Psyche Shield

by Chrissie Buhr

  Amy listened to Billie’s soft voice and sensed the mindspeech between them as she tried to reach her mate’s mind. “Love, I’m right here. Come back to me. Everyone you love is just fine. Come back to me.” Sierra watched the strange scene, eyes wide and alarmed. Amy cocked her ear in the strange Wolf’s direction and softened her eyes reassuringly. Billie finally noticed her houseguest and offered an explanation. “She doesn’t like using magepower. She doesn’t like being a Mage. I think Kathryn’s right.”

  Sierra spoke hesitantly, her voice betraying her conflicted thoughts. “Why does she use it then?”

  “To protect us.” Billie’s admiration for her mate flowed from those simple words. Amy shared her Beta’s respect for Sadie and her devotion to Pack. “We had a situation with some Mages recently. Sadie stopped them. We’re still cleaning up the mess they left behind. She’s as protective and loyal as any Wolf.”

  Sierra didn’t respond, and silence filled the room. From the corner of her eye, Amy could see the Wolf’s thoughtful expression as she watched the strange Mage surrounded by Wolves. Before long, Amy heard a truck pull into the drive. The front door opened and a stocky young man walked in. The sound of the truck leaving reminded her that Nathan went nowhere unaccompanied by another Wolf. His roommate Phil even waited until Nathan entered Billie’s home before driving away.

  She gazed lovingly at the new arrival as he quickly took in the scene. Once Sadie had freed him of the Mage’s coercion, she’d quickly fallen for the Pup. Easygoing and grounded, he had a way of looking at life that she admired. He’d found that outlook as a Human, and it suited his Wolf nature well. Not particularly dominant but highly protective and loyal, he was tough when it counted. He would do anything for those he loved. The boyish smile he reserved for her made her melt every time.

  Nathan spared only a glance at the injured Wolf in bed as he crossed quickly to the couch. With one hand, he caressed Amy’s neck, placing the other protectively over Sadie’s leg. Amy leaned into him as much as she could without breaking contact with Sadie. Nathan looked hard at the unconscious Mage and spoke to Billie in a rough back-hills accent that Sierra found familiar. “This is like before, after she fought those Mages tha’ had me. What’s wrong wi’ her?”

  Billie didn’t take her troubled eyes off her mate. “We think it’s an emotional reaction. Guilt.”

  “Aw, Sadie.” He looked at Billie. “Can she hear me?”

  “I don’t know. I can’t reach her. Maybe you can.”

  His face hardened with thick emotion, and he spoke harshly to the Mage on the couch. He began to clip his words like he oftentimes did when upset. “Now tha’s enough, Sadie. Ya hear me? You don’t have nothin’ to feel guilty ’bout. If it weren’t for you, I’d still be trapped, listenin’ to that Mage yappin’ inside my head. Don’t you dare beat yerself up for bein’ who ya are. If you weren’t a Mage, we’d all be gonners.” The other Wolves listened to his speech and hoped she heard.

  Billie felt Sadie’s mind shift slightly and nearly choked in relief. “She heard you. Keep talking.”

  He did. The doggie door flapped, and they smelled Kato. The ancient Wolf padded into the living room and hopped onto the couch alongside Kathryn, completing the wolf blanket with his red and white fur. He gazed steadfastly into Sadie’s face, and they sensed mindspeech as he tried to connect with her.

  The last of Sadie’s trembling abated, and for a few moments she breathed normally. Her eyes opened abruptly, unfocused and wild, her screams piercing the air as she regained consciousness. Nathan jumped back, startled by her sudden reaction and shaking his head to clear the ringing in his ears. Billie grasped her mate’s head between her hands gently, whispering soothingly. Several shrill screams later, she focused on Kato’s direct gaze and fell silent. Something passed between them as they communicated mind to mind.

  * * *

  I fell into a black hole. As the magepower dissipated, a void took its place. I searched desperately through the nothingness. It cloyed under my skin, an absence of sensation as deep as the ether around me. Even time disappeared. Alone in the void, I couldn’t find Billie’s mind. Desperate for someone to help me, I opened my mouth and a scream left my lips instead. It echoed against the void, pressing back on me like a dead heartbeat. It felt like an eternity trapped in the darkness accompanied only by the echo of my screams.

  A face appeared, penetrating the nothingness, and I reached out to it. Jazz’s face materialized, her mouth tight with resentment. Dark accusatory eyes held me fixed. She wasted no words on me and disappeared once again. Only the void remained.

  Screams echoed endlessly, and I couldn’t tell if they came from me or someone else. Other faces emerged from the void to haunt me for the harm I’d caused. Gary and his kids. Mom and Dad. Seven dead teenagers without names, their lives ended by the power of a thought. Cassandra, Marque and Alexander. Friends from my youth, babysitters and teachers. An endless parade of victims appeared one by one. Some spat accusations, and others cursed violently. Most peered at me in harsh silence, their outraged expressions shouting louder than words.

  The void overtook me once again, cloying and eternal. Screams echoed, and this time I knew they came from me. A single voice penetrated the void, barely discernible through the screams. Nathan. I couldn’t understand his muffled words, but he sounded upset. Turning in circles desperately, I searched for him. He couldn’t be here. He was free. His voice came again, the words almost recognizable. He couldn’t be here!

  I freed you, Nathan! The desperate screech echoed back to me from the void, repeating those four words over and over. It pressed against me too, but unlike the screams, it felt solid. It felt real. The darkness greyed, and I felt my body once again, gripped in agonizing pain. Billie’s mind tapped at mine, then Kato’s. I wouldn’t let them in, so I screamed. This time it pierced my own ears instead of echoing through the void.

  Muzi! I heard Kato’s call, and it tore at my heart.

  You can’t be here! I allowed the mental contact, so I could tell him to leave.

  Hush, daughter! Look at me! His sharp tone shocked me into stillness. Kato never gave orders. Startled, I opened my eyes and realized they were already open. The room appeared before me, out of focus and indistinct except for Kato’s red wolf face. His ancient eyes bore into mine, holding my confession before it spilled from my lips.

  I did it. I erased Jazz’s memory. I told him tearfully but silently. Billie’s hand ran through my hair as I spoke mind to mind with my Muso. She couldn’t understand us.

  You do as you must to protect those you love, even when it distresses you. You honor your pack and your parents’ memory with your actions. His words penetrated the panic, soothing me until the pain that gripped my body began to ease. Nathan sat at my side, one hand resting on Amy’s white furred neck.

  Why is Nathan here? I asked Kato, confused by his presence when I’d last heard him in the void.

  He comes to help you in your time of need. Look at the Pup and remember the freedom he has because of you.

  I remembered Jazz instead and sobbed wordlessly, not trusting what I might say. My packmates nestled closer, their warmth and fur consoling me. I hate that I can do that to someone, Muso. I hate myself for being capable of it!

  There are two sides to every coin, Muzi. Nathan would be lost forever if you could not. Few had the power to free him, and only you cared enough to do so. His words penetrated my guilt, and I focused on that single thought. Your packmates wish to soothe your troubled spirit. Find comfort in Pack.

  I closed my eyes once again and buried my head in Billie’s lap. “We’re here, love. We’re all here for you.” My mate sent her love for me through our bond as she spoke softly. Kathryn’s serenity washed over me, and Amy’s breath tickled my neck. Most of all, I focused on Nathan’s reassuring presence.

  Billie’s hand caressed my cheek, and I spoke to her silently. I don’t think I can do that again.

  Hopefully it never comes to that a
gain, Billie replied. We’ll do everything we can to make sure of it.

  It’s just beginning. Kato told us the war between Wolves and Mages is escalating. I know I can do it, but I don’t know if I can handle it.

  We’ll do it together. You’re not alone anymore, she reminded me gently. Billie was right, and knowing we faced the future together reassured me.

  My hand trembled as I reached for Nathan’s rough hand resting on Amy’s neck. He grasped it and held it tightly. “Ya ready to face us now?” the young Wolf challenged. I met his worried eyes but didn’t know what to say. My mouth opened and then closed wordlessly, and he gripped my hand tighter. “Ya disappeared ’cause ya couldn’t face us, didn’t ya? Don’t ever run away from us, Sadie. We’re Pack.”

  He spoke the truth. I didn’t want to face them after what I did to Jazz and her family, and it made escaping the void more difficult. “Are you giving me orders now?” I asked the Pup with a failed attempt at a smile.

  “Yup. If that’s what it takes.” He bobbed his head.

  “I’m done running away.” I told him emphatically, gripping his hand to make my point.

  I noticed Sierra’s rapt attention but had nothing to spare for her. Focusing on my mate and packmates, covered and surrounded by Pack, brought me back to myself. When able, I dutifully acknowledged my guest. “I woke you up, didn’t I? Sorry.”

  “That’s okay. How are you?” Sierra projected her emotions more than most. Confusion and concern for my welfare nearly replaced the terror that I’d collar her.

  “I’m having a shitty day.” I tried to smile but once again it didn’t reach my face. “How are you doing?”

  “Better,” she replied succinctly.

  Amy jumped up, licking Nathan on the chin affectionately. Too quick for the eye to follow, she shifted into her human form, unfazed by her own nakedness. Amy had the body of a gymnast, short with lean muscles. I’d grown somewhat accustomed to the frequent nudity, and it didn’t embarrass me. Nathan enjoyed the view, blushing slightly at his obvious admiration. She looked pointedly at me and Sierra before announcing, “Food for both of you. Mind giving me a hand, Nate?” Nathan gave my hand a final squeeze and jumped to his feet at her request.

  They disappeared into the kitchen. I couldn’t hear them, but I suspected it would take them a little longer than necessary to retrieve a meal. The thought came with a smile that finally reached my face.

  Kato hopped off the couch and shifted into his human form so he could speak. His long tangled beard and hair fell in grey masses down his body. He faced Sierra with bright eyes, kneeling to speak to her at eye level. “I am pleased you are safe. I extend our pack’s full hospitality to you. Stay as long as you wish. My packmates and I will see to your needs.”

  “Thank you for all your help. It’s a privilege to meet you,” Sierra replied respectfully.

  “The honor is mine,” he spoke warmly and inclined his head deeply. He turned to me next, placing a hand on my head affectionately.

  She is special to you? I asked him, looking up into his deep gaze. I noticed Sierra no longer flinched at mindspeech.

  He smiled widely in response but did not explain. “Rest, Muzi. Fill your heart with Pack. We will speak at length soon.”

  “You always come when I need you,” I replied appreciatively.

  “I would spare you this anguish if I could, daughter.” His eyes mourned that he could not. He spoke to Kathryn, her black wolf head still on my chest. “If you wish, we can speak about what troubles you when I return. For now, will you care for my Muzi and our guest?” She stretched her head against my chest and cocked an ear towards Sierra, accepting the responsibility.

  Fill your heart with Pack, he said once again before transforming into a red lanky Ethiopian Wolf and ducking out the doggie door. Amy and Nathan, hands full of plates piled high with food, watched him through the glass door as he disappeared into the foothills. Amy let out a slight huff and complained. “He’s gone again. He never sticks around very long. We’ve been packmates for seventy years, and I barely know him.”

  She handed me a plate with more food than I usually ate in an entire day. “Amy, I’m not Wolf. I don’t eat this much.”

  “Billie can help you. She hurt herself again.” Amy glared at her Beta. “You can’t hide it from me, so don’t even try. You re-cracked that rib carrying Sadie in here. I heard it pop.”

  “I’m fine, Amy,” Billie warned the Medic as she plucked a sandwich off my plate. Both Amy and I knew how much pain the Beta hid from the others. I could feel it through our bond, but I also sensed my mate’s need to appear strong in front of Sierra. Her ribs and knee had flared up since morning, and her bruised flanks hadn’t quit hurting since she fought Jason.

  Amy expressed her disbelief. “Hmmph. Sadie, is Billie fine?”

  “Very fine.” I dodged Amy’s question by running a hand down Billie’s long leg. Sierra grinned at the obvious but effective decoy.

  Amy didn’t appreciate the humor, narrowing her eyes and pursing her lips at the two of us. “Either way, Sadie needs rest and Pack, so you get to stay put with her. I know you won’t do it for yourself. You’re too pigheaded. But you’ll do it for your mate, and I get two for one.” She sounded very pleased with herself and plopped on the floor beside Nathan. He pulled her closer and kissed her forehead.

  Billie ran her hand through my hair, silently agreeing to stay with me. I could appreciate Amy’s craftiness, even when it didn’t work. The familiar banter eased my spirit. “She’s devious. Are all Wolves this bad or am I just lucky?” I asked Sierra.

  “Not all, but most,” she replied with a knowing chuckle. “My Beta never admits when he’s injured either.”

  I picked absently at the food as the others dug into the meal. Eager to distract myself with conversation, I asked about Sierra’s Beta “What’s he like?”

  “He’s a tough old goat, and as stubborn as yours. Stephen’s friendly enough, though. He’s a good Beta,” she replied easily and spoke as if Billie couldn’t hear. “I’ve heard your Beta is young. The rumors don’t seem possible. How old is she?”

  I answered as the Wolves did, calculating age from the time they became Wolf. “She’s seven, eight this winter. She’s been Beta for two years.”

  “No way!” Sierra’s eyes widened even further, reminding me of an owl. “I heard she was twenty and didn’t believe it. Is she really only seven?” Billie silently enjoyed the conversation while she consumed the food on my plate.

  “How old is your Beta?”

  “Oh, about 100, I guess.” She shrugged as if she didn’t know for sure.

  I glanced at Kathryn and Amy. “I’m still having a hard time wrapping my head around everyone’s age. You seem young, though.” She hesitated and I realized her assumption. It brought me back to reality. “I’m not reading you. I pick up some of what’s on the surface, and I can’t help that. But I’m not entering your mind.”

  “Oh.” She thought about it. “I’m thirteen. Can I ask you something?”

  “Sure.” Curiosity filled the air around her, nearly tangible. I didn’t feel like I could say no.

  “Why don’t you like being a Mage?” Her question brought back memories of the void.

  Amy saw my expression darken and interrupted protectively. “You can interrogate Sadie later when she’s feeling better.”

  With a half-smile and a wave, I banished memories of the void. “That’s okay. I was raised by Humans. I didn’t know what I was until the Wolves told me. I thought I was just a freak, and everyone around me pretty much agreed. When I was a kid, I used my abilities. I meddled with people’s thoughts and coerced them when it suited me. I liked the way I felt when I did it, and I didn’t know any better.”

  I paused in thought, the memory fresh in my mind. Even Billie didn’t know why I quit using magepower. Nathan was right. I shouldn’t hide from it. I’m done running away, I reminded myself. “When I was 16, I snuck out to party with my friends. They didn’t
even like me until I changed their minds. I bought beer using magepower, and we went to Lucky Peak to have a good time. I had the hots for one of the girls. She was straight except when I wanted to make out with her. The cops showed up, and I coerced them into leaving us alone. I was drunk and got carried away. When I got home, my parents caught me coming in the back door. I made them forget, but I was sloppy and erased more than I intended to. They were confused for days.

  “That was pretty normal for me for a while. I thought it was fun getting anything I wanted. Then I saw what it was doing to the people around me. That night I promised myself I’d never use my abilities to coerce others again. I kept that promise until a few weeks ago. That’s when I found out about Wolves and Mages.”

  Billie listened intently to the story, and I could feel her connecting the dots. Everyone heard it, and I sensed compassion towards the lost teenager who didn’t know any better. I was selfish. I argued with Billie’s unspoken thought.

  Billie disagreed. You’re too hard on yourself. When are you going to give yourself a break? Billie disputed. “You were a kid.”

  “Don’t make excuses for me.” I liked feeling like a god. I did whatever I wanted, no matter who it hurt.

  Teenagers do that. We all did. “Just ask them.”

  Sierra had trouble following the fractured conversation. Amy poked an irritated thumb at us. “They do that a lot. And they’re getting worse.”

  Sierra dismissed it with a shake of her head and asked another question. “What happened a few weeks ago?”

  “I was attacked by a bunch of teenagers. Humans. I called out to Billie mentally, and she came to my rescue in wolf form. That was a pretty big clue that she’s not Human. I didn’t know there was anything else before then. The boys nearly killed her, and I used magepower to stop them. When I did the Wolves knew what I am and told me about Mages. That was when I found out I’m not Human.” I deliberately left out the part where I killed the teenagers with a thought. I didn’t mean to, but their accusing faces had emerged in the void regardless.