by Kira Adams
A wave of nausea runs through me and I grip my stomach. I have not been feeling well for a while. I know deep down inside there is a possibility I’m pregnant, but I’ve been so busy I haven’t allowed myself the time to make the world stop and just take a test. I know Finn has been urging me for days now. It’s definitely on my to-do list. Honestly, I feel torn. On one hand, Easten is five, and originally, we wanted her to have another sibling by the time she was three. Unfortunately, fate wouldn’t allow it, but she’s only getting older. She’s going to be six in a few short months, and if we don’t hurry up her sibling is going to have nothing in common with her. But we have so much on our plate already, the idea of adding anything else is overwhelming, to say the least.
Climbing into the car, Finn is sitting back in the driver’s seat and listening to Mad World from the Donnie Darko soundtrack. Easten has never seen the movie, yet she knows every word. Just like she knows every word to Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen. Music has always been something they share. He was so excited when Easten told us she wanted to take music lessons. Neither one of us knew anything about the clarinet, but it didn’t matter. She is growing into who she wants to be. We are going to encourage that, nurture it, and support it. No matter what that ends up being, because that is our duty as parents.
I’m groggy from sleeping, and as my eyes adjust to the dark surroundings, I wonder how long I’ve been out. Rubbing my eyes tenderly, I glance up at Finn, who’s eyes are on the road. “Where are we?”
“We’re in Oregon.”
“How much longer do we have to go?” It feels like we have been in the car for a long time, based off my cramped body.
“I think we have about 147 more miles to go.”
“That’s actually not that bad,” I reply surprised. Glancing back to the backseat, Easten is clearly still fast asleep. She looks so peaceful and carefree. What it would be like to be her age again.
Smiling, I shift back, facing forward. Suddenly there are headlights that seem to be directly in front of us. Sitting up straighter, I try to get a better look. “Finn, what is that?”
He shifts his eyes between me and the road, but I can feel the tension in the air. “I don’t know. It looks like a car.”
“Finn, it’s going really fast, is it going to hit us?” My voice is raising in pitch, and my head is swiveling back and forth between my sleeping baby and my husband.
“Dude!” Finn says, his voice trembling. He’s now laying on the horn and Easten has woken up.
“Mom?” she asks in a small voice.
“Hang on, baby.”
Finn swerves the car in an attempt to not collide with the vehicle barreling towards us, but each time he turns the wheel, the car playing chicken with us jerks the same direction. I’m positive we are going to crash. Turning around to face Easten, I grab her small hand in mine. “Baby, when Mommy tells you put your hands in front—” I don’t get a chance to finish, when I feel the impact. “Finn!” I scream terrified before feeling the car launching into the air. It’s in this moment that I realize we probably won’t make it out of this and that this may be the last thing we ever do.
Memories from when Easten was just a toddler begin to cloud my vision. Her laughing, playing. Her happiness is infectious. When the car meets the ground, everything stops.
Big Journeys Begin with Small Steps
We landed in Thailand a mere two hours ago and already Keifer has made sure I have a drink in hand. “What are we cheering to?”
He shrugs. “Finn and Easten and life.”
“Simple. I like it.” We both quickly down the shots in front of us and I shake my head furiously back and forth, hoping the bitter taste subsides.
“So, besides the hotel…where to first?” I ask.
He stares back at me amused. “Uh-uh. This is your trip, I’m just along for the ride.”
“What? But didn’t you say you wanted to film some stuff?”
He nods. “Yeah, and we will, but this was your trip I barged my way onto. I want to make sure you get to do everything you want. Of course, if you’d like my advice, I can definitely suggest some different spots I’ve been to and enjoyed.”
“I heard about this place called Elephant Nature Park in Chiang Mai, I’d love to volunteer at.”
Keifer smiles widely. “Been there, done that. I can definitely get you in. What else?”
“I’ve also heard about a place in Chiang Mai where you can play with tigers.”
His amusement is growing. “Should we add monkeys to the list while we’re at it?”
“You can play with monkeys, too? Seriously, Thailand is amazing.”
He shakes his head, laughing at me. “Okay, let’s try this instead…obviously, we are in Bangkok and probably will be for the next few days, so let’s start small. I’m taking you to Flow House.”
“What’s Flow House?” Even though I am allowing him to take the lead, I’m not sure how well I handle surprises anymore.
“It’s really cool, but don’t ruin it. Just trust me, okay?”
I mean, at this point, I think it’s obvious I pretty much do. I wouldn’t have let him tag along on this trip if I didn’t. And even though this trip was needed to get away from home and out of my head for a bit, I’m relieved he’s here with me. The plane ride was no cake walk and honestly, I feel safer with him here. “I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but I will.”
Keifer chuckles before slamming the palm of his hand on the bar. “After you.”
It takes us about an hour to get a taxi and make it out to the mysterious venue. Unfortunately, when we get there it appears to be closed for renovations.
“Dude,” I say exasperated. “You didn’t even check to see if it was open?”
He shrugs. “I’ve been here so many times I’ve lost count. I didn’t think there was even a possibility of something like that.”
“Well, what now?” We have now been in the taxi for over an hour, and the meter is only racking up.
Damn Keifer and his mischievous looks. Tapping the driver on the shoulder, he quickly throws a stack of Thai money at him and then opens his door.
Glancing around, I’m confused why we are exiting the vehicle when we still don’t know where we are going. “What are you doing?” I call out the window at him.
He peeks his head back in, smirking. “Get out of the car, Tobin.”
“Where are we going?” Even though my legs follow his instructions with no hesitation, I can’t control my mouth.
Once the taxi has taken off, Keifer starts walking in the opposite direction.
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” I say under my breath. Apparently, not as quiet as I thought because he spins around facing me.
“Do you have something to say, Tobin?” Why does he always look so damn amused when it comes to me? It’s like he enjoys messing with me.
“Where the hell are we going? Why did you send the taxi away? How far are you going to make me walk?”
He stares back at me, smiling, with that damn handsome smile. It’s so irritating. “You’re not very good at just going with the flow, huh?”
I huff. “I’m flexible.”
“Oh, really?” he tests me. “Do me a favor, stick your thumb out like this.” He gives me an example by doing it with his own hand.
“Are you kidding? You want me to try to get someone to pull over, so we can hitchhike?” He can’t be serious.
“Oh, come on, Tobin. Live a little. Isn’t that what this trip is all about?” He pulls his camera out from his backpack and removes the lens cover.
“You’re really going to film right now?” I’m annoyed as I hold up my hand to block the lens.
“What should this episode be called? You’re obviously afraid to hitchhike, so what ‘Finnism’ correlates?”
Even though I’m irritated, this is what I signed up for. Begrudgingly, I answer, “There is no quit in win.”
He stares at me confused for a moment before breaking out into an
even larger grin. “I like that.” Powering on his camera, he turns it on me. “It is Thursday, October 11th, 2017, and I’m here in Bangkok with Tobin Price, who is going to be assisting me while here in Thailand. Today, we are attempting to hitchhike since we used the last of our cash in a taxi headed to Flow House, which just so happened to be closed for renovations. Seeing as this is Tobin’s first time in the country, she’s excited for the adventures that await us. Right, Tobin?”
I feel a little exposed with the camera pointed right in my face. I don’t know how he does it all the time. Without bothering to answer him, my hand shoots out towards the road, hoping that someone will take pity on us poor fools.
It’s only a few minutes before someone pulls over and asks where we need to go. Keifer takes over without hesitation. “We are going to Sea Life Ocean World. Can you take us as far as you can?”
I have no idea what Sea Life is, but I agreed to let Keifer take the reins, so I’ll assume that’s for him to worry about.
It’s about twenty minutes before we are dropped off in front of what looks to be a supersized aquarium. “What are we doing here?” I ask curiously.
He raises his eyebrows animatedly. “If I tell you, you’ll probably want to back out. I think we should keep it a surprise until the last possible second.”
My heart rate begins steadily increasing as my mind races, wondering what he may have in store for me.
Again, he turns the camera on me. “Do you have to do that? What if I filmed and you continue to be the star?”
He chuckles. “Nobody really likes watching me. They just like seeing the stupid shit I do. A pretty face on my videos for a bit won’t be a huge issue.”
My stomach dips when the word pretty leaves his lips, but I do my best to ignore it.
“Oh, hell no! You’re out of your mind.” It doesn’t take much to rattle my cage about going through with this crazy plan of his.
He stares back at me. “When will you ever get this chance again?”
“To swim with sharks? Never. And that’s how it should be. Humans and sharks should not interact.” I can already feel the temperature in my body rise.
“Okay, I don’t know how many more pep talks I can give you…but you need to buck up or get out. You came here to face your fears, to live for Finn and Easten. If you don’t take risks, you can’t reap the reward.” He’s starting to sound like Finn, and he’s not the only person these days. It’s amazing how much I miss him with every fiber of my being and yet I can feel him everywhere.
“You’re right,” I mutter under my breath.
“What? You’re in?” he asks, again focusing the camera back on me.
“I’m doing it for them.” He knows if he waits any longer, I could change my mind, so instead he gets me inside and to the changing area as quickly as possible. He says he’s swam with sharks a few times, but he is going to sit this one out so he can get something on film for me and this episode. We decide to name it ‘Reaping the Rewards of Your Risks’. It seems fitting.
After a small safety briefing I’m feeling strangely confident. Before coming into this, I was terrified of the idea of swimming with sharks, but knowing that the sharks I’m going to be in the water with today are leopard, blacktip reef, and sand sharks, I’m a little more at ease. Of course, they still have a mouthful of jagged teeth that could rip me apart, I know that there are other species of sharks that are much more predatory. Most of these guys just want to be left alone.
When I am finally in the water, there is so much more than just the three kinds. There are all different kinds of rays–eagle rays and round ribbontail rays. It’s an experience that is one of a kind, that’s for sure. I can see Keifer on the outside of the glass, trying to catch everything on film. There’s a moment one of the sand sharks comes right next to me and my stomach clenches with anxiety. It swims right past without bothering me.
I don’t know what Keifer will be able to come up with next, but I doubt anything will be able to top this experience. After nearly thirty minutes under water, it’s done and I’m changing back into my regular clothes. It’s strange to think that I was terrified to do this less than an hour ago and then after being in the water, I didn’t want to get out.
“So, how was it?” Keifer asks, eyeing me curiously.
“That was amazing. I swam with sharks! And rays and eels. It was better than I could have ever expected. Thank you for forcing me to do that, seriously.”
He chuckles. “That’s what I’m here for–to push you out of your comfort zone. That’s where all the fun happens anyway.”
I can’t believe I’m about to admit this, but having Keifer here has been fun. Nothing has felt forced or uncomfortable and the adrenaline has been positive and uplifting for me. I can’t wait to see what else he has in store for me.
The Best View Comes After the Hardest Climb
We spent three full days in Bangkok really exploring the city, the culture, and the food. I can say that hands down nothing beats Thai food for me. I feel like I was born Thai in another life with how much I love it. I’m never tired of curry or Pad Thai. I could eat this kind of food for the rest of my life and be content. There are just so many choices.
We are finally in Chiang Mai, and I’m so beyond excited. Swimming with the sharks was incredible, but tigers, monkeys, and elephants, oh my! I don’t even know where to start. Thankfully, Keifer took over this part of the trip, too, and scheduled all the experiences, so I get to just sit back and immerse myself in whatever he has planned. I should really thank Grace for urging me to allow him to tag along, it’s been a lot more enjoyable than I could have ever imagined. For the first time in months, there are a few seconds of the day where I forget. Not them, but the pain. The sorrow. This trip was needed.
“You okay?” Keifer asks, a concerned look taking over his face. “What are you thinking about?”
I glance at him and then up at the blue sky. “I can’t believe I’m having such a good time.”
“Hey, what are you saying?” he acts offended, but there is a playfulness behind his dark brown eyes.
“Well, we didn’t really get off to the best start. By the way, what ever happened to Cheyenne? That’s her name, right?”
Keifer’s eyes narrow. “She was just a fan.”
My mouth drops open in surprise. “Do you always treat all your fans to lip service? You know what, never mind, I don’t want to know.”
There he goes again, looking amused. “I scheduled you for a full day at the Elephant Nature Park. You are going to be volunteering, scooping poop, feeding, bathing, and more. I think I’m going to go meet up with a friend.”
It’s difficult to take him at face value. We are in a foreign country, and while he is a well-known YouTube star, it’s hardly believable. “Where is your friend?”
“Lampang. I won’t be gone long. I’ll be back by tomorrow morning. Don’t worry, we have another full day of adventures to get into tomorrow. I won’t miss much.”
“You don’t want to experience this?” I ask, dumbfounded.
“I already have.” Of course, he has. What hasn’t he done?
I sigh, defeated. This was supposed to be my trip and suddenly I’m bothered with being alone. Maybe the time will be good for me. “What about the episode?”
“I think this one can be more of a real-life experience. Feel free to Snapchat or Instagram it though and we can always do some magic with splicing those together into something.”
This is going to be for me and I’m going to document it accordingly.
Elephant Nature Park changed my life, plain and simple. You never really understand what these gentle creatures have been put through, especially in the Southeast Asian Tourist industry. Most, if not all, have been terribly abused and overworked in their past. Elephant Nature Park truly is a sanctuary, and the owners are the most selfless people I have ever met. One day was just not enough, so I ended up spending an entire week there. Keifer joined me about halfway through
and we learned about so many of the different elephants.
It’s incredible to think that those huge creatures spend 80% of their life eating and consume over 300 pounds of vegetation a day. Those numbers seem mind blowing. It makes me wonder if I could ever switch to a plant-based diet. I’ve never thought about it before, but the time there was eye-opening.
A friend of Keifer’s, Kieu, the same one he went to see in Lampang, has since joined us and will be tagging along to the Tiger sanctuary. She’s half Vietnamese and half Filipino, and naturally beautiful. The chemistry between the two of them is undeniable. I asked Keifer if they had a past of some sort and he casually brushed the question off. I guess I can’t fault him for wanting to get some while in a foreign country. He’s single and allowed to do whatever he wants.
My mind wanders to Finn, wondering when my heart will be ready to move on. When I won’t feel guilty for feeling happy again. It’s a bittersweet thought. I know the day will come eventually, I just hope I’m prepared for it.
“Are you ready for the tigers?” Kieu asks me from the backseat of the taxi. They let me have the front seat, and I didn’t argue.
“Oh, yeah. Have you been here before, too?” It wouldn’t surprise me given the fact that she lives in Lampang. I would make it a point to come to all these amazing places, too, if I lived closer.
She shakes her head. “Not this one. I went to one in the Philippines, years ago.”
Her English is impressive. She has an accent, but it’s not difficult to understand her. “Have you lived overseas your entire life?”
She shakes her head. “My dad was in the military, so we moved around a lot. I’ve moved over thirty times and lived in over nineteen different places.”
“Oh my God.” I can’t help my reaction. Moving that many times sounds like absolute torture. She must sense my disappointment for her because she continues.
