Psyche Shield

by Chrissie Buhr

  I didn’t know what to say. Nathan had given me a lot to think about, and I wanted to discuss it with Kato. “I don’t think I can put it behind me yet. It didn’t even occur to me that I could be hurting you,” I admitted, turning slowly to face them.

  “Nuh uh, Sadie.” Nathan shook his head. “No more guilt. You do that too much already.”

  “Guilt keeps me from hurting people,” I admitted darkly. I’d explained to them how the magepower made me feel. I didn’t want to tell them that it never completely wore off. Every time I drew on the power it felt like a little remained in me, calling me to use it again. I remembered how that had escalated as a teenager until one day I got lost in the void. Guilt sent me spiraling into the void then just as it did more recently. But it kept me from using magepower casually, too. It would save me from spiraling out of control just as it had my entire adult life.

  Filling Nathan’s hands with wine glasses, I deliberately changed the subject. “Congratulations. I’m happy for both of you.” They looked at me with blatant concern but accepted that I didn’t want to discuss it.

  Kato’s voice threaded across in my mind. The Pup is correct. You only harm yourself with your guilt. It invites the void.

  Was I wrong, Muso?

  Amy would have perished without your intervention.

  That didn’t sound like an answer. But was I wrong? I insisted.

  You could have acted better. That is life. You acted with good intent and according to your nature. You did not act in the manner of Pack and broke a promise. Learn what it is to be Pack from your packmates. Seek understanding from your friends. Guilt is not the solution you believe it to be.

  I’m scared, Muso. I’m scared of losing myself.

  Power can overwhelm a Kratos. Caution is wise. Guilt is not.

  It’s not like this for other Mages?

  No, daughter. Only for Kratos.

  Why? Why does it change me? Cassandra said Kratos go crazy sometimes. Will that happen to me? I asked desperately, unable to rejoin them in the living room yet.

  The power of Kratos overwhelms the senses and if unchecked, a Kratos loses all sense of self. The void is a stepping stone to becoming what you fear. It is also your refusal to become what you hate. Pack gives you the strength you need for the tasks ahead. Trust them. Be Pack, and you will find your way through. I nodded, though he couldn’t see it from the other room.

  I wanted to believe him and fought back tears. What is ahead? What is coming, Muso?

  I could imagine him sniffing the air. The winds are changing. This conflict with the Montana Pack was unforseen and forges a new path to the foretold destination.

  What does that mean?

  We must adapt. He translated, sounding atypically sober. This conflict tangles the Montana Pack into your destiny with the Mage-Wolf War. They are part of it now, whether in suffering or support is yet to be seen.

  I pondered his statement. They could become allies? How do we make sure they are?

  You are on the right path to fulfilling your part. It is the same with others. Those who are not must choose their path without you, he counseled.

  So I keep doing what I’m doing: be Pack, be Mage, be me, trust my packmates, and quit being so hard on myself? It sounded like a very tall order. Can’t I just do something?

  He chuckled mentally, and I heard a snort from the other room. What you do comes from how you live and think. I do not know enough of what is coming to give you advice on your actions. Your packmates celebrate new love without you. You cannot reveal the matebite you carry, but you can share in theirs.

  I hadn’t told him about the matebite yet, and the memory lifted my spirits. I’m overjoyed, Muso! I’m glad you know, and I can share it with someone.

  It pleased him too. Congratulations, daughter. I too am overjoyed for you and your mate.

  Billie sat on the couch and waved me over when I returned. I’m not upset with you, love. We’ll talk later.

  I thought I was doing the right thing. I curled up beside her and she kissed the top of my head.

  I love that you want to do the right thing. Did Kato help? Her duties as Beta weren’t finished for the evening, and she texted constantly.

  Always. I snuggled in closer and accepted a glass of wine from Kathryn. We toasted the newly mated couple and set the day’s excitement aside. I’d begun to pick up their habit of enjoying a moment no matter what happened elsewhere.

  Even Sierra acted more like a packmate than a guest. “How did the two of you meet?” she asked Amy.

  Amy giggled like a schoolgirl. “He grabbed my butt, and I broke his hand. He wasn’t himself, so it doesn’t count except as a funny story. I really met him in the Sawtooths after Sadie uncollared him. He hunted and cooked for us. He was so sweet.”

  I teased her and let the happy couple banish my regrets. “Just last week Amy was complaining that she hadn’t found her mate yet. She was waiting for him to be born. I think you’ve redefined the term robbing the cradle.” By the delighted expression on Phil’s face, I decided he’d already said something similar.

  Kathryn sipped her wine like a pro. “My first mate was more than two and a half centuries older than I. When I met him, I’d barely reached my sixteenth year.”

  “Now that’s robbing the cradle!” Amy declared.

  “My Sanyu believed so as well. We knew ourselves mates long before the matebite confirmed it, yet he insisted on waiting several years to become lovers.”

  Sierra gawked. “Wasn’t that frustrating?”

  “Immensely. He would not be persuaded, no matter how I tried.” Her eyes glittered as she teased us with the story.

  Amy eagerly prodded for more. “How did you try to persuade him?”

  Kathryn’s eyes became distant with pleasant memories. After decades of evading questions about her life before coming to the Boise Pack, she’d begun to speak about her younger years. “I joined him in his bed uninvited on several occasions and teased him into chasing me in wolf form many times. My Sanyu was a disciplined man.”

  “Nathan was easy. I only had to get him to chase me once.” Her mate blushed deeply at the intimate disclosure while Phil smirked at his roommate’s discomfort.

  “What about you, Sierra? Anyone special at home?” Amy pried.

  She shook her head regretfully. “No one. I was seeing someone for a while, but we broke up a couple months ago.”

  “Wolf or Human?” I asked.

  “Human. I never told him I was Wolf. I haven’t figured out how to break that to someone.” She looked at her wineglass thoughtfully.

  “I’ve dated Humans,” Amy reflected. “I only told one that I was Wolf. I thought we were going to last, but he wasn’t as cool about my wolf form as I thought he would be.”

  “How many Wolf-Human couples are in the pack?” I asked.

  “Five,” Amy informed me. “Most of the Humans here were raised Pack. Humans raised by Humans usually have a tough time with Pack life.”

  “Were you raised Pack?” I asked curiously.

  “Nope. I found out about Wolves when I was dating Matthew.”

  “What?” I couldn’t see it. “You and Matthew?”

  She waved a hand dismissively. “Oh yeah, but that was a long time ago.”

  “How long?” No matter how I tried, I couldn’t imagine my lively friend with such a grim partner.

  “We were high school sweethearts. Actually, he was still Human when we started dating and told me he was Wolf after he did it. By the way, that’s rude. He was different then. Happy and outgoing. He knew exactly what he wanted in life and grabbed it. That part hasn’t changed much. I decided to become Wolf too, but not for him. I met other Wolves and made friends in the pack. I wanted this life. Then World War II started and Matthew enlisted. I waited for him, but the war changed him. After he came back, he was pretty messed up. A completely different person. I couldn’t do it, and I broke up with him.” Nathan listened to her story without any sign of jealousy or dis
comfort, which impressed me.

  “Matthew made Adrienne Wolf too, right?” I asked.

  “Yep. That was after me.”

  “He made me Wolf,” Phil informed me. “And John.”

  “But he wasn’t dating either of you?” I clarified.

  Phil almost choked on his wine. “I prefer people with a personality. And breasts most of the time,” He informed me lightly.

  “Me too,” Billie commented dryly and then caught the rest of the sentence. “Most of the time?”

  He shrugged nonchalantly and repeated. “Most of the time.”

  Amy didn’t sound surprised. “Matthew’s straight as an arrow. He’d probably have more luck with a man.” I chuckled and Nathan laughed so hard tears rolled down his face. On a roll and in the center of attention, Amy kept going. “Lily was determined to test it, but only because her best friend had a crush on him.”

  “Who’s Lily?” I asked, eager for more gossip. I hadn’t heard the name before.

  “Lily was Sara’s wife. Sara was our Pack Sensitive for a long time. She died almost twenty years ago.”

  Sierra looked thoughtfully at Kathryn. “Are they talking about Leroy’s grandmother?” Kathryn nodded and Amy stared, her jaw slack.

  “No! Way! Sara was your granddaughter? Why doesn’t anyone tell me anything?”

  “Sara was my Great-granddaughter. I enjoyed the privacy I once had and chose not to speak of some things. The genie is out of the bottle, and there is no catching him now. I choose to succumb to the inevitable rather than fight a losing battle.”

  Sierra pondered for a minute and gave up trying to figure out the relationship on her own. “What does that make Sara and me?”

  Amy looked puzzled, but Kathryn replied without having to think about it. “Sara was your third cousin once removed.”

  “I’ve never figured out the removed part. What about Leroy?”

  “He is your fourth cousin once removed.” Amy’s eyes continued to grow. Nathan connected the dots and looked shrewdly between Kathryn and Sierra.

  “You’re related?” Amy exclaimed.

  “Yes,” Kathryn replied warmly. “We very recently discovered our relationship.” I stole a covert glance at Kato who listened to the exchange with great interest.

  Amy sat forward enthusiastically. “Oooh! Do I have to beat it out of you? How are you related?”

  Kathryn reveled in the slow torture, teasing her by answering indirectly. “I am sister-in-law to her great-grandfather.” Amy’s wheels turned as she tried to follow the relationships with fragmented knowledge. Nathan got there first and waited for his mate to catch up, enjoying Kathryn’s game. Kato took pity on Amy and raised his red and white head, drawing her attention.

  “Sierra’s your Great-granddaughter?” Amy asked the Ethiopian Wolf incredulously. He affirmed it by settling his chin on Sierra’s leg. “Well, that explains how weird you’ve been acting since she showed up. I’ve never seen you spend this much time in a house.” He huffed in acknowledgement.

  Sierra placed a hand on his neck adoringly. “It’s nice to discover family here. I knew very little about my Great-grandmother, and I only knew Kato from legends. We’ve been sharing stories all day.”

  “You just found out,” Amy said in awe.

  Sierra nodded. “It’s made the separation from my pack easier. I am thinking about asking Jason to stay so I can get to know the rest of my family.”

  “I’d love that,” I told her eagerly. Amy’s eyes darted at me, and I explained my adopted relationship with Kato.

  “Jeez Louise,” she exclaimed. “You guys are better than daytime TV. What else did I miss?”

  “Does Leroy know he rescued his cousin?” I asked with a sudden thought. I’d only met her grandson once, before I knew Wolves existed. At the time we all believed I was a Sensitive. At Billie’s request I refrained from reading any of her ’family’ or searching for answers to the oddities I sensed around me. I’d sensed close ties between Kathryn and Leroy but had no idea of the family relationship.

  Kathryn’s expression showed her worry. “I have left messages on his cell and at his home, but he has not yet returned them. He is not even aware of the current conflict, and I am growing concerned. He uses his cell phone infrequently, which is why I chanced messages through his wife. It is possible he is hunting like Donna says. I believe she has not given him my messages.”

  “Why would she do that?” Phil asked.

  “Donna is not aware of Wolves and does not know I am Leroy’s grandmother. By appearances, Leroy and I are of a similar age. She has seemed jealous of his affections more than once.”

  “Someone should check on him. If he’s hunting, he could run into them,” Phil suggested.

  I couldn’t come up with a reason for them to bother him and neither could anyone else. Billie considered the problem before speaking. “Collared Humans aren’t much of a threat. He’s more likely to be in danger if we go to him. Kathryn, how worried are you?”

  “There is no conceivable benefit to confronting a Human relative who does not even involve himself in Pack affairs. I worry because he is my grandson. I wish to assure myself that he is safe, but I do not wish to add to his danger by my presence.”

  I do not sense danger in his future. I cannot know for certain, but it is likely I would sense my nephew in peril, Kato informed me, and I relayed his message to the others.

  “Thank you, Kato,” Kathryn inclined her head to the ancient Wolf. “My mind is eased.” She brought up a question with her Beta. “How are our packmates faring during this conflict?”

  “We’re a resilient bunch,” Billie replied. “I talked to several of the Humans, and they’re staying busy and enjoying the city. The kids think it’s a great vacation away from school. Ruth has gathered her family and some of the others at her home for the duration, and William is guarding them. She asked if you would stop by regularly to work your magic. The parents, especially, are having a hard time.”

  “I would be delighted. Perhaps Sierra would like to join me.”

  Billie approved. She had no direct authority over how Sierra managed her gift but hoped the Wolf would seize the opportunity. “Take a strong escort anytime you take Sierra out. She’s too high of a target.”

  “Is anyone going to ask the Pack Medic if her patient can go?” Amy scowled. “It’s a miracle her leg is healing properly.”

  Billie turned to her friend, an entertained expression on her face. “How are your patients doing?”

  Amy pursed her lips at her still-injured Beta. “Ignoring me. Every last one of you is ignoring me.” Billie raised her eyebrows blandly, looking for more useful information. Amy sighed and gave a report. “I still don’t want you or Jason in a fight if you can avoid it. Jason is probably fine, but another blow to the noggin right after a nasty head injury is asking for trouble. You keep re-breaking that rib, and don’t think I haven’t noticed you favor the leg sometimes.

  “Matthew’s pretending to be nearly recovered, but he’s not. He should still be on crutches, but he’s too proud to do it when anyone can see him. His bones need a couple more days to mend after you crunched them in half with your big teeth. Right now they’ll snap right in two with one good whack. Sierra’s leg is mending cleanly despite everyone’s attempt to keep her on her feet instead of in bed where I put her.” Amy’s typical hot-headed response had turned into a full-blown rant, and it ended abruptly. Normally she threatened her patients in a constant effort to keep them down long enough to heal. This time her voice dropped in fear.

  “Every one of our best fighters is injured, and we’re facing a Pack War. We need you better so you can protect us. That’s why I ride you guys so much. I’m not trying to make you weak. I’m trying to get you back to top form. Even Sadie is so wrung out and run down she smells funny, and a stressed Mage sounds about the same as an injured Wolf. You need to get better because we need you strong. Especially now. Let me take care of you so you can take care of us.”
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br />   Billie didn’t say anything at first. She searched Amy’s face thoughtfully and rested her cheek against my head. She didn’t like admitting to any weakness and hid the extent of her injuries every time. I knew better. She hurt so much I could feel it through our connection. “You’re right.”

  She twisted and pulled her shirt up to show Amy her left flank. The Medic’s eyes narrowed while Sierra’s widened. Everyone else wisely held back shocked reactions, and I craned my neck to see for myself. The bruise across her flank had worsened since I’d seen it the night before, spreading and deepening alarmingly. What happened? I asked her.

  “It happened when I jumped the fence earlier.” she explained to Amy and me, hiding her discomfort with the vulnerable display. Amy’s speech sounded too much like the one she gave me, and it made an impression. “I felt something give, there was a sharp pain, and after we got home I noticed this.”

  Amy inspected it and prodded the area with her fingers. “You probably ruptured the kidney. You definitely ruptured something. It could be worse. You’re not weak from blood loss. It will get worse if you don’t take care of it.” She’d warned Billie this could happen but refrained from saying so. “Food and rest. No alcohol until you’re 100%. Let others do the fighting until that’s better.” She didn’t want to abandon her packmates, and Amy noticed her resistance. “Beta, internal bleeding can be deadly, even for a Wolf as tough as you. If you take care of it, you’ll be back in fighting form a lot sooner than if you don’t. You too Sadie. A day in bed would do both of you a world of good.”

  Billie set her wine glass down but didn’t go to bed like Amy wanted. “Oh. My. Gosh!” The Medic’s fire surfaced again. “I’m prescribing a day in bed together and you don’t want to do it. What’s wrong with you?”

  Billie turned to me with a sparkle in her eyes. “She didn’t try to tell us what we can or cannot do in bed this time.”

  “Why would she? It didn’t work before. I’m ready when you are,” I told my mate.

  “Stay as long as you want. You know where the spare bedrooms are if you want to use them,” she invited the Wolves as we headed for the stairs.