They’d had some good times. Some very good times. But it wasn’t enough. Nowhere near. He’d been gutless and unfaithful. ‘I’m sorry, Jason. I don’t want you to love me.’
‘But we could start again. I miss you, babe. I want to come home.’ He scrubbed a hand across his face, and for a moment, she thought he was crying.
Yes, there were tears in his eyes.
None in hers. ‘What about Amy?’
Jason looked back at his cousin, shook his head, then turned to Chloe. ‘I’ve left her.’
Vaughn cursed loudly.
‘Oh. Oh, I see. With a baby on the way, too?’ She didn’t know what to make of this. How to feel. Because once upon a time, she’d wanted him to come home and beg for her forgiveness, to admit his faults and want to work harder on their relationship. She’d wanted him to declare his love for her in front of witnesses in a church. Although, in private would have done. She’d just wanted him to love her as much as she’d loved him.
She didn’t love him now, though. What she’d felt for him was nothing compared to the way Vaughn made her feel.
Which meant…
Did it?
Vaughn’s voice split the room. ‘You were complaining to everyone at football that Amy kicked you out.’
‘Ah.’ That certainly went some way to explaining things. Chloe was the fallback, the default. That indignancy she’d seen on Vaughn’s face now welded to her chest. ‘Did she find your dating profile. Searching4You? Is that why? The fact you’ve been trying—probably succeeding, although God knows how—to cheat while she’s pregnant. The fact you’ve had a dating profile for five years?’
Jason let her hand drop. ‘How do you know? Have you been checking up on me?’
‘Don’t flatter yourself. Now, I think you need to go.’
But he stayed exactly where he was. What was it with these men? No one seemed capable of budging at all. ‘Give me one more chance, Chloe. I’ll get it right. I’ll be the perfect husband. We can start again, something new. It’ll be better. We can be so much more. I’ll overlook this… Vaughn issue.’
She actually laughed. Was he serious? ‘Oh, that’s very generous of you. But I don’t want you back. I wouldn’t have you back even if you did actually turn up at a church and swear everlasting love to me in front of the bloody Queen.’
‘That’s not what you said when you begged me to come home. When you phoned me in the middle of the night—how many times?’ Jason’s tone started to turn nasty, his eyes narrowing to dark slits. ‘It started to frighten Amy. And all those texts, Chloe—’
‘Stop it. Shut up. I was hurting. You hurt me.’ Her cheeks were burning. She’d buried deep just how hard she’d tried to get Jason to see sense and come back to her. Then, how she’d just wanted an explanation. How low she’d actually been. Forgotten or pushed it aside as an embarrassing part of her life she wanted to forget. Now her humiliation was complete as Vaughn looked at her.
Pity. That’s what she saw in his eyes. Pity and other emotions fighting there too—things she couldn’t read, things she’d never ever seen before in him. Probably a huge dose of regret of ever having met her at all, and a desire to get the hell out of here as quickly as possible.
He walked over to Jason, towering above him. ‘You heard her, Jason. She doesn’t want anything from you. I think you’d better go.’
But Jason wasn’t listening; he’d written a script in his head and was repeating words he’d rehearsed. She was supposed to say yes, she assumed and run into his arms. And only a month ago, she might just have thought about agreeing to start again—before she’d discovered the dating profile, obviously—with ground rules and a lot of talking. Talking like she did with Vaughn. About things that mattered and about stuff that didn’t. About everything and nothing.
But Jason was still going on. ‘We can start again. I’ll help you run Something Borrowed. This time, we’ll make it work. And I will marry you. We could have a quiet wedding, do all the things you wanted to do. Travel. Have babies. Lots of them. Settle down—chase all those dreams you had.’
Vaughn’s voice got louder. ‘She said no, Jason.’
Jason swivelled round. ‘Was this your plan, mate? When you sat me down and convinced me not to marry her? When you told me I’d be an idiot to say I do to Chloe Cassidy? You just wanted some action with my bride?’
‘Vaughn? What the hell?’ It felt as if someone had struck her in the chest. ‘You convinced him to jilt me at the altar?’
Very slowly, Vaughn turned to her. His eyes closed briefly, then opened again as he nodded, but he didn’t scrabble around for lies. He lowered his voice, steady. ‘He said he wasn’t sure if you were the right person for him, but was going to marry you anyway. It was a hell of a lot more than second thoughts as far as I could see; it was a recipe for disaster. I didn’t think it was the right thing to do.’
‘So he didn’t want to end it?’ She wanted to hear that it was because Jason was too much of a coward to face her in the church with all those people, that he’d planned to talk to her privately but was so wracked with grief he couldn’t find words. That he’d loved her too much, that he’d had things he needed to sort out before he could commit to her, but that he would and with all his heart. Not this—not that Vaughn had made him stand her up.
Vaughn continued, still in that steady voice. ‘I told him you couldn’t live a lie and that either he called it off, or I would.’
‘So he didn’t want to end it?’ Incredulous, she looked from Vaughn to Jason, back to Vaughn. ‘But, hang on, he was sleeping with my bridesmaid.’
‘He was torn between the two of you; he said that it was possible to love two people at once. I thought that was a cop-out. Actually, it was the biggest pile of crap I ever heard.’
‘And so you told him to jilt me at the altar instead? It was your idea to make a huge fool of me in front of the guests. To get me arrested, to be in the bloody paper? A laughingstock.’
Vaughn took a few steps forward until he was standing in front of her, reaching out to her, but still clearly satisfied that he’d behaved correctly. ‘Chloe, if there could have been another way, believe me, I would have done it. It was too late to do anything else.’
She pushed him away, all the emotions from that day swimming in her heart. Loss. Disbelief. Anger. And the shocking thought that she just may love him. The one thing she really shouldn’t do. Couldn’t do. Especially now. ‘Thank you for the most humiliating day of my life.’
Vaughn tipped her chin and looked into her eyes. ‘I’m sorry it had to be me. But I’m not sorry I did it. I know it broke your heart, but you couldn’t have married him and lived a lie.’
‘But why you?’
‘Because you needed to hear the truth and I couldn’t trust anyone—particularly him—to tell that to you.’
Yes, she knew how much Vaughn believed in honesty. She could imagine him back then trying to talk sense into his cousin and then, having failed to do so, deciding that someone had to do the honourable thing.
Suddenly, it was all too much for her to think about. A cold, thick weight settled in her chest. Everything was, indeed, too complicated even by her standards. She needed some time to get her head around everything. ‘I think you both need to go.’
‘Me too?’ Vaughn stared at her, confused.
‘Yes. You, too. Just for a little while. I need some space.’ She looked right back at him, her heart breaking at the way his eyes were soft, but questioning. He was unsure—she could tell—about what the next step should be. He had no clue how to deal with this, and neither did she. She gave him a weak smile. ‘Yeah, I know. Complicated.’
‘You have to believe me, Chloe.’
‘I do believe you. I do. I know you wouldn’t have wanted to hurt me.’ She smiled a little, wishing she could feel it in her heart. Unlike Jason, Vaughn was good man. That was the problem.
‘But if it wasn’t for him, we could have got married.’
She looked up t
o see Jason watching from the doorway. ‘Geez, are you still here? Get over yourself, Jason. You were the bloody groom; you did have a choice who you slept with, actually, and how you ended it with me. You could have been kinder; you could have looked after my feelings better. You could have been bloody faithful. But you know what? I’m so tired. So tired of everything. Of fighting and trying to win, trying to get one step ahead. Trying to grasp just a little bit of happiness. Trying to work out what the hell’s going on, because my life is like quicksand at the moment. I think I get a foothold and then the next thing I know, I’m drowning. I can’t live like this. I just can’t.’
She’d just got over Jason and had started to piece her life back together. She’d devoted herself to her family and was letting them all down every single day by pretending things were okay when they really weren’t. Her mother was barely speaking to her.
But she was going to keep on working and keep on fighting because family meant everything to her. She had to keep on believing things would get better, because Evie needed to see that life was what you grabbed and held on to and fought for, and that along the way, there was such a lot of fun to be had.
And that made Chloe’s heart ache even more.
Because now it was Vaughn who was causing her heart so much trouble. So much deliciously nice trouble. He made her happy. He made her body tremble. He made everything seem just that little bit better when he was around. He made life exciting and comfortable and… yes, happy.
But.
But she couldn’t keep hoping he’d fall for her because he wouldn’t; he’d made a pact. A loyal and good, well-meaning pact with a woman he’d loved with every ounce of his being. And Chloe wanted that, wanted him to feel the same way about her.
So there it was. She couldn’t keep hanging on and eventually making another gargantuan fool of herself. She couldn’t pretend this was all just for fun when really, she was utterly and seriously affected by him. She needed to walk away intact, or as intact as she could possibly be with a shattered heart.
She knew what she had to do. And that she had to do it because she had to take some control and not be like the men who had let her down in the past. She had to face him with the truth.
She walked towards her ex, feeling much calmer with clearer vision.
‘Jason, my answer is absolutely, categorically no. I will not ever love you. Wild horses couldn’t drag me up an altar to marry you. Go back to Amy and be good to her, or I’ll tell her about the dating profile. I mean it. I’ve already written two texts and an email and then deleted them, promising myself not to get involved. But one of these days, I might just press send. She’s got my dream, yes, and she was instrumental in breaking my heart, but she deserves you to be good to her. I’ll be watching. I mean it. One hint that you’re straying and you’ll be facing the biggest alimony fight you’ve ever heard of. Oh, and maybe you could try loving just one person at a time? If you’re even capable of loving anyone at all.’
Jason stared at his feet and huffed out a long breath. When he eventually lifted his head and looked at her, he seemed calmer, diminished a little. Resigned. ‘I fucked up, Chlo. I’m sorry. I get the message. I won’t be back.’
‘Okay. Good.’ That was one thing dealt with, a life-door closed and feelings compartmentalised.
Vaughn stepped towards the door. ‘I’ll give you that space, Chloe.’
Jason nodded. ‘Lots of space.’
She almost laughed; got to admit the man was a trier.
Vaughn didn’t even look at his cousin or acknowledge he was in the room.
Chloe looked at Vaughn, and her heart broke because there was no compartmentalising her feelings for him. He was kind, generous, and forgiving. He’d danced with her exactly when she’d needed him to. He’d given her a job because she needed the cash. He fed her at every available opportunity—and who wouldn’t love a man like that? He gave her more pleasure than anything. She could fall deeply in love him very easily. Too easily.
A little more time with that smile and that deep laugh, a little more lovemaking, and she was at serious of risk of breaking their rules. Had already, really. Because he made her feel confident about what she could do. He helped formulate her dreams. He encouraged her. He accepted her. There were no complaints, no whining, no insistence that she give him all her attention.
And then there was the dream fulfilment… food-porn dreams, kitchen-counter sex.
Tender kisses.
Everything, everything he did made her happy.
Her heart started to beat too fast as reality bit hard; she did love him.
She loved Vaughn Bloody Brooks.
Loved him with every piece of herself. She’d known it could happen and hadn’t been able to stop. And that was the problem.
Swallowing hard, she centred herself to say possibly the most important, most ridiculous, and possibly most stupid thing ever. Because when he heard this, he’d be gone. If she kept quiet and kidded herself and lied to him, he might stay, but it would be under false pretences, and she wasn’t going to be someone she wasn’t; he’d taught her that much.
Be true to yourself. ‘Okay, before you go, hear me out. I like you, Vaughn, probably a lot more than I should. More than you want me to, and I don’t know what to do about that.’
There was a deep furrow on his forehead. ‘But you said—’
‘I know what I said. I know I was all bravado and just up for the fun of it. But I think I’m dangerously falling for you. I think… I know that you’re the kindest, most beautiful, sincere, funniest, sexiest man I’ve ever met. I think I might already be a bit in love with you, and I’m certainly at risk of that just getting deeper and deeper. I mean a real love. The once-in-a-lifetime thing. The thing that everyone wants and few find.’ She hauled in air. ‘And it surprisingly hurts more than I ever thought it would. I didn’t plan it. It just sort of crept up on me. You just sort of grew on me. And I don’t think I should go on pretending it’s all fun when my heart is exploding every time I see you; it’s not fair on either of us. And I know you can’t love me back. I know you can’t ever love anyone like Bella—’
He blinked at the Lost Love’s name.
Chloe couldn’t stop now, though. ‘And you know, the worse thing about that? That’s why I like you. You’re good on your word. You’re capable of falling so deeply in love that you’d do anything to preserve it and to honour it. You had a beautiful, amazing woman and you lost her, but she was so lucky because she had you. I can’t ever be Bella. I don’t want to be. I want you to love me for being Chloe, and I understand you can’t do that. I don’t like it. I don’t want it. But I do understand. I’m sorry.’
He was so pale she thought he was going to be sick. His eyes had hollowed; dark shadows gave way to sunken cheeks. Her proclaiming everlasting love was clearly the worse thing that could ever happen to him.
And her.
She waited for a reaction. For him to say or do something. Anything. But he didn’t. He looked like a deer caught in headlights. He looked terrified. He didn’t walk to her and clutch her to his chest and profess undying love for her. He didn’t kneel at her feet and ask for her heart. He just kept standing there. And the longer he stood and did nothing, the more it was like a hammer into her heart, each second bringing home the message that he did not want her the way she wanted him.
The weight in her chest intensified, forcing her to fight for air. She breathed in stuttered breaths that sounded like sobs.
It wasn’t until she felt the tears on her cheeks that she realised they were sobs, that her chest was heaving. That she was losing him. That complicated didn’t come close to how things were in her head, and in her heart. That by being honest about her feelings, she was pushing him away.
‘I’m so sorry, Vaughn.’
He nodded, staring at her, still mute. Still pale. Then he turned around and closed the door as he left. Taking all hope, and much of her heart, with him.
‘Bloody, stupid cow. Stup
id. Stupid. Stupid.’ She’d watched him walk away and done nothing. Said nothing. But what could she have done to make it better?
Since he’d left, she’d been staring at the walls for hours, trying to make sense of the very bizarre scenario that had just played out. She’d lost the two men she’d ever loved. Three if she counted her dad.
Was it her? Was it something in her that made men not want to love her?
Of course it wasn’t. And it wasn’t the curse, either. It was just a stupid coincidence that none of the women in her family had been successful in their love lives. But that didn’t mean they wouldn’t be, that they couldn’t be happy on their own.
Yes. That’s what she was going to be—on her own. And try to be happy, if and when her heart healed. That much she was determined to believe. Chloe hauled herself from the sofa, threw the damp cushion to the floor and decided it was time for bed. She had a busy day tomorrow, although how the hell she’d face Vaughn at work she didn’t know.
Maybe she’d phone in sick. Or suggest a different working day. Whatever. She’d deal with that in the morning. Her feet felt like lead as she shuffled towards her bedroom, turning back once to switch the lounge light out.
On the table, under the window, her laptop light blinked, the lid still open.
What had she been doing before Vaughn appeared?
The quote.
Damn and blast.
Damn and bloody blast. She ran her fingers over the keypad, bringing the computer back to life. She found her document, and through the blur of her tears, she pressed Send.
Life would go on. Less vivid as it had been. Just less.
But at least she had her business. And she’d sent the quote before the hurried deadline. At least that was one good thing she achieved today.
Now she was going to climb into bed and hibernate. Possibly forever.
Something Borrowed Page 25
