by Starr, Bria
“It’s not dumb! It’s supposed to help you see. Instead of thinking about it, you wrote them down so you had a visual on your feelings.”
“But nothing came out of it. I feel exactly the same as I did before. Confused!” I put my hands into my hair. “Why is this so difficult?”
“Because you don’t want to end up where you were before.”
She’s right.
“Just tell me one thing,” she says.
“What’s that?”
“What’s the number one reason you want him back?”
“Because it feels right with him. It always has.”
“What happens if you take him back and it doesn’t work out?”
“Then shame on me.”
“I don’t want you to get fooled twice.”
“That’s why I’m trying to think this through. It was so hard not to throw my arms around him and tell him I forgave him for everything. He told me everything I’ve ever wanted to hear. He offered me what I’ve only dreamed about. A lifetime of happiness. I just don’t know if I can trust him.”
“I can’t believe I’m going to ask this, but what does your heart tell you?”
“That I can trust him. That everything will be okay.”
“I think you’ll take him back. A part of me is wondering why you’re even hesitating.”
I scowl at her. “You know why. I can’t just forget everything that’s happened. That was possibly the worst thing I’ve ever been through.”
“Did you tell him about Alec?”
“No. And I’m not going to. Not for a while anyway. Let’s see how things pan out first.”
“I was just curious. I didn’t mean to bring it up.”
“It’s fine. It happened, and I’m okay. And he’s getting the help he needs from what I’ve heard. All I need to know is that he isn’t going to be around for a looong time, and I’ll be able to sleep at night. I don’t care to know much else.”
Cassidy looks at the clock. “I hear you. Well,” she says, patting the back of my hand, “I’m headed over to Jack’s soon. You going to be okay?”
“Yeah I’m good. Just lots to think about.”
“Like what, exactly?”
“Like maybe giving him another chance. At least seeing how things go for a little bit before giving him back my trust.”
“I think that’s a good plan. Ride things out and see if they get better. That way, you don’t have anything to break up. It’ll just die out.”
“But what if it doesn’t die out?”
“Then it will ignite.”
Chapter 22
“Did you want to go out tonight?” Logan asks me over the phone.
“I suppose we could do that. Zach’s playing. Even though he’s mad at me, I’d still like to support him.”
“I’m sure he’ll come around.”
With how much Logan and I have been talking lately, I ended up telling him a little bit about Zach and the reason we’re not the best of friends at the moment.
“I’ll just meet you there?”
“How about I come pick you up?”
I’ve been avoiding seeing Logan. We talk on the phone or text every day, but I’m trying to take baby steps in the right direction, and I can’t think straight when I see him. He’s been keeping the distance I had requested, but uses every opportunity to take advantage of what he can, when he can, which I love.
“You’re not going to drink tonight?”
“Not tonight. I’ll see you about eight-thirty?”
“All right, see you then.”
When we get there, Logan and I run through the parking lot, careful not to slip and fall. We walk through the front doors, round the corner and are immediately engulfed in people. We don’t grab a table, instead, we head up to the front, joining a hundred other people. I look over to see Holly approaching us with Kate trailing behind her. Can’t I go one night at the bar without seeing them? I’m instantly annoyed.
Holly reaches her arm out and greets Logan with a hug, pulling him away from me. He gives her a slight hug and lets go, but she doesn’t. She smiles and says hi to me as I look away up at the band. I watch her hanging on Logan and talking into his ear, and I’m pissed. I can see he’s not comfortable getting out of the situation, but that’s just it; he’s not doing anything about it. After I’ve had as much as I can take, I turn and walk away. I go to the restroom and stand there for a minute, trying to cool down.
When I walk back out, Logan is waiting for me. “Where did you run off to?”
“Oh, you noticed? You looked pretty busy,” I say sarcastically.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean with Holly.”
“Because I talked to her?”
“No, I don’t care if you talk to her. Well, I do a little, but that’s not the problem. You let her hang on you and whisper into your ear. You remember me telling you what a problem I had with you two “dancing”? Well, if you want to be with me, that shit isn’t going to fly.”
“What do you want me to do?”
“How about push her the fuck off of you! She doesn’t need to be hanging on you. When a guy comes up to me and asks me if I want to dance, I say no. And when they ask why not, I tell them because I don’t WANT to. I don’t use an excuse. And if they hang around, I tell them to get the fuck away from me. I know what I want. Are you sure you know what you want?”
“Yes, I know what I want,” he submits.
“I shouldn’t have to tell you not to let her do those things. You shouldn’t want her to do that, and it pisses me off.”
“I’ll take care of it.”
“Thank you,” I say, feeling a little satisfied. I don’t want to tell him who he can and cannot be friends with, but I can’t stand watching her act as if she owns him. If he doesn’t ask her to quit, I’m done.
“Can we go back now?”
“Yes.”
When we get back to our spot, I try to forget what just happened and just enjoy myself. I’m still a little worked up, but I’m getting over it. I have lots to get over.
I’m a work in progress.
Eventually, Holly sneaks back over towards us, and again she puts her arm around Logan as if they’re the best of pals. I step aside, getting fired up. Logan takes her hand from around his shoulders and removes it, placing it down at her side. You can see the surprise on her face, but she tries to hide it with a smile. Logan steps away from her, puts his arm around my waist, and continues watching the band. Holly stands there for a good minute or two before she takes the hint and stalks off.
At the end of the night while I’m talking to Jen, Holly approaches Logan outside of the men’s restroom for a hug goodbye. I can tell by the look on Logan’s face that’s he’s not happy. I see them exchange a few words as Jen and I try to listen intently.
“Holly, just stop. It’s never going to happen.” He gives her an irritated look and walks away. The look of surprise on Holly’s face is priceless!
Logan comes to my side and kisses me. Looking down at me, he smiles. “Is that better?”
“Yes, thank you.”
“I won’t let her do anything like that anymore. I’m sorry it bothered you. I just have this thing about wanting people to like me.”
“Really? Well, I hate to break it to you, but I know a lot of people who don’t like you.”
“Everyone likes me,” he says with all seriousness.
“No, Logan, they don’t. You were a jerk for a long time. I’ve gotten a lot of crap from family and friends for still talking to you. They’re not happy about it. It’s going to take some time and some proof. You seem to have changed drastically, but people still remember. And besides, you shouldn’t care about people liking you. People kind of suck sometimes.”
“I do want people to like me, but the only one who really matters is you. As long as you like me, I’ll be the happiest man in the world.”
“I like you a little,” I tease.
“Just a little
?”
“For right now, yes. But maybe you should pick and choose who you care about liking you so much. I don’t think Holly should be high up on that list.”
“You’re right. I don’t really care if she likes me or not. Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For explaining it to me. And for liking me,” he teases.
“It’s just nice to know you’re not as perfect as I thought you were,” I joke.
“I’m pretty damn close though, aren’t I?”
I roll my eyes. “Yes, I suppose you are.”
He starts laughing. “I am completely infatuated with you.”
“Why? What did I do?”
“You really tell guys to fuck off if they ask you to dance?” he asks, still laughing.
“That’s what you remember out of everything I told you tonight? And you’re damn right I do. Well, if they don’t go away after I tell them no.”
“That’s awesome.”
“Well, sometimes they just stand there and don’t understand why I’m turning them down. That’s why I make it very clear that it’s not because I have a boyfriend, it’s because I’m not interested. I don’t do bullshit. I’m pretty blunt.”
“That’s one way to put it. You’re something else.”
I blush a little at his compliment. “You’re not so bad yourself.”
*****
Logan calls me right away in the morning. “Come over, I have a surprise for you.”
“A surprise? For what?”
“Because I felt like it.”
I’m not going to lie, I’m intrigued. I drive slightly over the speed limit to get to his house. I have a feeling it’s more than just chocolate chip cookies this time.
He greets me in the doorway with a big hug and a smile, then holds my hand as he brings me into his room. In the corner is a brand new purple and blue snowboard with a new pair of black boots sitting right beside it.
“Are those for me?” I squeak.
“They’re all yours. The board should fit you perfectly, and I remembered your shoe size from last time. Now all you need is some new snow gear that will fit you, and we’re all set.”
I look down at my beautiful new board. It’s white with dark purple and light blue swirls and flowers. It’s perfect. “Why did you do this?”
“Because I wanted to. I want to take you to do things. I want to teach you things. You say you’ve never been places, so I want to take you to see those too. I’ve traveled all over. I’ve seen and done so much, and now I want to share all that with you.”
“Oh, Logan! I’m speechless. Thank you so much, but you know I can’t accept this, right? It really is too much.”
“It’s not too much. I get everything at a discount through my work. I wanted to do this for you. Take them, please. They’re yours.”
I shake my head in disbelief. “Thank you,” I whisper.
“You’re welcome. I’m glad you like the board. It was the shortest one I could find,” he says, winking.
I smile at him. “Maybe now I won’t crash so much.”
“Only one way to find out. Wanna go?”
“Now? Today?”
“Why not?”
“Because I wasn’t planning on it. I don’t even have my long-johns.”
“Hey, I thought that’s what you liked about me.”
“What’s that?”
“I’m adventurous. I up and do things spontaneously. So join me. No, we didn’t plan this, but we can just go. What do you say?”
“This is not what I expected to do today. Good thing I don’t work tomorrow.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll take care of you,” he says seductively.
“Yes, I’m sure you will.”
*****
I did surprisingly well while snowboarding. I hope we go more often now that I’m getting the hang of it. When we get back to Logan’s, he offers me a bath in his tub, alone this time, and I accept. As I relax, I think about Logan and how he amazes me every day. I’m starting to fall for him all over again.
After I’m dressed and he’s had his shower, we sit on the couch and watch a movie. Logan stretches out his arm, inviting me to snuggle up next to him. Oh, what the hell. We both want it. I scoot a couple of feet over and relax into bliss. Logan has the warmest body heat I’ve ever felt, and since I always seem to be cold, I soak it all up. As we watch the movie, Logan uses his fingertips and slowly makes trails up and down my arm, giving me goosebumps.
“Somebody likes it when I do this.”
I look over at him while trying to rub them away. “I’m just cold.”
“Right. Whatever you say.”
“Shh, I’m trying to watch the movie.” But instead, I think about how much I feel at home, sitting on his couch, in his house, in his arms.
“Are you going to stay over?” Logan asks me.
“Um, I guess I figured I’d go home when the movie was over.”
“Or you could stay. I promise to behave.”
I want to stay with him. I really do. “All right, but only if you promise to keep your hands to yourself. I’m not having sex with you.”
“That’s fine, but I’m going to cuddle the shit out of you.”
I laugh. “Now that I can handle.”
*****
When we wake up on Sunday, we spend the day together. We go outside and take a long walk around his nice neighborhood. There are a few houses that still have Christmas lights up, and even a couple that have snowmen outside.
“When was the last time you made a snowman?” Logan asks me when we get back to his driveway.
“Oh man, I don’t even know. Not since I was really little with my brothers.”
“Want to help me make one?”
“Seriously?” I ask, a little too excited. I look down at the snow that had fallen the night before; it’s really the best kind of snow. The kind you can pack really well instead of the light fluffy stuff that will just fall apart in your hands. The perfect snowman making snow!
“I think I have some carrots in the fridge. I know I don’t have any coal, but we’ll figure something else out. Come on,” he says, guiding me towards his front yard. He bends down and starts packing snow into a ball, so I do the same. After we each get a huge ball, we start rolling them around in the snow to make them bigger.
“How big are we making it?” I ask, winded.
“As big as we want. Yours will be the middle one. I’ll keep going on this one for the bottom while you start making the head.”
I start a new ball as Logan keeps rolling his giant one around his yard. We meet back where we started and stack them, one by one. The snowman is taller than I am, but not nearly as tall as Logan. He runs inside for a few minutes as I start smoothing the snow out with my gloves, making it nice and round. Logan brings out a small cardboard box full of stuff, sets it down, and runs out to his backyard, coming back with two long sticks and two big, black, rounded rocks. We start going through the box, and I find a hat, scarf, gloves, a carrot, and a bag of M&M’s.
I grab the carrot and try to shove it in the middle of the face while Logan takes the rocks and digs out some snow to fit them in. I open the bag of M&M’s. “You’ve been holding out on me,” I say, putting a small handful into my mouth. I pour some into Logan’s hand and grab another small handful, giving our snowman a colorful mouth, then take the scarf and tie it around the neck while Logan puts in the sticks for arms and adds the gloves. I hand Logan the hat, and that completes our snowman.
An hour later, we step back and admire our masterpiece.
“We did well,” I comment.
“Are you kidding? He’s perfect,” Logan says, putting his arm around me.
So many childhood memories flood through me. “This was a great idea, Logan.”
“It’s the only kind I have.” He winks at me and then kisses the top of my snow-covered hat.
“Funny.”
“Want some hot chocolate?”
“Yes,
please.”
“Come on, I’ll start the fireplace so you can warm up and I’ll make you some.”
*****
After one of the best weekends I’ve ever had, I have to go back to work. My weekends seem to keep getting better and better. I’m feeling pretty good as I get to my desk. You can imagine my surprise when Zach approaches me and asks, “Do you want to go out to lunch with me today?”
“Are you serious?”
“Of course I am.”
“Absolutely!” That came across a little desperate.
We go to The Edge just like we used to, and there’s an uncomfortable silence on the way there. I get the feeling that he’s still hurt, but is trying to forgive me. I wave at Jen, and we head towards our regular table and order. He looks at me, and I give him a small smile. I’m happy to be here again.
“So how have you been?” he starts out.
“I’m good, Zach. How are you?”
“It’s Zachary, and I’m pretty good too.”
“Zachary it is.”
“You look good. You seem happy.”
“Thank you. I think I am.” I pause. “Are you happy?”
“Not as happy as you, apparently.”
“Well, I’m happy you asked me out to lunch.”
“Me too. Sorry I haven’t been very friendly. I just had to sort some stuff out, but I think I’m good now.”
“Zachary, I’m sorry-”
“You don’t have anything to be sorry about.”
I feel sad. “Yes, I do.”
“No, you don’t. Look, you never promised me anything. You never led me on, or made me believe we were anything but friends. It’s my fault. I’m the one who fell for you. I wanted to wait until the time was right, but I waited too long.” He shrugs. “I should have said something after you and Alec split, but I wanted to give you time. I know that break up wasn’t easy. I cared about you, and I still care about you, but now I have to care about you as a friend. Only a friend. It’s not easy to get over your feelings.”
“I know that. All too well.”
“So you’re with Logan now?”
I look up from my burger. “What makes you say that?”
“I saw you guys at the show Friday night.”
“We’re just taking things slow. Seeing how it goes.”
