The Evensong

by Lindsay Payton

  “So, friends?” I asked again when we turned down the road into town.

  “Oh, yeah—they’re all nice, normal people. As far as normal goes for me, I mean.”

  “That’s good,” I responded automatically. “And they’re like—us?”

  He nodded. “Yep. But they grew up in public schools and all, so they’re got a slightly different outlook. Rene’s convinced I’m secretly terrified to leave, so I think she was hoping they’d be able to reassure me.”

  “Are you?” I asked, looking up at him. “Terrified?”

  He pursed his lips and shook his head. “Nah, not that scared. Nervous, I guess, but isn’t everybody?”

  I was unable to answer, but left it at that as the large, still trains came into view. The first streetlamps had flickered on and I could see the movement of people near the station.

  “Let’s go around this way,” Omar suggested, seeing the men up ahead. He took my arm and pulled me down the brick walkway until we’d put two trains between the men and us.

  We started walking between the trains, avoiding the gravel that covered the ground and instead stepping on the wooden pieces of the train track.

  “How long’s it been since you were here?” Omar asked lowly, walking ahead of me.

  “However long it was since we were both here,” I replied, nervous as I looked behind me. These walks never used to irk me, but this time around I was afraid of being caught. Not that we were doing anything wrong—just trespassing on private property after hours.

  “So a long time,” Omar said, his foot slipping from the wood to the gravel. The crunch of the rocks was loud in the quiet, and I flinched a little as he walked on, hardly caring.

  There was new graffiti on the trains we passed. I didn’t recognize any of it before, and I wondered if security had been bumped up to prevent anymore of this. I was busy looking at the art, bracing my hand on the train, and I ran into Omar’s back when he stopped abruptly, signaling for me to be quiet.

  “What?” I whispered under my breath, glancing behind me. I could hear the gravel shifting somewhere nearby and low voices talking under the noise. From under the train across us, I could see the spots of light from the flashlights.

  “Come on.” Omar grabbed my hand and rushed me to the next train car, climbing up the nearly vertical steps. I carefully followed after him, my heart speeding up when I saw the dark shape and bright light coming around the train. Standing between the doors of the separate cars, I bit my lip as Omar quietly tried the door of the yellow car—that was locked. Moving between some chains as quietly as possible, he went to the green car and tried that door, finding it unlocked. The door swung open silently, and he ushered me inside first before coming in after me.

  I stood in the darkness of the interior, looking out the grimy windows while Omar closed the door after him. He was smiling widely as he stood beside me, looking out at the two men walking by, their flashlights scanning the ground, under the trains and on the platforms. I shrunk back when the light went over one of the windows, but the man didn’t see me. They moved on, listening for the sound of spray paint as I caught my breath.

  “Since when was this stressful?” I muttered, almost afraid to speak.

  “I guess the idea of getting in trouble was a thrill back then,” Omar replied, not bothering to lower his voice. I tried to shush him, but he just laughed at me.

  “They can’t hear us in here, Riley, don’t worry,” he said, looking around the room. “Wonder who’s place this is …”

  I stayed put as he walked down the narrow space between desks. There was a worn couch placed at the opposite end of the car, under one of the cleaner windows. Across from that, a small table held a coffee maker and some plastic cups. The place served as someone’s office—or a few people, judging by the multiple desks—and I suddenly felt very intrusive. I guess there couldn’t have been much important inside if they neglected to lock the door.

  I sat on the desk nearest to me and picked up one of the papers under a notebook. It was impossible to read the handwriting, and there were some configurations in the corner, but other than that I had no idea what the subject might be.

  “Interesting workspace,” Omar commented as he made his way back towards me.

  I nodded, anxious to go. It was cold in here, which meant it was only getting colder outside. I stood, glancing out the windows for any sign of the guards. But there didn’t appear to be any light at all, if not for the weak moon on the horizon.

  “We should go,” I said.

  “In a minute,” Omar said, glancing at the work on the desktops.

  “No, now,” I insisted, tugging at his sleeve.

  “Calm down, no one’s going to catch us,” he said, laughing at little. I folded my arms over my chest, impatient to go. He leaned on the desk across from me, imitating my stance.

  “Omar—”

  “Okay,” he said, standing fast. There was hardly any room between us, and his arms brushed mine as he dropped them to his sides. I stood slowly, not believing he’d be so willing after a weak argument. But he was looking at me in a way that I wasn’t sure how to decipher.

  “Come on,” I said, turning towards the door. He stopped me when he held out an arm, pulling me back towards him. Now this was too close for my own comfort at the moment, and I tried to discreetly move away. There was no way out of his arms though—with the desk behind me, I was pinned.

  “Wait a sec,” he said quietly. I couldn’t meet his eyes, and I waited to see what he wanted to say. “Why don’t you just … just come with me to college. You could get in, no problem.”

  “No,” I replied instantly. Was this really what he wanted to say? I doubted it. “I already told you, it’s not for—”

  “Then why not for me?” he asked.

  I was quiet for a long time, not understanding what he had said. When I finally looked up at him, I shrugged. “What?”

  “Why don’t you come with me? For me?”

  The last of his question was almost an inaudible mumble, but I still heard him, and past his embarrassment, I knew he was relived to have said it.

  “I—Omar, you—” I couldn’t give him a straight answer. There was the obvious: no, I said no college for me. There was the logical: I couldn’t go now, it was too late, and where would I stay? There was the confusion: I could go, he was my friend and I didn’t want him to leave … but follow him to college? And there was the unspoken threat: Linden.

  I was left there stuttering into the dark, trying to find a logical answer, when Omar’s face was suddenly very close and I could feel his breath on my cheek. He didn’t give me a moment to clearly react—one second I was still gaping, another and his lips were over mine.

  I gasped, though I could hardly breathe. He seemed to smother every part of me in this suffocating, random act. I tried to move away, though I did it slowly so I didn’t seem disgusted or anything. Still, that didn’t work, and Omar only pressed his body into mine with more force. The edge of the desk was digging into my lower back, and I made a noise of discomfort, though it was muffled. Omar’s lips worked against mine, maybe trying to coax the want out of me. Beyond my surprise, the only thought that came clearly to my mind was the fact that I felt nothing like that towards him; it was nothing like kissing Linden.

  I tore away when the memory of Linden flooded my mind. Omar still held me, his arms around my waist, and I could feel him trying to catch his breath.

  “Riley—”

  “No, Omar …” I twisted out of his grasp, going towards the door. I opened it and stepped out, not bothering to wait. I didn’t even care if one of the men caught me, I just wanted out.

  I rushed along the track, hearing Omar clambering after me. I didn’t wait for him, and he didn’t strive to catch up.

  This was so sudden, though not nearly random enough. I remembered the night I had fallen asleep in his room and woken up to find him dozing beside me. He’d kissed my cheek before he left the room. Then, I’d di
smissed it as pure affection, but it appeared I was incredibly naïve. He always seemed so against Linden since he found out what he was … but was it not the fact that he was an Elemental, but because I had grown attached him?

  I felt stupid as I walked on in the dark towards home. I’d been so wrapped up in my own troubles, I’d hardly given any thought to others. How selfish; I’d have to work on that. Still, I was slightly angry at Omar for what he’d done. Couldn’t I have a little warning? Could he have asked to kiss me first? That felt old-fashioned, but I still wanted that from him: respect.

  No, I didn’t want anything from him. I wanted our friendship, the simple relationship we had before. That seemed to be completely shattered now as I trudged up the slight incline of dirt road towards home. Omar still walked behind me, silent, and that’s how I preferred it. I didn’t turn around once the entire walk, and closed the door behind me when I finally stepped into the house.

  RECALL AVOIDANCE

  I avoided Omar at all costs as the next week passed. I couldn’t even meet his eyes, let alone think of anything to say to him. He’d tried to talk to me on a few occasions, but I walked away or talked to the nearest person. It seemed cruel, but I wasn’t up to facing the subject yet. Call it cowardice, but things were circling my mind and completely skewering my judgment.

  I didn’t tell Alysana what had happened at the railyard. Instead, I let her gush to me about her ‘friend’ from the college, a guy named William. I had yet to meet him, but she was absolutely smitten. She didn’t quite admit it, but you could tell by just looking at her when she talked about him.

  I let her distraction be mine. I let her talk about him all she wanted, speculate on this and that, until I felt like I was an extension of her head. I knew why I was doing this—to forget a certain someone—but it wasn’t working very well. It seemed to backfire on me and cause more time to realize I was trying not to think.

  All of this could never go unnoticed, not in a house like mine. Hank was the first to innocently ask if Omar and I weren’t friends anymore; I assured him we were still friends. Rene shot suspicious looks, but Alysana was the most prying of all.

  “So, are you going to tell me why you and Omar don’t talk anymore?” she asked one evening as we stood in the greenhouse. I paused in my work, glancing at her with an innocent shrug.

  “I don’t know, we had an argument, that’s it,” I replied, going back to digging small holes for seeds. Even though I wasn’t looking at her, I could tell she was glaring.

  “You are the worst liar, Riley,” she said as she began dropping seeds into the holes I’d made.

  I shook my head. “It’s stupid, all right? He was trying to convince me to go to school with him so I wouldn’t be miserable, and I told him no.”

  I said it with force as if I was trying to convince myself it was true, too. Alysana shrugged and finally sighed.

  “You guys are both so stubborn,” she said. “Why not just drop the Elemental and go with Omar?”

  I stopped what I was doing and stood. This was the last thing I wanted to hear. “Yeah, why not right?” I mumbled.

  Alysana called after me in confusion as I stormed out. I just waved a hand in her direction and took off towards the road.

  It was stupid not to grab a light jacket before I took off. It was a little chilly, and I clutched my arms as I walked to the right, in the direction of the swamps. No, I wasn’t going to see Linden; I wanted to be in the swamps. I missed it so much, and I’d forced myself to stay away after the final time I’d seen Linden. Now, I wouldn’t deprive myself anymore.

  The cool air started to smell particularly damp and still. This put an instant smile on my face, and I started jogging towards the dark smudge that was the trees against the inky sky.

  I wasn’t afraid as I rushed into the absolutely darkness of the swamps. There were so many noises here: bugs, some lone bird, the water, the trees. I loved it all over again, and I touched the trees as I passed, staring up at the lightning bugs until I found my spot. It was remotely dry as I sat down, hugging my arms in close to my body. My eyes were slowly adjusting, but I could see the outlines of things clearer now.

  I barely realized I was beginning to project. It was like my body just did it on its own in this environment. And it was one of the best times I’d had. I sailed through everything in big, gracious swoops, absorbing all of the feeling of each. I don’t think I’d ever been so careless in expelling my energy, but at the moment I didn’t care. I was greedy in the expanse of space I covered, and I wasn’t even sure how long I was gone.

  When I returned to my body, my limps were cold and my fingers tingled with slight numbness. My teeth started chattering as I sat up, but I was smiling nonetheless. It had all felt so good, and I felt cumbersome and weak being grounded again.

  I stumbled when I stood, which told me I’d used way too much energy in that sitting. It worried me a little as I tried to make my way back to the edge of the trees, but it had happened before. Not to mention Alysana had to heal me afterwards, but I was sure it wasn’t that serious this time.

  Though I’d been walking, I was still slightly out of breath when I reached the road. Damn, I thought grudgingly as I put my hands over my head. Walking home was going to take so much longer than usual, and I felt much colder than before.

  My hands began to tremble as I walked, and I clenched them together when I heard a car in the distance. I’m sure I looked great, shoulders hunched and stumbling slightly along the side of the road. I tried to straighten, but it was just too cold. I grasped my shoulders and watched the road as headlights approached from behind. If it was anyone who lived in town, they would probably regard me as more of the ‘freak’ they thought I was anyway.

  My heart sped up a little as I heard the car come to an abrupt stop. A handful of ideas flit through my mind in a panic, and I kept walking, even when I heard a car door open.

  “Riley?”

  My heart must have dropped into my stomach. I recognized that voice, even before I turned on instinct, blinded by the headlights. My hand went up to shield my eyes, and I could barely make out a silhouette coming around the front of the car. I didn’t need to see his face to know it was him.

  He stopped a good five feet away. “Are you okay?”

  Lowering my hand—which was shaking—I stared at Linden, not quite believing he was there. Of course he was; I wasn’t completely out of it.

  “I’m fine,” I said, whispering.

  He looked me up and down for a second. “You don’t look okay.”

  “I was just in the swamp,” I said, taking a step back. It felt like magnet opposition, like I should be going the other way.

  “Wait,” Linden said quickly, taking a step forward. “Let me drive you home, at least.”

  It’s fine, I can walk. I heard the words in my head, but I couldn’t make my voice or lips cooperate with what I knew was right.

  He seemed to see my hesitation and went to the car, getting inside to unlock the passenger door. He stayed in the car, watching me. I barely managed to swallow as I felt my feet move below me, taking me towards the car.

  I opened the door and slowly sat down out of both nervousness and stiffness. Linden didn’t stare, just shut his door and put on his seatbelt. I followed suit and looked straight ahead, using my hair as a barrier between him and my line of sight.

  He drove slowly, deliberately. He didn’t say a word and let the static on the radio fill the silence. When I saw the house looming into sight, my throat clutched.

  “Do you want to go somewhere else?” Linden asked. Maybe he’d felt my sudden tension.

  But I wasn’t ready yet. “No. This is fine.”

  He seemed disappointed, and I dared to look at him. One hand on the wheel, he stared down at his lap, thinking. “Would you be willing to talk? Tomorrow?”

  I hesitated, knowing what I wanted to say, but wondering if it would be all right. “Where?”

  “I’ll take you somewhere,” he sa
id, meeting my gaze. “I wanted to since you … well, have you been to the city in a while?”

  The city. It was a vague term but I knew he was talking about the forty-five minute drive north where the swamps tended to dwindle out and all of the roads were paved. I hadn’t been there in years.

  “It’s been a long time,” I replied.

  “Good,” he said, his tone lifting a little. He lowered it again before he asked, “Would you be okay with going there with me?”

  I didn’t hesitate as I nodded, swallowing hard. My throat had suddenly gone dry. I wasn’t in any state to talk now, but I would be prepared for the next day.

  “Thanks for the ride,” I said as I fumbled with the door. It popped open, and I put one foot out, not wanting to go, yet wanting to run at the same time.

  “When can you meet me at the swamps?” he asked.

  I thought for a minute, taking note that I had some very final preparations to make with Rene regarding my ceremony. “Noon?”

  “Fair enough,” he said, smiling very slightly. “Can you make it to the door?”

  “I’m fine, don’t worry,” I said as I stood, bracing my hand on his car. I shut the door and mustered the rest of my strength to get me to the front door. Linden didn’t move until I’d reached the porch, and I heard the car drive away in the direction of town.

  Luckily, no one had been near the windows when I walked in. The kitchen was empty again except for Alysana and Rene. They were talking quietly, both in better moods than I’d last seen them. They both looked at me as I toed off my shoes next to the door.

  “Hey there,” Rene said conversationally. Alysana looked a little more reserved, but she smiled a little.

  “What’re you making?” I asked, trying to hide the exhaustion in my voice as I sat at the table.

  Alysana looked towards the steaming kettle on the stove, forgetting she was the one holding it over the fire as she added her homemade teabags.

  “Oh—just tea. Want some?”

  I nodded, hoping I didn’t look as weak as I felt. How stupid to do such a projection alone. Rene would kill me if she knew, so I kept it to myself as I waited for the water to boil.