The Life I Never Asked For

by Kira Adams

  “What about the donations to charity?” I ask.

  He smiles widely. “We have a check for $10,000 already made out to The American Cancer Society. You are going to have to decide who’s next.”

  “Ten thousand dollars?” I’m shocked our silly episode racked up so many views in so little time. That means we have had over 100,000 views on the shark episode. I wonder what the tarantula one will bring. I know I shouldn’t be too surprised, Keifer was an influencer long before I came into the picture.

  “You know, Tobin, I’ve been thinking,” he is speaking in a lower voice, one I assume is his attempt to keep me calm.

  “What?” I ask in utter anticipation.

  “It’s been real, and it’s been fun, but it’s time to go home.”

  I don’t know what I was expecting…but that was not it.

  “What?”

  “I think you’ve done an amazing job over the last month, but it’s time for you to get back to your regular life. Get back to teaching.”

  “How do you know about that?” I ask. I’ve spent a lot of time with Keifer overseas, but don’t remember discussing my students or job with him before.

  “Grace is worried about you. She just doesn’t want you to be away from the job so long that you can’t go back. She told me that Finn used to be so proud of the fact you were a teacher.”

  The minute Finn’s name leaves his lips, tears sting the back of my eyes. Maybe he’s right. If Finn was here, he’d never let me be away from my students for as long as I have. On the other hand, I’m not the same person I was before the accident. I don’t want to disappoint anyone.

  “Tobin?” Keifer says my name, softly, trying to regain my attention. “Look, I know I don’t have any right to say anything about your life…but I’d like to think of us as friends.”

  The word leaves a pang in my chest and between the tears I have for Finn and now the guilt swirling around in my stomach, I feel as though I might be sick.

  “Can you excuse me for a moment?” Without hesitation, I’m already on my feet and booking it to the restroom. I don’t know what is wrong with me.

  I lock myself in the first stall and fall to the ground sobbing. This time away has been really good for me. It has allowed me to move forward in my life for the first time since the accident. Time stood still for months after the crash and being abroad finally made it feel like the earth was moving under my feet again—like I wasn’t stuck in some grief vortex.

  There has been a hole in my heart since that day, that nothing and no one has been able to fill. Traveling and the new experiences helped me refocus my energy elsewhere. The hole is still there, big as ever, but I can function as if it’s not. Crying has become second nature to me; the puffy eyes and pink cheeks have become my staple since everything happened. But for the first time, I’m not crying at every mention of their names. I’m able to retell stories or recount memories without sadness, but love. Of course, I’m still broken. I don’t know that I will ever be whole again. Some days I just know how to handle it better.

  After dry heaving for a few minutes, I decide that it’s probably more mental than anything else. I force myself off the floor and finally make my way back to the table.

  “Are you okay?” Keifer asks, wide-eyed and concerned. “Do we need to leave?”

  I shake my head. “No. I’m going to be okay.”

  “We can leave, Tobin. We can get fast food or something, if you’d rather do that.”

  Looking around, I feel bad. He went out of his way to bring me to a nice restaurant for celebration and I’m not even enjoying it.

  “Come on.” He doesn’t wait for a response from me, just grabs my hand and begins leading me outside.

  “I’m sorry,” I mutter, utterly ashamed.

  Keifer steps closer to me and tilts my chin up. “You have nothing to apologize for. You’re grieving and rightfully so.”

  I nod, even though it’s only a half-truth. I’m grieving and guilty. Guilty in more ways than one. And it’s eating away at me, little by little. It makes me question if I’m a good person, still, or if I lost her, too. Removing his hand from my face, I step away. The heat from his fingers still lingers and it makes the anxiety in my stomach grow. I shouldn’t be feeling this way. My body is betraying me.

  “Let me call a taxi. We can convince them to stop by McDonald’s for us.”

  “I’m sorry,” I repeat.

  Keifer turns to face me again. “Tobin, seriously, quit apologizing. I’m not upset.”

  “That’s not what I’m apologizing for,” I say in a small voice. “I’m apologizing because I got you mixed up in my grief. And ever since that happened it’s like I can’t think clearly.”

  “What are you saying?” He takes a hesitant step toward me.

  “I’m saying that you’re right. It is time for me to go. I can only pretend for so long. Eventually, I will have to face reality.”

  His face scrunches up as he tries to decipher my last statement. “Listen, I had a good time on this trip. Better than expected, but I also know it’s time for you to get back to your everyday life.”

  “My everyday life?” I practically shout. “That life died in that car crash. My life has been standing still ever since. I don’t even know who I am or what life to live now. I’m so lost it’s not even funny.”

  Keifer’s stare softens and sympathy radiates off him.

  “Please, don’t feel sorry for me. I’m the main reason they aren’t here anymore.” Even though the words leave my mouth, I don’t believe them wholeheartedly. I know I was one factor, but not the final factor.

  He’s staring back at me with a solemn expression. “Tobin, you know as well as I do that you are not to blame for what happened. How could you say that?”

  “Because!” I say exasperatedly. “It was my idea to surprise my parents by making that road trip. It’s not like we didn’t have enough money to fly there, I just thought it would be a fun bonding experience. Finn wanted to fly, he said we would get there so much faster and no one would be tired from driving. I’m the one who sealed their fate. Me.”

  Keifer steps closer to me and places his hands on the sides of my arms. He proceeds to shake me gently. “You can’t keep doing this to yourself. This ‘what if’ game. You’re never going to be able to move on.”

  “I don’t want to move on!” I cry out, tears streaming down my face. “I don’t want to forget them.”

  Keifer rubs his hands soothingly up and down my arms. “Shhh, moving on does not mean forgetting. It just means that you are learning how to deal with your grief in a more constructive way.”

  I lay my head on his shoulder, giving in. I don’t have the energy to fight anymore.

  Be the Energy You Want to Attract

  We’ve been back in Seattle for a couple of weeks now. At first, Keifer thought about going back home to New York, but then he thought better of it. He asked if I wouldn’t mind him moving in temporarily. I’m unsure why he is sticking around, but I feel safe with him here. Not to mention the fact that he enjoys cooking and has been treating me often to good food.

  I haven’t been able to make it back into a classroom yet, but baby steps. For the first time in almost six months, I’ve pulled out my old lesson plans and grading notebook and it’s giving me nostalgia. I miss my students and teaching, but I’m terrified of making a mistake. I’m terrified I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.

  I know you can’t unlearn things that quickly. I mean, once you’ve learned how to ride a bike, you know how to do it forever. I used to be able to whistle loud and clear, but now when I put my lips together, nothing comes out but air. Surely, it’s because I didn’t practice it on a regular basis. I didn’t ingrain it into my memory.

  My heart wants to go back so badly, don’t get me wrong, but my head wants to be sure I’m ready. My co-workers have been extremely supportive and understanding. They tell me to come back on my own time, to not rush it.

  The first orde
r on my agenda is rearranging everything in my house. For me to be able to move forward, I need to reinvent a few things. The master bedroom is getting a new mattress and box spring along with some new wall art. Easten’s old room is getting a new daybed and desk and I’m even treating myself to a new bedroom set for the guestroom.

  I thought about selling the house, for a long time. I wasn’t sure I would be able to walk past the bedrooms and not fall apart every single time, but having Keifer here has shifted the energy. I still feel Finn and Easten everywhere, but it’s not solely in the bedrooms anymore. Keifer has also helped to redecorate the master bedroom where he is staying, and for once it doesn’t feel like my house anymore. It simply feels like a house I live in. I’m unsure if that is a good or bad thing.

  Being around him more often is not any easier on my mental health. I’m still battling my mind and heart every single day. What’s even worse is now I’m hyperaware when his phone rings or chimes. I wonder who it is, and I know that is not any of my business. When he leaves without telling me where he’s going, I wonder if he’s going to meet a friend or going on a date. I know I can’t live like this and I know it’s not healthy, but at the moment, it’s the only thing I know.

  Today there is a barbecue at Torrie and Dan’s, and they’ve invited some friends and family. I’m bringing Keifer along with me because he’s never officially met Torrie, and I want to get her take on him. We are the first to arrive, and I’m relieved. It gives me a chance to catch up with my sister and brother-in-law, and for Keifer to ease into meeting everyone. I hate making people feel uncomfortable.

  “So, you’re the infamous Keifer Jacks,” Torrie says, her eyes trailing his all-black attire, up and down, before landing on his face.

  He chuckles. “Funny, you guys are definitely related. Tobin said something identical to me the first time we met.”

  My eyes dance from his lips to his eyes and back. I don’t remember saying that. I’m surprised he does.

  She smiles. “Thick as thieves.” Torrie throws her arm around me, pulling me in for a hug. “Doug is outside at the barbecue, come say hi.”

  She leads the way to their backyard which is large, with a pool, gazebo, and barbecue. “Doug, Tobin and Keifer are here.”

  He turns his attention to us and then scurries over to pull me into a hug. “Good to see you, Tobin. It’s been what, a week?”

  I shake my head laughing. “Oh, whatever.”

  “Really, though,” he says in a slightly more serious tone. “Torrie and I need to tell you something, and we thought it might be better to do it before everyone gets here.”

  I exchange a worried glance with Torrie and then my anxiety begins to rise. “Torrie?”

  She is fidgeting with her hands and having trouble keeping eye contact with me. Something is wrong. My stomach begins to churn.

  Finally, her eyes lock onto mine for a few seconds before shifting again. “Tobin, I’m pregnant.”

  I have to blink a few times before it registers. “Oh, my God! Congratulations!” I pull her into me and squeeze her tight.

  When we release each other, her expression is full of concern. “Are you sure you are okay with this?”

  “What?” I practically choke. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

  She glances around uncomfortably, knowing there are multiple eyes and ears involved. “Because we feel terrible being excited about this when we are all still grieving.”

  “No. No way,” I say firmly. “You have wanted this for as long as I can remember. I am thrilled for you guys. How far along are you?”

  Torrie breaks eye contact and again her body movements look uncomfortable. “I’m 12 weeks.”

  Glancing between her and Doug, I feel betrayed in a sense. “Wait, how long have you guys known?”

  Doug’s face falls and he reaches out for me. “Tobin, it wasn’t the right time to tell you. You’ve been battling with everything that’s happened and we didn’t want to make anything harder for you. We wanted you to be in the right headspace, and to respect your grieving process.”

  Shifting my eyes back to Torrie, she has a similar expression on her face. “You were just so sad. I wanted to make sure we didn’t cause you any more pain.”

  Keifer is still awkwardly standing here not saying a word. I don’t think he’d dare at a time like this.

  “Who else knows?”

  Torrie and Doug both exchange glances before looking at the ground.

  “Seriously?” I exclaim.

  Neither one can look me in the eye. Without bothering to say another word, I push past them and back into the house.

  Losing Finn, Easten, and our unborn child was the worst thing I’ve ever had to live through. Seeing happy families right after the accident was devastating. I couldn’t even look at them. I was angry with them. Angry that they got more time with their loved ones and my time was ripped away. Blaming Torrie and Doug for trying to protect me would be foolish. They’ve only been looking out for me since the accident. I owe them my life.

  I’m not upset because they told everyone else and waited to tell me, I’m upset that deep down inside, I’m jealous. I’m jealous that they get to have the life that was ripped away from me so suddenly. I have no right to be jealous. Torrie and Doug have been trying unsuccessfully for years to get pregnant. This has always been her biggest dream, to be a mother and wife. She deserves this, they both do.

  “Tobin? Are you in here?” I hear Keifer’s voice call out for me.

  Turning around to face him, I do my best to plaster on a smile even though my heart is hurting. “Sorry, I just needed a moment. I hate being the last to know things!”

  Thanksgiving came and went, and it was one of the hardest days I’ve ever been through. Finn used to adore the holiday and loved pulling out a recipe book each and every year, choosing one new thing to try to make. When Easten turned three, she wanted to be everywhere Finn was, so she became his little helper. Last year, they attempted to make a chicken pot pie and failed miserably, but they laughed the entire day together. They always had the best time doing anything. She really was a daddy’s girl. I’m not looking forward to Christmas. Before, I would go all out with stockings and a tree and endless gifts. I used to love seeing the looks on their faces. My heart feels tight.

  Keifer has been MIA for a couple of weeks now, due to traveling for his channel, but the time alone has been good for me. For a few moments, I don’t have to feel like I’m tip-toeing around him all the time. He’s been more secretive with his phone lately, which probably makes me sound like a crazy stalker…but in reality, he’s just been more careful with leaving his phone out and always facing it down when it is. I wonder what he’s hiding.

  Six and a half months ago I was married, had a family, and was happy. Now I’m worried about whether Keifer Jacks is secretly dating anyone. No one could have predicted this. I’m ashamed that my thoughts and feelings have been this way, but I don’t know how to shut them off. I wonder if it’s easier for him because he doesn’t see me that way.

  He returns to Seattle in a couple of days, and I’m anxious to see him. He traveled to Spain and Greece for his channel. He invited me to tag along this time, too, but I know I have responsibilities. I know it’s time for me to start thinking about my new life. The life I never asked for.

  Nothing Worth Having Comes Easy

  Keifer has been back for about a week now and acting differently. It’s hard to explain, but I think he met someone. He’s been engrossed in his phone more than ever before and half the time, when we are in proximity of each other, he’s been too enamored to pay any attention. Even though we live in the same house, I feel like I haven’t seen him in days.

  Besides Torrie and Doug, Keifer is basically the only person I spend time with. Of course, I still make it out to see Grace every now and then, but I’m trying to figure out this new path I’m on.

  A few weeks ago, I made the decision to not return to the classroom. In my old life, this was who I was�
�a teacher, a mother, a wife. But I’m starting with a clean slate, and instead of always dwelling on the negative, I’ve decided to focus on the positives, like going back to school. Lately, I’ve been feeling really strong about studying psychology. I think I want to become a social worker of some kind. I want to do more good.

  It’s the afternoon and there is loud commotion coming from the garage. Peeking my head outside, it’s apparent that Keifer has brought a tree home. “Hey,” he says casually, as he pulls the tree out of the bed of his truck. “I got us a tree!”

  “I can see that.” The feelings swirling inside of me are mixed. I want to be happy that this staple of my holiday tradition hasn’t changed, but my family isn’t here with me to enjoy it.

  He lugs it across the garage and into the house, making me have to scoot inside further to not be hit by it. “Where do you want it?” Turning around to face me, he stares expectantly, awaiting his marching orders.

  Glancing at the spot it’s been for the past few years, I turn my back to it and point at the opposite end of the living room. “There.”

  He drops it in the desired location and looks back at me. “Do you have a tree skirt or a base for the tree?”

  I nod. “They are in storage. The keys are hanging by the front door. They are all marked.”

  Keifer breaks out into a smile. “Where are your stockings? You need some Christmas cheer in here.”

  I know he only means well, but I can’t put out those stockings this year. “I wasn’t planning on decorating. I’m going to need new stockings.”

  “Tell ya what. I’ll go get the stockings, you pull out the skirt, base, and ornaments and I will be back to help you get this done.” He’s already walking past me to leave, when I stop him.

  “Keifer, why are you doing this?”

  Turning back towards me, he takes a step closer. “Tobin, it’s Christmas.”