All of Me: A Confessions of the Heart Stand-Alone Novel

by Jackson, A. L.

  Ian-Zian, you’re invited to our party and it is the specialest party ever and the best one, too. Please come. We need you!

  Love,

  Mal Pal

  Date was today. Gut told me it wasn’t a coincidence. They’d planned it, knew when I was getting out.

  Just wasn’t sure I could stand in front of them now that all my sins were out there for the world to see. I mean, what kind of fucking influence would I be then?

  I’d always known I wasn’t good enough to be in their space. Now they had the proof of it.

  I’d given up everything for Grace and her kids.

  Maybe it was some sort of fucked-up atonement. A worthless soul trying to make amends for the weight of all its wrongs.

  The reason didn’t matter. The only thing that mattered was she and her family were safe. They got to live the kind of life they deserved.

  It was the one good thing I’d ever done.

  Thought it was best to leave it at that.

  Faith stepped forward and wrapped me in the welcome of her arms. Her sweetness all around. “Welcome home, Ian. We missed you.”

  “Where are my sweet niece and nephew?”

  God, how much I’d missed them, too. Another effect Grace had left etched on me.

  Faith stepped back and held me by my forearms, smiling so softly it almost made me itchy. “We dropped them off at my parents’. All Bailey kept saying was she couldn’t wait for Uncle Ian to get home from his hunting trip. She can’t wait to see you.”

  I choked out a laugh and shot an accusing glare at my brother. Asshole just shrugged. “What? Seemed like a plenty good explanation to me.”

  I laughed it off, glancing between the two of them, no pretenses left to find. “Thank you for being here.”

  Jace squeezed my shoulder. “We wouldn’t be anywhere else, man. Told you, I couldn’t be prouder of the man you are.”

  I could hardly speak, so I just gave a nod as I climbed into the backseat of the SUV.

  He started it, and he pulled out onto the rural road.

  As the prison faded into the distance, a tension filled the air, the awareness that things were never going to be the same.

  Like he’d become a partner to my thoughts, Jace glanced at me through the rearview mirror. “Know your life looks different now, Ian.”

  I was no longer an attorney.

  Disbarred.

  With good reason.

  Goals shot.

  Thing was, it was all my doing. I’d been stepping on the wrong rungs when I’d been climbing that ladder.

  Too much of a fool to realize I hadn’t been climbing at all.

  I’d been a puppet. Played by a man who’d wielded too much power and possessed nothing but wickedness.

  I was still struggling with the fact that he’d fathered me. Was still trying to come to grips with the fact he had been responsible for the death of my mother, Reed in the middle of it, each of us pawns in his twisted game.

  Agony lanced through my chest. Spikes and barbs.

  I had no idea how I was going to forgive myself for what I’d done.

  Jace sighed, roughed a hand through his hair. “I want you to consider coming to work with me.”

  My head mildly shook. “The last thing you need is my name associated with your business. You’ve worked too hard. Not going to fuck that up.”

  His eyes flicked my direction before his attention was back on the road. “And now I want to work with you. You feel shame over your past, Ian? Only thing I feel when it comes to you is pride. You are exactly the kind of man I want working at my side.”

  Faith glanced at me from over her shoulder, her smile soft. Her stance clear. She wanted me there, too.

  “I . . . I think I’m going to have to figure shit out on my own. Who I am, and who I want to be. And I need to do it the right way. No skipping steps.”

  Jace smiled, a soft nod. “Well, if you want to figure out those steps next to me, that door is always going to be open. And this isn’t your big brother doing you a favor. This is a businessman who knows when a partner will be an asset.”

  He had taken a few turns deeper into the city, the minimum-security prison where I’d been held only about twenty minutes out of town. Way too cushy, if I were being honest. But I’d had a ton of time to reflect.

  But coming to terms with all this bullshit was going to take more than six months behind bars.

  “I appreciate that more than you know.”

  “Just . . . tell me you’ll at least consider it.”

  “Okay,” I agreed, not sure how to even picture it. What my life was going to be like now that the one thing I’d chased forever was gone.

  Funny thing was, I didn’t even want it anymore.

  It’d all come down to one case. One case that mattered.

  One case that didn’t even end up needing a trial.

  Hers.

  My pulse spiked as her face flashed in my mind. The girl written on me in a way that should be impossible.

  Jace made another turn, and I frowned. “Where are we going? Thought you were dropping me off at my place?”

  Faith shifted in her seat, and Jace didn’t look at me when he took another turn into a parking lot. “You’re going, Ian. You’ll regret it if you don’t.”

  God, they knew about whatever this party was. Were in on it. Unease tumbled through my guts. “I’ve been away a long time. Think it would be best if you took me home first. Think I need to wrap my mind around being free.”

  “You want to be here, Ian. Trust me,” Jace said as he pulled into a vacant parking spot and killed the engine.

  Trust me.

  God.

  I roughed a hand through my hair, shaking when I slipped out of the car, nerves instantly wracking through my body.

  Like I could feel the shift.

  Something big bounding my way.

  Twilight hung on the horizon, the hot day giving way to the trill of bugs that were all too eager to welcome the cooler night.

  We parked in a lot beside a local bookstore.

  One that had been there for forever. One I’d walked passed a million times, doing little more than glancing at it.

  The parking lot was jam-packed.

  Cars lined the street when they couldn’t find a spot.

  It was the first time I’d noticed the way they were dressed. My brother in a suit, and Faith in a pretty dress and heels, her dark hair done up. But it was her expression that got to me, something that almost looked like sympathy all mixed up with a brilliant, shining hope.

  Faith stretched her hand out for me. “You’re supposed to be here, Ian. They need you. And I know you need them, too.”

  Jace lifted his chin at me.

  No challenge in his stance but believing that I’d step up and be the man he’d always told me I’d be.

  Agitation rushed through my veins, and my heart started pounding so damned hard I could feel my pulse in my ears.

  Deafening.

  Or maybe it was just my soul.

  Crying out.

  Feeling it.

  That intensity I could feel rising up my legs.

  Dragging me closer.

  I swallowed hard, and my feet planted against the ground. Body frozen in a shroud of fear. “I’m not sure I can go in there.”

  I didn’t have an answer as to why.

  I just knew I couldn’t.

  That it was too much, the buzz of energy that radiated back.

  “You need to see this, Ian. You’ll regret it for the rest of your life if you don’t,” Jace told me.

  Fear clamored through my senses. This shame that I could never be the good guy.

  That I was bad.

  The devil.

  But I didn’t want to be him anymore.

  Beating back the demons howling from my soul, I gave them a tight nod and followed them around the old building.

  Anticipation billowed, unease and excitement.

  Could feel the greatness radiat
ing from the brick walls.

  Something good and right.

  Jace swung open the door, guiding his wife inside, glancing back at me in some kind of silent invitation.

  To step up.

  To be the man he’d tried to teach me to be when I’d been just a kid.

  I’d thought that meteor in my throat had already crashed to the ground and obliterated everything, nothing but dust and destruction in its wake. But there it was, bobbing so heavy I could barely see when I stepped into the old bookstore.

  Tons of old books lined the shelves. Other displays boasted new titles and the latest bestsellers.

  But I saw none of that. Only thing I could see was the crowd that had gathered for a signing at the back of the room, the long, excited line twisting all the way back through the aisles of shelves.

  It was the woman sitting behind the table, her blonde hair tumbling down around one shoulder as she angled her head and signed a big book that stunned me.

  Knocked the breath right out of me.

  Kick-started my damned heart that until right that very moment had forgotten to beat.

  My battered Cinderella.

  My Angel Girl.

  This girl who I’d had all wrong. She wasn’t close to being broken.

  She was real and perfect and whole.

  The bright, bright light in the middle of my darkness.

  She smiled and handed the book back to the little girl who was waiting for it.

  It was big and square and illustrated.

  A children’s book.

  My chest squeezed, and Jace and Faith started walking that direction. That was when I saw Faith’s parents up close to the table, Mack dressed up and chatting with them.

  The sweetest kind of torture speared me when I saw Thomas wearing a suit where he stood next to them, holding a cup of punch while he looked around in awe.

  Little Sophie Marie was on the ground coloring something.

  It was Mallory who saw me first.

  Her face split into the biggest smile. Big enough to shatter the earth.

  She gasped and threw her arms in the air. “Ian-Zian the Great!” She dropped the animated conversation she was having with Bailey.

  She snatched one of the books from the table by her mother and came bounding my direction.

  Energy and light.

  She skidded to a stop a foot away, holding out the book, so proud. “Ian, look it, you got your very own book! Ian-Zian the Great Saves the Ruby Prince and the Priceless Princesses. That’s because he’s our hero and we love him so, so, so much! I got to help Mom write all the words and then she found someone so special to color all the pages and now we’re going to sell them and it’s going to be a bestseller! I told you I was a writer and I was going to sell all the books!”

  My chest tremored. Ripples of waves. Quivers of emotion that kept rolling in. Getting greater with each second that passed.

  No ebbing. It was just a constant flow.

  My lips parted, awe taking hold of me when I reached out and took the book, eyes moving over the cover.

  It depicted a toppled castle tower. A dragon circling overhead. A prince that wore a ruby crown, and two tiny princesses cheering, a big diamond pendant on the older one, a sapphire ring on the small, small child, the beautiful handmaiden who looked a whole lot like Cinderella at their side.

  I was in the middle of it, holding the sword of a saint.

  Staggered, I squeezed my eyes closed, not sure how to accept that this was the way they viewed me.

  Like I was their hero when I’d been the one to blame. When I’d been so close to ruining everything for Grace and her family because I’d gone after a girl I knew I could never keep.

  Then my staggered world froze when Grace looked up, that sea of bottomless blue capturing me.

  Taking me over.

  Flooding me with so much love I didn’t know how to stand.

  She stood slowly, like she was in her own shock, unsure that I would come.

  Her sweet body trembled all over.

  But it was her belly that was big and round that sent me reeling forward, feet barely functioning as I fumbled across the space.

  Drawn.

  Energy lashing.

  Awareness and need and awe.

  She rounded the table, those eyes so tender, her heart so sweet.

  I dropped to my knees at her feet.

  Because it was the girl who had knocked me off of mine.

  My hands went to her round stomach, shivers streaking through me at the contact, and her fingers threaded softly through my hair.

  “Ian,” she whispered.

  A prayer.

  My solace.

  Moisture gathered in my eyes, and I pressed my forehead to her belly.

  Overcome.

  “Grace,” I murmured.

  My answer.

  Because there were some moments in your life when you knew things would never be the same.

  I knew I was still messed up. That I had so much to conquer. To realize and forgive and learn.

  And still, I knew, right then that this was where I had been meant to be heading all along.

  For the first time ever, in all my life, I felt peace.

  True, unmitigated peace.

  Mallory was dancing around at my side. “And we get a baby! Did you know that, Ian? We get a baby and it’s a boy and I think his name should be Zian Number Two, but Mom said we have to wait so you can decide with us. What do you think?”

  I looked up at Grace who was gazing down at me.

  Adoration covering me.

  Rushing and pummeling.

  I pushed to my feet, and her chest heaved, the hammer of her heart fierce, beating for mine. “I’m so glad you came.”

  She glanced around the room. “I needed you to be here for this. I needed it so badly, and I wasn’t sure that you would. Still . . . I believed it. Believed in you, that you would come back to us.”

  My fingers fluttered down the side of her cheek. Unable to keep from touching her. “I’m not sure I deserve to be here.”

  Devotion oozed from Grace’s expression, everything so intense as she spoke to me, “You deserve this more than anyone. You deserve everything. You saved us. Sacrificed in a way I never could have asked anyone to do. You’ve loved me in a way no one has ever loved me. You deserve to live, Ian. And I know I’m still asking so much of you. But I can’t pretend like I don’t want more. That I don’t want it all. All of you.”

  Thomas had come to our sides, holding little Sophie’s hand, and Mallory was dancing around, still holding her book.

  Emotion surged.

  Overpowering.

  Everything I never imagined I could have.

  A family.

  I didn’t think I’d ever been so scared in my life.

  Or ever so sure of anything.

  “I’m terrified, Grace. Terrified of what I feel for you. For them. For this.” I touched her stomach that shouted of new life.

  Of new chances.

  Hands shaking like crazy, I burrowed my fingers into Grace’s hair, cupping her on either side of the neck and running my thumbs along her jaw. No fucks given that we had an audience.

  That people were watching.

  Hell, I wanted the world to know.

  “I love you, Grace. So much. I never wanted it. Not until I met you. You showed me what that meant. You showed me what mattered.”

  Her mouth trembled with emotion, those blue eyes brimming with moisture. “I love you, Ian Jacobs. Stay with me. Forever. Let’s live again.”

  “Forever and ever,” I murmured, the quiet promise rising from my spirit. “You have all of me.”

  My eyes dropped to those sweet, lush lips. I dipped down and captured her mouth.

  A profession.

  A claim.

  A promise.

  Kisses are only for the ones you love most.

  Pride billowed, and I was smiling against her mouth, unable to stop.

  She was l
aughing under it, curling her fingers in my shirt.

  Everyone cheered.

  “I love you,” I whispered again, looking down when I felt something tugging at my pants.

  Sophie had her little hands fisted in the material, grinning up at me with her trusting smile. She lifted her arms, and I picked her up, my spirit trembling when I did.

  Mallory wrapped her arms around one of my legs, hugging me tight. “I love you, Ian-Zian, the greatest hero in all the land. But you’re a real kind of hero, did you know that? You saved us forever.”

  My heart tremored, and I ran my fingers through her pin-straight hair as she smiled up at me. “I think it’s you who saved me.”

  I glanced around at all of them. “All of you.”

  Thomas didn’t seem to quite know what to do, and I met his stoic gaze, praying he could see.

  Like he got it, felt it, he rushed for us and threw his arms around Grace and me.

  “I’m so glad you came back,” he cried, his face buried in the lower part of my chest.

  “Where else could I go?”

  I pressed my face into Grace’s neck, against the steady, unwavering beat of her pulse.

  Where else could I go?

  The five of us just stood there. Hugging tight. Refusing to let go.

  Right where we belonged.

  Forever and ever.

  Epilogue

  Ian

  The barest breeze whispered through the branches, a slow, mournful cry that twisted through the heavens.

  I stood at her grave that was marked by a cheap, flat stone, the etching only her name and the dates that marked her birth and her death.

  There were no claims of beloved mother or daughter or wife. There were no scriptures or sayings about a soul lost too soon that would never be forgotten.

  A shiver raced down my spine when the presence stepped up beside me. Grace threaded her fingers through mine.

  My support.

  My consolation.

  My reason.

  I squeezed her hand tightly, my chest stretched so tight I was struggling to pull a breath into my lungs, grief a blur in my eyes as I inched forward and knelt at the place where my mother had been laid to rest.

  And I prayed that she was.