The Door Into Fire totf-1

by Диана Дуэйн

  She was back in her work-day garb, the plain homespun shirt and breeches, the boots, the worn gray apron; her hair was braided again into a crown of coiled plaits. Though she was no less beautiful, she seemed to have doffed her power, and Herewiss began to wonder whether much of their night encounter mightn't have been a dream provoked by good wine. But she returned his glance, and smiled, winking at him and patting one of her pockets, which bulged conspicuously. Then back she went into the kitchen.

  Herewiss reached for a mug of honey-water, and a plate to put eggs on.

  'How was it?' Dritt said to Segnbora.

  Segnbora smiled grimly and put a fried egg down his shirt.

  When it was time to go, they gathered outside the door that faced the ferry, and the innkeeper brought out their horses. First Lang's and Dritt's, then Harald's and Moris's, and then Segnbora's and Freelorn's. Herewiss watched as the lady spoke a word or two in Segnbora's ear, and when Segnbora smiled back at her, shyly, with affection, Herewiss felt something odd run through him. A pang, a small pain under the breastbone. He laughed at

  himself, a breath of ruefulness and amusement. Why am I feeling this way? Am I so selfish that I can't stand the thought of someone else sharing Her the same night I did? What silliness. After last night, I'm full in places I didn't even know were empty. Such joy – to know that the Goddess Who made the world and everything in it is holding you and telling you that She loves you, all of you, even the parts that need changing –I should rejoice with Segnbora, for from the look on her face this morning, she has known the joy too . . .

  The lady brought out Sunspark last of all. To judge by the arch of his neck and the light grace of his walk, he was in remarkably good temper. When Herewiss took the reins, the lady bent her head close to his.

  'It's in the saddlebag,' she said. 'Remember me.' 'I will.'

  'I'll remember you. You understand me — somewhat better than most.' And she smiled at him; a little reflective, that smile, a little reminiscent, almost wistful …

  Herewiss swung up on to Sunspark's back; the others were already ahorse, awaiting him.

  'Good luck to you all,' said the innkeeper, 'and whatever your business is in the Waste, I hope you come back safe.'

  They bade her farewell in a ragged but enthusiastic chorus, and rode off to the ferry. There was not much talk among them until they crossed the river; though Sunspark bespoke Herewiss smugly as they waited for the second group to make the crossing.

  (The lady is likely to lose her guests' horses, the way she keeps her stable,) it said.

  (Oh?)

  (She left my stall open. Did you know there are wild horses hereabouts?)

  (It wouldn't surprise me.) (And what horses! Look.)

  Herewiss closed his eyes and slipped a little way into Sunspark's mind. It was twilight there, and the plain to the west was softly limned and shadowed by the rising Moon. And standing atop a rise like a statue of ivory and silver, motionless but for the wind in the white mane and the softly glimmering tail, there was a horse. A mare.

  (How beautiful,) Herewiss said. (So?) (It was an interesting evening.)

  (I thought you didn't understand that kind of union,) Herewiss said.

  (The body has its own instincts, it would seem,) Sunspark answered, with a slow inward smile. (It will be interesting to try on a human body and see what happens . . .)

  Herewiss withdrew, with just a faint touch of unease. He wasn't sure he wanted to be involved in the experiment that Sunspark was proposing.

  (But there was something more to it all than that,) Sunspark went on, sounding pleased and puzzled both at once. (When first I saw . . . her … I thought she was of my own kind, for she was fire as well. And I was afraid, for I am not yet ready for that union which ends in glory, in the dissolution of selves and the emergence of progeny. Yet . . . there was union . . . and a glory even surpassing that of which I have been told. And I am still one . . .)

  (What happened to the mare?)

  (Oh, she lived,) Sunspark said with a flick of its golden tail. (By your standards or by mine?)

  (Yours. Even had things not gone as they did, I would have been far too interested to have consumed her.)

  (I'm glad to hear it . . .)

  Herewiss opened his eyes to watch Segnbora, Dritt, and Freelorn approach, pulling on the ferry-rope. Dritt was facing back toward the opposite bank, looking at the lone figure that stood and watched them. Experimentally, Herewiss reached out with his underhearing. He caught a faint wash of sorrow from Dritt, overlaid and made bearable by an odd sheen of bright memory. Then the perception was gone.

  Something was strange. When the group was assembled again and once

  more riding eastward into the rocky flats, Herewiss rode up to Freelorn's side and beckoned him apart.

  'A personal question, Lorn—' he said softly.

  'Yes, I did.'

  'Did what?'

  'Sleep with her last night.' He said it a little guiltily, shooting a glance at Segnbora out of the corner of his eye. 'Before she did, I guess. And let me tell you, she was—'

  'Please, Lorn.'

  'Listen, I didn't –I mean—'

  'Lorn, how long has it been since something like that mattered with us? You love me. I know that. I have no fears.'

  'Yes, well . . .'

  'Besides,' Herewiss said, grinning wickedly, 'so did I.' Freelorn laughed. 'She gets around, doesn't she?' 'It looks that way.'

  'Just out of curiosity – what time was it when you—'

  'About Moonrise – yes, I remember the Moon coming up. I had a lot of wine, but that much is – Lorn, what's wrong?'

  Freelorn was shaking his head and frowning. 'Couldn't have been.' 'Couldn't have been what?'

  'Moonrise. Because she was with me at Moonrise.'

  Herewiss sat there and felt it again – that odd hot thrill of

  excitement, of anticipation. But different, somehow sharper in the daylight than it had been in the twilight.

  'Segnbora,' he called.

  She reined Steelsheen back and joined them. 'What, then?' 'This is a little personal, granted—' 'And I didn't save any eggs. Oh, well.'

  'No, no. I was just wondering. What time was it when you and the lady were together?'

  'Now it's funny you should mention that—' 'Oh?'

  '—because I just overheard Dritt discussing that same subject with Harald. And he was saying that the lady had visited him about the time the Moon came up, and I was . . . thinking . . .'

  She looked at them for a long few seconds, and Freelorn blushed suddenly and became very interested in Black-mane's withers. Herewiss watched Segnbora. She stared for a few seconds at the reins she held, and then looked over at him again.

  'It was the Bride, then.'

  He nodded.

  When she spoke again, the sound of her voice startled Herewiss. Her words went gentle with awe, and Herewiss had heard women take the Oath to the Queen of Silence with less reverence, less love. 'You didn't ask,' she said, 'and I will tell you. No sharing I have ever known was like last night. Oh, give as you will, there's only so much that can be shared in one evening, or one day, before the body gives out, gets sore, gets tired. There's always some one place left uncherished, some corner of the heart not touched, or not enough – and you shrug and say, "Oh, well, next time." And next time that one place may be caressed to satisfaction, but others are missed. You make your peace with it, eventually, and give all you can so that your own ignored places feel warmer for the giving. But last night – oh, last night. All, all of me, all the depths, the corners, the little fantasies I never dared to – the sheer delight, to open up and know that there's no harm in the sharing anywhere, only love—' She turned her face away; Herewiss could feel her filling up with tears. 'To have Her slide into bed behind me,' Segnbora said quietly, 'and put Her arms around me, and hold my breasts in Her warm hands, and then slip down a little and kiss the lonely place between my shoulderblades that always wanted a kiss, and never g
ot one. And without asking . . .'

  She smiled, and let the tears fall.

  Freelorn looked up at Herewiss again, and he was smiling too. 'It was like that,' he said. 'Funny, though, I wasn't expecting it so soon.'

  'She never comes to share Herself when you expect Her,' Herewiss said. 'That's half the joy right there.'

  Freelorn nodded.

  'How She must love us,' Herewiss said. 'To share with us all, to give us so very much –I can't understand it. Just for my own part, even. What incredible thing have I done, or will I do, to earn — to deserve such, such blessing, so much love . . .'

  'You're reason enough,' Freelorn said, very quietly. 'And, besides, She cherishes what's returned. What could we possibly give the Mother that She couldn't make better Herself, except love? She could make us love Her — but it wouldn't be the same.'

  Herewiss reached out and took Freelorn's hand. 'I was thinking mostly in terms of you, Lorn.'

  Freelorn chuckled, squeezed Herewiss's hand hard.

  'And anyway,' he added after a moment, 'She can afford to be generous. They say that most of the time She drives a hard bargain.'

  Herewiss looked down at his front saddlebag, and at the slight bulge in it.

  'That's what I hear,' he said. 7

  Memory is a mirror – but even the clearest mirror reverses right to left.

  Gnomics, 418

  When frogs fell all around them out of the clear hot sky, smacking into the dust and sand with understandable grunts and squeaks, the party was surprised, but not too much so. When it hailed real stones, instead of ice, they covered their heads with helms or shields and made small jokes about the quality of the weather in this part of the Waste. When, while climbing a rise, they noticed that the rocks dislodged by their horses' hooves were rolling up the hill after them, they shrugged and kept on riding.

  There it is,' Herewiss said. He pointed through the blown dustclouds at a low gray shape on the horizon.

  'Are you sure it's there?' Freelorn said. 'Look how it wobbles.'

  'That's heat, and this damn dust. We'll be there in an hour or so, I would say.'

  'What are those?' Lang muttered, shielding his eyes. 'Towers?'

  'Hard to tell from here. We'll see when we get closer.'

  They cantered on across the desert. Herewiss was in high good spirits, expectant as a little boy at Opening Night waiting for

  the fireworks to start. To some extent it was infectious. Most of Freelorn's people were joking and straining their eyes ahead in anticipation; Segnbora was rigidly upright in the saddle, her sword loose in its sheath.

  Sunspark was requiring constant reminders to maintain contact with the ground. But Freelorn was frowning, resolutely refusing to get excited.

  'Well,' he said, 'we haven't been eaten alive yet. But I reserve judgement until we leave.'

  'We? Lorn, if the place is safe, I'm staying.' 'Not for long, surely.' 'For as long as I have to.'

  'You don't mean you're planning to live there for any length of time!'

  'Uh-huh.'

  'You,' Freelorn said with frank irritation, 'are a crazy person.'

  'You know us Brightwood people,' Herewiss said, 'the only sure thing about us—'

  'Is that you're all nuts,' Freelorn said, refusing to finish the quote. 'Let's see what the place is like before you make up your mind.'

  'Who's that?' Harald yelled. His eyesight was better than anyone else's, and for a moment they all squinted through the dust at the faint figure ahead of them.

  'No horse,' Segnbora said. 'No tent, nothing—' 'No-one lives out here!' Moris said.

  'Not for long, anyway, without a horse or a water supply,' Herewiss said. 'Let's see who it is – could be they need help—'

  (He's not there.)

  Sunspark's thought was so sudden and shaken that Herewiss gulped involuntarily.

  (He's not there. Or – he appears to be, but he's not an illusion; he's real. And yet he's not—)

  (Make sense, Spark! Is this something you've encountered before?)

  (No. It's as if he were not wholly present, somehow –

  his thoughts are bent on us, but his body isn't here enough for his soul to be—)

  (Where's his soul, then?)

  (Ahead—)

  They rode closer. The figure stood there with its arms folded, watching them approach. It didn't move.

  'He looks familiar,' Moris said, rising up in the stirrups to stare ahead.

  'Yeah—' Freelorn squinted. 'Damn this dust anyway—'

  They approached the waiting man, came close enough to see his face—

  Freelorn's mouth fell open. Herewiss was struck still as stone, and Sunspark danced backward a few paces in amazement. Segnbora spoke softly in Nhaired, drawing a sign in the air.

  Dritt sat on his horse, his eyes wide, and looked at himself; the same elaborately tooled boots, the same dark tunic and light breeches, the same long silver-hiked sword, the same sandy hair—

  Dritt stood there in the dust and looked at himself. He put out a hand to one side, as if to steady himself against something. 'Sweet Goddess,' he said, just loudly enough for them to hear, 'oh no!'

  And he turned away, and was gone—

  — with a soft sharp sound like hands clapped together, and a swirl of stirred-up dust—

  Dritt swayed a bit in the saddle, and Moris was beside him in a moment, putting a hand on his arm. 'Take it easy,' he said, 'you're here, and that's what matters. No telling what kind of a sending that was—'

  'That was me,' Dritt said with conviction. 'Not a sending. Not a premonition, or an illusion, or anything like that. Me. I could feel it.'

  Freelorn turned to Herewiss, almost in triumph. 'There.

  You want to live in a place where things like that happen?' 'Lorn, we're not even there yet.' 'I know. I know.'

  They sat on their horses in a tight little group before the place, and stared at it.

  It was built all of shining gray stone that looked like granite, sparkling with deeply buried highlights. The outer wall, perfectly square and at least forty feet high, completely surrounded the inner buildings, an assortment of keeps and towers, some leaning at crazy angles as if half-toppled by an earthquake. Some were seemingly unfinished, having great gaps in them. Some were shorn off oddly at the top, as if the stone had been sliced by giant knives. Nowhere were seams or jointures apparent at all; the place seemed to have been carved from single blocks of stone. And though there were windows in the inner buildings, there was no opening in the outer wall anywhere. It towered up before them, slick and unscalable as glass.

  'Well,' Freelorn said with scarcely disguised satisfaction, 'now what?'

  Herewiss made an irritated face, but Sunspark laughed privately, unconcerned. (I think,) the elemental said, (it is time to disabuse them of the idea that I am a horse.)

  (What? You're going to jump it?)

  (No, nothing like that. Just inside the wall I can sense a courtyard. I will take part of the wall away.)

  (Can you do that?)

  (It'd be silly to suggest it if I couldn't,) Sunspark said, amused. (Get off and take everyone back a good ways, a quarter of a mile or so. I'm going to have to exert myself a little, but the stretch will do me good.)

  Herewiss dismounted. 'Lorn,' he said, 'let me up behind you, will you? We're going to have to back off a little.'

  'Uh, look,' Freelorn said, sounding a little alarmed, 'I don't want you to strain yourself—'

  'Let's go.'

  Herewiss put his foot in Blackmane's stirrup and swung up behind Freelorn. He was aware of Segnbora regarding him with a small and secret smile; he winked at her. 'Back the way we came,' he said to Freelorn, 'a quarter mile or so.'

  'But your horse—!'

  'Sunspark is going to take part of the wall away,' Herewiss said. 'We'd better back off.'

  'Sunspark is—'

  With Freelorn in the lead, shaking his head, the group rode back into the desert. After a while Herewiss
stopped them.

  'Far enough,' he said. 'Now then.' (Are you ready, Spark?)

  (Yes.)

  (Will it be all right for us to look?)

  (Mmm– yes, I'll damp the light a little. You'll probably feel the heat, though.)

  'It's going to be hot,' Herewiss said, 'and bright. Be warned.' (Go ahead,) he told Sunspark.

  For a few seconds there was nothing, only the sight of the high towers peering over the wall, and the small red-brown horse-shape standing before the stone. Then Sunspark reared.

  —Searing brightness like a sunseed fallen to earth and exploding into flower! A hard stabbing brilliance like a knife through the eyes! And a crack of thunder like being hit in the face, followed by a wave of stinging hot wind—

  By the time they got their horses back under control again, the light and the heat were gone. There was only the

  little red horse-shape, standing before a huge gap in the wall.

  Freelorn turned to look over his shoulder at Herewiss. 'You were riding that?'

  Herewiss smiled at him. 'Let's go see what the inside of the place looks like.' They rode back to the wall, and dismounted, looking at it in wonder. About a hundred feet of the wall's four-hundred– foot length was gone. The edges of the sudden opening were perfectly smooth, though slightly duller than the slick polished stone of the wall's outer surfaces; the seared stone was crackling as it cooled.

  Sunsparks walked over to Herewiss, its eyes glittering with pleasure. (That was fun.)

  (The stone, Spark, where did it go?)

  (I consumed it. Anything'll burn if you heat it enough. It made a nice meal.)

  (But stone—?)

  Sunspark smiled at Herewiss in its mind. (I have to eat sometimes.)

  'Lorn?' Herewiss said.

  'Yeah, what?' Freelorn was gazing in through the opening at the courtyard. It was paved in the same shining gray stone, and at the other side of it was a low, oblong structure like a great hall.

  'Let's have a look.'

  'You first,' Freelorn said.

  'All right, me first—'

  Herewiss walked cautiously through the opening. Immediately it was much quieter; the sound of the wind seemed muted and far away. There was no dust on the pavement at all, and like the walls it stretched without a seam or crack from one side of the courtyard to the other. Sunspark's hooves clattered loudly on it as it followed him in.