Eating Cupcakes in a Cemetery

by Shelley Dawn Siddall

And speaking of luck, this whole dead Serafino thing was wonderful. Other than the restaurant employees who saw the two of them together, no one could connect Serafino to him. All Vincent had to do was to drive up to a storage unit, open it with his key and haul out a duffel bag or two of money.

  As CEO of one of the largest home fashion retailers, Vincent Millar was not a stupid man. He knew there was no way to tell if he was indeed receiving the twenty-five percent they had agreed on; but he didn’t care. He had stashed his extra cash in an offshore bank for years, and now with this charity scam he was padding his nest egg quite nicely. It was too bad about the loss of the ransom money, but he would be okay.

  And his wife; his wife of all people had been instrumental in what would be his biggest coup to date. Even though their house was stuffed to the gills with every piece of furniture known to man; his wife Linda would still go shopping. About six months ago she had gone with a girlfriend to some place downtown called ‘Cottage Decorating Discounts’ and realized that the merchandize was from Vincent’s chain.

  “Vincent, they’re so sloppy, half the merchandize doesn’t even have your ticket taken off. They just slap on their own and sell it. They’re stealing from you! What are you going to do about it?”

  At first, he was furious. He then sent some of his managers into the store undercover. When they reported back to him, he was surprised at the scope of the thievery. Then he thought about the ramifications. Of course, the thieves had to have had inside help to pull this off. But Vincent was used to thinking bigger picture.

  “Don’t worry Linda. I’m going to let this Cottage Decorating Discounts keep doing business exactly the way they have been. Believe me, this is going to work in our favor. You know that re-branding thing I’m trying to push through to the Board of Directors? I think they’re finally going to go for it when it comes out that not only was Mansion Decorating Discounts ripped off for months, but an entire store was set up with their merchandize and it rivalled them for sales. In Eureka! Where our flagship store started. We’ll be the laughingstock of the industry. The Board won’t hesitate to change the name and mission of the store.”

  “But how will this help us?”

  “Honey, you should listen when I speak. We’ve gone over this before. Once they agree to the changes, the board will need to approve a big injection of cash to re-brand. Just think of the new fixtures, signs, merchandize needed for hundreds of stores; it will cost millions. And it will need to happen fast. The branches should only be shut down, on a staggered basis, for a month tops, or we would lose our customer base. And when there is that much cash flowing…”

  “Maybe some will flow our way and into our Cayman Island account?” Linda added.

  “You got it babe.”

  “And then we retire to Morocco?”

  “And then we retire.”

  When Linda left, Vincent thought about several of the other issues facing him, both professionally and personally. The union thing was basically a non-starter. Even if certification happened and a union was formed; with the stores being re-branded, they would simply fire everyone. Poof. The union was gone.

  Personal issues were not so easy to think through. He really hoped Suzanne was okay. Vincent leaned back in his chair and thought about his life trajectory as if it were a profit and loss statement.

  If he took Suzanne, instead of Linda to Morocco, his kids would hate him. Linda would be doubly surprised when she found that their joint Cayman Island account had been drained some months ago. His wife was very trusting and would probably be crushed that Vincent left her. But he highly doubted his son and daughter and wife could mount any revenge plot against him. He could put a million or so in each of their bank accounts and they’d be fine.

  He wouldn’t see his grandkids though unless he paid for them to fly out to Morocco.

  Vincent poured himself another scotch and soda. Did he really care about his grandkids that much? He had their photos in his phone, but he couldn’t remember the last time he looked at them.

  Back to Suzanne; she had been loyal to him for years. She did deserve a new life and if they played house together in a non-extradition country, she would continue to be loyal.

  But did he want a puppy dog to keep him company in his golden years?

  If he took Leandra, well everyday would be fresh and new, but someone that much younger than him would probably find a younger playmate in short order. No; Leandra was only a short-term investment.

  Of course, the real love of his life was golf. And Morocco had beautiful courses on the coast.

  Vincent weighed another factor. Linda hated golf; Suzanne was an adequate player. He clapped his hands. Decision made. Suzanne was in.

  He suddenly had an exciting thought. If he gave a generous gift, could he possibly receive an invitation to play at the very private Royal Palace in Agadir? He heard from some of his cronies that it had perfectly manicured fairways, wonderfully contoured greens and fantastic bunker complexes.

  He pushed back on his desk. “Cancel my appointments, Leandra,” he announced as he walked out of his office, “I’m gone for the afternoon.”

  Vincent had a bit of a drive ahead of him to the golf and country club so he thought he might swing by his flagship store, make a rare appearance and pick up some candy bars. Next to golf, he loved candy.

  ***

  Bev and her bottle walked back to Belinda’s. She giggled when she saw the front door wide open.

  “Good thing I got here before Bell, she’d freak out if she saw her new door flapping in the breeze,” Bev said as she stumbled on to the couch and forgetting, yet again, to shut the front door.

  “Well I’m bored,” Bev said looking around the room. She noticed a few puzzle pieces she had missed and crouched down to pick them up.

  A bullet zinged by her head.

  “Again with the wasp?” Bev said as she flattened herself on the floor.

  She looked in the direction of the front door and saw a pair of white sneakered feet.

  “I can still see you,” a woman said.

  Bev continued to lay on the floor. “I know it’s well before labour day, but white footwear is never a good look. I thought you should know,” she said.

  “Normally, I don’t dress like this, but I thought if I’m going to do a bit of rough work, I should dress in sensible shoes. I’m here for the flamingo.”

  Bev sat up. “Cool, I know exactly where it is.” She pulled the flash drive out of Belinda’s computer. “I’m a little drunk, I can’t seem to put it together. Here, you do it.” She threw the two pieces of the flamingo flash drive to the tall woman.

  The woman picked it up. “Thanks, I’ll give this to Tony. I guess that concludes our business for today.”

  Bev looked behind her. The bullet had gone into the back of the couch and left a neat little hole behind.

  “I wonder if anyone will notice that?” she said. She got up and closed the door and locked it.

  Bev went back to retrieving the puzzle pieces. She had to think about what just happened. She decided a song would help.

  “Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer!”

  Chapter Fifteen

  “No hon, she checked out a couple of days ago and I have no idea where she might be.” Margaret stuck out her hand and raised her right eyebrow.

  Gary reached over and awkwardly shook her hand.

  “Yeah, I figured that when a bald-headed guy in a bathrobe answered her door. You don’t know where she went at all? No forwarding address?”

  Margaret stuck out her hand again and tapped the back of it on the counter. “Son, give me some money.”

  Gary shook his head. “Oh no, ma’am, I don’t want to rent a room; I just want to find Bev.”

  “You must be one of God’s special snowflakes. Hon, give me some money and I’ll tell you where she is.”

  The light dawned, and Gary threw a twenty at Margaret. He found the whole idea of extorting money dista
steful. Him being paid off by Helen to rip off Vincent was another matter entirely.

  Margaret sighed and gave him the information she had looked up after Suzanne had tricked her. “She’s at her sister’s, Belinda Nichols at 1104 Wayfare Road, Eureka California. But you better hurry, I have a feeling she won’t be there long.”

  After Gary burned out of the parking lot, Margaret clenched her teeth. If one more person comes in here asking for Beverly Nichols, I’m upping my fee to forty bucks she thought. She turned up the television and started shouting out the answers to the game show host. He didn’t hear her.

  ***

  “Two hundred and fourteen bottles of beer on the wall; two hundred and fourteen bottles of beer; go to the store, buy some more, two hundred and fifteen bottles of beer on the wall!”

  “Bev, that is not how it goes. You have to take one down and pass it around. Listen, I’ll sing it for you. A hundred bottles of beer on the wall, one hundred bottles of beer…”

  Four people sat in Belinda’s living room; two with their own whiskey bottles and two seriously considering taking up Bev’s offer of a bottle each. As the twins continued to sing loudly, Hailey and Sean tried not to laugh.

  “It’s like dueling banjos, but with drunks,” Sean said.

  Hailey kept quiet. Although she had no official status, she wondered about the integrity of interrogating suspects when they were rip snorting drunk.

  What the hell, she thought.

  “Bev, Belinda, could I have your attention for a minute or two?” she asked.

  “Pull one down, pass it around…” Belinda had her eyes closed, her hands wrapped around her bottle and was singing her heart out in an attempt to drown out her sister.

  “Two hundred and sixteen bottles of beer on the wall except in Belinda’s house where she gives it away to everybody,” Bev sang and added, “on the wall.”

  Sean figured he should act; Miss Hailey was far too polite. He brought out his gun and fired it through the ceiling. The singing stopped.

  “Miss Beverly, please be advised that my cousin Surinder Summan, is the best criminal lawyer in Los Angeles. I suggest we go there right now, and he will defend you for the multitude of charges you will receive as soon as the FBI catch up to you. My Grandmother thinks you are foolish if you do not do this.”

  Hailey reached over and took the gun from Sean. She smiled at the young women that were still frozen on the couch.

  “Let’s go over this one step at a time,” she said.

  Sean clapped his hands. “Yes, I am playing the bad cop and you are the good cop. Well done, Miss Hailey! An excellent strategy.”

  Hailey ignored Sean and continued gently. “Now a little over two weeks ago Bev, you were enjoying Karaoke at the Shillelagh Shenanigans Pub with Suzanne.”

  The redhead everybody was looking for found her voice that was temporarily lost when the gun was fired. “That’s in Eureka,” she said, “Where Belinda lives.”

  Her sister punched her in the shoulder. “I am Belinda you turkey.”

  Bev scratched her nose. “What does the ‘u’ stand for; Unicorn?” She leaned forward and attempted to cross her arms. “I have a sister Belinda Prue Nichols, but I can’t tell anybody her middle name and I’m not going to.”

  She received another punch in her shoulder. Bev turned to look at the person punching her and gasped. “Belinda! I’ve missed you! How did you get here?”

  ***

  “She just gave it to me; here you go.” Luna handed the flash drive to Tony. “Oh right,” she said and handed him his gun.

  “Thanks for reminding me to buy bullets,” Tony said as he looked quizzically at the flamingo. “It’s the little bird toy; oh how cute.” Tony laughed. “I thought I was looking for a real flamingo called flash something. No wonder I didn’t recognize it. I guess if Auntie Helen wants it, I’ll give it to her. She might be at her pawn shop or her store.”

  “Don’t you think we should see what’s on it first?” Luna saw Tony looking at the flash drive and back at her.

  “It’s pink.”

  “Let me show you what I mean. We need to go to my place. I’ll tell you how to get there.”

  “So I can drive?”

  “Of course you can Tony, it’s your vehicle!”

  Tony and Luna hopped into his new BMW Range Rover that he had paid for in cash that morning. Cash that Carmen had no idea was missing.

  When Luna plugged the flash drive into her laptop; Tony was genuinely amazed.

  “All that on that tiny little thing? It’s amazing. I recognize the name of Auntie Helen’s store, but what is this stuff about Mansion Decorating Discounts? Do you know how to read this Luna?”

  Luna was rapidly skimming the jpegs of truck manifests. “Tony, could you please make us some coffee; I’ve got a lot of emails to read. I’ll tell you one thing though; you thought your life changed a lot in the last twenty-four hours? That’s going to be nothing compared to the next twenty-four.”

  ***

  “Confidentially,” Bev carefully enunciated, “Suzanne is okay as a singer, but my sister is way better. She’s recently changed her name to Belinda Unicorn Turkey, but I know her real name.” Bev held her finger to her lips. “Sssh, don’t tell anybody.”

  “Oh we won’t. Can you tell me who kidnapped Suzanne?” Hailey asked.

  “It wasn’t me and it wasn’t Suzanne, it was bad guys.”

  Belinda pointed to Hailey and then Sean. “Hear that? It was bad guys. My sister didn’t do anything wrong. She’s perfect.”

  Sean had an idea. Hailey had filled him in on what she knew about Suzanne travelling back and forth to her condo and ordering pizza. “Were they imaginary bad guys?”

  Bev attempted to touch her nose. “Ding ding ding! You got it in one! Suzanne wanted Vincent to buy her a house with at least five appliances…”

  Belinda squinted her eyes and said mysteriously, “Five appliances. Got that? Five.”

  Her sister continued, “And Serafino was supposed to move her to Seattle, and they were going to buy a franchise and live happily ever after making donuts or coffee, but he didn’t.”

  Belinda added menacingly, “He didn’t.”

  The suspended FBI agent and her buddy kept quiet as Bev went on.

  “We handcuffed her to a pipe, but not the kind you smoke. It was…” Bev took a drink and explained further, “it was a pipe.”

  “Oh, a pipe,” Sean said as he nodded his head.

  Surprisingly, Bev’s memories continued, with some degree of accuracy and her sister continued to echo Bev’s last word.

  “It was a pipe!” Belinda said in a dream like voice passing her hand slowly in front of her, as though a vista was unfolding.

  “And I was going to get makeup, but my sister kicked me out of her house, so I drove all the way home.” She started to giggle. “And I cried wee wee wee all the way home!”

  Sean whispered to Hailey. “Why would she be needing make-up?”

  Hailey whispered back, “Who knows, just go with it.” Hailey was happy that she had confirmed the kidnapping was faked, but where did the ransom money go? She didn’t want to interrupt Bev but felt she had to ask.

  “What happened to the money?”

  “Oh, Vincent put it in a duffle bag and put it under the bench. But I didn’t know that until that cute bartender phoned me.”

  Belinda acted out a phone ringing. “Ring. A ling. A ling,” she intoned as she shook her head and shoulders.

  “What is that?”

  “It’s a phone you nitwit.”

  “In what century?”

  “Girls!” Hailey shouted, “Back to the money.”

  “Back to the money, back to the money,” Belinda said snidely. “It right over there. Take it.” She pointed to the kitchen table; the bag was gone. She shrugged.

  “The bartender, who was drinking by the way…” Bev interrupted herself. “Imagine, drinking on the job. What is this world coming to? He said he went out for a smok
e and an old guy threw a bag under the bench and said this is for Suzanne. So he phoned me! It might be because I told him I was Suzanne and gave him my number.” Bev stopped and looked panic stricken. “Don’t tell Gary, ok?”

  “Please don’t tell Gary,” Belinda pleaded, “he gave her the cutest little flamingo. It’s in the computer; his bum comes off too! Here let me show you.” She checked her laptop but couldn’t find the flash drive. She looked confused and then shrugged it off.

  “Did you pick up the money?” Hailey asked.

  “I guess so. I went back and got the duffle bag for Suzanne. But I had to feed my angel, so I went home.”

  “Of course,” said Sean.

  “Wee wee wee all the way home.”

  “Shut up Bell, I’m telling a story here.”

  Belinda sat up. “Okay, what’s it about? Does it have horses? I just love horses.”

  ***

  Jakob Kim had spent a frustrating morning and afternoon reviewing paperwork. His phone rang.

  “Jakob Kim.”

  “Hi Jakob, this is Lisa Stopford-Perkins, out of the Eureka office? Don Halverson asked me to call you? Do you have a moment to talk?”

  Internally Jakob sighed. As per usual, Lisa ended every sentence with an upward lilt. What was she, thirteen?

  “Of course I do Lisa. What’s on your mind?”

  “There’s been a bit of mix-up; your reports are coming to our office? The agents thought Hailey Peterson was still on the Bev Nichols thingy?”

  Jakob had worked with Lisa for about a year. That had been more than enough.

  “What reports did you receive Lisa?”

  “Well the guy out at the airport said Suzanne Turcotte got on a plane for Sydney Australia?”

  “What? Put Don on the line.”

  “Shall I tell him who it is?”

  As Jakob waited, he flipped through the papers on his desk and found the one he wanted. There it was, signed by one Jamal Osman.

  “Jakob, how are you doing man? We miss you; especially with this Hailey/Jamal mess. Ever thought of coming back home?”

  “Don, I may have to. It seems Jamal neglected to put Suzanne Turcotte under special scrutiny at the airport, even though he signed off on it and she slipped out of the U.S. today.”