by Starr, Bria
Jen has made a bigger appearance in my life. I think she felt bad for me after the whole situation, and came over to see me. I’ve been attempting to feel unconcerned and go hang out at the bar with my people. I’ve met so many amazing people there, and I’ve now started embracing their company. It helps knowing Alec is behind bars and will be away for a long time. I have only seen Kate or Holly when a band is playing. Logan too. I ignore the girls, but not Logan. I feel sadness when I see him, thinking of what could have been, and I will never know.
I’m moving on. I’m not quite there yet, but I will be.
The New Year is rapidly approaching. The night before, I’m in Cassidy’s room with her as she’s trying on her outfit that looks more like a swimsuit than anything.
“You do realize there’s several feet of snow out there, right?” I ask her.
“We’re going to be inside, and I’ll have a coat with me.”
“Right, okay. You’re going to freeze.”
“Not if I have enough alcohol in me.”
“Good point.”
“I’ll probably be hungover until Monday. So who are you going to kiss tonight?” Cassidy asks.
“Oh, don’t say that. I’m not going to kiss anyone, and I don’t want anyone to kiss me.” Now I’m worried she’ll seek someone out and pay them to come and kiss me, thinking that’s what I need. “Maybe I should stay home,” I fret.
“You are not staying home.”
“I really couldn’t care less about New Year’s Eve. I mean, a new year is exciting and all, but it’s not an important holiday to me. I’m excited just to have an extra couple of days off work.”
“It’s nice having it in the middle of the week. For you. I still have to work.”
“Not every night, and the shop is slow, so I’m glad I took the next couple of days off so I have a long weekend. Plus, we’re going to have some fun, right? The bar always has something going on this time of year.”
“We’ll have fun, I promise. How is work going, by the way? Is it any better with Zach?”
“It’s going. He’s still very distant and keeps the talk to a minimum and strictly work related. I hope we can eventually get past this and be friends again. I need him in my life. It kills me to see him look at me differently, or not at all…”
“He just needs time. He’ll come around.”
“I hope so.”
“Want me to help you pick something out for tomorrow night?”
“Not if it looks anything remotely close to what you’re going to wear.”
She looks offended. “What’s wrong with what I’m wearing?”
I laugh. “Really?” She still looks confused. “Never mind,” I say shaking my head.
*****
After my last day of work before the holiday, I go home and take a nap. When I wake up, Cassidy and I get busy fixing our hair and makeup. I strongly consider staying home because I don’t want to kiss anyone, and I don’t want to look awkward standing there alone while everyone else kisses. This is one of the things about being single that sucks. Being left out. But on the other hand, I get to dance, meet new people, and flirt with whomever I want.
I wear my new teal and black lace cocktail dress that Cassidy had forced me to buy. It has more cleavage than anything I’ve ever worn in my life, and I wear a chunky black necklace to hide what I can while throwing on a black sweater too. She does my hair in a side-swept bun with curly tendrils hanging down from the bun and the sides of my face. She adds a cute, black lacy clip to the side to top it off. It’s unlike anything I can do. A ponytail or messy bun is about as talented as I get with my hair. I’m thankful for the curls…most days.
I pull on my black pea coat and grab my purse before running out to my car as fast as I can. I start the car, and cold air shoots out from the vents as it slowly, and I mean very slowly, warms up. I should have just made the extra trip to warm the damn thing up. I freeze while I sit and wait for Cassidy to drag herself out of the house.
“Hurry up, Cassidy,” I say out loud to myself. She finally opens the door and locks it before cautiously making her way down the stairs and attempting to tiptoe into the footprints I had just made.
“Shit it’s cold,” she says, closing the door.
“Yeah, I’ve only been sitting here waiting for your slow ass. I’ll bet I’m a lot colder than you are, so I don’t want to hear it,” I say as I put the car into reverse.
“Oh, Jack’s already here!” Cassidy exclaims. I notice Logan’s truck in the plowed, half empty parking lot. “Good thing we got here early. I get to see my man and we’ll get a good table. It’s Draven playing tonight, right? They got the New Year’s slot?” Cassidy asks.
“Cassidy, you work here. How do you not know this? Zach’s hardly speaking to me, so he hasn’t mentioned anything.” It doesn’t feel right to call him Zachary at this point. There’s no warmth between us anymore.
“Yes, but I don’t have time to look at the schedule.”
“Not even while you’re in the back texting? I don’t believe it.” I roll my eyes at her.
I shut off the car and brace myself as I push open my door and walk into the cold. The wind is wildly whipping around and biting at my bare legs. Goosebumps cover my legs and work their way up my body. Once we get inside, I bend down to rub them, trying to bring some heat back to them.
“Good thing I shaved my legs today,” I say sarcastically. “They’re all prickly now.”
“Mine too,” Cassidy agrees, rubbing her own.
We walk into the bar and look at the hundred people scattered around the place. Decorations and glittery objects are hanging down from the ceiling and all over the walls. Cassidy takes off her coat and walks through the bar towards the back, showing off her outfit. I leave mine on, trying to warm up as much as I can before removing it. I end up leaving my purse and coat in the back where no one can get them, tighten my sweater around me, and walk back out into the bar. I feel very exposed as I’m wearing a dress for the first time since I was a bridesmaid at my cousin’s wedding years ago, and that dress didn’t even show my legs.
We get up to the bar and Jen welcomes us, serving me a Red Bull and handing Cassidy a Lemon Drop. “On the house, girls. Happy New Year!”
“Thanks, Jen,” we respond together.
I grab my energy drink and turn to see Logan’s eyes from across the bar, looking at me. The way he’s standing there...he must have been looking at me for a little while. Cassidy walks past me and strolls straight over to them. I look around to see if there is anyone else I can go talk to, to keep me from going over there just yet, but it is to no avail. I reluctantly join them. Logan approaches me instantly.
“Wren, you look amazing!”
I blush. “Thank you, Logan. Cassidy made me buy it. Then she made me wear it.” I look to Cassidy, who sticks her tongue out at me, then goes back to talking and hanging on Jack.
“She chose well. How have you been?”
“Fine, thanks. And yourself?”
“I’m good.”
“Good,” I respond, taking a sip of my Red Bull, thinking this conversation has reached a dead end. My mom always told me the best way to strike up a conversation is to ask them about themselves because people always love talking about themselves. “So how come you guys aren’t playing somewhere tonight?”
“We were going to, but thought it’d be nice to have the night off and go out. Draven is a good band, so we thought we’d come out here.”
“Awesome,” I say, my eyes wandering across the bar. I don’t even know what else to say to him anymore.
“I think Jack and I are going to go see Deftones next weekend,” he offers.
“Oh, nice. I love them. That’s a good concert to go to. I’ve seen them before.”
“Yeah, me too.”
Speaking of concerts... “You know, I went to that Metallica concert.”
He looks at me. “At the Xcel?”
I nod my head. “I went with Cassidy and A
aron. You know Aaron, right? From Lonely Shadows?” I can’t help myself. A part of me wants to make him jealous, even though he probably doesn’t even care.
“Oh. Yeah, I know Aaron. Did you like the show?” he asks, completely oblivious.
“Very much. They were awesome, and we had a great time,” I fabricate. I want so badly to tell him I know he was there with Holly. To show him how badly he had hurt and angered me, but I don’t.
I realize it doesn’t matter anymore. I still care deeply for him, but not the way I used to. I think I’m finally moving on. I still see the life I could have had with him, but it’s faded. It’s not the same. I feel good about myself with that revelation. We carry on small talk, which turns into friendly chatter. I think I’m finally to the point where I can be friends with him.
Logan Kalford. My unrequited love.
Okay, so maybe he still has a small hold on me, but I’ve climbed mountains for this moment of freedom.
The music starts and I’m surprised to see the amount of people that have shown up during my talk with Logan. I see weird looking outfits, people covered in glitter, and almost everyone is wearing New Year hats. Someone comes by with free champagne, and we each grab one. Cassidy knowingly thanks me and takes mine.
“That’s one of the things I love about you,” she says. She downs both glasses. “Wanna dance?”
I smile at her. “I do, actually.”
The caffeine must finally be pumping into my veins. I take her hand, leaving the boys behind. We walk out to the dance floor that is already crowded. People are here to have a good time. I look up and meet eyes with Zach. He nods slightly to me and continues playing, closing his eyes.
Bodies are moving all around me. I can already feel the heat from them. I move my hips a couple of times, slowly sinking into the flow. I move my arms above my head and get completely immersed into Draven’s music. Song after song until the first set is over.
We meet Jen up at the bar, and I order another Red Bull. “A few more of these, and I’ll be dancing on the tables.”
“What I would give to see that.” She laughs.
“I’m feeling pretty good tonight. You never know.” My smile is wiped away when I see Holly and Kate walk in. I’d really hoped they’d gone somewhere else tonight.
“Bitch alert,” Cassidy says into my ear.
“Yeah, I see them, but you know what? I don’t care. I’m going to have fun tonight no matter what.”
“What’s gotten into you? I like it!”
“I’m over it. That is what has gotten into me. And this Red Bull is definitely helping,” I say, holding it up.
“My old friend is back. How I’ve missed you. Did you get the closure you needed?”
“I think so. I’m happy. Like, really happy. Let’s go dance!”
She grabs my hand as I try to take a sip and fall in stride with her. We dance as more and more people start coming out to the dance floor. It’s full on nut-to-butt packed in here as it gets closer to midnight. I see Jack move in behind Cassidy and start dancing with her. Logan appears, but I turn from him and keep on dancing. I feel warm hands on my hips, and I stiffen. For a split second, I hope that it’s anyone but Logan. Only, I know his touch.
He starts to move with me, and I fall in step with him. We’ve danced together before, and he always stays right behind me, holding on. The song ends, and I turn around to face him as the countdown begins.
10, 9, 8, 7...
Is this it? Am I to kiss Logan?
6, 5, 4, 3…
He starts leaning in towards me.
2, 1…
His lips are on mine.
Memories come crashing down on me. He holds his lips there for what seems like an eternity before pulling away, kissing me gently one more time. He smiles, but I don’t return it. Was there a spark? Absolutely, but I’m finally getting over him, and he thinks he can just kiss me?
“Happy New Year, Wren.”
No. This is not a happy New Year. I was starting this year over, fresh!
I turn and rush through the maze of people still making out. I get inside the restroom, and I hear Cassidy open the door behind me.
“What’s the matter? You looked scared.”
“I wasn’t really expecting him to kiss me. Now I have to go into this year knowing that it all started with fucking Logan kissing me.”
“Calm down. It was just a New Year’s kiss. It doesn’t mean anything.” She lets out a breath and says cooly, “It’s not like you two have never kissed before. You’re reading too much into this. Let’s just go back out there and have a good time. There are only two hours left before they start kicking everyone out.”
“Okay.”
We go back to the spot where Logan and Jack are still standing, watching the band. Logan casually throws his arm over my shoulders, and part of me feels completely irritated. I don’t want him thinking he can just own me whenever he feels like it. The other part of me wonders if maybe he still likes me, but I won’t go there. I’ve suffered enough.
Chapter 18
As I accept Logan’s casual flirting, it dawns on me that maybe he has a problem. Maybe he has issues or insecurities where he always needs someone in his life. It appears he clings to someone as he needs or wants them. He always has someone with him, but they’re never actually with him. It makes me wonder if he ever really liked me, and though it appears he likes me at this particular moment, does he really? Or is he using me to pass time or feel good about being wanted? Does he take my wanting him for granted?
The bar is cleared out, including everyone in the band except for a few regulars. I’m sitting at the bar, talking with Jen when Logan approaches and sits down on the stool next to me. Jen glares at him. Logan, who has been drinking but is not quite drunk yet, starts to make more idle chitchat, inattentive to Jen’s scoffs and stares. Logan is in the middle of saying something when Jen interrupts.
“What are you doing?”
Confused, Logan stops and looks over at her. She stares him down, not even blinking.
“What? Me?” Logan asks.
“Yes, you. What do you think you’re doing?”
He looks over to me for help. I shrug and look at Jen, trying to figure out what she’s getting after Logan about. What did he do?
“Who the fuck do you think you are? Haven’t you done enough to her?” Oh, shit.
Realization sets in to Logan that she’s talking about me. I’m scared. No one really fucks with Jen, and no one really wants to be on her bad side.
“Jen, stop. I’m fine,” I start. Logan still looks utterly confused, mouth slightly apart as if to say something, but doesn’t know what.
“No, I’m not going to stop!” she yells. The bar is silent, everyone has stopped what they were doing and turns to watch. Her face is red as she keeps going. “You are a callow, piece of shit. You honestly think you deserve to talk to her?”
“I can talk to her if I want.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah!”
Both voices are raised now, and both faces are bright red, veins sticking out and pure hatred across their features. I look from face to face as they are inches apart and yelling.
“Stop!” I scream.
“You don’t deserve to talk to her. You don’t deserve to be with her. Leave her alone!”
“She wants to talk to me!”
“You had your chance, and it’s gone. Leave her the fuck alone. Go on. Go and fuck Holly again!” she throws at him.
Logan is fuming. “I NEVER FUCKED HOLLY!”
“Yes, you did!” she comes back.
“No, I didn’t!”
From somewhere behind us, Jack slowly raises his hand in an attempt to calm the situation down. “I fucked Holly,” he says. Cassidy smacks him on the chest, hard.
I can’t help but crack a smile. I look back at my aunt and my ex-boyfriend at each other’s throats, all this intensity is getting to me, and the tears start to flow. I watch them go back and for
th shouting at each other. I frequently ask them to stop fighting as I’m more mortified than I have ever been.
“Jen! Stay out of my life!” I yell at her as I sob. I don’t feel as if it’s her place to yell at Logan, and as much as he deserves it, I hate seeing him treated like this.
She looks away from him and at me for the first time, shock written across her face. “I’m standing up for you.”
“No, you’re embarrassing me!” I gesture to all the open mouths standing around us. I jump off my stool and run towards the back and out the door, leaving everyone behind. My tears instantly freeze to my face in the bitter cold. I lean against the wall and cry. The cold air feels good only for a couple of seconds before I realize I should probably go back inside, but I’d rather freeze than walk back into that.
As if reading my mind, Cassidy walks out with my pea coat. “Thank you,” I say, teeth chattering. Are they still fighting?”
“No, Jen walked away as soon as you ran, and Logan left.”
“I’ve always hated all the drama, and I’ve never understood how people can do things like that in public. Now I’ve become the center of it.”
“Let’s go inside. You sit in the kitchen while I let Jack know I’m leaving.”
I walk into the dark, empty kitchen. I can hear Jen asking about me, where I went. “She went with him, didn’t she? She went home with him. Did you see her leave? Did he pick her up out back? She will never learn. I tried. I tried to help her, but if she wants that piece of shit, let her have him.”
I shake my head as I listen to Jen’s vile words. I get the green light from Cassidy and grab my purse before sneaking back outside. It takes a good minute before Cassidy appears with my car. She gets out and runs around to the passenger side as I slide into the driver’s seat. We make the way home in peace.
I scrub off all the black makeup that had smeared underneath my eyes, step out of my dress, and climb into bed. I immediately start crying again as I rehash the thought of Jen and Logan screaming at each other.
