Taming Lo: A You and I Novel

by Melissa Toppen

  Within seconds, he stills inside of me, collapsing forward to rest his head on my chest. Reaching out, I lazily run my hands through his messy brown locks, loving the way his pounding heart feels against my stomach.

  He lays there for a long moment before finally looking up at me. Giving me a very satisfied smile, he pulls out of me and pushes up, grabbing my hand to take me up with him as he does.

  “You are incredible.” He purrs against my lips before gently teasing them with his own.

  “I could say the same about you.” I smile against his mouth, pulling back to get a glimpse of those amazing hazel eyes of his.

  “I've missed this.” He says, tucking my hair over my shoulder and trailing his hand lightly along my jaw, his thumb skirting gently across my bottom lip.

  “Me too.” I admit, having not realized just how much.

  “I need you to promise me something.” He says, pulling back to meet my gaze.

  “What's that?” I ask, scrunching my forehead in curiosity.

  “Promise me that you will never keep this from me again.” He says, grinding his hips forward, his still hard erection pressing firmly against my folds.

  “Never.” I promise, feeling my body reignite with the promise of feeling him hard inside of me again.

  “I'm going to hold you to that.” He smiles, leaning forward to trail his tongue lightly across my lips, silently asking for access.

  “Good.” I manage to get out before he takes my mouth firmly with his, kissing me so passionately, I swear I can feel it all the way to my toes. By the time he pulls back again, my breathing is coming in labored spurts and my heart feels like it is ready to pound out of my chest.

  “Lo.” He speaks against my mouth, his eyes burning deeply into mine as he pulls back slightly.

  “Dax.” I say his name after several seconds of silence pass by, feeling suddenly uneasy under his glare. He hesitates for a moment longer before finally speaking.

  “I love you.” His soft words wash over me, the magnitude of his statement taking several long moments to sink in.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Dax

  “I love you.” I repeat again, fearing she didn't hear me the first time.

  I watch the realization of my words sink in, watch her eyes as they widen and the confusion take over her entire face.

  “What?” She questions, her voice barely above a whisper.

  “You heard me.” I repeat, forcing her to meet my eyes.

  “You love me?” She phrases the question like the notion is completely foreign to her.

  I wish it didn't gut me that she finds me loving her so hard to believe but it does. Is it because she doesn't believe that I could actually love her or is it that she feels nothing for me which is why she is having a hard time processing that I feel something for her? Either way, neither scenario sits well with me.

  “I do.” I say, reaching out to cup her face in my hands. “I didn't plan to fall for you. Hell, I didn't even think it was possible to feel this way again. But that's what you do to me. You make me feel things I never thought I would feel again. You make me want things I never dreamed I'd want. You have completely wrecked me in the best way possible.”

  “Say something.” I add on, seeing the inner battle going on behind her eyes, the shock and confusion clouding her beautiful face. She opens her mouth to speak but then hesitates, immediately closing it again.

  “You can't love me.” She finally says after several long moments of silence.

  “I can and I do.” I reassure her. “I have broken every single one of my rules for you. Not because I wanted to fuck you, because I wanted to be with you.”

  “No. You don't understand. You can't love me. You can't.” Her eyes glaze over and I take a small step back, suddenly fearful that I made a huge mistake telling her this.

  “Lo?” I question, watching her slide from the counter as she gathers her clothing. Covering herself from my view, I try not to show what a punch to the stomach that feels like. I don't understand why suddenly she feels the need to hide her body from me.

  Grabbing my pants from the floor, I quickly slip them on, not wanting to have this conversation with my cock hanging out. Lo stands there for a long moment in silence before finally speaking.

  “You should leave Dax.” She says, beginning to put her clothing on, her back to me the entire time.

  “What?” I question, wishing she would just turn around and look at me. Maybe if I could see her face, look into her eyes, maybe then I would know if she really wants me to leave or if it's just the fear pushing me away.

  I knew she would be scared by my confession. She has made it very clear from the beginning where she stands on feelings and relationships. But I never expected her to respond so coldly. Shock I expected. Fear I expected. But I was not prepared for the fact that she may not feel the same way about me.

  Fuck. I was so sure that she did that I didn't even stop to consider that maybe she really doesn't. Maybe I have just been seeing what I want to see. But as soon as she turns and her tear filled blue eyes find mine, I know that is not it at all.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Lo

  “I need you to leave Dax.” I say, hating the way my chin quivers when I speak.

  His eyes go from hard to soft in a matter of seconds and I know that he can see through the barrier I have suddenly put up between us.

  “I know you're scared.” He starts, but I don't give him time to finish.

  “Scared?” I question. “You have no idea what I am.” I say, fighting back the well of tears behind my eyes.

  I will not cry. I will not cry.

  “You don't know because you don't know me... Not really.” I tack on.

  “I do know you Lo.” He says, taking a step towards me. “I know you better than you care to admit.”

  “You don't know anything.” I take a step backwards, not wanting him to come any closer to me.

  If he touches me, I don't know if I will be able to hold my shit together. I just need him to leave. I can't think when he's standing in front of me, looking at me the way he's looking at me right now.

  “I know that you're terrified right now.” He says, making no attempt to move towards me.

  I try to ignore the rise and fall of his chest and the tension in his broad shoulders as he stands shirtless in front of me. It's hard enough to resist him clothed. Add on the rippling muscles and his mouth watering inked skin and not rushing into his arms is like denying myself a glass of water after two days in the hot desert.

  Absolute total fucking torture.

  “I know that something happened to you. Something that you are still holding onto. Something that is preventing you from letting yourself be happy.” He continues, when I make no attempt to respond.

  I'm too busy trying to keep my breathing calm and preventing the tears from spilling down my face, that I can't find it in me to form a coherent sentence. I am afraid if I open my mouth, my entire facade will crumble and I can't let that happen.

  “Let me in Lo. Let me help you. Let me love you.” He says, his bright eyes holding my gaze, causing me to squirm under the heat of his stare.

  “I can't.” I finally manage to get out, though my words are weak and barely audible. “I'm sorry Dax. I don't feel the same. This is just a hook up. A good time. I told you that going in. I broke my rule because I thought you were capable of handling the type of relationship I could give you. I see now how wrong I was.” I say, feeling the emotion thick in my throat.

  “I don't believe that.” He says, his voice remaining soft.

  “What don't you believe exactly Dax?” I ask, growing increasingly frustrated with each minute that passes. Why can't he just let this go? Why does he have to push this?

  “You love me too Lo. I know you do. I can see it right now. I can see how hard you are fighting against this. You want this just as badly as I do.” He says, his confidence not wavering even the slightest.

  �
�You're wrong.” I stutter, not sure what else I can do to convince him that don't want this.

  The truth is, I love Dax. I have known that fact for quite some time now. But that doesn't change anything. I can't travel down this road again. The moment I admit that I feel the same, that I give into this, is the moment my guard disappears. The moment that I become completely vulnerable to him. The moment I open myself up to be hurt again.

  I know that Dax isn't Ricky. I know that history is not going to repeat itself in the same fashion. But that doesn't mean that Dax won't hurt me in other ways. What happens if I tell him what he wants to hear? What happens if I admit that my feelings match his? We ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after? Please. Life isn't like the story books.

  Life is messy and complicated and full of heartache.

  “I'm sorry Dax. I don't love you.” I say, breaking the long moment of silence hanging between us.

  “That's bullshit and you know it.” He says, his voice rising slightly. “Why don't you tell me the truth for once? What happened to you? What are so afraid of?”

  “You need to leave.” My voice shakes as I point towards my door.

  “Fuck that.” He shakes his head, taking another step towards me and then another, until he's standing directly in front of me, his hands clamping down firmly around my biceps. “I'm not going anywhere until you tell me the truth.”

  “I don't know what you want......” I start, but Dax cuts in before I can finish my sentence.

  “No more Lo.” He shakes me lightly, causing my eyes to dart up to his. “Tell me the truth.” He holds my gaze, refusing to let me look away.

  I want to shake him off, make him leave, refuse to give him any explanation whatsoever, but I can feel my resistance wavering. I can feel the panic spreading into my chest and when my voice finally explodes from my chest, I don't even recognize it as my own.

  “I love you okay. I love you. Is that what you want to fucking hear?” My voice shakes as the emotion seethes through me. “Does that make you happy?” My voice continues to climb and I shake his hands off of my arms, stepping out of his embrace.

  “I only refused to admit it because it doesn't change anything. I can't be with you Dax. I can't give you what you want. I can't love you the way you want me to. That ability was taken away from me a long time ago. I know what it is to love. To be weak and vulnerable. To be blinded by your feelings for the other person. I know what it is to put my trust into someone and have that trust betrayed in the worst imaginable way.”

  “Everyone gets hurt. That's life. That doesn't mean you never feel again at the risk of experiencing that hurt a second time. Trust me, I know. It's been ten years since I swore off the possibility of ever loving someone again. Ten years and every single moment of those years just fell away when I found you. It no longer matters what I faced then, only what I know I want to face in the future, with you.”

  “It's not that simple.” I try to reason with him.

  “Yes it is. It is exactly that simple.”

  “No it isn't.” I shake my head, backing even further away from Dax.

  “Then tell me why? If you are just going to throw this away....” He gestures between the two of us. “Then I at least deserve to know why.”

  I want to hold it in. I want to push it down and refuse to let it out. But the words leave my lips before I ever mean to speak them. “They raped me.” I say, watching the way his features immediately contort at my words. “They raped me. All of them. Is that what you want to know?” My voice trembles but I push forward, determined to get this out.

  “I was sixteen years old, a junior in high school.” My mind immediately drifts back to that time as I speak. “Ricky was a senior and one of the most popular guys in school. When he asked me to the first dance of the school year, I thought I was the luckiest girl in the world. Things only got better after that night. He was kind and patient. Never pushed me for more than I was willing to give. He told me he loved me and he was okay waiting.” I blink through my tears.

  “He said he loved that I was a virgin and wanted me to be ready when we finally decided to be together. I was so fucking stupid.” I shake my head. “I loved him. I thought he was the perfect boyfriend. I was wrong. So fucking wrong.” I wipe at the tears now flowing down my cheeks.

  “We had been dating about six months when it happened. We were at a party at the house of one of our mutual friends. The night started out pretty normal. I wasn't much of a drinker but Ricky insisted that I have a drink to loosen up. I only remember drinking one. That's it. One drink and the next thing I knew, I was waking up cold and naked in one of the spare bedrooms. There was blood all over the bed. I didn't know what had happened. I was terrified. I remember ripping the sheet off of the bed and stuffing it in the trashcan when I left, scared of what people would think if they saw it and what that blood meant.” I shutter at the thought, holding my hand up when Dax takes a step towards me.

  “I remember being sore. I was so sore. I had no idea why or what had happened to me but as I walked over three miles home in the crisp morning air, I started to piece it together. I didn't want to admit it. I wanted to scald myself under a hot shower and forget it ever happened. I prayed that Ricky would never find out. I was so scared I was going to lose him over it. I told Lilly. She was the only one and I made her swear she wouldn't breathe a word of it.”

  “I tried calling Ricky all day that day but he never answered. I found him Monday at his locker but he was cold and brushed me off, saying he didn't have time. I walked around that entire day feeling this enormous amount of dread. The longer the day went, the heavier the feeling became, until I felt so weighed down by it, I couldn't breathe.”

  “Lo.” Dax's voice cuts through my fog and I look up to find his pained expression just inches from my face.

  “Ricky stopped talking to me after that. No breakup, no explanation, he just..... Stopped. Two weeks later is when the pictures surfaced.” I cringe at the memory.

  “It was Ricky. Ricky and two of his friends. They drugged me, all three of them raped me, and what's worse..... They photographed the whole thing. When I didn't come forward about being raped, they spun the story that I was a willing participant. The only photos of my face were from the side so you couldn't tell I was unconscious. Picture after picture started surfacing, each one worse than the one before it.” I choke back the sob as I lift my hand to cover my mouth, trying to physically hold myself together.

  I didn't know how hard this would be. Telling it to another living person is almost like reliving that hell all over again. My hands are trembling and my tears are now an endless stream running down my cheeks.

  “The kids at school all believed Ricky of course. They called me horrible names. Taunted me. Bullied me for weeks. When I couldn't take anymore, I decided to go to my parents. By the time I told them what really happened, they didn't believe me. They said I was troubled and that it was wrong of me to try to ruin three promising futures with such accusations. I was their daughter.” I sob out. “Their fucking daughter, and they didn't believe me.” I hold my hand up and take a step backwards, needing my distance from Dax.

  “For the next year I was known as a slut, a tramp, the girl who let three guys fuck her at a party. People would whisper every time I walked by. Snicker when they passed me in the halls. Laugh and point when they would see me outside of school. It was endless. Lilly was the only reason I made it through. If not for her, I probably would have ended it long before it got that far.”

  “I left Indiana the day I graduated and never looked back. I have not seen or spoken to my parents or anyone else but Lilly since then. Is this what you wanted to know Dax?” I turn my anger towards him, my vision blurred, my voice broken.

  “Is this what you wanted? To know what they did to me? What they all did to me?” I spit, finally finding his eyes for the first time in a while. “To see how broken and fucked up I really am?”

  “Lo.” He starts but I imme
diately cut him off.

  “You asked me to tell you and now I have. Now if that's all, I would like you to leave. Please.” I try to fight the quiver in my voice. “I said leave Dax.” I say, pointing towards the door, a fresh set of tears emerging. “Now Dax. LEAVE!” My voice echos off of the walls around us and yet, he still makes no attempt to move.

  He just stands there, staring at me. I'm not sure what he's trying to decide.... Whether to leave? To stay? To accept that I am a lost cause and he needs to move on? Either way, my temper and emotion flares with each second that ticks by.

  “I'm sorry for what happened to you but Lo, I am not him. I would never hurt you. I would never betray your trust.” He says, a sadness in his eyes that makes it hard for me to breathe.

  “I can't. I'm sorry. I can't.” I say, seeing the moment that he accepts my decision. His shoulders sag forward slightly and he gives me one last long look before turning, grabbing his shirt and shoes from the floor and then quickly exiting my apartment without another word.

  The door frame rattles as he slams the door on his way out. Sinking to the floor, I pull my knees to my chest and let myself go. I let myself cry over the past. Over the present. Over the future I just gave away.

  I cry until I have no more tears to cry and then I call the one person that I know will understand. The one person that has always been there for me, even when I was too stubborn to let her be. I call my sister.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Lo

  “Hey.” I peek my head inside of Anna's hospital room, wanting to make sure she is up for a visitor before just barging in on her.

  “Hey.” She gives me a bright smile from the bed and gestures for me to come in, a bundled up baby held tightly to her chest.

  Bentley gives me a large dimpled filled smile and stands from where he's sitting on the side of Anna's bed. “Lauren.” He nods to me and then turns and leans down, pressing his lips to Anna's forehead. “I'm going to give you girls a few minutes. I have a few phone calls to make.” He says, running his hand gently across the side of his son's face.