Us: A If I Break (Her) Story

by Portia Moore

  “Have you met this ‘Alana’ person?” Dad asks, picking up one of the photos and looking at it more closely.

  “I haven’t,” I say grimly.

  “Do you think Megan was able to end things with Ian?” He picks up one of Ian’s photos, and I grit my teeth, not wanting to see Ian’s damned face again, to think of Megan in bed with him.

  “I don’t know.” I look away, but that just puts the photos of Alana in my field of view.

  “You need to speak with Ian and get confirmation of that yourself,” Dad says resolutely, setting the photos down. “Worst-case scenario, you can say that you’ll make it worth his while to disappear. This guy seems young. With the right financial offer, he could start fresh, have a whole different life than what he might have thought he could aspire to.”

  I snort, shaking my head as I try not to laugh bitterly. “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I say shortly. “I can only imagine what I’d do if someone offered me a deal like that to stay away from Megan. And this Ian doesn’t look like he comes from the same kind of background that I do. I think he’d do worse.”

  “He may not feel the same way about Alana as you do about Megan,” Dad says calmly. “And Megan is pregnant with your child. Not many men want to raise someone else’s kid.” He clears his throat, looking back at the mess of photos. “I’m not trying to offend you, but can you handle being with this woman?” He gestures towards one of the photos of Alana at the club, dressed in white lingerie that makes her skin look unearthly pale, and her black hair stand out more than ever. She’s gorgeous—all legs and pushed-up breasts, a waist that I remember what it’s like to hold onto, red lips, and smoky eyes.

  It makes me angry because this isn’t my Megan. This is the kind of woman I would have lusted over with my friends at some high-end strip club. The kind of woman that my father’s politician buddies pay for a blowjob in the champagne room. The kind of woman that gives you a hard-on that just won’t quit. But not the kind of woman you marry. Not the woman you take home or fall in love with or have a family with. This isn’t Megan—because she is all of those things. She’s soft and sweet and innocent, and she’s the mother of my child. She’s not this…this fucking whore.

  I don’t want to be with the woman in the photos. I don’t want to feel anything for her, not lust and sure as hell not love. But I don’t want to lose Megan. I can’t lose her. “I could tolerate Alana, if it came down to it,” I say carefully, pushing the photo away. “But hopefully it won’t. Megan’s doctor is the best there is. She’ll solve it.”

  “Do you want me to go with you?” Dad offers. “To talk to Ian. I make deals for a living. Maybe I can encourage him to take the offer.”

  “Thanks, but no,” I tell him.

  I look at the pictures again, a long hard look, burning them into my mind and holding on to the anger that they cause because I might need it to get through this.

  “This is something I have to do alone.”

  Megan

  As irritated with her as I was at the time, I have to admit that Helen was right to bring Chris into our appointment. After our conversation, I understand that integration is the only answer, that compromising with Alana is the only thing I can do to prevent my life from being fractured and provide a good, functional life for myself and the baby. I’m going to talk to Kam about Alana tonight, no matter how hard it is. I’ve agreed to undergo hypnosis at the next appointment to try and talk with Alana and communicate with her. I’ll do whatever it takes. I’m terrified, but I know that I have to be strong and do it…it’s not just about me anymore.

  My train of thought is interrupted by a knock at the door, and I jump a little, getting up quickly and going to answer it. I have no idea who it could be. Kam has a key now, but when I open it and see that it’s Blue, I’m thrilled. I give him a huge hug, relieved to see someone that I’m actually happy to talk to.

  “Come in!” I tell him, waving him inside. As he walks in, I go to get him something to drink. “I didn’t know if you’d want to talk to me again after that meeting,” I say, smiling sadly at him. “I’m really glad that you do.”

  “I’m Ian’s family, but I’m your friend,” Blue reminds me, sitting down at the breakfast bar. “Thanks,” he says, taking the glass of water I hand him. “How are you doing?”

  “I’m doing pretty well,” I tell him. “A little nauseated and nervous about the baby, and lots of doctor’s appointments, but good, considering.”

  “Is Kam home?”

  “No, he’s in Indiana with his family. He said he had some things he needed to take care of.” I can see him visibly relax, and I wonder why he’s nervous to see Kam.

  “Kam must be pretty excited about the baby,” he says, his tone dry before taking a sip of water.

  I force a smile back onto my face, nodding. “He is,” I say, a little more hesitant now. I’ve never lied to Blue before, and I’d like to keep it that way, but if he starts asking too many questions about the baby, then I might have to. I want to ask him about Ian but I don’t want to open that door, and the reality is I’m afraid of what I might hear—and I feel guilty for wanting to know at all.

  “You look good,” I say, quickly changing the subject. “Happy.”

  “I am,” Blue flushes slightly. “Actually, I’ve sort of started dating someone.”

  I look at him, surprised and caught off guard, but happy for him. I wanted him to get past Katy’s cheating, to find someone who would really be good for him. “What’s she like?” I ask curiously.

  “She’s beautiful and smart and funny, and the sex is amazing,” Blue blurts out.

  I roll my eyes at the last part, but I can’t help being happy for him. “What’s her name?” I ask.

  “Hillary,” he says, and I look at him curiously. “Is that the girl that Ian works with?”

  “Yeah.” He can’t stop smiling; the grin on his face is stretched from ear to ear.

  I immediately feel elated.

  I remember Hillary from the day that I was in the accident, and I have to fight back the memory of what happened that day between Ian and me. I thought I had picked up on some chemistry or attraction between Ian and Hillary that day, and even as I scold myself for feeling happy that it didn’t grow into anything more, I can’t help the smile that spreads across my face. I know that I was jealous, that from the moment I walked into his house, I hated the idea of a beautiful girl being there. Selfishly, I’m happy that Ian isn’t with anyone. It’s conflicting and painful. I hate myself for feeling this way. The emotions tangle together inside of my stomach until I feel nauseous and almost like I might throw up. I shouldn’t be happy, I shouldn’t want him to be alone, but I do. I’m glad he’s not dating anyone, and I hope that he’s not sleeping with anyone. The guilt makes me sick, but I remind myself it isn’t me that feels this way. It’s Alana.

  “What’s wrong?” Blue asks, his voice alarmed, and I shake my head quickly.

  “Just some morning sickness,” I lie, sitting on one of the barstools. “Or all-day sickness, as I like to call it,” I try to joke, but it comes out weakly.

  “Should I get you something?” Blue asks nervously, and I stifle a laugh. He’s just like Kam, nervous and anxious to help as if I’m going to explode or break or something.

  “There’s 7-Up in the fridge,” I tell him, leaning my head against my hand, and he jumps up to get it.

  Once he hands it to me, he sits down again, shaking his head. “I can’t believe you’re pregnant,” he says, his eyes landing on my stomach bug-eyed. This time I do laugh.

  “I can’t believe I’m pregnant, either.” I take a sip of the soda, and then I notice something off in Blue’s expression, like he’s on edge. “What’s wrong?” I ask. “I promise I’m okay.”

  Blue hesitates and then blurts it out. “Is there a reason why anyone would think you’re lying about being pregnant?”

  I laugh at first, thinking that he’s joking, but a second look at his face tells me tha
t he’s dead serious. “Of course I wouldn’t lie about it,” I say, horrified and slightly offended. “Why would you even think that?”

  He hesitates again, looking upset that the conversation is even happening, but he pushes on anyway. “To get rid of Ian,” he says finally. “That’s the one thing that would make him let Alana go, you being pregnant with someone else’s kid.”

  I stare at him in disbelief. “I’d never do that,” I tell him firmly. “God, I didn’t even think of doing that!” I know even as the words come out of my mouth that I’m being a hypocrite because I’m not telling him the whole truth—the possibility of it being Ian’s. The one thing that would make him fight for Alana more than anything else rather than give her up. You’re doing it for his own good, I remind myself sternly. I’m almost completely sure it isn’t his baby, and to make him hold on to hope for months would be cruel, especially when it turns out to be Kam’s baby. And besides, I’ve already decided I’m marrying Kam, that we’ll raise the baby together, so why make this even harder than it has to be?

  “Ian is starting to not believe you,” Blue says quietly. I get up, my expression full of irritation. I go to the bedroom and get the ultrasound picture, walking back out and waving it in front of Blue’s face.

  “I’m not lying about being pregnant,” I tell him. “Here’s the proof. Kam and I are planning to go to the courthouse and get married before the baby is born, too. I want to be married before we start our family.”

  Blue takes the ultrasound and looks at it, and I see his expression turn sad. I know he’s thinking of Ian, and that he believes me now, that the baby is real and there’s nothing left for his cousin to hold on to. “Can I take a picture of it?” he asks quietly. “To show Ian?”

  “Yeah,” I tell him, slightly calmer now that he seems to believe me. He snaps a photo and hands me the ultrasound picture back. “You know,” he says, almost conversationally, “your brother Cal is a real fucking prick.”

  My heart pounds in my chest, so hard that it almost hurts. “Why would you say that?” I ask, the words coming out choked.

  Blue sighs. “He put the idea in Ian’s head that you were lying about being pregnant.”

  What?!

  Fury like I can’t remember ever feeling slices through me, and for a moment, I see red. I’ve never been as angry at anyone as I am at Cal right now. And confused, too—I don’t know why he would do that, what reason he would have. Why would he cause more confusion and trouble for me, knowing what this is like, how hard it is for me already? As soon as Blue leaves, I’m going to call him and give him a piece of my mind, I think furiously. But then I think of Chris, and how different he was.

  Chris said they were the same, but I feel confused by it all over again—things aren’t adding up. The man I met today at my appointment wouldn’t do this to me. He was kind and caring and protective, the kind of brother I always wished that I had. But Cal probably would. Cal’s as reckless and selfish as Alana, screwing up people’s lives for their own amusement.

  “Why would Cal call Ian?” I ask, trying to keep my voice even.

  “He didn’t,” Blue tells me. “Ian was at his house for dinner. I guess Cal’s wife and Ian are sort of friends.”

  That’s it. A new possibility occurs to me—that Lauren pressured Cal or Chris to do this, to plant that seed of doubt in Ian’s mind. I wonder how much she knows, if Helen has told her anything, if she’s mentioned the possibility of Ian being the father. I feel sick, overwhelmed, but I remind myself that I can only deal with one problem at a time. I have to keep my emotions in check, keep myself from being too stressed, or Alana could come back. And that’s the last thing I need right now.

  “After all of this, is there a way we can still be friends?” I ask Blue quietly. “Or is it all too much?”

  “I really would like to try,” Blue says, and I can hear the sincerity in his voice. I need a friend, I know I do. “What’s wrong?” he asks gently, seeing the expression on my face, and I can’t help it…the dam breaks.

  I start to pour it all out, one thing after another. Chris coming to the appointment, how I agreed to bring Alana back through hypnosis, how afraid I am. “I’m so afraid of letting her in,” I sob. “She’s stronger than I am. What if she takes over? I keep hearing from everyone that integration is this one certain thing, but I feel like it’s something else altogether. And the baby, I know she doesn’t want it…” I’m sobbing in earnest now, all of it flooding out, and Blue looks genuinely alarmed.

  “I need to tell you something,” he says slowly after I’ve stopped talking. From the look on his face, I can tell that it’s serious.

  “I knew Alana,” he says quietly. “Alana was my friend. I knew her first. Before you. Alana asked me to watch out for you. She isn’t this monster that you think she is.”

  I’m completely, utterly speechless. So many emotions wash over me—more anger, hurt…and betrayal. Tears come to my eyes as I look at him, thinking that I trusted him. I thought he was my friend, but he was hiding things from me, just like everyone else. “You lied to me,” I whisper. “You knew the whole time.” And then it hits me—he brought me back to Ian’s on purpose. He tricked me! “Kam was right!” I say, my voice steadily rising. “I was so stupid to believe that you didn’t know, but now it all makes sense! Did Ian know? Was he in on it too?” I shout, almost shrieking at him.

  “He wasn’t,” Blue insists, his voice adamant. “I swear he wasn’t. I was just trying to help, I didn’t want anyone to get hurt, and I thought… it was the only way I knew to try and make things right.”

  “Get out!” I shout at him. “Just get out of my house!”

  “I thought I was doing the right thing!” he pleads, his voice rising.

  “Leave!”

  “She’s not evil. She’s not a monster like you think. I swear she’s not.”

  I feel like I’m losing my mind. I thought he was my best friend, my only real friend outside of Kam, but the whole thing was a fucking lie—all set up by a woman who everyone wants me to trust, against my own instincts. I lunge at him, hitting his chest, shoving him backward.

  “Get out! Get out! Leave, or I’m calling the police!” I shriek at him, hitting his arms. Blue throws up his hands, backing away.

  “Okay! Okay, Megan,” he says, heading for the door. “I’m sorry. I really am.”

  I don’t even hear him go. I’m completely overwhelmed, lost in the mess of everything, and I crumple onto the floor crying. Nothing makes sense anymore. I’m second-guessing every decision I’ve made about how to handle Alana and move forward. I know now that she isn’t just some irrational wild child. She isn’t crazy, she’s smart. Smarter than I gave her credit for—methodical—and she’s a force to be reckoned with.

  It’s worse than I’d ever thought it could be.

  It takes a little while, but slowly the devastation that I feel turns into simple anger. I’m angry at everyone—Blue, Cal, Helen, and now on top of that, Lauren. No matter how much I wrack my brain, I can’t think of any reason for Cal to insinuate that I’m not pregnant, unless Lauren convinced or pressured him to because of her friendship with Ian. It feels like adding insult to injury because Lauren got everything she wanted—she got the guy, the wedding, the house, the beautiful babies. I don’t know why she’s hell-bent on ruining my small chance at happiness, but I’m sure as hell going to find out.

  Once I’ve calmed myself down enough, I call Helen. She sounds happy to hear from me, asking if anything is wrong, but I tell her no, keeping my voice calm and relaxed. “I just wanted to call Lauren and tell her congratulations about the babies,” I say casually. “It’s been two weeks. I feel like I should.”

  “Oh, of course. Hold on, I’ve got her number here.” A second later, Helen comes back on the line and reads off the number for me. I write it down, thank her, and hang up.

  When I call Lauren, she sounds delighted to hear from me, which just makes me seethe all the more. What a two-faced bitch, I t
hink, and normally I would assume that thought is from Alana, but I know that one is all me. I’m just about to start to lay into her when she quickly continues, “Can you hold on for a second, Megan? I think my client just got here.”

  “Are you back to work already?”

  She laughs. “Just for today,” she says lightly. “I’m just finalizing a few things for Ian’s showcase, that’s all.”

  That’s all I need to hear. I hang up the phone immediately, grabbing my keys and heading downstairs. I drive to her gallery in a blur, seething the whole time as I park and stride in the front door, hanging on to my anger for all its worth.

  “Hi, Megan!” Lauren says, clearly surprised but happy to see me. “It’s good to see you.” There are a few employees with her that I don’t recognize, and I clear my throat, looking at her pointedly.

  “Can we talk in private?” I ask, and Lauren nods.

  “Sure. You can come back to my office if you want.”

  “Actually, can we talk outside?”

  Lauren looks confused, but shrugs. “Sure,” she says again. “I’ll be back in just a minute, guys,” she tells the others, and follows me out to the parking lot. Once we’re outside, she looks at me, concerned. “Is everything okay, Megan?”

  I cross my arms over my chest, glaring at her. “Why did you tell Cal to try and ruin my life?” I demand angrily, and a stunned look crosses her face. She looks more confused than ever, but she’s not going to fool me. I’m going to find out what the hell is going on.

  “Cal made Ian think that I’m lying about my pregnancy,” I snap. “Ian had accepted it until Cal got into his head!”

  Lauren flinches, looking upset. “I haven’t told Cal anything,” she says cautiously, her expression anxious and confused. “I wouldn’t have asked him to lie about your pregnancy, Megan. I didn’t even know you were pregnant until Ian told me recently.”