Chasing Forever

by Pamela Ann

  Chapter 9

  Lucy

  “I think I need to go on a mission to get Toby laid.”

  The melon and prosciutto were halfway to my mouth when I froze after he’d dropped that bomb. Had I heard him right? “I beg your pardon?”

  He smiled brightly at me. “He’s been so moody. I think the poor baby needs some good lovin’.”

  Clearing my throat, I reached out for the chilled water and took a lengthy sip. “And you know this because…?”

  “Hey, it’s been a while for him. He told me so—sort of.”

  “Huh.” They were that close? Good on them… but his sex life? I wasn’t aware that Toby was forthcoming about his sexual endeavors.

  I was about to take another bite of my antipasto when I noticed that he was silent, not eating at all. He just kept staring at me. “What? Is something the matter?”

  “It is a matter of pleasure.” He cleared his throat. “I think you guys need to hook-up. Even just for one last fuck. You know, release all that anger and tension in quick thrusts and orgasms.”

  “Have you gone bloody mad?”

  “Nah.” He thought a moment before shaking his head entirely. “I don’t think so. Why?” he blinked those dark, sooty lashes at me.

  What? Gah, this bugger was about to give my heart convulsions. “Why? You know bloody why! He might think that we’d get back together again. Besides, things are quite complicated as it is. Add sex in it, and it just doesn’t make sense.”

  “Lucy, I love you. I fucking do. But I also remember hearing your screams in the bedroom. When was the last time someone rocked you that well?”

  Not since Rome. “You’re crazy.” Like I would consider it. Chad was being silly. “Did he put you up to this?”

  “Yeah, right. I think he’d more likely bang someone random, anyway,” he said thoughtfully, making me slightly aggravated. “Not like you care about that.”

  I sure did, but I wasn’t going to admit it. While Chad was now jumping subjects to Sienna and Blake’s return tomorrow, I was left with my damning thoughts… Toby with another woman. Surely after his divorce, he wouldn’t be single for long.

  Toby was sinfully gorgeous with a lean, sculpted physique that held grace and elegance. He was eloquent and had impeccable manners to a T. He was also not only brilliant in finance, he was an amazing lover. Add the fact that he had the filthiest mouth during sex only drove me crazier about him.

  Yeah, he wouldn’t be single for long.

  After my lunch with Chad, and since I didn’t have any classes for the rest of the day, I randomly took a chance at spontaneity when I walked past a salon. Since I was bent on starting over, the stylist didn’t have to convince me that hard to chop some of my locks off. Since Toby used to like my hair so much, I thought it best to let go of him—his memories—one at a time.

  That night, I met up with Chad and a few of his artsy buddies in South Kensington for drinks then later on dancing somewhere close by. The bar lounge was medium sized compared to most places I was accustomed to, but I supposed with all the eclectic paintings on the wall, it made sense to have a cozier feel to the place. The red, leather sofas that were scattered about in different angles gave it an edge. Add the corset-wearing waitresses with winged black eyeliner on their eyes, and it certainly made quite the impression for folks that were plain and boring like I was. The air was lively, the chatters were loud and people were having a nice evening.

  After dipping my nose from one book to the other, it was nice to be out and feed off other peoples’ energies. Even if I felt like death inside, it was an amazing feeling to be surrounded by laughter and positivity.

  Well, it was all positive up until I saw one of Chad’s gay friends start to get touchy with his arm. After being introduced to his friends, I tugged him to the side, whispering into his ear, “You’re married; you shouldn’t act like you’re still single and available.”

  He grinned at me, looking tipsy as he pinched my cheek. “Baby, you got nothin’ to worry about with me. I’m good,” he said before he squinted his eyes, frowning. “Something’s different with you…”

  If he hadn’t noticed my hair, yeah, he sure was drunk. “New hair,” I said self-consciously as I touched the ends of my perfectly bouncy, blow-dried do.

  His eyes bulged out, shocked. “Oh, fuck, you chopped it off! Well, most of it—wow.” He licked his bottom lip while his eyes roamed my new style; more awake compared to a minute ago. “You look fantastic,” he gushed then took hold of my hand and made me do a small twirl.

  I was pleased that I had finally had the guts to give myself a new look. I felt different—like I had been reborn and I could be whoever I wanted to be—and not the broken woman who was failing to see that there was a future beyond heartache.

  Four champagne flutes later, I was more comfortable in my own skin as I joined in the sexual jokes with Chad and his friends. The things that gay men talked about made women and their sex talk over lunch seem pretty tame.

  “I don’t think tea-bagging’s disgusting,” said Braun, the trendy editor at one of the infamous gossip rags in England. “I’m sure it’s like suckling boobs—soft and smooth, deliciously warm and comes in different sizes.”

  “Like you’d know anything about tits,” Chad chirped in. “What ya think, babe? Since you have breasts and all?”

  I blanched, almost choking on my fifth champagne serving. “Honestly, I wouldn’t know. I haven’t done the whole girl on girl thing, or tea-bagging.” I smiled cheerfully, shrugging before taking another sip.

  After the hows and whys, each and every one of them put in their two cents and gave me graphic descriptions of how to make your man happy and sated. Arguing with them that I didn’t have a man to tea-bag with was a moot point, so I listened and took a mental note of everything they told me.

  Before Toby, I had only had one sexual partner, a guy from high school who I dated for six months. His name was Oliver and he had no idea how to roam about a woman’s body. His lovemaking had been nothing spectacular, although he’d made up for it by being an amazing kisser and he had never forgotten to bring me coffee every morning. Even though there were perks of having him as my boyfriend, I couldn’t go on being with him and having to deal with restraining myself from screaming my boredom during intercourse.

  So after Oliver, I hadn’t considered myself a sexual woman. I mean, everyone had been raving over how great and amazing it was, but I had been left unconvinced. Unsatisfied.

  I became one of those women who thought sex was overrated. I had thought about nuns and how they’d joined the convent, probably after they’d encountered the same problems as I had. If one had an uneventful experience such as that, they would’ve been just as convinced as I that they didn’t need it as a part of their lifestyle. It was not that I’d hated sex, but it had only amplified how bored I was with everything related to Oliver. So when Toby had come along and brought about all of my mega crushing on him, I had never thought sex with him would be anything other than exciting. He had proved me wrong—for five days straight.

  Thinking back on how he and I had begun brought a sad smile to my face. Even drunk, there was no means of escaping him. My heart ached as I recalled how things had blossomed and unfolded between us.

  Dinner in Chinatown had never been that memorable, until now. Toby sat across from me, looking relaxed as he leaned against his chair, noticing everything I did. His heavy scrutiny had put me at the edge of my seat. Though there were other people around us, it was only him I could see and focus on. The man seemed to possess the power to enchant me, inducing all of my senses to only heighten my awareness of him—and the penetrating way he was studying at me…

  It didn’t feel intrusive. It wasn’t the kind of look that seemed like he was undressing me; it was more than that. Though we weren’t touching, through his eyes, I felt our palpable connection. Even from across the table, one sweep of his gaze completely electrified me. I felt the electricity enter my bones, shoot
ing sparks of fire all over my body.

  For a while, we vaguely discussed school and how tough it had been this semester. Although a couple times I asked him about his parents, he always shifted to a different subject. He’d answer my questions, but he wouldn’t go into detail about them. So I was left even more interested in him.

  He was blatant and yet he had his way of being shy, like when he caught me staring at him. He didn’t blush, however he was well aware of what I was doing, so he kept clearing his throat. I wasn’t sure if he was uncomfortable that I was ogling him. Maybe he didn’t like how interested I was with him. Either way, I couldn’t help myself. It was his fault that I found him mesmerizing, like how his lips would curl into a smile or how his eyes would crinkle when he thought something was funny. I took it all in like a lovesick puppy.

  I remembered thinking that, if this was the one and only time I had—this chance with him—I’d rather savor every second of it. I wasn’t going to hold back. So when our food arrived, I had to force myself to eat, hoping this minor distraction would help me focus on getting to know him better instead of gawking at him.

  At first, we just quietly started eating. Though, when he opened the subject about movies, it got the ball rolling, so to speak. I found out that he was a fan of Godfather, and yet, he also appreciated movies like Schindler’s List and My Big Fat Greek Wedding. We obviously had tons in common. Therefore, during the course of another hour, we chatted about anything and everything.

  I was saddened when we had to leave the restaurant and drive back to my apartment in Covent Garden. We were both silent the entire way, left with our own thoughts, reflecting on how dinner had gone. The journey back left me uneasy. I was bombarded with my insecurities, thinking that since he hadn’t said a thing that he regretted taking me out.

  Dark with my own thoughts, I consoled myself, saying things in my head such as I probably wasn’t popular enough, not gorgeous enough to fit the bill of being welcomed in his circle, or maybe it wasn’t about me or my physical attributes, and he had taken me out because he’d simply felt sorry for me.

  Naturally, I was a feisty kind of woman. However, for the first time, I thought it better to keep my mouth shut and not question him about anything in case he wanted to leave immediately and didn’t want to waste another pathetic breath on me. I wasn’t angry, per se… maybe frustrated that I simply didn’t have the gall to ask him to date me. I was a woman of pride, and if he rejected me, my ego would forever be broken.

  Looking outside through the window, I knew my flat was going to come up soon and he’d leave. I told myself that I was going to be gracious when I said my goodbyes. So when he parked right outside the building, I was surprised that he came out of the car and strode over to my side to open the door for me.

  My heart felt like it was stuck in my throat. I was tense, nervous and sensitive to everything around me. My senses went erratic when our eyes connected for a mere second as I slid off the seat. Fumbling with my tote for my keys, I took hold of it and let my thumb chip on the hard, cold ridges as I contemplated what to do next.

  Since he wasn’t talking still, I thought it obvious that there was nothing to come out of this. It was naïve of me to think that he might look at me differently—see me as I saw him, stripped from any artifice right down to the real person within. Power, money and heart-stopping good looks were enticing to anyone with eyesight. What person wouldn’t want those? I saw past that, though. Past his disarming smiles was a man with a pure heart and good intentions, and as hard as I yearned for him, my willpower alone couldn’t get him to be attracted to me.

  So with my brave face on, I smiled even though his silent rejection was hurting me inside. “It was very kind of you to take me out tonight. I guess I’ll be seeing you in school.” I made another super-thrilled-even-though-it-hurts kind of smile. “Thank you, Toby.”

  He frowned for a second before I made a goodbye nod and spun around, slowly walking towards the building entrance with shaky legs. Again, much to my surprise, I felt him follow me.

  My dampened mood instantly took a different turn. My pathetic, internal wallowing vanished. They were instantly replaced with provoking thoughts of him and I having sex in a bed, and there was no stopping it. I didn’t want to come off as an easy lay, but I was going out of my mind for this guy.

  For a long time, I had secretly wanted him, and now that this might be the opportunity to further that need, I just might push my luck tonight. I mean, desperate women always used sex as a weapon. I wasn’t a fan of Anne Boleyn, yet I sure wouldn’t judge women who desired a man more than life itself. Because I was at the tipping point, and if sex was the only way to finally have him notice me, then why the hell not?

  Carnal thoughts had never invaded my mind, but tonight I was proven that they could. As I pictured Toby on top of me, pleasuring himself with what my body was offering, it took every ounce in me not to moan my frustration.

  I was a woman on a mission, so I better toughen up and offer him something most men couldn’t refuse.

  When I turned around to face him, he was close behind me. I looked him in the eye and asked him something I hadn’t offered a man before. “Do you want to come up?”

  His eyes searched mine, possibly wondering what the real meaning behind it. “Lucy…” he whispered with a strained voice, “I don’t know if that’s a great idea.”

  Was that a rejection? I wasn’t sure… but I felt worse than I had before. Somehow, I felt like a joke, wishing and hoping for something unfathomable. “Oh.” I masked the hurt in my tone, hoping he wouldn’t detect it. “Okay, well, never mind then.”

  “No—I do mind. Never think that I don’t want to follow you upstairs.” He reached out to me, slightly gripping my forearm. His fingers on my skin sent tingling shivers all over my body. For the first time, I knew what people meant when they spoke about heart-stopping physical chemistry with another person.

  “I don’t know. I guess… all I’m saying is that I want to take this slow,” he continued, his eyes dropping to my body with heated intention, as if he was undressing me and imagining what I’d look like naked. “I respect you—you’re a…” he trailed off, moving in close to my body, “stunning, intellectual woman. Brilliant. Perfect—” He hesitated, staring wildly into my eyes, sucking me deeper into those bottomless depths. “I look at you… and I see my future. It terrifies me.”

  Oh, my fuck, had he just uttered the words future and me in one sentence? Overwhelming emotions bombarded me.

  Seeking his eyes, I opened a piece of me. “I’m not.” I breathed out. “I’m not the least terrified because I haven’t felt anything like this with anyone. My grandmother once said that, if I ever find this—this odd, indescribable, mystifying-like connection with anyone—I shouldn’t hold back.” I licked the bottom of my suddenly dry lips. “And I don’t want you to, either.”

  I burned from his lustful gaze.

  “If I go in, I’m not going to be able to restrain myself, Lucy.”

  “I don’t expect you to.”

  He stepped closer, and our lips almost brushed against each other while his eyes trained exclusively on me, smoldering my body into a scorching fever. “I’m going to undress you… slowly… then you’ll step out of your clothes and you’ll show me your beauty. You will then give me all authority. In the bedroom. In and out of your body. I will want you at all hours of the day. And when I say all, I’m demanding your absolute surrender.”

  Cue in the hard swallowing of my saliva while I suffered an intense tingling on my pussy. I had clenched it as hard as I could when I felt a pool of wetness soak my underwear as I stared at him, speechless. He wasn’t even touching me sensually, and yet, his words and those tantalizing eyes alone had undone me.

  “I’m all for unconditional rights,” he said, caressing me with words. “Your body will know my touch even before I caress you.” His heated gaze dropped to my lips before he reached my eyes, throwing me a dare. “Will you be capable for th
at kind of challenge, Lucy?”

  There was no question that I wanted him more than words could express, but when someone challenged me in anything, my feistiness surfaced, willing to come out and play. “I am not a meek woman, and I don’t submit.” I paused for effect. “To anyone.” He remained still, taking my words in before I continued. “But I would love to see you try. Will you be ready for my kind of challenge, Toby Watson?”

  “Don’t say I didn’t warn you, Lucy.” His eyes sparked with wickedness as he eyed me like a cat that had eaten the canary.

  He had warned me, hadn’t he? I had just been too confident then to let it sway me. My crazed obsession with him had blinded me from everything. He was the only thing I had seen. The only thing that had mattered, and I had wanted to keep him for as long as I could. However, the more I hung on to him—to our relationship—the more it had become complicated.

  From one complication to the other, each one became harder to tackle. My shield started to chip away and poisonous words got through to me. In the end, I thought I had done the right thing by saving us both. I had been convinced then, and I was about to tell myself again, why it had been better for the both of us when my hungry, betraying eyes spotted him strolling towards us.

  He was wearing dark jeans and a powder blue dress shirt with the sleeves pushed above his elbows. The color of the shirt made his eyes lighter than usual, and it was unbuttoned at top in such a way that it hinted at the sculpted body underneath it. He was magnificent, and I thought the woman with him believed so too because she couldn’t look away, not even for a second as they chatted and walked towards our table.

  How could I ever move on when I was my very own worst enemy?

  Chapter 10

  Toby

  Deciding to come out tonight wasn’t an easy decision. My mind resisted, however my heart battled fiercely, winning readily because, let’s face it, I was dying to see her even though it had only been a mere twenty-four hours since I had seen her last.