The Life I Never Asked For

by Kira Adams

  He shrugs, joining me on the plush cushions and then maneuvering me into the lying position. We cuddle up, my back to him and his arm around my stomach.

  “Seriously, what do you want to watch?”

  His lips press against the bare skin on my shoulder, the heat penetrating my entire body. “You pick. I just want to spend time with you.”

  He’s making it hard to focus on anything other than his lips that have been exploring ever since we laid down. Dropping the remote to the ground, I shift around, so we are now facing one another. Trailing his face with my fingers, my thumb lingers on his bottom lip. Keifer doesn’t wait more than a second before pressing his lips to mine. His hands cup my face and hair, and my fingers graze his neck and the back of his head. My fingernails tease his scalp as the kiss intensifies. He moans in my mouth and it only makes me want him more.

  Because it’s been so long since intimacy was a part of my life, my body has been sensitive. The slightest touch can make me quiver, and horny is an understatement. But there is no reason to rush anything. We have only been fooling around for a little over a week and thankfully haven’t done more than kiss. If he tried, he’d probably succeed because my willpower is all but gone.

  After spending countless hours cuddling and kissing and definitely not watching tv, my eyes grow heavy and eventually close. For the first time in a long time, I feel safe in someone else’s arms, and that is beautiful.

  Keifer left for Colombia early this morning and I already miss his lips on mine and his arms wrapped around me. I don’t know who I am becoming, but I can’t say I hate her.

  It’s been killing me to keep this from Torrie because she’s been through so much with me, but I don’t know how she will react. She adored Finn. She was his biggest cheerleader. I haven’t told her too much about Keifer, and definitely not enough good things.

  I’m headed to meet her for an afternoon hike and my stomach is packed with butterflies. I’m scared she will be able to read me like a book, like she always does, and know immediately something is wrong. I’m afraid she is going to look at me differently if she finds out what I’ve done. No, I haven’t killed anyone, but it still feels like the ultimate betrayal.

  “So, what’s new?” she asks, as we begin our trek.

  “I think I’ve decided that I’m not going to go back to my job.” I don’t know why I make it seem like I’m on the fence about it…I know I’m not going back. Maybe I’m afraid of being judged.

  “Are you serious?” she asks, stopping in her tracks to gape at me.

  I nod self-consciously. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I don’t know if I can be that Tobin any more. I need to start fresh.”

  She swallows, digesting the information. “I’m sad to hear that, but if that’s something you feel you need to do, then I think it’s important. I will support you in whatever you want to do, you know that.”

  Throwing my arms around her, I pull her into a tight hug. “Thank you for always being there for me no matter what.” I really should have more faith in her, she’s been my rock this past year.

  When we release one another, she looks at me with furrowed brows. “Okay, spill. What else?”

  I sigh. I should have known I couldn’t get one past her. “Do you think I’m a bad person?”

  She stares back at me, wide-eyed and open-mouthed. “What makes you ask that?”

  Shrugging, I decide to continue down the trail. She follows closely, her eyes examining my facial expressions and body movements. “I’ve done something…and I’m worried I’m going to hell for it.”

  Torrie chuckles and then throws her hand over her mouth to muffle the laughs. “I’m sorry…hell?”

  I nod. “I’m worried I’ve lost myself.”

  Torrie’s expression turns to concern. “Tell me what you did, Tobin. I’m sure it’s just a misunderstanding.”

  Shaking my head, I let it fall into my hands as we continue walking.

  I stop in the middle of the hiking path, staring back at my sister, with tear-filled eyes. “I kissed Keifer.”

  She gasps and then throws a hand to stifle it. “Oh, my God.” She shakes her head back and forth. “Are you okay?”

  Leave it up to Torrie to know exactly what to ask. “I feel evil, like the devil in human’s flesh. Like I betrayed Finn, my family, his family.”

  She reaches out to touch my arm gently. “Tobin, you are nothing like the devil. You are a good person who was faced with a difficult decision, that’s it.”

  “You make it sound so simple,” I grumble.

  “It doesn’t have to be complicated unless you make it that way,” she replies, simply.

  “I wish you were right…more than anything.” Picking up my pace, we continue our hike.

  “What scares you most?” She knows me so well.

  “All of it.” And I’m not lying. “I’m scared shitless. I’m scared of Finn’s family judging me, I’m scared of feeling this way again, I’m scared of it not working out.”

  Torrie throws her arms around me, stopping us from moving forward. “Have I told you lately how much I love you? You are my best friend and I would never lie to you, right?”

  I nod cautiously, worried of what will come out of her mouth next.

  “Tobin, you’ve been so sad this year, and been through so much, I’m just happy to hear that you are going to be okay. That someone has come along and been able to help you get out of the fog you’ve been in. I’ve been so worried about you, but since Keifer has been around I haven’t stressed as much. He’s made a positive impact on you, and you can’t deny that.” She pauses, letting me go.

  “I know you’ve been worried about if what you’re feeling is appropriate, but fuck them. Fuck anyone who might have a problem with it. You’ve been sad for long enough. You deserve a little bit of sunshine after the rain.”

  My arms work on their own accord to pull her back in for another hug. “What did I do to deserve you?”

  She rubs my back soothingly before letting go. “You were so cute, you convinced mom and dad to have another kid.”

  I laugh, shrugging. “I mean, I was pretty cute kid.”

  Hope is the Only Thing Stronger Than Fear

  Today is Finn’s birthday. He would have been thirty-eight. Grace isn’t handling it any better than I am. She called as soon as the sun came up to invite me over to share cake with her. She said it’s tradition.

  I’m a mess. I knew it was going to be hard, just didn’t expect it to be this hard. The phone has not stopped ringing since last night. While I’m appreciative of the concern, dealing with grief has always been more of solo thing for me, not shared.

  Heading over to Grace’s house never gets easier. It’s a subtle reminder that they aren’t here anymore and what was, will never be again. I haven’t dared speak to her about what has transpired between Keifer and me because I don’t want to hurt her. I know how much she loves me, and how much I adore her, and the idea that I could do anything to ruin that scares the shit out of me.

  He is still traveling in South America right now, and finally made it to Lima. We’ve been keeping in contact through FaceTime and Snapchat. Because I’m lost in my grief today, I haven’t been as responsive as usual. I feel guilty from every angle.

  “So what time do I need to be there on Tuesday?” Grace asks me as she stirs the chili cooking on the stove. She’s referring to the trial for the girl who took everything from me. I never say or think her name because she doesn’t deserve it. Her actions speak loud enough for me.

  Inhaling deeply, I close my eyes. What I wouldn’t give to have Finn and Easten here with us joking and laughing and enjoying each other’s company. “Tommy said we should be there around eight.” Tommy is the lead lawyer for the prosecution team. He’s been working hard for months trying to get everything we need for a decent conviction. His team promised me that they plan to lock her up for a very long time. She shouldn’t be in society until she isn’t a danger to herself
or anyone else.

  “Are you nervous?” Grace peers over at me, her face fallen.

  Shaking my head, I make my way over to her and then pull her in for a hug. “We can’t control what is going to transpire from here on out. The only thing we can do is continue to tell Finn and Easten’s story so that this same thing doesn’t happen to anyone else. God forbid they let her out on a light sentence, we want to be prepared to show the world and our community, what an evil monster she is.” I’m unsure when I became so strong, but I think I’ve been slowly gaining it back over the last few months. My biggest objective is to honor my husband, daughter, and the baby we never knew existed, beyond that…the sky is the limit.

  “Go set the table, it’s almost ready,” Grace instructs me, as I release her.

  It’s been a few days since Finn’s birthday passed and the trial began. The first day was spent picking the jury. Because I lived through the entire incident, they wanted to put me on the stand. In most criminal cases, this would not be advised, but because I’m on the other side, it’s almost expected. The second day, three witnesses are called up.

  “Your honor, we’d like to invite Joseph Tenant up to the stand.” Tommy motions to Joseph, who is seated behind me. He was the first responding EMT. He’s one of the reasons I’m sitting here, living and breathing. In the beginning, living was the worst thing that could have happened to me, and now the idea of not being around, terrifies me. There is so much more I still want to see and do.

  “Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?”

  “I do.”

  “You may be seated,” the judge orders.

  “Joseph, you work as an EMT, is that correct?” Tommy begins the round of questioning.

  Joseph nods, leaning into the microphone. “That’s correct.”

  “And on the night in question, June 16th, 2018, you were the first responding personnel, is that also correct?”

  “Correct.”

  “Can you walk us through how that night played out for you?” I could recite the questions he’s asking in my sleep, it’s something we’ve been over plenty of times.

  “There were reports of a bad accident on Interstate 5. Dispatch radioed out asking who had the closest location. It took me about ten minutes to get there and they weren’t lying.”

  Tommy takes a step closer to the stand. “What was the sight you saw when you arrived?”

  Joseph looks uncomfortable as he recalls the night. “Mrs. Price had been thrown from the vehicle and was lying on the pavement face down. Mr. Price was deceased upon my arrival and I wasn’t aware there was another passenger until backup arrived and they did a full sweep.”

  “Please tell the jury what they discovered,” Tommy prompts him again.

  Even with knowing what is coming, it doesn’t make it any easier. Wishing I had earphones to drown out the next part, my eyes close instead. It won’t stop the image from appearing, but at least I’m trying.

  “They found the body of Easten Price off the shoulder of the road, she had been ejected upon impact.”

  There is a sadness that washes upon the room. God, my sweet little girl. All I can hope is that her soul left her body before the pain.

  My eyes rake over in the direction of the defendant and she has the audacity to smile at a time like this. It makes my stomach churn. I want nothing more than to hop over all the tables and chairs and choke her to death.

  Reliving the gruesome details is difficult and heartbreaking. Especially hearing it from others’ perspectives. Having to see the person who took away my happiness and forever, sit here like she did nothing wrong, and all is hunky dory, is like a punch to the gut.

  The pictures…well, I can’t look at the pictures. I’ve never squeezed my eyes tighter in my life. It isn’t until Tommy taps me that I realize it’s over and safe to open them again. When I do, I stare straight at the no-name. Her head is down, and I can’t catch her gaze.

  She’s been smart to not make eye contact with me, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been searching for it. I want to see into her eyes to see if I can catch a glimpse of the monster. The one who made that horrific decision exactly seven months ago today. Her parents and family members are seated in her section with solemn expressions. They must know that she can’t be saved from this, that she is expected to be punished for her actions. The same actions that left me with nothing.

  It’s the third day of the trial and with it almost ending, I know I am about to be called up. My palms are sweaty, and my heartbeat has spiked. I’m going to have to face her head on, the girl who shall not be named. Of course, I’ve been seated across from her for a couple of days already, and even had some questionable elevator run-ins, but this is going to be different. We can’t avoid each other’s gazes forever, but when I’m seated across from her, it’s going to be that much more difficult.

  “We’d like to call Tobin Price to the stand,” Tommy says in an authoritative tone.

  My legs are wobbly as I rise and begin walking toward the witness stand. My eyes trail both sides of the courthouse. On the prosecution side, Grace is present, Torrie is beside her, and Keifer is seated on the other side of my mother-in-law. On the bench behind them are my mother and Troy. On the defense side, the girl’s family is still here in full force on the third day. I’m surprised, but not shocked. I understand wanting to protect your flesh and blood no matter what.

  My seat hits the bench after being sworn in and all eyes are on me. My temperature rises.

  “Tobin, why don’t you walk us through your day, starting with the afternoon of June 16th, 2018.”

  My breathing intensifies. You can do this.

  “My husband, daughter, and I were on our way to visit my mother in Oregon, as a surprise. We were driving from Seattle to Independence.”

  “Independence is about, what would you say, three and a half hours away from Seattle?” Tommy asks me, even though he knows the answer. .

  I nod. “Yes, that’s correct.”

  “And then what happened?”

  “I had been sleeping and then woke up to see headlights coming directly at us. We tried honking, swerving, anything we could do to get their attention or to stop it, but the car was mirroring our movements. If he veered left, the car did the same. It was obvious they were on a path of destruction.”

  It’s eerily quiet in the courtroom as my testimony falls upon the crowded room. Every media station is present due to the devastating nature of the case. In the last seventy-two hours, I’ve been asked to be on just about every single talk show or news station there is. The story is being picked up by everyone from Cosmopolitan to 20/20. Everyone is invested in the outcome of this trial, now. It’s become so much bigger than I ever could have imagined.

  Filming some silly YouTube videos has got nothing on national television. The idea of it is absolutely terrifying.

  “I know this is difficult, but what took place next?” Tommy’s approach turns soft and subtle for this round of questions. Not just because it’s rehearsed, but because he knows how much it affects me to talk about it and to relive that day.

  This is it: the moment I’ve been waiting for. My eyes fall upon hers and for once she isn’t shying away. She is staring directly back at me. Yet, I don’t see the devil. I see something far worse. Nothing. Her pupils are small and empty, devoid of any ounce of emotion. Her facial expression matches it, and I know that no matter what I say today or portray, it won’t matter to her. She wanted to die the day she crashed into my life, and living with the fact that someone else died for her decision doesn’t faze her. The death penalty would be too kind. She needs to rot away for the rest of her miserable existence, knowing that there was another way.

  Pointing my finger directly at her, my voice rises, “She crashed into our vehicle, speeding over eighty miles per hour. The next thing I remember is waking up in a hospital room where I was told that I was the only survivor.” I know I should stop there,
but I can’t. The words fall from my lips before I can stop them. “You took my husband and daughter away from me. That’s one thing. Later, I came to find out that you also took my unborn child from me. You took away my past, present, and future in one fell swoop and you did it all because you wanted to die. And I look at you, and you don’t even regret what you did. I can tell. You wanted to die then, and you still do. The fact that you wiped some other people off the face of the planet means nothing to you because you’re not going to stop until you get what you want. That’s what this is all about, right? You get what you want–the death penalty.”

  I turn to face the jurors, with tears streaming down my face. “She’s guilty. There’s no question about that. What it comes down to is that she doesn’t deserve the death penalty. She deserves to rot away in prison for the rest of her life knowing that she did one of the most deplorable things ever, and she is still being kept alive.”

  The room is so quiet you could hear a pin drop. I may have gone off script a little there, but I knew that I may never get another chance again.

  “No further questions, your honor.”

  Life is Tough, But So Are You

  The trial ended and unsurprisingly, she was found guilty on all counts: two counts of vehicular manslaughter, first degree homicide by a vehicle, and criminal negligence. Because of the severity of the case, the judge will be deciding upon a sentence of fifteen to forty-five years. Unfortunately, I’m not getting the life behind bars I wished for, but I am thankful she was found guilty for all of it.

  While she may have been wanting to die, Finn and Easten were just beginning to live their lives. Taking away their chance at reaching for their dreams and goals was cruel. Someday, I hope she will be able to look back at her decision and see how it affected everyone around her. She split up a family forever with her actions and flipped my world on its axis.