by Rue Volley
***
I sit at the long table and scratch my chest as the ruffles around my neck bother me. Mina had done me up this time. There is a polished finish to my face. My hair is tightly wound into braids and then wound on the back of my head into two circles. I look down at my plate and stare at the fine china, children playing on top of a hill in inked blue. I hear the ringing of the bells at the front door and I swallow hard. Mina comes running in, clapping her hands and my Father rises, reminding me that he was even present at the table. I watch him walk towards the entryway, opening the creaking large door and I hear voices. Mina places her hands on her hips as she clears her throat and makes a motion to me to smile. I try to, but smiling is awkward for me, so I am sure it looks fake, yet, what would that matter? This is Mina’s night, as it is every single night really and I am just an accessory to the table’s china.
I watch my Father walk back in with a girl next to him and then Mina enters, already on the arm of Jonah. I see him and the strangest thing happens. I feel a slight flutter in my chest as he looks at me and grins, grinning at me, how odd and totally unexpected. Mina stares up at Jonah like he is a new toy, something that she wants and will get. She gets whatever she wants. I, on the other hand, just don’t ask or expect anything really. I am the murderer between the two of us, which I am certain of and my Father’s total lack of attention to me makes it clearer every day. The girl snaps me out of my stupor as she walks to me. Mina waves her hand at me, or more so makes small jerking motions, all subtle, cuing me to stand up as the girl stops by my chair and holds her hand out to me. I stand up and almost knock my plate off of the table as I bump it. Mina raises her eyebrows and gives me a look of disgust. I clear my throat and keep my eyes towards the ground as the girl takes my hand and gently kisses it. I glance up at her as she smiles at me. She is a beauty and I have no idea where she came from.
“Where is Mr. Milan?” I ask, totally forgetting my manners and not saying hello at all. The girl glances back at Jonah who taps Mina’s hand on his arm slowly.
“Mia, this is my sister Lily. Caleb… I mean Mr. Milan, our Father has since passed.”
“Oh, I am so sorry.” I say as I look down and Lily leans into me, too close and yet she feels familiar to me. I look up as she pushes me back down into my chair and my Father approaches her and grins as she raises her hand to him and he kisses it. I close my eyes for a moment as it disgusts me. In fact any show of affection between a man and a woman does. I cannot explain it exactly but it is almost like eating bad food to me. Upsets my stomach and with that my stomach growls and I place my hand against it, pressing hard and making it stop.
“Why Lily, you look lovely tonight.” Father says to Lily as his lips leave the pale skin of her hand. She eyes him for a moment and glances back to Jonah who smiles at her and waves her to him with a slight wave of his hand.
“Jonah… It is so great to see you again.” Mina says, too enthusiastic, too fake. I mean even she has her moments where I think she is a fool.
Lily grins, nodding to me and then walks back to Mina. She takes her hand and places it to her face as she smiles at her. Mina looks at me and grins, as if to say, ‘See? They are really here to see me, not you.’ In fact, I hear that exact thing in my head and I narrow my eyes as I stare her down. I turn to see my Father, standing at the head of the table and I hear his voice inside my head, too. Oh God, please do not leave me here alone with Mia. I narrow my eyes again and start to feel sweaty as the voices continue to chatter in my head. The room feels as if it tilted and I hear Jonah say ‘Thank god my Father did not favor the ugly one.’ I glance at him. He is leaning over as Mina whispers something into his ear. He grins, glancing at me. I then feel a touch to my arm, snapping out of my stupor and see Lily next to me again. She smiles at me and something calms in my stomach. I know I have a tendency to get lost in negative thoughts but just like a magician, Lily made it all go away. Her hand remained on my shoulder for a moment longer until Jonah joined us as well as Mina and the candles suddenly lit up the table as if some invisible force lit them all at once and before us was a feast. I took a breath as I looked across the table and saw Lily raise a glass into the air.
“So,” Lily says as she holds her glass firmly, almost reminding me of a man at times. My Father grabs his glass too. Jonah and Mina take their places at the table and grab up their glasses also. I sit here, staring at my glass, and Mina clears her throat, staring at me until I realize that I was holding up a toast of some sort. So I grip my glass and as I stand I tip it and spill all of its red contents onto the table. Mina giggles and my Father sighs, but Jonah comes to my aide so unexpectedly. I step back and realize that the wine has spilled onto my white dress and Jonah gently dips a napkin into my glass of water and starts to dab it. His hand gently brushes the bottom of my newly budding breasts and I stumble backwards. He catches my arm and smiles at me. My heart flutters as I look into his soft eyes, surrounded by beautifully, thick eyelashes and Mina starts to cough, acting as if she cannot catch her breath. Jonah leaves me and returns to her, asking her if she is alright and I stand there, stained in red, wondering why. Why he came to me and why he had to be so pretty, even more so than when we had met years ago.
Mina miraculously survives her choking fit and Jonah stands there, touching her shoulder as she nods and glances at me, giving me her sinister grin, as she covers her mouth with her napkin. I then feel it again. That twinge of bitterness that I had in our room. This is new to me, but for some reason I like it. Perhaps it is hate, who knows. I mean I have swallowed so much over the years and accepted myself as a murderer of sorts. Perhaps I am finally feeling the frustration that has gripped my heart and let Mina control me forever it seems.
“Mia.” I hear and it almost startles me. I look to my Father who had his glass still in his hand. “Change your clothing.” He says, sinking my heart as he sounds irritated. I know this may seem pathetic and in many ways it most certainly is. Even this small thing, his acknowledgement of me fills me with a dark joy. I need his voice and honestly I cannot remember the last time I had heard it directed at me.
I nod and run to the staircase, heading back to our room. I’m so happy to be able to get out of this dress and into something less itchy and frilly regardless the reasoning for it. I hate dressing up and quite honestly Mina dresses us both like freaks to a certain degree, all frilly and girl like, painted faces… shiny shoes. Like dolls, living dolls.
I pull the dress off, letting it drop to the floor. I stand there in my white bra and panties, catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I turn sideways and narrow my eyes as I stare at the bruises on my back and legs, bruises inflicted by Mina. She likes to play rough and I tend to bruise easily, but she does not for some reason, which I always thought was odd. I mean, we are twins, we should be similar in nature, but we are not. I hear the doorknob turn behind me and quickly run into the closet, pulling the door closed a little. I guess I would not react this way if we did not have guests, which is something we hardly ever have. I peek out into the room and see Mina standing there. Her arms are crossed over her chest and I decide to step out, half covering myself. She stares me down and shakes her head.
“You just had to pull me away didn’t you?” she says with bitterness.
I shake my head no as I look at her face. She looks irritated, more so than usual.
“I don’t know what you think… that you need attention? Jonah does not see you, Mia.” she adds with a venomous tone to her voice.
“What? No… Mina, I am clumsy, I didn’t mean to…”
She approaches me quickly and takes ahold of my hair. I fall to my knees as she twists her hand and it causing a sharp pain in my head.
“Mina... please,” I say as I grab her hand. She slaps me, with her free hand, across my face.
“You need to tell me you are sick.” she says as she grits her teeth.
“What?” I asked her as I struggle to get free.
“Tell me that you do not fe
el well so I can go back down there and tell them that you will not be returning to dinner.”
“I am hungry, Mina.”
She throws me onto my back and sits on me, trapping my arms against my chest with her knees. She presses down as hard as she can and I gasp for air.
“Say it.” she says as she looks at me with more hatred.
“I can’t breathe…” I try to spit out as she presses harder and then I hear it, a voice in my head. It starts low as the pain of her knees make my eyes water and my vision blur. It was a whisper and then as clear as day.
“Kill her.” I grit my teeth and Mina yells at me as she presses as hard as she can against my chest. The voice yells in my head louder than anything I have ever heard before. “KILL HER!” it screams at me.
“OKAY!” I scream as loudly as I can. Mina stands up, and stares down at me as I roll onto my side, sucking in air. It feels good in my lungs, almost stinging, as it expands my bruised and sore chest.
“Good.” Mina says and she leaves me there on the floor. I look down and realize that I had peed myself. I push myself up, shaking and wet, and went into our large bathroom, stripping my clothing off as I start to cry. I throw my panties into the trash can and stand there, rubbing my chest and then I look up at the mirror. A girl stands before me. … Well, it is me or it could be Mina? She looks as Mina does so often, dark eyes, sinister grin… bad intention. Hatred I would assume. She is hate, and bile. All of the things I do not want to be. She smiles and I step back, but she does not move in the mirror. I take a deep breath and try to focus, but the lack of air has made my head swim. Suddenly, the reflection begins to speak to me and I look at her again, in complete shock.
“You heard me.” The reflection says, no question, and I nod slowly, deciding that perhaps being agreeable would be the best course of action. “Good, now to plan.” she says as she walks off to the side of the mirror and I lose sight of her. She returns as I lean in slowly and I jump back. She grins at me, again obviously happy that she had startled me.
She pulls out a knife and starts to stare at it as she slowly moves it in front of her face. I watch the light play off of the blade and she looks at me in a blur and it startles me. As if the fact that I was staring at myself in the mirror and having a conversation was not enough to make me crazy. “You see this?” she asks me.
I nod again, unable to talk really.
“This is what you need to do.”
She raises the knife to her throat and cuts it slowly as I grimace. She smiles as blood starts to stream down her dress and turn it from white to red, resembling the spill that I had inflicted upon myself at the table.
I shake my head and then close my eyes. When I open them up, I am standing, facing the mirror, dressed in my frilly white dress and Mina pops her head in, scarring me half to death.
“Come, Mia!” she says to me. I look back at the mirror and it was me still, in my dress, unstained, as if nothing had happened at all.
“They will be here anytime now!” Mina yells out.
I stand there for a while longer and then step out of the bathroom. I look at her as she does her last bit of primping on herself in our vanity. She turns to me and I know I look pale and sweaty.
“Mia?” Mina asks as she walks towards me, looking into my face. “Are you sick?”
I nodded and look down as I start to cry.
“Oh.” She hugs me and then backs away, touching my face. “Lay down.” She says gently and I walk to the bed and lay down. She covers me up, touches my hair and grins. “I will tell them that you are ill and could not come to dinner. I will have the maid make you some soup, okay?”
I nod, pulling the covers up around my neck, and close my eyes. Sleep will fix this, it has to. I will not lie and say memory glitches have not plagued me before this, just never quite so vivid and certainly void of meeting someone in a mirror. I grip my pillow tightly and lean into it, holding my breath as long as I can until sleep comes to give some relief…
***
I wake up to noise, more noise than I usually ever hear in the house, and I pull the covers from my face. Blinking, I glance over towards the window and realize that night is here. What time it is, who knows, but it is pitch black and my stomach is growling. I place my hand over my stomach as I push myself up and lean against the headboard. Another clatter rang out and I look at my closed door, narrowing my eyes and pressing against my stomach. The growl came again and I swallow hard, my throat feeling dry.
I slowly move to the edge of my bed and place my feet to the cold floor, but it didn’t send the shock through my system as it normally did each morning. In fact it felt good, better than good. Kind of like a nice warm shower but it didn’t faze me long enough because another noise catches my attention. It sounds as if it is coming from down the hallway, so I decide to get up and investigate.
As I move towards the door, I hear what I think is someone screaming and it stops me as my heart jumps. I slowly reach for the door, but then it opens quickly and Mina turns to look at me with a tray in her hands, stopping with a jerk. I watch as the soup in the bowl spills onto the tray and she glances at it, then she looks back at me. I take a step back and Mina comes in, catching the door with her foot and shutting it behind her. She sighs and looks at me, tilting her head.
“I have brought you some soup, it’s delicious,” she says as she watches me.
“Thank you.” I say, as I step back again feeling for the bed behind me. I sit down and wait.
She sits down next to me, picks up the pink laced napkin and tucks it into my nightgown. Mina then picks up the oversized silver spoon, dips it into the bowl and slides it along the rim. She then lifts it to my mouth. I open without protest and eat it, chewing slowly and then I look at her.
“What is this?” I ask her.
“Chicken soup.” she says as she dips the spoon again and raises it to my mouth.
“It tastes different.” I say as she shoves it into my mouth.
“New recipe, we had it for dinner, which was amazing by the way.” Mina says with a mocking tone. I stop chewing and swallow.
“Jonah and Lily were here.” I say under my breath.
Mina smiles and shoves the spoon into my mouth again. I chew the meat and swallow slowly.
“Oh Mia... he is just... Oh!” She stands up and does an all too unnecessary twirl, letting her arms fly out to her sides. I will admit I feel a twinge of jealousy when she does it and I watch her as my heartbeat thuds in my chest. She then stops and grins at me, almost in a sorrowful way, like she is, indeed, sorry for me.
“Glad you had fun.” I stand up and stretch my arms out. She comes to me in a flash and stands in my face, staring me down. I lower my arms and study her face, knowing that I had annoyed her with my lack of enthusiasm. She pushes me down on the bed and crawls up on top of me, stroking my hair and looking at it.
“You know, I think it would be best if we didn’t look exactly the same.” She says to me. I stare at her, moving a little and she squeezes her knees against my sides. She reaches over and grabs something from the tray and then I see them; a large pair of scissors. My heart jumps up into my throat as she studies them and I try to scoot back, but it is impossible with her pressing down on me. She looks at my hair, then grabs a handful and before I could yell out, she cut off a chunk of it, holding it in her hand. She smiles and looks back at me. In true me fashion, I freeze in fear with her. She continues to cut away at my long hair and I close my eyes, letting her do it. I feel like crying, but instead of giving her the satisfaction, I float away again, dreaming of a different place, different life…one without Mina and this prison of a life.
I suddenly heard nothing, no snipping, no giggles from Mina and I open my eyes. I am standing in the bathroom, scissors in hand. I look up and my hair is cut short, black hair lying all over the bathroom floor. I drop the scissors and they clanged as they hit the wooden floor, sliding somewhat away from me. I take a deep breath and try to steady myself. I did no
t just do this. I did not just cut my beautiful hair off… did I? I look around quickly and no Mina, no tray, no soup bowl. I step out of the bathroom and look to my window. Light is streaming through it across the floor, and the bed, lighting up the room. I hear my door open and the maid steps in. She drops the dress she held in her hand, with a look of horror on her face. She runs to me and touches my head, muttering something under her breath.
I look at her and grin; it is the only thing I feel like doing. Odd it seems to be. She shakes her head, and then takes my hands and cries as she places her face to my hands. I have no idea why she feels so emotional about hair. I mean, its hair, that’s all. It will grow again. She steps back from me and walks to the dress, picking it up and then she turns back to me while wiping her eyes.
“Miss. Mia… we need to get you ready for dinner.” She says.
I narrow my eyes and place my hands to my hips.
“Dinner?” I ask her.
She sighs and walks to me. She starts to undress me and I let her. I feel calm, like the cutting of my hair was a release. One that I needed and I cannot wait to see Mina’s face when she sees me. I mean she will just die, I know it. I mean… I thought she was cutting my hair…. wait… wait…
***
I open my eyes and I stand in the entryway of our house. I glance to my right and have no idea how I got here. I mean, the maid was just dressing me and then I thought of my hair and Mina and…
“Mia.” I hear.
I look to my left and my Father is standing there, looking quite handsome. He is dressed in his white shirt, blue tie and black dress jacket with matching black pants. I look down at his shiny shoes, and then I look down at my dress and realize I am in red, a deep red. A dress I had never seen, but it felt good. I turn to the large wall mirror and stare at myself. My hair is short now, but I have a red ribbon in it, matching my dress. My shoes are black and flat, but shiny like my Fathers. I turn back to him and grin as I touch my hair. He gives me no nod, no smile, nothing to show that he approves of my new hair and I decide to not say anything, as I usually do. All the talking comes from Mina anyway. She is the talker, the aggressive one, the one who everyone loves. I bet if she had cut her hair my Father would be dotting over her and telling her how pretty she looked.
