overt fascination. Didn’t even want to consider whether he might be able to pick up on any of this. The kid was so smart and intuitive and protective.

  If I wasn’t careful, he’d probably kick my ass and with good reason.

  Hell, I kind of wanted to kick my own ass.

  “Jace,” Faith chastised softly, barely heard over the music as she angled her head.

  Jace shrugged. “What?”

  Faith glanced at Grace and then back at him. “We have guests.”

  Grace waved her off with the spatula that was in her hand. “It’s fine. I only wished I had a brother or sister to give me a hard time.”

  “And sometimes I wish I didn’t have one,” I grumbled under my breath.

  Jace laughed, not offended for a second. “Ha. You’d be flipping burgers if it wasn’t for me.”

  If only that were the case.

  Jace believed he’d gotten out of prison and worked his ass off to give me my dream.

  For years, I’d lied to my brother.

  Told him I was just a smart fucker who kept getting scholarships and grants.

  In reality, it’d been Bennet who’d funded most of my college.

  At the time, I’d believed I was taking a load off my brother but, really, I’d only been digging myself a deep grave. Looking back, I wondered if it wouldn’t be better if my ass wasn’t still working some pathetic, bottom-of-the-barrel job.

  At least it’d be honest.

  My gaze moved to Grace, who watched me with soft affection, like she wasn’t standing right in the middle of a raging storm.

  Trying to brave the surge.

  Keep her head above water.

  My chest tightened.

  No.

  I wouldn’t take any of it back. Not for a second. Helping her family might be the only truly honest thing I’d ever done. Didn’t matter what it cost me. It’d be worth it.

  Everything about Grace softened, and she looked at me standing there in all my discomfort like I might be the best thing she’d ever seen.

  Like I was better.

  Different.

  Her genuine gaze traveled to my brother, words nothing but adoration. “Thank God you helped Ian become who he is today. I’m not sure what we would do without him.”

  “We kind of like him,” Faith said, affection in her voice.

  I wasn’t sure I’d ever felt like such a fucking imposter.

  Didn’t these people know me at all?

  I wasn’t a good guy.

  And there I was, in their house, acting like I could be. Like I was someone else.

  Never was there more proof of that than when Sophie was suddenly at my feet, her little hands tugging at my sleep pants, the child all toothy grins and white pigtails when she looked at me. “Ian. Up. Up!”

  Unease sloshed through my veins. God damn it. But there I was, reaching down and picking her up.

  Excited, she smacked at my cheeks with both her hands, trying to get my attention when the only thing I
could focus on was the feel of the child in my arms.

  “Hi!” she squealed, smacking my face more, her eyes searching mine, like she was trying to climb right inside.

  Didn’t think any of this had fully hit me until right then. What was truly riding on me not fucking this up.

  These were Grace’s babies.

  The beat of her heart and the reason of her being.

  Fear clamored through my senses, and I was suddenly having a bitch of a time breathing.

  She shifted in my hold and pointed at Grace. “Mommy make pancakes!”

  I choked down the overwhelming emotion that thrashed and spun and proceeded to force out the words. “Is your mommy making pancakes?”

  Could feel everything constricting. Pressure rising.

  I couldn’t fail them. Couldn’t. I had no idea where that would leave me if I did.

  Sophie nodded emphatically, still pointing at her mother. “Ian want?”

  Yeah, Ian wanted. So goddamned bad.

  But Ian couldn’t have.

  I kept having to remind myself of that shit.

  Grace let loose a soft giggle. “I hope so because I’m pretty sure there is enough food here to feed an army.”

  I moved that way, not even able to stop myself from edging up behind her. I was still holding her kid as I looked over her shoulder.

  A selfish asshole could get used to this shit.

  My voice lowered, and I breathed that energy in, letting it sustain me, knowing we were undoubtedly going to need that army she was about to feed. “Did you sleep okay last night?”

  She peeked up at me. Blue eyes fathomless. Rays of sunlight streaking through to touch the bottom of the deepest sea.

  Chaos had struck up in the kitchen again when Mallory called to Faith, “Turn it up, Auntie Faith! This one is my favorite, favorite!”

  Surprise, surprise, The Spice Girls.

  But what really tilted the floor to the side was the fact the kid was calling my sister-in-law Auntie.

  She and Bailey were back to dancing with my brother, and Faith laughed her encouragement as she helped Thomas make another batch of pancake batter.

  Still, Grace’s voice left her on a whisper, like it was meant only for the two of us.