by Kira Adams
I guess I can understand wanting the world to stop for a few seconds. “You can stay in the guest bedroom, I’ll move to the couch.”
Keifer stares back at me like I have two heads. “I’m not going to run you out of the bedroom you’ve been sleeping in. The couch is fine by me. Plus, it’s only a couple of days.”
The couch isn’t terrible in the least—it’s large and comfy. I shrug, giving in.
“Have you packed yet?”
“Started. I won’t be able to finish until the day of, but I’m just hoping I don’t forget anything. I’m still unsure what the plan is.”
“Are you sure you are going to be okay?” he asks, worry taking over his face.
My eyebrows furrow. “Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”
“Have you ever traveled internationally alone before? It’s kind of intimidating. I mean, I’ve only gotten the hang of it because I travel non-stop.”
I’ve heard it before, women aren’t supposed to travel alone. But I am alone, and things are never going to be the way they used to…so it’s time to adjust. “I’m sure it will be fine. I have enough common sense to take care of myself.”
“What are you going to do there?” he asks curiously.
I sigh, taking a drink of my water. “Hopefully figure out how to live again.”
“No!” I scream, my body jolting upwards. Hair is pinned to my forehead from sweat, and the room is spinning. My stomach feels like someone is squeezing it mercilessly and I’m fighting for breath. A knock on the bedroom door startles me, making me jump closer to the wall.
“Tobin? Are you okay? I heard screaming.” Keifer’s voice carries through the small slit under the door.
Embarrassed, I wipe the sweat from my forehead, sure my appearance looks just wonderful. I take a few deep breaths before jumping off the bed and heading for the door. I only crack it because I’m not wearing a bra. Keifer’s tired face is peeking back at me.
“Sorry. The doctor said it’s not uncommon to have nightmares following a tragedy…they just never mentioned how real the memories would be.”
Keifer’s face falls and I immediately feel guilt for saying anything. He scratches the back of his scalp uncomfortably, seemingly trying to figure out what to say next.
“I’ll be fine. Get some sleep.” Shutting my door, my back presses up against it, and I slide down to the ground in a heap. I don’t know how many more times I can wake up without them here. It’s soul crushing. Why did I have to live? Why did they have to die? It’s all too much for me. Before I even know what is happening, I’m lost in a mess of my own tears.
Before – Fifteen Years Together
“I just don’t understand what she has to do with our relationship, no offense.” Finn looks at me unapologetically. “I mean, I know she’s your mom, don’t get me wrong…but I didn’t sign up to be with your mother, I signed up to be with you.”
I sigh, unsure what the right response is. My mother has been meddling more than normal, lately, and it’s been grating on both our nerves. “I don’t know what to tell her.”
“You tell her that we are happy here. Easten is finally settled…we don’t want to do anything that might disrupt that.” He is always so eloquent with his words. It’s why it’s difficult to stay mad at him at times.
I shrug. “I know you’re right, but she’s my mom. You know how difficult she is to please.”
Finn laughs. “I think we all do…but at the end of the day, we need to do what is right for our family and not for your mother.”
Caving, I nod. “This is why I let you make all the tough decisions. I’m not good at it.”
Finn pulls me into him, wrapping me in his familiar embrace. “That’s not true. We make them together.” He kisses the top of my head, then. “There will be other job opportunities—ones that make more sense and align with our life, now. There’s no reason to be rash with these decisions when we have all the time in the world to figure this stuff out.”
He’s right. Finn is always right. It’s why I married him. I need someone like him in my life. He’s my own moral compass—keeping me in check when I need the guidance.
“Okay, well that’s settled. I’ll tell my mom tomorrow and the school on Monday.” There was a small part of me that longed for the excitement of a new position, but Finn is right. I love my job, I adore my students, and now is not the best time to switch things up…especially when it comes to Easten.
Finn kisses me on the lips, quickly. “Let’s go do something fun today. It’s been awhile since we’ve done anything fun as a family. What do you think about taking a drive to the beach?”
I can’t help the smile that spreads across my lips. The beach has always been so calming to me. I love going to all the cute little shops and eating world famous clam chowder and even feeding the birds. It really brings back my childhood. “Oh, but what about Easten?” She spent the night at a friend’s house last night and isn’t expected home until the late afternoon.
“Well, why don’t you call Breanna’s parents and explain the situation? It doesn’t hurt to ask, maybe we can take Breanna and Easten with us?”
I’m shaking my head in agreeance before I even realize it. “That is a really good idea, and you sir are an amazing father, you know that?”
He shrugs, wiping faux dust off his shoulder like the Jay-Z song. “The thought also crossed my mind that we should call Breanna’s parents and ask for an extension so that we could spend the night at the beach alone. We haven’t had any private time away from home in forever. Does that make me a bad parent?”
I chuckle. “Not at all. It makes you human.”
Grow Through What You Go Through
Things have not been good for me since my latest nightmare. In fact, they have only grown exponentially worse. At this point, I’m unsure I can board that plane tomorrow. There is so much guilt swirling inside of me. I’m lost in a depression I can’t find my way out of.
Keifer has been as helpful as he can, checking on me when I don’t emerge from the bedroom for hours. I feel like a zombie. Before, I was excited deep down inside my core, to go to Thailand. Now I feel numb. It’s not fair for me to seek happiness. It’s still too early.
“Tobin?” I hear another knock on the bedroom door. It’s four o’clock in the afternoon and I haven’t emerged from my room once today. “Grace is here, she’s been worried about you.”
Even though I can’t face my trip, I can always face her. Plus, when I see her, I catch glimpses of Finn in her eyes. For the first time in what feels like days, I brush my teeth and hair and actually get dressed. It’s nothing special, just one of Finn’s old Red Sox t-shirts and a pair of shorts. When I emerge, they look relieved. I feel bad that they have been worried about me. I feel bad that I’m a burden on anyone.
Grace’s big eyes cast over me again and again as if I’m a fragile piece of something already broken. She wraps her arms around me and immediately I begin sobbing. “Oh, Tobin,” she says, her voice cracking, and then her grip tightens around me. When she finally releases me, both of our faces are red and puffy. My eyes are so swollen from crying that I can’t even hide it with makeup anymore. I just look worn out.
Glancing around, I notice that Keifer is nowhere to be seen. “Where did he go?”
Grace rubs my shoulder soothingly. “He just went to get us some food. I don’t think any of us are in the mood to cook tonight,” she says in a light-hearted way. Her eyes refocus on me. “What’s going on, Tobin? Keifer said you haven’t been leaving your bedroom and that he’s worried you might miss your trip to Thailand.”
On one hand I’m a little bit irritated that he’s getting involved in my life, but on the other hand it shows that there is a heart inside that tough exterior. “I don’t think I can go.”
Grace stares back at me incredulously. “What happened to the girl who was sitting at my kitchen table and telling me she wanted to travel to Thailand? The girl who wanted to see where the wind took her? Where did she
go?”
I take in a shaky breath. “That girl was pretending that for those five minutes she wasn’t crashing and burning. That girl was pretending that she was whole.”
“What scares you about going?” she asks simply.
Racking my brain, I can think of a few things. “Forgetting them. Celebrating anything when I feel this kind of despair. Being happy when they are…gone.”
Her eyes tear up again as she looks back at me with sympathy. “Tobin, no one can tell you when the right time is to move on. Moving on with your life doesn’t mean forgetting. It means pulling yourself up by your boot straps and chasing fear, even though it’s terrifying.”
I can’t help but gape back at her. “You sound like Finn.”
Grace’s eyes are brimming with tears. “That’s because it is Finn. I got a package in the mail the other day from him.”
I feel like I’ve had the wind knocked out of me. “What?” I’m choking on my surprise.
She nods, the tears streaming down her face. “It was something he set up with his will in case anything ever happened to him. It was just a letter from him to his mother, but it was the best surprise I’ve ever gotten. To hear from him one last time…I don’t even have words for it.”
“Can I see the letter?” My heart beat begins to pick up speed.
“Did you not receive yours yet?” Grace asks.
Suddenly, I can’t sit still. I hop up to my feet and go running to the front door. Ripping it open, I’m kissed by the wind.
I hurriedly make my way to the mailbox. Tearing it open, it’s filled with the past days’ letters, advertisements, and postcards. I sift through them as quickly as I can, searching for the handwriting I know to be his. When I find it, I drop all the other mail to the ground and rush to open it.
I’m trembling as the envelope falls to the ground on top of the other pieces of mail. The letter is two full pages, handwritten. I can feel him just from the print.
June 24th , 2013
My dearest Tobin,
If you are receiving this letter it means that my life ended sooner than I thought it would. I thought we’d have many more years together. I am writing this letter for my future self and for your future self because I know when the time comes, it will be needed.
There aren’t many things in my life I’ve done right, but one thing I can say is marrying you was the best decision I ever made. You are my other half, and I don’t know how I made it so far without you.
Right now, I’m staring out the window of our beach house and I can see you and Easten building sandcastles. I want to remember you this happy, forever. Please don’t let the darkness creep in.
Please remember that even if I am gone, it doesn’t mean my love isn’t here. It’s always here, surrounding you, inside of you. It’s inside of Easten and those big, curious, blue eyes. Look for me there.
Remind Easten how much her daddy loves her and wishes he could be with you guys, but encourage her to remain positive. Positivity is the only thing that will get her through this.
Life isn’t going to be a cakewalk, but remember that everyone must learn how to walk before running. You were a sprinter, but you’re going to have to learn how to train for that again.
Remember that it’s just one foot in front of the other until you can’t see the past so clearly anymore, until the pain subsides enough for you to be able to smile again, laugh. This isn’t a race, and you don’t have anything to prove to anyone. Go at your own pace.
Being a single mother isn’t going to be ideal, but you’re Superwoman, remember? You can do anything you put your mind to. Plus, that little girl is looking to you to get her through this. You can do it. Stay strong and remember it’s always okay to cry a little.
Whatever circumstance led us here to this very moment, remember that I would not have changed one single thing. The glass is going to be half empty for quite some time, but eventually it will be half full again. Don’t give up. Never give up.
Remember who you are, at your core. Remember what you’re passionate about. Travel, live, and love. Go everywhere we ever talked about wanting to go, go everywhere you never dreamed. Live the life you’ve always imagined, live the life you deserve. Love with your whole heart. It’s not going to be easy, but you are going to have to learn how to open your heart to someone again. I promise it will be worth it.
Show Easten that while tough, life can be worthwhile. Give her the future we always dreamed of. Be as strict as you need to be, but loosen the reigns when you feel comfortable. Remember you don’t have to be a slave driver. Vet EVERY guy that gets close to her. Make sure they know who she is, in her core. Make sure they love her.
You are the glue that holds our ship together, so never forget that you have that inside you. You are stronger than you realize. You’re my best friend, Tobin, and I couldn’t have asked for a better life. A better wife. A better daughter. I love you and Easten so very much. Never forget that.
With all my love,
Finn
It takes me a little time to get it together and walk back inside the house. I feel like a burden has been lifted off my chest and I’m starting to remember that he’s right. I am strong.
Keifer returned about ten minutes ago with the food and he’s already seated next to Grace at the table. The food is already dished up. It’s spaghetti with meatballs and lasagna. He even managed to get fresh baked Italian bread. It smells amazing. I fold the letter back up, gingerly, placing it on the table beside me and then take a seat.
I can feel their eyes burning into my skull. “I’m okay.” Breathing in deeply, my focus lands on each one of them separately, before back to the food in front of me. Finn’s words have helped me to refocus, and things don’t feel as heavy anymore.
“So, I had this crazy idea,” Keifer says. “What if I came to Thailand with you?”
“That is an absolutely wonderful idea!” Grace claps her hands excitedly.
“What? Why?” I stare back at him puzzled. He’s been surprising me a lot lately and I’m unsure how to feel about that.
His eyes dance between Grace and me. “No, it’s not because we are worried about you, but I was thinking that it might be cool to do something with you facing a lot of your fears. Shifting the focus from me to you, with my channel. Maybe you could earn a few bucks along the way, too.”
What he’s proposing should seem ludicrous to me, but I feel a trickle of adrenaline running down my spine. Jumping on that plane to New York felt exciting and unknown to me. Even booking my own ticket to Thailand was an impulse buy. Maybe I could actually do some good with this. I’ve been trying to come up with ways to incorporate Finn’s little ‘isms’ into my everyday life, and maybe this could be just the way to do it.
“Okay,” I say slowly, drawing out the word. “I’m in on one condition.”
They both stare back at me, entranced.
“Every video filmed needs to be in honor of Finn and Easten.”
Keifer looks unfazed. “I’ll take that a step further. For every view we get, we’ll donate ten cents toward a charity of your choosing.”
“Then you have a deal.” I can’t believe I’m doing this. Did I just agree to what I think I did?
Before – The Last Day
“Easten, you ready to go, sweetie?” I ask, as I put on my jacket. It’s an unusually cold summer this year and even though it’s June, it hasn’t exceeded the mid-50’s yet.
Finn is already in the car, putting our suitcases in the trunk and starting it. Easten shuffles past me hurriedly pulling her shoes on. “Did you call Grandma?” she asks me.
I shake my head at her with a small smile. “No. It’s going to be a surprise. She’s going to be so happy to see you.” I’ll be excited myself, to get out of this cool weather.
Easten smiles her big, toothy smile. She lost one of her front teeth the other day and was so sad about it. I don’t know what it is about kids these days, but she couldn’t stop looking at it in the mirror or ru
nning her tongue over it. When I was her age, I cared about climbing trees and coloring, not about my appearance. I’m pretty sure I wore Mickey Mouse sweatshirts. She’s so much more stylish than me and already has to worry about what other kids will think about her. I can’t even imagine that kind of pressure. “I can’t wait to lay in front of Grandma’s furnace.”
I laugh, lifting my purse off the table. My mother has this house in Independence, Oregon now, and there is a furnace right inside of the living room. When the grandkids visit, their favorite thing to do is take naps in front of it while it’s on. The heat blows right onto their small bodies. I don’t blame them. I’ve laid on the ground myself a few times and instantly understood the appeal. “Go get into the car, Easten. We have to get on the road.”
“Will Aunt T and Uncle Doug be there?” she asks me, before opening the front door.
I nod. “But remember, it’s a surprise.”
She bobs her head in understanding and then her brown hair and small frame are out of eyesight. Glancing around our kitchen one last time, I make a mental checklist of everything we have done to prepare, making sure we aren’t forgetting anything. Somehow it never works. One time I forgot my bathing suit when Finn and I were going to Hawaii. Another time I forgot Easten’s diaper bag when she was just a baby. Giggling internally, I turn off the lights and lock the door.
I’m excited to see my mother, step-father, and Torrie. It’s been a few weeks since I last saw Torrie, but my mother has been traveling a lot with Troy this year, so it’s been rare to catch them. We’ve dubbed them jet-setters. In a way, I’m jealous. They’ve been to a lot of places in a short amount of time. Some people only dream to do something like that. Of course, they both worked hard throughout their lives and deserve this.
