Down to the Bone

by Mayra Lazara Dole

  “She dropped me off and said she needed to get going,” I said.

  She texted me once. I gave her the same response, “If u and Rick r ever not an item, call me. For now, stay away; it’s the best thing 4 Elless and us. I’m going to start dating girls. I wish u & ur family the very best.”

  Luckily, she stopped trying to communicate with me.

  At first, so many memories flooded my brain, but as the week wound down, I felt better and calmer about my decision.

  London arrived tanned and refreshed, and with plenty of shark tales. He called to tell me he wouldn’t let me go so easily. “You’ll give me one last chance,” he said with confidence in his voice.

  I let him know we were definitely broken up, but I’d meet with him only as a friend, because I needed to come clean.

  He’s driving me to South Beach pier, with the Jeep windows open. It’s freezing, and my nose and ears are numb, but the wind feels good on my face.

  I say to London, “I have something important to tell you.”

  But he insists, “We’ll talk about everything later. Let’s go for ice cream first, then dancing at Papaya’s, where we first met.”

  There’s nothing like ice cream on the most frigid day of the year.

  He’s also got something important to tell me, which makes me nervous. I suspect he didn’t take my breakup seriously. He might profess his never-ending love, thinking a promise ring will change my mind. He says a little dancing first will make everything easier.

  I ask him, “Tell me now.” But he won’t. London is that way. He likes things set a certain way, and he won’t bend even if you’ve got a machete to his chorizo.

  We come to Moo ice cream shop. The walls are filled with photographs of Cuba. All ice-cream cones are topped with tiny chocolate bongos.

  London orders a triple-decker guanabana, anon, and chocolate on a cone. “¡Delicioso!” He radiates happiness and all I want is to blurt out what I must tell him.

  I order two scoops of tres leches topped with flan cream.

  We stroll the boardwalk savoring our ice creams and reach Papaya’s at the end of the pier. The waves are crashing loudly underneath, but I feel them rolling inside me. I’m desperate to speak.

  “Listen. Let’s forget about dancing. I need to talk now,” I insist.

  “Later. I’m serious. I told you I’ve got a surprise for you. Don’t ruin it.”

  We finish our ice creams and enter into a cloud of smoke and loud disco music. There’s a bunch of people dancing. Tazer and Elicia yank me by one arm, and Jaylene and Rosa by the other.

  “Holy pube! What are you guys doing here?” I slap my face in surprise.

  “Soli asked us to come.” They pull me smack into the middle of the dance floor and whisper to me, “We think Soli has something planned.”

  London follows. “I invited Soli and Paublo to come, and a bunch of our friends from work. It’s great she invited you guys. The more the merrier.” His eyes bounce around the club. “Is Soli here?”

  Soli, Paublo and Gisela appear from a cloud of smoke and start dancing with us. “I asked Gisela to join us,” Soli informs me with a twisted look on her face. She whispers into my ear, “This is your last chance. You know I’m on vacation. Paublo and I are leaving at midnight to Key West for two weeks. I won’t see you till your birthday. Hope I come home to good news.” She goes back to throwing her arms in the air and shuffling her feet to the rhythm.

  “Hola, Shai.” Gisela’s smoothly swaying her curvy hips in front of me. Like a magnet, I move slowly around her. We watch each other’s moves. London walks away to a table, to talk with friends he invited.

  Gisela comes closer and smiles right in front of my face. “Bella, funny that fate should bring us together again, eh?” I get a glimpse of London, yakking away.

  Once the song is over, I force myself to stop dancing.

  “Hey, I really love dancing with you, but I need do something important. We’ll shake and move some more later.” I wave goodbye, and walk away.

  Gisela follows me to the table. She hasn’t a clue that London and I had been dating. London, being the gentleman that he is, pulls out a chair and invites Gisela to sit with his friends and us.

  He introduces everyone to Gisela—I already know them—“This is Sarita, Morena, Taíno and Gitano.”

  We spread kisses. I sit next to London, wringing my hands over and over again. I excuse myself and take him to the side a minute. “Listen, what I need to tell you is that I’m not who you think I am—”

  He interrupts. “Shai. You’re always on this same note, then you change your tune. Once you see what I’ve planned at midnight, you’ll never say those famous words, ‘I just want to be friends’ again.”

  It’s as if I were talking to a pair of socks. He never listens.

  “We’re not a couple and we need to talk, now.”

  “You must be PMSing.” He takes me by surprise and smacks me one on my lips. “If you keep this up, you’ll ruin the surprise. Just have a good time and chill till midnight. Let’s go.”

  “No. Wait!”

  He walks away from me. I don’t want to make a scene and I follow.

  We get back to the table. He puts his arm behind my chair and starts talking with his friends about car races he’d like to see. I won’t allow him to put his arm around me, but if he does, I don’t want to make drama in front of his friends. I have such a strange mix of feelings. I think I’m finally going crazy.

  I converse with his friends awhile. “Gisela is Jaylene and Rosa’s friend.” I point to them. “We met at Cha-Cha’s, then at Viva’s party.” I talk about Astro Viva and her antics, and they enjoy my stories.

  The conversation twists and twirls. “Let’s get away from the blasting music, have drinks outside by the bar, and play pool.” London’s eyes veer over to his friends. “Shai hates alcohol, but it’s a special occasion. Come on!”

  Everyone stands up except Gisela and me.

  “If you drink, I’m not going home with you. Remember that you’re driving,” I remind him.

  “I’m just having one drink, Shai.” I know he’s lying. He turns to Gisela. “Let’s go!”

  “Sorry. I don’t drink either. I’ll take you up on playing pool later.”

  “Both your losses.” He leans into me and almost kisses my lips. I abruptly turn my face and his lips smack me a big wet one on my cheek. “Go dance, have fun.” He faces Gisela. “Take care of my one and only,” he adds sweetly, yet strongly. I wish he wouldn’t speak that way, especially not now that we’re not together. “We’ll be back soon.”

  I drastically change the subject. “Did you have a good time at Viva’s party?”

  “It could’ve been riveting if we’d spent some time together.”

  Damn. This girl is into serious confrontation. I tilt my head away from her, toward the dance floor and catch Jaylene, Elicia, Soli, Tazer and Rosa talking up a storm. They catch me looking and smile.

  My hands are sweaty. I rub them back and forth on my thighs over my corduroy pants.

  Gisela slips off her boots and places her feet on the chair. She hugs her knees and stares at me freely. I watch her from the corner of my eye. Her index finger and thumb are rubbing the turquoise hanging on a thin green strap from her neck. I find her eyes and fleshy shapely body so striking, and I’m so attracted to her I could die.

  “Why did London call you his ‘one and only’?”

  “He still thinks we’re dating.” I come clean and tell her a bit about my relationship with him.

  She sits up straight, holding her knees, looking deeply into my eyes for answers. “Soli didn’t tell me you were seeing a guy.” She puts one foot down and leaves a knee up. “I didn’t realize you were bi. I thought you were lesbian, like me, through and through.” She shakes her head. “I have nothing against bi’s. In fact, all my friends are bi, but I’m not into dating bi’s again. My ex professed having been born a lesbian and she left me for a guy. I get a lot
of shit about this from my bi friends, but I know what I want. I’d like to be with someone who stomps their foot down and says, ‘I’m a lesbian!’”

  I grab a glass of ice water, gulp it down fast, and munch on some ice. I clasp my hands together around the glass and squeeze it hard. “I hate labels, but I know what I love.”

  “Are you confused?” she asks earnestly, examining my eyes, trying hard to figure me out.

  “No,” I answer fast and honestly. I explain why London and I were together so long. And I add, “I did everything possible to fall in love with him, but emotional closeness just never happened.”

  She stuffs the balled-up napkin into my empty glass and lowers her other foot onto the floor. “Maybe you could have fallen in love with him if you’d gone all the way, like he thought.”

  I look her smack in the eye. “Never.” My heartbeat is so strong I can hear it. “I don’t know why, but I just can’t fall wholeheartedly for a guy. I always feel there’s something missing.”

  Her eyes glisten with question marks. “So, why does he still think you’re together if you’re no longer an item?”

  I place the glass down and fidget with a napkin. “In the past, I ended up letting him talk me into staying with him after I broke it off twice. After a while, he stopped taking me seriously.”

  She grabs the napkin I’m fidgeting with, rolls it into a ball, holds it in her hand, and splashes in. “The day I saw you at Cha-Cha’s my heart took a flying leap. You had sparks in your eyes, too, but at Viva’s party you pushed me away. I’ve been thinking about you, on and off, since we first met.” Her sparkling eyes glow. “Soli shouldn’t have invited me over to meet you if you’re here with the guy you’re no longer dating who thinks he’s still involved with you.”

  “Soli wants you and me together. I’m psyched she invited you, because I haven’t been able to get you out of my mind either. I was planning on going to see you Sunday morning at Cha-Cha’s. I called them and found out the schedule of ‘my favorite waitress.’” I smile. “I know exactly what I want, but first I have to tell London the truth. I need this time with him. Can I call you tomorrow so we can get together?”

  She abruptly gets up. “Hey, if I’ve waited four hundred years and two days for you, I don’t see how another day will make a difference, unless I die tonight, then it’s your loss.” I appreciate her sense of humor. “Okay. I’ll expect your call tomorrow. I’m excited about seeing you again.” She asks for my cell and puts in my digits. “Good luck.” She kisses my cheek and bails.

  I head over to London with a jumpy stomach. He’s sitting at the bar talking to his friends, waiting for his turn at the pool table. I edge my way to him. He looks toward me with a loving expression.

  I sit next to him and whisper into his ear. “I wasn’t involved with Mario. Her name was Marlena.”

  There’s an empty silence between us. Suddenly, his expression changes to confusion. “Are you serious?”

  The DJ puts on loud, shrieky music. The smoke and noise bothers me. “We’ll be right back,” I tell everyone, and we walk outdoors.

  He leans his back against a wall. His eyes dart around. The night is dark and windy. He raises his voice. “I can’t believe you never told me.”

  I tell him the entire story, from when I got thrown out of school, till my wanting to fall in love with him so my mother would accept me. “I’m so sorry if I hurt your feelings. I should have told you from day one. I was conflicted because I was physically attracted to you. But in all honesty, I love you as a person, and will always remember the great times we had together. It’s just that I can’t fall in love with a guy. It’s not you. You’re incredible.”

  “You suck! Were you faking having a good time with me in bed, too?” I hate that sex is his only focus.

  “No. I swear! Being with you that way was fantastic. I loved every minute.” I explain about my inability to profoundly and deeply fall for guys. I let him know it can only happen with girls.

  “Oh. You used me so your mother would think you’re straight and take you back?”

  “No. I thought for sure, in time, I’d fall for you.” I give him a friendly peck on his cheek. “Please forgive me. Believe me, London, I wanted us to be in love. I didn’t want to hurt you on purpose.”

  He wipes the kiss with his hand. “Judas.”

  “London, please. Don’t treat me so mean.”

  “I have news for you too,” he blurts in a heated tone. “When you said you weren’t coming with me to the Bahamas I invited this chick, Lorili, who’s hot for me. We hooked up at a hotel and had the time of our lives on a boat. That’s why I didn’t call or text you.” He would have never come clean if he hadn’t wanted to hurt me back. “But it was just raw sex, and you’re a better lover even being a virgin and all. I ended up missing you and I knew I’d never do that again.”

  “I guess we’re even.”

  “We’re not even. Asshole! The reason I wanted to come here is this.” He takes out a silver ring from his pocket and shoves it in my face. “But instead, you took me for a fool.”

  “You knew we were broken up. But if you were in love with me as you say, and you slept around, it’s weird you think I’m the only jerk here.”

  “We had great sex but you never went all the way. I’m a man, you know? If a beautiful girl throws herself at a guy, he’s going to go for it. I don’t care what any guy says. It’s our nature.”

  “I hope you used protection.”

  “Shut up! Why’d you lead me on?”

  I open my mouth to explain, but he growls, “Fuck you!” and takes off in the direction of his Jeep.

  21—Digging Into Love

  I called and texted London, but he didn’t respond. When I went to see him after work, he wouldn’t allow me in his house. Ending things in a friendly way, without him feeling hatred for me, or calling me horrible names, is what I wanted. I feel sad, but relieved for both of us. Now he can go on with his life and find a straight girl who really loves him. I finally did what we both needed, but I just wish I hadn’t hurt him so much.

  I called Gisela this morning and asked her to meet me at the beach.

  I get to the edge of the pier and find Gisela. We embrace and sit, feeling the cool night air blowing on our faces. Our feet dangle down toward the crashing waves. I zip up my wool jacket and rub my hands together.

  Her eyes gleam when she smiles. “I can’t believe we’re finally on a date.”

  “Yeah. I know I haven’t acted as if I was into you, but I swear, there’s something about you that hits me hard.”

  She takes my hand in hers and murmurs, “Now you’re talking.” Her breath tickles my ear, and I feel a tingling sensation sliding down my spine.

  The pier starts to get crowded. My heart beats faster as her mouth comes closer to my lips. I lean farther away and let go of her hand. “I want to kiss you, but there’s too many people around.”

  “So what. If they don’t like it, it’s their problem. If folks don’t see more girls together, out and about, doing normal everyday things, they’ll never get used to us.”

  “You’re right. I’m just a really private person.” I squeeze her hand and sense butterflies in my chest. “Let’s walk on the sand to the water,” I say, feeling a warm sensation inside. We take off our shoes and do just that.

  A silvery light shines over the waves as I sit on the sand, facing the ocean. She plunks next to me, looking out into the horizon. Finally, everything inside me feels right. I’m at peace, one with myself, and all around me. I haven’t felt that in a long, long time.

  We ask each other many questions. She tells me more specific things she’s interested in, such as sailing, scuba diving, kayaking, hiking, swimming and camping. And she’s fascinated with Cuba, zoology and anthropology. She confides, “You know, the first day I met you, I wanted to impress you and I chose my words carefully.”

  “You could have babbled and you would’ve awed me.”

  I draw her profi
le on the sand as we talk about our lives. She tells me, “After my parents got divorced and moved to different states, they allowed me to stay in Miami, living with Abuelita Carmina and Abuelito Alberto.”

  “Can I meet your abuelitos?”

  “Definitely. They’d love you.”

  I ask her about her relationships.

  “I was involved with Sonia, the bi I told you about, for a year-and-a-half till she moved to New York. I couldn’t leave my grandparents after my grandmother got Alzheimer’s. She became upset and instantly found a boyfriend. I’ve dated for a while and it’s taken some time to get over her. I wanted to wait until the right person came along.”

  Just my type of girl.

  She asks me questions about my life. I tell her the important things that have happened to me from the day of the Incident, until this very moment, including my whirlwind, two-hour affair with Marlena, whom I still care about dearly but am no longer interested in rekindling our relationship.

  “I’ve only been in love once, with Marlena, and we were both closeted. I don’t know anything about being an out lesbian, or dating gay girls. From now on, I’m just doing what feels right for me.” In the sand, I sketch her bushy wild locks flying about her head.

  The sun starts to dip slowly into the horizon. Streaks of reds and pinks splash the sky. I press my lips against hers as the orange sun plunges into the sea.

  Cozying up next to her, with our arms wrapped around each other, I feel all my pain and confusion melt away. I love holding Gisela in my arms, with her spicy scent around me.

  We go into a much deeper kiss as I caress her face. Her kisses float me toward the water, where we’re two waves, crashing as one. Now that I’ve found her, and she feels the same about me, I hope we can make it work.

  Her mouth lands on my closed eyes for sweet kisses on my eyelids. “That was the greatest, most delicious kiss of my life.”

  I smile. “You’re the best kisser in the history of the world.”

  “No. You are. I could make out with you all day and all night long until we both die. Do you believe in karma?” she asks.