by Rue Volley
The things that I would do to Josh…
***
The night rolled into the morning, and once again, I fell asleep at my desk. My laptop the only light in the room, as the sun had just started to rise. I had almost finished the little bit of editing on book three, and book four had beckoned me to start it. I blinked my eyes and looked at the screen. I had written a few chapters of book four… much faster than I had ever written before, and I stared at the last words on the screen and crinkled my eyes.
I yawned and stretched out my arms. Today was the day. I won’t lie to myself and think that freedom was a reality, but for my Mom’s sake, I will stay calm and hope. She is the meaning of hope… she does it all the time. I wish that I could be more like her… but I am more a realist like my Dad, along with being funny, without trying. I guess that was a gift… I guess.
I heard a tap on the door, and Holly walked in and closed it behind her. She turned and gave me a big smile, bigger than usual. I just knew that she had finished book three; because it was the “Holy crap” smile that she gave me every time she finished a book. She glanced back at the door and then looked at me again.
“You,” she said.
I grinned and wiped my eyes.
“You liked it,” I said, as I stood up and leaned back, trying to pull the years of sleeping at the desk out of my back.
“Liked it? Oh my god, I loved it,” she said.
“I’m glad,” I said.
“I have news,” she said.
I stopped leaning and looked at her, waiting for whatever was going to pop out of her mouth.
“There is a publisher… one that is… ummm, close to me,” she said.
I raised my eyebrows.
“Like a boyfriend?” I asked.
“No… more like a girlfriend.”
“Oh,” I said, as I grinned and walked to the bed and sat down.
“What...? Does that bother you?” she asked me.
“Ummm, no,” I said.
“Well, we have been together for two years now, and she started reading the books,” she said.
“Holly… listen, these books are just…”
“Quit… they are good, better than good. They are great, and she thinks so too,” Holly said.
“I just, they are more than books to me,” I said.
“I told her that… She knows everything about you,” she said.
I raised my eyebrows and looked at her.
I opened my mouth, and she pointed at me.
“She wants to publish them,” she said.
“Oh crap,” I said, as I looked at my feet.
“Why...? Why do you do this?” she asked me.
“I don’t know… I just, I am so not a writer, and this story… I mean, you know that I am crazy… obviously,” I said, as I waved my hand around the room.
“No, you are not… and even if you think that, I don’t,” Holly said.
I looked at her face and just knew that she didn’t believe that I was. It did make me feel good… although her being on my team really didn’t make any difference at all.
“Thanks, but who wants to read a story by a killer?” I asked her.
“Everybody,” she said.
“That is just messed up,” I said.
Holly smiled and walked over to me. She sat down on the bed, and for the first time, she had no pills to give me. I looked at her empty hands and considered asking why, but ya know… I didn’t want any. Today I just wanted to be completely awake when they tell me that I can’t leave again. Maybe it will be inspiration for more writing… who knows?
Holly tapped my leg and leaned over to me.
“I want you to give us permission to share this with the world,” she said.
“Oh god,” I muttered.
“Come on, Rue… say yes,” she said, as she grinned at me.
I looked at her face and realized that this was an argument that I would probably lose… I mean, Holly is aggressive by nature, not so much girlie as she is boyish in her way of thinking. I sighed and fiddled with my hands; then I looked at her and nodded. She jumped up and clapped her hands together, and then laughed.
“That was totally a Sara thing to do,” she said.
I shook my head and leaned back on the bed.
“People will hate me,” I said.
“No they won’t… they will love you.”
“The Graphs will hate me,” I said.
“That is a possibility,” she said.
“Thanks for agreeing.”
Holly smiled and walked to my door.
She turned and pointed at the bathroom.
“Get cleaned up, we are leaving today,” she said.
I looked at her and crinkled my eyebrows.
“What?” I said, as I laughed. “There is no way.”
She winked at me.
I stared at her, as she left with the mystery statement trailing behind her.
“Leaving...? Like its camp or something,” I muttered, as I walked to the bathroom and flipped on the light.
I stood there and stared at myself in the mirror. I looked older, stronger. I guess in a lot of ways, I was. Besides all that though, I look kinda sad, like I was missing something… god… I so was too. I missed Josh every single day. You know, the fictional boy in the books. I loved him, it has never ever faded… even after countless shrink sessions and pills… lots of them. All the talk and medication couldn’t take him away from me or my heart.
Johnathan either, well of course not Johnathan. He was the reason why I was there in the first place. I just wish that I really knew what happened that day in the library. I swear my memory of it, has him acting like he knew what it was I was doing. Although, I could not carry it out; he had to grab that blade and do it himself. Because in the end, I would of let the imaginary world crumble with him at the helm. I so would have… a thousand times over.
I mean, if I did snap and I am pretty sure at this point that I must have in the most hideous ways, then why? I mean, my parents are awesome. I love them so much, and Kai… regardless of his long stints of absence, is still the most incredible brother in the world. They all have stood by me this entire time, even when I started writing this crazy ass story, making my chances of ever leaving even a bigger long shot than it was before.
I mean, who was I kidding? I was never leaving this place; I will just write forever…I think. I mean, it made me happy, and it made me not hurt so bad. I guess it was my own therapist, keeping the walls of my mind from expanding into darkness and simply fading away. Healthy? Probably not, but it belonged to me… and everyone deals with trauma in different ways, mine is with the sword…
I stopped and looked up at myself, as I held onto the sink. My hands felt tingly, and I suddenly thought that maybe the fact that Holly skipped the dosing today, might not be a good thing after all. My head felt light, and my feet vibrated.
“The sword… and the shield,” I whispered to myself.
I have heard that before, from someone, or maybe I dreamt it. I don’t know; when you are crazy, everything seems to have meaning. Everything is connected, like a spiders web… one thing to another… one person to another, just going on and on forever, spanning the fabric of time.
I finished showering; just let the water pound on my skin nice and hot. I love the shower, not the tub. I have never even thought about taking a bath, not once. I wrote about my fear of water and have not asked my parents what that came from. I do write about it though… with all the crazy portaling in the books. Water and mirrors… easy access to another place… I so wish that I could do that, just portal and pop up someplace else… away from here.
I stood there drying off and laughed out loud when I thought about Josh and cherubs… too funny. Then I stopped and looked at my face, and realized that I live in the books. I don’t actually live in this asylum or on the planet, really; I just let everything pass me by… day after day.
I bit my lip and accidentally bit it too hard, an
d the blood ran over my lip. I quickly wiped it off and looked at it on my finger… bright and red. I opened my mouth and tasted it on my tongue and closed my eyes.
“Freakin’ crazy,” I whispered, as I stood there actually enjoying it.
Great, now I was tilting towards being a vampire… that was just awesome. We will just add that to the list of all the reasons Rue Volley is a danger to the world. I can so hear it now…
“Rue Volley has now become a vampire, enjoying blood, and writing about demons… Once again, we have reason to think that she should stay in the asylum, until she withers away from old age and does not pose a threat to anyone… including animals,” I said out loud, as I stood there looking stern in the mirror.
I let my shoulders relax and felt the same thing I feel every year after my birthday…Just sadness, an emptiness that is deep and wide…like the ocean.
I dried my hair, with the crazy looking dryer that had no way of being opened and shuts off if you even think about dropping it in water. The crazy girl dryer I call it. Like I would commit suicide, I mean I am a killer… but not of myself.
I stood there, and my hair had a bunch of electricity in it. I grinned. I mean, I try to pull the electricity out of it every day, but nothing happens. I am not the Rue in the books… just a normal girl who happens to be incarcerated. I once again tried, closing my eyes and concentrating on it. I placed my hands on the top of my head and slowly let them pass… just above my hair… trying my damndest…not a real word… to pull it out again.
I felt something, something new, something I could imagine only in a book, and it happened. I started to draw the energy out; I opened my eyes and watched, as small Blue sparks came from my fingertips and pulled the static out of my hair. I shook my hands out, and the towel rose a little towards my hands.
“WTF?” I said, as I looked at my hands and then at my hair that now laid flat.
“Okay… weird,” I said.
I leaned into the mirror and looked at my face. It had not changed at all. I still looked like me, but the thought of insanity… the real deal, did cross my mind. Maybe the drugs I was taking were a good thing, a very good thing. I didn’t just… no way.
I finished getting dressed. It was a ritual thingy for me on that day, I was older every year, but my feelings were the same. That was the one day that I have to listen to the whole freakin’ thing again… the Johnathan thing. Elie comes with Sophie, Johnathan’s sister, and they cry and talk about how much they miss Johnathan and the fact that he will never be with them again.
I would feel bad, but he isn’t with me either. I mean, I can’t say that; because it would make it sound like I killed him for crazy reasons… like obsession or something. I didn’t obsess that much over him, at least in the books I didn’t. I just had a crush… or an over powering attraction to be with him. But that faded, and Josh moved in… took over really. I let him do that, or I mean ‘book Rue’ did. I am so not book Rue, but some days, like today, I wish that I was… I would whip up a flashy thingy and go… back to where I left off. Standing next to Josh, as I wish I could forever.
The door opened, and my Mom and Dad walked in. They looked nice, dressed up and ready to do this. I… on the other hand, look regular, with a t-shirt and jeans on. I don’t wear them very often. I spend most of my time in the same clothes, even forgetting to shower until well into the evening, or eating… I forget that too. All I do is write, until my wrists cramp and my eyes start to dry out. Write and write about a world that I wished that I lived in… far away from this one.
“Ready for battle?” my Dad asked me.
I looked at him and nodded.
My Mom walked to me and hugged me. I let her, although I was so not the touchy feely kind. In fact, I had this bubble around me, and few get in… like that many people would want to hug me anyway.
She backed up from me and placed her hand on my face.
I looked at her face and grinned.
The only thing cool about it all, any of it… is that my parents are with me every week. I get to talk to them and laugh and they love me…so much. I can see it in everything that they do and everything that they don’t do. Like take vacations, or visit other people… or have friends of any kind. I guess that is kinda my fault. I mean, who wants to hang out with the parents of a freaky girl who stabs people in the library. I am sure that I killed whatever hopes they had of having parties, or cookouts, or anything that involved anyone else here in Calvary. I kind of wish that they would have moved and just came in to visit. Maybe they would have had a better life outside of here, away from me.
I sighed, and she hugged me again, like she knew what I was thinking…
I knew that she didn’t, but it felt like it sometimes.
We all took the walk down the long hallway, with two doctors and an intern. We were heading back to the room, the one that always felt too big and too white and too light in the air department. I mean, I couldn’t breathe in it. It must be my nerves. They make me shake when we sit in there, and I get pelted with the incident and how much I am a danger to everyone. Although, I haven’t caused one single thing since I have been at the asylum, not one yelling fit… not one anything.
The doctors opened both doors, and I stepped in, there seem to be more and more people here every year. Only this time, a camera flashed, and I blinked… It was bright like the sun, and I had to look away from it. I felt a tug on my arm and looked over at Holly, who was with me out of nowhere. Another camera flash and I looked up to see a lot of people sitting in an auditorium. They started to clap and cheer.
Holly led me to the table, and I looked down at the dress I was wearing and sucked in my breath. I touched it, and Holly winked at me. I sat down at a table with microphones on it, looking like a person who had just walked out of a car wreck. Holly sat down next to me and leaned up to the microphone.
“I would like to thank everyone for coming… Rue is excited to talk with all of you about ‘Clarity and Reason’ and has new announcements today.”
I looked at her and crinkled my eyebrows.
“I what with the who?” I said.
The crowd laughed, and a boy stood up and smiled in the crowd.
“When did you realize that you wanted to write?” he asked.
I raised my eyebrows and stared at him.
Holly tapped my leg, and I looked at her and blinked my eyes.
She covered the mic and looked at me.
“I know you hate these things, but you have to power through it,” she whispered.
I looked back at the boy and shrugged my shoulders.
“I didn’t,” I said, as I leaned up to the mic and whispered.
He laughed and so did everyone else.
Another boy stood up and smiled at me.
“You are Rue Volley,” he said.
I bit my lip.
“Ummm… it would appear so.”
He nodded and looked at his paper, as he grinned.
“I would just like to know, was the rabbit… in ‘Blood and Light’, a metaphor for your childhood?” he asked me.
“Ah,” I said, as I looked at Holly and she pointed to the mic.
I looked back at him and nodded.
“Yea, and the fact that I drive really badly,” I said.
He laughed, and a girl stood up and placed her hand on her hip.
She kinda shocked me, because she looked like Sam.
I mean, it wasn’t Sam… but close to it anyway.
“I would like for you to tell Josh that I am not going to put up with his shit,” she said.
Everyone around her high-fived her, and she flipped her red wig over her shoulder. Some people whistled, and I grinned and leaned up to the mic.
“He won’t care,” I said.
The crowd laughed, and I leaned back and allowed all the questions to come at me. I had no idea what the hell was going on, but all these people don’t want to do anything but talk about the books… all of them, including the fourth book.
I don’t even know the ending yet, because I haven’t written it. Oh god… I have had a freakin’ melt down. I have lost whatever I had left, and now, I am strapped to a bed and being pumped with anti-crazy… I just know it.
I looked up when the last question was asked.
“Rue… the love affair between you and Josh is just amazing in the book… Tell us, who was the inspiration for that?” he asked me.
I placed my hands on my lap and looked down at the dress and tilted my head. It was the same one that Lily had given to me…the same one that I wore to the party when Lucifer decided to pop up as a special guest. I sighed and looked up, leaning into the mic.
“Joshua Barrington… there is only one of him, and he is amazing,” I said.
The boy grinned and sat back down nodding to his friends.
Holly stood up and held her hands up.
“I want to thank you all for the support. Rue truly appreciates it, and just so you know… the second series will follow, as soon as next year.”
She reached over, as the crowd cheered, and pulled me up to her side. I stumbled a little and grinned at all of them, as she led me back to the double doors and hopefully, my room… back to the laptop… I suddenly felt a strong need to write…and write…and so on.
We stepped out and more flashes, and I lowered my head and let her lead me out of the building and into a car. She opened the door up, and I jumped in, people still waving at me. She leaned in and touched my face.
“Brilliant,” she said.
She closed the door, and the car drove off, with just me in it… oh, and the driver, who didn’t talk and that is okay with me. If I said anything I would sound freakin’ crazy anyway. He drove for a while, and I looked out the window, watching the scenery go by. We are headed to the country, and I am relieved that I am alone…kinda. I mean, I don’t know what to say anyway. I heard a song come on and looked around, confused as to where the sound was coming from. The driver looked in the mirror and smiled at me.
“Miss Volley, it appears that your phone is going off,” he said in his British accent.
