Us: A If I Break (Her) Story

by Portia Moore

  “When I said I was on her side…I didn’t mean Megan,” he sputters out. What the hell is he talking about? Who the fuck’s side is he on, Hillary Clinton’s?

  He must read the confusion in my face.

  “I meant Alana.”

  I don’t get what he’s talking about. Alana? He doesn’t even know Alana. He’s never met her. Why would he be on her side?

  “What are you talking about?” I’m trying to contain the anxiousness that’s climbing in me, to push away the tension that’s building around my temples. He looks around briefly as if he’s about to tell me a secret or something. I clasp my hands together in an attempt to be patient.

  “I did know Alana,” he says, his voice wobbly.

  I laugh. “Good one Blue. You got me, I almost believed you.” I shake my head and chuckle.

  “I’m not joking. I met her through a guy I did work with. She set the marks up, we did a job together, and we hit it off,” he starts to explain. I can’t swallow. I can’t move. I can’t breathe. If he says what the hell I think he’s about to say, I’m going to be arrested for assault.

  “It’s not what you think. When I say ‘hit it off,’ I mean we understood each other, both coming from crap families doing what we had to so we could get by. She became my friend. I didn’t know about you until I took her to my dad’s sobriety barbeque and she saw a picture of us together.” I sit back in my chair feeling my blood pressure starting to rise, but wanting to remain calm. To not reach over and grab him by the neck until I hear how he’s going to end his fucked up confession.

  “I didn’t know about her condition until after that. She told me I couldn’t tell you, and you wouldn’t have believed me anyway. We hadn’t even spoken in years. But when she knew she was…leaving, that Megan was coming back, she made me promise to make up with you. She loved you, and she made me promise to never say anything. But this is…” He’s talking a mile a minute and sounds desperate, almost like he’s pleading with me, like a kid trying to explain to his mother why he flushed the goldfish down the toilet. Instead, he’s just been treating my life like a fucking frisbee.

  “It’s fucked up and shitty as hell!” I growl, unable to contain my composure anymore.

  “I know man. I’m sorry. I was just…shit, I don’t know. I was trying to do what she said!” he yells back. I take several deep breaths, trying to calm down and make everything make sense.

  “You knew all along, the whole fucking time!”

  “I was trying to fix things. I just thought once she saw you, that…she’d remember. When Katie told me Kam was going to propose I thought this was the best way to fix things,” he pleads. “I’m sorry bro. I fucked up. It’s all fucked up!”

  “Wait, so Megan doesn’t know you know about Alana?” I ask, and he looks away from me guiltily. I laugh because it’s the only way I can stop myself from breaking Blue’s jaw. He and Alana were friends the entire time I was with her. While I was blubbering on about how great she was, how much I loved her, telling him that I knew Megan was her, he pretended that he had no fucking clue!

  “You let me go crazy. You let Megan go crazy! You could have fixed all of this!” I shout, pushing myself from the table.

  “No. It doesn’t work like that! I couldn’t just tell Megan. She wouldn’t have believed me and she’d never have come to see you. I thought I was doing the right thing.”

  “You should have told me, Blue!” Now the restaurant is completely quiet except for us.

  “Stay the fuck away from me bro!” I tell him, storming towards the door. I hear him follow behind me, and I turn and give him a death stare that warns him I’m two seconds away from kicking his ass. I don’t know what to think, how to feel…everything seems wrong. Left is right, up is down. If my closest cousin—who I thought was my best friend—lied and kept secrets from me, then I don’t know who I can trust.

  8

  Megan

  It’s different now, like a weight has been lifted since I’ve told Kam about Ian. Well I haven’t exactly told him everything but he knows he exists and it’s the best feeling I’ve had in a long while. I thought after I told him that things would change, that he’d look at me differently, that it’d be too much. But it didn’t change anything. He still looks like I’m the best part of his life, and he’s let me know he’s going to be here every step of the way. He told me that he’s gotten approved to transfer his program, and we agreed that he’ll move in with me. He’s a little uncomfortable staying in the apartment Cal owns so we’ll start to look at places next month. We’ll need a bigger place anyway, but Kam doesn’t know why because I haven’t told him yet.

  I know it’s keeping a secret but this is different. I don’t want to tell him he’s going to be a dad while we’re sitting inside a psychiatric ward, even one as nice as this. I want it to be romantic. I want to let him know how much I love him and that I will do everything it takes to make sure this baby is brought into a safe, warm, and loving family. That we made this baby. It’s ours and I’m going to do everything to make sure its life is amazing. Whatever I have to go up against I will.

  It’s funny that Alana’s supposed to be the strong one, the one who handles pressure well, who saved me. Actually, she didn’t save me. She can’t because she’s fragmented and mentally stunted, not to mention emotionally broken.

  This baby is what’s going to save me.

  He or she will be a person I can love and who will love me unconditionally. I haven’t been hearing Alana at all either, and that’s only strengthened my faith that she wants absolutely nothing to do with this. Besides, she couldn’t be a mom. She only cares about herself and Ian…and not even really Ian because she abandoned him. I’ve been trying not to think of Ian. I can’t now; there’s someone more important that I have to think about what’s best for. I know that Ian loves Alana, but she could never make him happy since he’ll never have her completely—because my heart will always belong to Kam.

  Kam is comfort, Kam is reliable, Kam comes from a great family. He’s loved me at my worst and will accept me as I am. He won’t ever wish I was someone else. Yes, Ian and I have a connection, I can’t deny that, one that I’ve known existed since I first saw him. But when we kissed it was scary how strong it was. It wasn’t ours. His feelings weren’t for me. The intensity between us wasn’t based on our history.

  While I was out from the accident memories began to flood in of the two of them. Her feelings for him almost suffocated me, and I know now that she was angry. She doesn’t want me to have Ian and I really believe once she knows that Ian isn’t what I want, that I will leave what they had unaffected, she won’t bother me anymore. It’s just as well because what I felt that day with him when we first met wasn’t my feelings. They were hers.

  Ian said that he could love both of us, but what he doesn’t understand is Alana is the worst part of me. She’s reckless and proved that by almost getting us killed. She’s ridiculously impulsive and makes dumb decisions, but he loved her regardless, and that sort of love doesn’t go away. He’d always want her back, he’d always be looking for her, maybe even wishing for her. I have grown to care about Ian. He’s a really good guy and he deserves someone better than Alana, and this baby is the answer. Without it I don’t think he’d ever let her go, but once he knows that there’s another life involved, that he isn’t the father…he’ll have to let her go.

  Without Ian Alana has no reason to exist now. I don’t need her protection, or for her to help me function. I know Helen says there’s no way to really get rid of an alter and that integration is what the goal is, but I’ve been researching as well and I’ve found that people with multiple alters have found that most of them usually go away, or come so infrequently it’s like they’re gone permanently. If it’s true for people who have ten and twenty alters then why can’t it be true for someone with one? Plus, my circumstances are different from theirs.

  I don’t know exactly why Alana came about and to be honest I don’t really car
e. I have a theory that growing up in foster care was not easy and there were difficult times that I may have created her for, but that’s over. I’m about to have a good life. I’m safe now and I don’t need her warped attempts to try to protect me anymore.

  I look towards the large floor-to-ceiling window. The sun is pouring in; it’s a beautifully perfect day. I feel invigorated and emboldened by it, like the weather is a sign from the universe telling me that everything is going to be okay, that it will all work out.

  Kam comes through the door carrying a large bouquet of yellow roses and it makes the biggest smile come across my face. His eyes light up at me as he crosses the room and hands them to me.

  “They’re beautiful Kam,” I tell him, taking in the scent. I move them out of the way, relishing the soft kiss we share. It takes everything in me not to tell him right now that he’s going to be a father, that I’m carrying a part of him inside of me.

  “What’s on the agenda for today?” he asks me. I giggle.

  “Well I don’t seem to be going anywhere,” I tell him jokingly.

  “Is Dr. Lyce coming today?” he asks, and I shake my head.

  “No, she had something come up last minute with another one of her patients, but she promises once I’m released that we’ll have treatment daily.” He nods and squeezes my hand before kissing it.

  “Are you really comfortable with her sweetheart?” he asks while his gorgeous eyes hold mine captive.

  “Yeah, I think so,” I say quietly. His brows knit together and a glimpse of skepticism passes across his expression, but it’s gone as quickly as it was there.

  “Have you talked to Blue?” he asks curiously, and I shake my head.

  “No, he hasn’t called me either, which is kind of strange.” Ever since I’ve come to Chicago Blue and I usually talk every day, so this is definitely not normal for us to go this long without talking.

  “Did you see him when you left the other day?” I ask him curiously. He gives a half nod as he uses the remote to change the channel on the TV.

  “Did he say anything to you?” I ask, noticing how he seems to be more engaged at what’s happening on the television than what I’m saying to him. I’m not entirely surprised. When Kam found out that Blue was with me when I first came to Chicago and Blue didn’t tell him where I was, things changed between them, and I hate that it’s my fault. Before all of this they had such an easy friendship. Yes, it was because Blue and Katie were dating, and that ended terribly wrong as well, but I still think if all of this hadn’t happened they’d be on good terms with one another. I know he doesn’t exactly like the relationship between me and Blue but he trusts me. It makes me guilty to think about it and I know I have to tell him that Ian is Blue’s cousin sooner rather than later. I just want it all to happen at the right time. I don’t want to mess things up more than I already have. Thinking about it makes me wonder if it will even matter. Once I tell Kam about the baby I don’t know how long our friendship will be able to sustain with Kam not exactly being thrilled for it. I’m sure after Ian knows about the baby he’ll need Blue’s support a lot more than I will.

  I ignore the sting of guilt that shoots through me.

  “No, we didn’t say much to each other. I was kind of tired and just wanted to get home after I knew you were okay,” he says, finally settling on a baseball game.

  “I just wanted to say I appreciate you being so understanding about everything. I know it’s a lot,” I start, and he’s at my side in a second.

  “Megan, I love you. I told you there’s nothing that would stop that from happening. I’m here to support you and do whatever I can to make life better for you, for us. I just…” He trails off, his soft expression becoming more determined.

  “I just need you to be honest with me, to trust me to be that person who you can share everything with.” His tone is almost pleading and I feel guilt gnawing at me. I know I haven’t been entirely honest with Kam but it’s to avoid hurting him. I don’t want to make things worse. I do want him to know the whole truth, I just feel it would be a lot better telling him the truth with Dr. Lyce. But in this moment with his feelings on his shoulders, begging me to be honest with him, to let him in I have to tell him something. So I let out a quiet breath and build up my resolve.

  “Ian…Ian is Blue’s cousin,” I tell him, and I watch his eyes widen in surprise. Then his face morphs into anger.

  “What?!” he says, his voice raised and his anger visible.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you…” I feel so guilty. His lips are pressed together into a hard line and he’s walked away from my bed. I can tell he’s mad, seething, and it’s strange that I haven’t seen Kam angry a lot. There’s been occasions where he’s been annoyed, irritated, and frustrated, but never flat out angry. It makes my stomach twist because I’m hoping that it’s towards me and not misdirected. He turns back to face me, rage contorting his beautiful face.

  “He lied to me. That son of a bitch!” he yells. I’m taken aback, my thoughts racing a mile a minute trying to think of how to fix this.

  “It was only because I asked him to. Please don’t blame Blue for this,” I beg him.

  “How can I not? Everyone’s been hiding so much crap from me!” he yells.

  “I have been hiding it from you, not Blue. It’s me who owed you the truth, not him.”

  “I’m sorry Megan but you can’t fix this. You’re telling me your ex-husband happens to be Blue’s cousin and he had no idea this entire time!” he spouts, his eyes squinting as if he’s trying to see if I’m still lying or just an idiot.

  “Blue didn’t know until I met him, Kam, and even with him being his cousin he’s been nothing but unbiased and supportive of what I want. To be completely honest he’s been more on my side than Ian’s,” I try to explain, but Kam is furious.

  “That’s bullshit Megan. There’s no way he didn’t know. And he just so happened to take you to his cousin’s house?!”

  “I know what it seems like,” I plead to him, seeing his anger start to subside a tiny bit, but his indignation has only grown. He stalks towards me and if it was any other man I’d be afraid, but with Kam I’ve never felt safer.

  “Megan. Listen to me.” My hands are in his now.

  “Think about what you’re saying. Blue, who finds things out about people for a living as easy as it is to breathe, found out all of this stuff about you, your family…but didn’t find anything about Ian, or Alana for that matter. It just doesn’t make sense.”

  “I know what it seems like but…” I trail off. It is a coincidence, a big one, and nothing I haven’t thought about more than once. I was sure it was all a trick when it first happened but there’s no way. If Blue knew that’d mean Ian would have known also. Nobody can fake the pain, the anguish, and restraint that Ian has shown. I can’t say that to Kam though.

  “He didn’t know, Kam. Trust me please. I know our relationship has been difficult for you to handle but he’s my friend—one of my only friends—and I don’t want it to get in between us,” I plead.

  “I don’t want that either,” he says as I rest my head on his shoulder.

  “Then don’t let it. I promise from this day on I’ll tell you everything. You’ll be my confidant. It’ll be us against the world,” I tell him, and I mean it—for him, for us, and the family we’re about to have.

  “Okay,” he says, but I can hear the skepticism, the frustration underneath his tone, and I know that Blue and I need to talk. Kam would never lay a finger on me but if he thought he was protecting me or defending me then things would be a lot different.

  “So, what is he like?” he asks. I should have known the question was coming. I just don’t know how many questions there are going to be. This is a man that wasn’t supposed to exist, questions that Kam was not supposed to ever have had to ask. Kam was supposed to be my first, my only, and it feels like everything has changed. Theoretically, everything is as it was, but in the real world everything has changed.


  “He’s…he’s different. Not someone I’d date,” I tell him, shifting my weight in bed. My body is a little less sore today, and if I was able to take more pain meds I’m sure I’d be in hardly any pain, though for the little one inside of me I’ll endure whatever pain I have to.

  Kam lets out a heavy sigh, one that has to carry so much—his anger, pain, sadness—but he hides all if it behind that sigh.

  “What was it like when you saw him? You didn’t recognize anything about him at all?” he asks, and I know what his real question is. The question is did I feel anything? Perhaps the more important question that he’s too considerate to ask is if I feel anything now.

  “It wasn’t me that Ian married. It was Alana, Kam. Their connection and history has nothing to do with me. He’s been kind and understanding considering the situation he’s been placed in, and for that I’m grateful. But that’s all,” I tell him preemptively, hoping that settles any worries or fears he has within him.

  “So he’s okay with just letting you go…her go?” he says, correcting himself at the last moment.

  We’re supposed to be telling the truth, no more lies. I gather up my courage to tell him the truth, especially at the insistent look on his face.

  “I wouldn’t say that, but it’s not up to him,” I say as confidently as I can.

  “What if she comes back?” he asks bluntly. This I don’t have an answer for.

  “I don’t think that she is, not any time soon at least, and that’s what therapy is for anyway.” I rest my head on his shoulder. He begins to rub my back, but his touch seems almost distant.