Instrument of Chaos

by Rebecca Hall

  “It’s not like that,” Mitch said, fighting to keep his voice level. If she really believed that why the hell hadn’t she broken up with him herself?

  “The hell it isn’t,” Amelie yelled, finally turning to face him. Her eyes were full of tears but she wasn’t crying yet. “It’s always about him.”

  “Well this time it’s about you,” Mitch said, his own voice rising. “I don’t love you Amelie, I’m not sure I ever did. Sometimes I’m not even sure I like you.”

  “Because you’re in love with Nikola.”

  “Because of who you are, because of what you’re willing to do to get what you want. Even leaving Nikola aside this wouldn’t work, we wouldn’t work, and I should have seen that sooner.”

  “And just what is it about me that you find so objectionable?”

  “Don’t do this Amelie,” Mitch shook his head. “It’s over, can’t we just leave it alone?”

  Amelie glared at him. “Because you keep insisting that it’s my fault when you’ve spent all year fawning over someone else.”

  “It’s not your fault,” Mitch said, “I was just… Forget it. I don’t hate you Amelie and I don’t want to but I don’t love you either and I don’t want to be with you.” He started towards his room, he’d pack his bags and get on the next bus to Christchurch. He didn’t think he’d be able to stay here.

  The letters were yanked out of his hands and into the air.

  “Amelie,” Mitch yelled, spinning to face her once more. He’d never thought that she could be this petty.

  “You don’t need them,” she said. “We both know that you’re just going to run off to be with him.”

  “He’s in a coma,” Mitch said through gritted teeth. And even if he hadn’t been, Nikola deserved better. Mitch needed to sort himself out first.

  “I hope he stays that way,” Amelie said, magically shredding the letters until they were nothing more than confetti which she threw at his face.

  And you wonder why I’m breaking up with you, Mitch thought as he hurried out of the room. He didn’t say anything though, he couldn’t, not when he’d heard her voice shaking, not when he’d seen the tears trailing down her face. He might not understand all that had passed between them but it was clear that she was hurting.

  He slammed his bedroom door shut and leaned against it, panting. Bits of letter confetti rained from his hair.

  “I have the worst taste in girls,” he muttered, sinking to the floor. He needed to pack, he needed to leave, but for a long time he just sat there and stared vacantly at another home that he’d have to leave.

  I Love You

  “Stop pacing,” Sieg ordered, “you’re scaring my fish.”

  “What fish?” Mitch asked, continuing to pace. “I’ve never seen a single fish in there.”

  Sieg sighed and reeled in his fishing line, “That’s because you keep pacing.”

  “I just…” Mitch stopped pacing around the edge of the ornamental and fish-free pond and ran a hand through his hair. “I haven’t seen Nikola in over a month,” Mitch said. He’d written everyday but Nikola had been comatose. Now he was awake. And writing. That was a good sign.

  “And you think wearing a track in my grass will help?”

  “It’s a gravel path,” Mitch retorted, forcing himself to sit on the narrow bridge over the pond instead of pacing again. Nikola’s letter had been short but it had said that Gawain would come to take him back to Faerie. He checked his watch, Gawain still wasn’t due to arrive for another five minutes. Assuming his watch was working properly.

  “You’re going to give yourself RSI,” Sieg said.

  “I was just–”

  “Checking the time for the hundredth time this minute,” Sieg finished for him. “Are you packed? I doubt this will be a short trip.”

  Mitch nodded. He was packed, though his packing mostly consisted of books and the letters Nikola had sent him, it wasn’t like he needed to take clothes to Faerie, they even provided him with underwear.

  “It’s all by the door.” Mitch checked his watch again, waiting until the second hand ticked forward before looking away so he could be sure it was still working. He drummed his fingers on the bridge.

  “Why don’t you check your room again,” Sieg said. “Make sure you haven’t forgotten anything.”

  Leave me to fish in peace you mean, Mitch thought but he got up anyway. It was something to do. His room was clean and tidy, even after a month of habitation. He’d neatly folded everything and put it away instead of using his normal floordrobe system. It had made packing his favourite clothes easier. He looked around, certain there was nothing else that he wanted to take and turned sharply when someone knocked on the open door.

  “Hayley,” Mitch gasped.

  She beamed at him, she was practically glowing and her eyes were a brilliant blue instead of the shining white that he’d come to loathe.

  “Hello Mitchell.”

  “What are you doing here?” he asked warily. “If you want Nikola again…” Then what? He couldn’t hurt her and he certainly couldn’t kill her. If he never killed anything ever again it would be too soon. His last sight of Michael flashed through his mind and he looked away. He hadn’t wanted to see Hayley, or any other angel, again.

  “Belle said that I could find you here if I hurried,” she said.

  “Great,” Mitch muttered. He wished that Gawain had come early. Just five minutes and he wouldn’t have to deal with this at all.

  “It was you wasn’t it?”

  “What was me?” Mitch asked bitterly.

  “The curse,” Hayley said, taking a step forward. “You broke it.”

  Mitch shrugged. It had been Michael who broke it, he just wielded the sword.

  “Does that mean it’s over?” he asked, “The war.”

  “It…” Hayley sighed. “No. Raphael is furious.”

  “Then what the hell was it for?” Mitch yelled, glaring at her. “Tell me, what the fuck did I sacrifice everything for if you’re still trying to kill each other?”

  “We can move past this Mitchell,” Hayley said. “Raphael can move past this, it will just take a little time.”

  Mitch snorted, “And what’s that to you? A century? A millennium? You were around when the damned dinosaurs roamed the Earth and then you wiped them out.”

  “We didn’t mean for that to happen,” Hayley said. “And we’ll try Mitch. I promise you, humanity won’t go the way of the dinosaurs.”

  “At least not until some other idiot casts a curse.”

  Hayley’s eyes flashed white, “That’s not going to happen again.”

  “It happened last time and you went to war for how many billions of years?”

  Hayley sighed heavily. “I know you’re angry Mitch but you did a good thing, I hope you know that.”

  “It doesn’t feel like it,” Mitch muttered. He looked at his hands, still unmarked by blood. There was nothing to tell the outside world what he’d done, only his glamoured fangs to indicate that he was a monster at all.

  “What happened?” Hayley asked, her voice suddenly softer. Mitch glanced at her and saw that her eyes had reverted to a pale blue. He shook his head. He hadn’t told Sieg the details and he sure as hell wasn’t going to tell her. He’d told Nikola in his letters but that wasn’t the same as telling someone in person.

  Besides, he’d murdered her brother. Maybe she’d try to kill him and maybe she’d understand, the thought that it might be the latter sickened him almost as much as the knowledge that he had killed Michael.

  “Mitch–” she reached for his shoulder and he flinched. Her hand dropped to her side. “Just… one more thing, did you see Michael at all?”

  Mitch felt as if the ground had opened up beneath him, he almost would have preferred it. No, he would have welcomed it. Everything else had tried to eat him, why not the earth itself?

  “He’s gone,” he said, staring resolutely at the ground.

  Hayley sighed, “I’d hoped that…
Perhaps he reincarnated.”

  “He didn’t,” Mitch said. Michael hadn’t wanted to reincarnate.

  “We’ll check,” Hayley said, her voice falsely optimistic. “Thank you Mitch, if you ever need anything–”

  “Just stay away from me,” Mitch said, “all of you, and Nikola as well.” He’d murdered Michael and part of him was desperate to beg for them to return the favour. Raphael probably wouldn’t even hesitate. Nikola had always insisted that he wasn’t a monster but there was no denying it now.

  “Alright,” Hayley took a step back. “If you ever need anything just call.”

  “I won’t.”

  She vanished and out the window Mitch saw Gawain coming up the drive.

  #

  “Where are we going?” Mitch asked. He’d never quite got the layout of the Seelie Court, it was all courtyards and no external walls, but he was almost certain that they weren’t headed in the direction of Nikola’s room.

  “We had to move Nikola to the edge of the court,” Gawain said. “There was too much magic where he used to live.”

  “What do you mean too much magic?” Mitch asked, skipping a step so he could walk alongside Gawain instead of trailing along behind him, even if it did mean walking in the sun. At least he’d remembered his sunglasses.

  “Deep Faerie worsened his condition,” Gawain said softly. “Just try not to use too much magic around him.”

  “How much is too much?” Mitch asked, mentally translating it into none.

  “Good question, he can tolerate the wards and the enchantments on his books but I can’t heal him while he’s conscious now.”

  Mitch gulped, Gawain always kept Nikola conscious while he fiddled with his brain.

  “I’ll be careful,” Mitch promised.

  Gawain gave him a fleeting smile. “You weren’t the one we were worried about in any case.”

  “She’s not here is she?” Mitch asked, looking around and trying not to jump every time he saw a flash of blonde hair.

  “No,” Gawain said. “She’s staying in Berlin with Aimee, she’s going to enrol next semester. And Isane has gone to join her.” He sounded an odd combination of relieved and angry. With them in Berlin he didn’t have to worry about what Amelie and Isane might say, but they were also the people who should have been closest to Nikola.

  “So don’t use magic,” Mitch said. “Anything else? The impressions?”

  “That at least seems to be better,” Gawain said. “Though it’s not something we’ve really tested.”

  “We must be getting close,” Mitch said a minute later. He sniffed. “I can smell cookies.”

  Gawain laughed, “There are other bakers here you know, but yes.” He opened the door into a large open plan living area and kitchen. Not that the Seelie Court seemed to be familiar with any other plans, they seemed to believe in building with as few walls as possible and the edges of court were no exception. One wall was completely open, looking out into a grassy courtyard with tidy flowerbeds. An apple tree shaded one end while along the sides he could make out four normalish sized bedrooms. Outside of Faerie they would have been considered large, with desks, four poster beds, armchairs and walk-in wardrobes, but Nikola had had a full dining suite in his old room.

  “There’s a library upstairs,” Morrigan said. She was sitting at the dinner table, practising teleporting a glass of water from one end to the other. Mitch stared, he’d never seen anyone other than Nikola do that.

  “It takes a lot of practise,” she said, guessing what he was thinking. At least he assumed that she was guessing, he didn’t think that she was a telepath as well.

  “He’s waiting for you,” she pointed outside. Nikola was dozing on the lawn, a book under one arm and a silken cushion under his head. A pitcher, two glasses and a plate of cookies sat on a picnic basket nearby and Fluffball was chasing butterflies under the tree.

  “I hope he remembered sunscreen,” Mitch muttered. Nikola was an almost ghostly white and he wasn’t lying in the shade at all.

  “We have wards for that,” Morrigan said. “Just leave your pack, we can sort rooms later.” Mitch nodded and left his pack on a chair.

  “Come on Gawain,” he heard Morrigan say as he stepped outside. “Let’s see how…” her voice faded away and Mitch smiled for the illusion of privacy they were being given.

  “Hey Nikola.”

  Nikola didn’t stir and Mitch sat down next to him.

  “Guess the real thing is a little more unruly,” he said, spotting the toy dog Nikola was curled up around. He eyed the cushion and decided that it was big enough for both of them. He lay down and put an arm around Nikola. They would talk later but right now it was good just to see him alive and breathing. He exhaled slowly and forced himself to relax. Nothing was going to hurt Nikola.

  “I missed you,” he whispered. Nikola rolled over and snuggled against him, resting his head on his shoulder. Mitch smiled and ran his hand through Nikola’s too short curls. Someone else must have cut them while he was unconscious.

  He glanced at the now out of reach cookies and sighed again. “You’re lucky I love you,” he said, closing his eyes.

  #

  “You could have woken me,” Nikola grumbled. He yawned and snuggled a little closer.

  “You looked happy,” Mitch said. “And generally getting you to sleep is hard enough that I’m not going to disturb you.”

  Nikola laughed, “I’m awake now, disturb away.”

  Mitch smiled and ran a hand through Nikola’s hair. It was definitely too short.

  “I don’t want to disturb you,” Mitch said. “I love you.”

  Nikola tilted his head back to look up at him and this time it wasn’t his forehead that Mitch kissed.

  “I love you too.” Nikola shifted, closing the distance between them, and kissed him again.

  “I err… I broke up with Amelie,” he said, a sudden thought occurring to him. He didn’t want Nikola to think that–

  Nikola laughed. “That was in your second letter. I admit I haven’t read all of them yet but I have read that one.”

  “Oh, good,” he said weakly.

  Nikola smiled. “How are you? It sounds like things have been difficult.”

  “I…” Mitch hesitated. He’d always told Nikola everything but Nikola had his own issues to deal with and maybe, just maybe, he could wait until Nikola was better.

  “Don’t leave me in suspense,” Nikola sat up and reached for the pitcher, pouring two glasses of water and pulling a face when he sipped his.

  “Warm?”

  Nikola nodded.

  “Here,” Mitch took the glass from him and chilled it with a touch of magic. Nikola winced. “Sorry.”

  “It’s fine,” Nikola said. “I’m just a little sensitive right now.” He sighed. “You were telling me how you are?” He offered Mitch the other glass and then shuffled back. This time when Mitch cooled the glass he didn’t react and Mitch chilled the pitcher as well before patting the ground beside him.

  “Can you actually use magic right now?” Mitch asked, wrapping an arm around Nikola’s shoulders.

  “A little,” he replied, “on the good days anyway.”

  “And on the bad days?”

  Nikola swallowed and stared at the ground. “On the bad days I lie in the dark and wait for the pain to stop.”

  “Good thing vampires like the dark then.” Mitch put his glass down and hugged him tightly. “I’m here for you Nikola, for as long as you need me.”

  “You have a life to get back to,” Nikola protested.

  “You mean a stunning career in maths and Academia? I like you more.”

  Nikola shook his head.

  “I am immortal,” Mitch reminded him. He didn’t even have to worry about the family curse now.

  “A gap year then,” Nikola said. “I’m not taking you away from your life and even if it’s not perfect, I’ll be doing better by then.”

  Mitch looked at him for a moment and then he si
ghed. “A year,” he agreed.

  “And don’t think I haven’t noticed that you’re avoiding the question.”

  “I’ll be alright,” Mitch said. “It will just take a little time.” He smiled, actually believing his own words though he hadn’t when Sieg said them. “Maybe even a year.”

  “I guess you can have a cookie then.” Nikola offered him the plate and Mitch took one before he changed his mind.

  “The impressions?” Mitch asked between mouthfuls. “Michael?”

  “He helped,” Nikola said after a long moment when Mitch feared that he wouldn’t answer at all. “I don’t think Raphael and Tevial will be a problem anymore and…” he sighed.

  “You know it wasn’t you who did those things right?” Mitch asked, remembering what Michael had said. “You have nothing to feel guilty for.”

  “What about sending Michael to his death? What about setting my best friend up to be his executioner?”

  “No,” Mitch shifted so he could look Nikola in the eye. “Michael made his choice and so did I.”

  Nikola shook his head, his eyes filling. “It wouldn’t have happened without me.”

  “You don’t know that. Nikola…” Mitch pulled out a tissue and dabbed at Nikola’s eyes. “How about we make a deal?” he asked, realising that he’d never talk Nikola around. “You try to forgive yourself for that and I try to forgive myself for Michael, for leaving you alone out there…” his voice caught. It was all too easy to see Nikola with a feather in his chest, blood leaking out to pool around him.

  “Deal,” Nikola agreed, leaning forward to hug him. Mitch held him tightly, listening to the sound of his heart and running one hand through his too short hair.

  “Nikola,” he had to force the words out. He didn’t think that Nikola would like this question but he had to know. He had to make sure it wouldn’t happen again. “What did Amelie say to make you help?”

  Nikola stiffened and drew away, refusing to make eye contact though Mitch still saw the tears.

  “Please Nikola.”

  “She said that if I… I… She always knew that I loved you. And she said that if I… It doesn’t matter.”

  “Yes it does,” Mitch growled. He could guess what came next. “Don’t do that again ok? Don’t let anyone tell you that you need to prove something or earn it or anything ok?” He brushed Nikola’s hair out of his face and cupped his chin. “Love is not a bargaining chip.”