Safe Distance

by Megan Green

  I smile. Amanda and Earl are next with their praise. Justin even throws out a few words of encouragement. I look at Gordon. He winks at me. He knows what that took. For me to put myself out there like that.

  Still on a high, Ryan and I head over to a booth to talk while Chris and Earl battle it out on the karaoke machine.

  Gordon brings over a pitcher of beer, two glasses, and a medium pepperoni pizza. It’s what Amanda and I always used to order. Looking at Ryan, I gesture to the pizza. “We can get something else if you’d like.”

  “Nope, this is fine. Why ruin a good pizza with all that other crap?

  Nodding, I reach to take a piece while he pours out two glasses of beer.

  “So, Haylee. Tell me more about your job.”

  Not wanting to ruin the night, I shake my head. “Not tonight. I’m having too much fun. I don’t wanna kill that with boring talk about work.”

  “Okay then. What should we talk about? You pick.”

  I point at Chris. “That. How on Earth did you become friends with that?”

  He cracks up. “I ask myself that almost on a daily basis. He’s kinda like fungus. Once you get him, he’s hard as hell to get rid of.”

  I giggle, but I can hear the affection in his voice. I wait for him to continue.

  “But really, I’ve known him forever. We grew up together. He and his family were there for me during some nasty shit. He’s like a brother to me. And when I said I wanted to join the military after high school, he dropped all other plans he had and decided to enlist with me. He’s a pain in the ass and I want to strangle him sometimes, but he’s really the best guy you’ll ever meet. You won’t find anyone more loyal.”

  I nod, because I feel the same way about Amanda. Well, not the pain in the ass and strangling part. But the rest. She’s been there for me through some dark times these past few years, but her loyalty has never fledged. She’s my Chris.

  The mood at the table has shifted. I see the wheels turning behind Ryan’s eyes, and I wonder what “nasty shit” he went through. I want to ask him, but I know that’ll only lead to more questions. Questions I can’t answer.

  Seeing me staring at him, his smile brightens and the troubled look leaves his eyes. “How about you? How long have you known Amanda?”

  Not wanting to stifle the conversation, I decide it’s safe to tell him the basics. “We met in high school. Came to college together. I graduated last spring, like I said. And she continued on to get her master’s. We’re still living together, although with the way things are going with Justin, I’m not sure for how much longer,” I laugh lightly, trying to make it seem like the thought of her leaving doesn’t cause my chest to constrict.

  “Where’d you grow up?”

  We’re getting into personal territory. I need to put an end to the direction this conversation has taken. “Just a little town a few hours north of here. You wouldn’t have heard of it.”

  He shrugs and takes a bite of his pizza. I want to ask him where he’s from. I want to ask him where he’s been. What he’s seen. I’ve never known anyone in the military. It’s a lifestyle I’ve always found fascinating. I want to pick his brain and find out everything I can.

  But that would only open the conversation. He’d want answers to the same questions. And I can’t do that. I need to keep a safe distance between us. Deciding it’s time to change the subject, I ask, “So, what’s your favorite movie?”

  He looks temporarily thrown, but he recovers quickly. “You’re gonna laugh. Back to the Future.”

  He’s right, I do laugh. “Back to the Future? Why? You weren’t even born when that movie was made.”

  He smiles at me. “It was my dad’s favorite. I remember watching it with him and my brother when I was little. My dad loved him some Doc Brown.” His face falls slightly. “He died when I was eleven. He and my brother.”

  My jaw drops in shock. I wasn’t expecting that. I want to reach out and take his hand. Offer him some small comfort. But I don’t dare.

  “I’m sorry, Ryan,” I manage in a meager voice.

  He lifts his eyes to mine. “It was a long time ago. But thank you.” He smiles at me weakly.

  Obviously wanting the focus off him, he asks, “What about your parents? Are they nearby?”

  I flinch. This was precisely why I wanted to keep the conversation light. Movies, books, weather—that stuff I can handle. Not these questions.

  I stand. Pulling a ten from my pocket, I drop it on the table.

  “I’m sorry, Ryan. I just remembered I have something I need to do for work. I was supposed to, um, email a client earlier. And I totally spaced it. I gotta go. Thanks for the company. I had fun. See ya.”

  I turn and rush out the doors before he can object. I rode with Amanda and I don’t want to go back in and get her keys, so I decide to walk back to our apartment. It’s less than a mile, and it’ll give me some time to clear my head. What was I thinking?

  Knowing Amanda won’t be far behind me once she realizes I’m gone, I set out at a slow jog. I want to beat her home and be in bed. I’m not up to talking tonight.

  I walk into work on Monday with a smile on my face. After my awkward exit on Friday, I was certain I wouldn’t see or hear from Ryan again. So imagine my surprise when I saw his name come up on my phone last night. I answered tentatively, deciding then and there to end whatever was going on between us.

  “Hello?”

  “What’s your favorite movie?”

  “Huh?” His question catches me completely off guard.

  “You’re favorite movie. I told you mine. Now you tell me yours.”

  “Uhh…” I trail off. He’s acting like nothing happened. Like I didn’t get up in the middle of the conversation and practically run from the building. Wondering where he’s going with this, I decide to answer. “Well, now you’re gonna laugh at me. In fact, I’m not sure if I should tell you after laughing at your answer.”

  “Oh, come on. It can’t be that bad. I promise I won’t laugh. Unless it’s Twilight or some lame shit like that. Then all bets are off.”

  I cough, waiting a moment before speaking. He starts to laugh.

  “Are you serious? It’s Twilight? Jesus. I never would have pegged you as someone who’d name that piece of shit as their all-time favorite.”

  “Hey now. I’ll have you know that the Twilight movies, however bad they may be, inspired a whole generation to pick up the books and read. Anything that gets people reading is alright in my book. But no, Mr. Judgy McJudgerson, Twilight is not my favorite movie. The Breakfast Club is.”

  He pauses. “And why were you embarrassed to tell me that? That movie is the shit.”

  “Because I laughed at you for loving a movie older than we are. I checked later that night. Back to the Future and The Breakfast Club were made the same year. So now I’m eating crow.”

  He laughs. “Stop eating that shit. It’s nasty. And never be ashamed of loving the classics. They don’t make movies like they used to. John Bender was a badass.”

  “He totally was,” I giggle. “I had the biggest crush on him growing up. There’s just something about a reformed bad boy.”

  “Bad boys, eh? Well, I’ll have you know, I stole a pack of gum once. Made it halfway home with it too before my guilt got the best of me and I turned myself in. I thought I’d go to prison for sure. I got myself all prepped for the big house on my way back to the store. I was a little disappointed when the clerk just took the pack of gum back and told me to go home. I was sorta looking forward to getting that teardrop tattoo.”

  His story is so silly I can’t help but laugh. “You’re a hardened criminal. Although I don’t think having sticky fingers warrants a teardrop tattoo. Pretty sure those are saved for the murderers and such. Not a little petty theft.”

  “Dammit. You’re probably right. Oh well. Probably for the best anyway. I’m not sure I would have survived on the inside.”

  “Probably not. Especially not at, what, four?” />
  “Um, ten. I’d been a bit sheltered up to that point. Didn’t quite get how the world worked yet.” The tone of his voice implies that it wasn’t long until he did figure out just how screwed up the world could be. I remember him saying his father died when he was eleven. I wonder what happened.

  I stop myself before I can ask. Looking at the clock, I feign a yawn.

  “Should I let you go?” he asks.

  “I am pretty tired. And I’ve got a long day ahead of me tomorrow. I should probably get some sleep.”

  “Okay. I’ll talk to you soon. Sweet dreams, Haylee.”

  Remembering my resolve to end whatever this was, I cut in before he can hang up.

  “Actually, Ryan. I don’t think that’s such a good idea. I really am busy with work.” I bite my lip. To hell with it. I’m just going to be upfront with him. “Actually, that’s not true. Well it is, but that’s not why this isn’t a good idea. I can’t be a good friend to you right now. Or ever, really. It’s just not in me. And I don’t want to give you false impressions that this could ever, you know, be something more. Because it can’t. That just isn’t in the cards for me. Ever.”

  He’s silent. The silence stretches out so long I think maybe he hung up. I look at the phone, the connection still showing on my screen. I put my phone back to my ear, waiting for either his voice to break the silence or a click.

  Finally, after what feels like an eternity, he clears his throat.

  “Haylee, I like you. And don’t tell me you can’t be a good friend, because I know that’s not true. You already are. You’re a good friend to Amanda. And so far, you’ve been a good friend to me. Whatever you think is wrong with you, I can assure you it’s not true.

  “As for the rest of it, I have no impressions of anything. You’re absolutely gorgeous and any guy would consider himself lucky to have you. But I told you before that relationships are a no-go for me right now. I really should have said they’re a no-go for me ever. Remember when I said my father died? My mother had a really hard time after. I can’t imagine leaving someone like that. So something more isn’t in the cards for me either.”

  I exhale. My hands are trembling so badly I can barely keep the phone to my ear. “Ryan. Really. You don’t want someone like me in your life. I’m a mess. Some days I feel like it’s all I can do to drag myself out of bed. I’m bad news. Everything I come in contact with turns to shit. I’m like an anchor. I drag down everything and everyone. I can’t do that to another person.”

  He lets out a slow breath. “Someday, you’re going to tell me what happened to you. What made you think so poorly of yourself. Because I can assure you, Haylee, you are not an anchor. When you dropped your guard Friday and sang that song to Chris, you shined so brightly. The light in your eyes was blinding. Your smile was impossible to resist. Your energy was contagious. You brightened up that whole place. I’d never seen someone look so alive. You just have to let yourself feel it.”

  The tears are forming behind my eyes, because I know he’s right. Letting myself go that night was the best I’d felt in years. The happiest. But I also know that’s how you get hurt. When you don’t have total control of a situation, you’re completely vulnerable to everybody else. I learned that lesson over and over growing up. It’s not something I can allow myself to be vulnerable to again. I won’t make it through it another time.

  Ryan breaks the silence again. “Look, Haylee. I get it. I do. And I’m not going to push you to tell me anything. I promise to keep a safe distance. But please let me be your friend. I’m a pretty damn good one, if I do say so myself.”

  A laugh breaks through my tears. “Okay, Ryan. But don’t say I didn’t warn you. You remember this conversation later when you’re kicking yourself for getting mixed up with someone like me.”

  “Noted. But Haylee…that isn’t gonna happen. Stop expecting the worst. Whoever or whatever hurt you, well, just remember. Not everyone is like that. There are good people in the world. And you’re one of them. Now go to bed. Sweet dreams, Haylee.”

  I smile, allowing myself for just a minute to believe him. “Good night, Ryan. Thanks for the talk. Sleep well.”

  “You too, pretty girl.”

  I hear a click come over the line and I put my phone on my nightstand. That night, I actually fall right to sleep. No thoughts of my mother or Campbell or any of it. It’s the best sleep I’ve had in years.

  Now it’s Monday morning, and like I said, a giant grin is plastered on my face as I step into the office.

  Sue gives me a curious glance as I walk past her office. I give her a little wave and walk down to mine. I’ve just taken off my coat when she peeks her head in my door.

  “Who are you, and what have you done with Haylee?” she asks, giving me a sideways look.

  I laugh, bumping the mouse of my computer to wake it up. “Good morning to you too, Sue.” There’s a reason she’s so shocked to see me here on a Monday with a smile. Because I’m pretty sure this is the first time it’s ever happened.

  “Seriously, Hay. You get some this weekend? Or win the lotto? Something big had to have happened. Either that or you really have been replaced by a pod person.”

  She’s still giving me a dubious look. I roll my eyes at her and turn back to my computer. Can’t slack off in front of the boss. Even if she is the one distracting me.

  “First of all, if I had won the lottery, you wouldn’t even be seeing me here this morning. You’d be lucky if you even got a phone call from the yacht I was on, telling you I wouldn’t be in for the foreseeable future because I’d be too busy being fanned by cabana boys. And second, you of all people know I didn’t ‘get any’ this weekend,” I say, making air quotes with my fingers and mimicking her tone. She may be in her late forties, but don’t tell her that. She thinks she’s still twenty-one and wild. But I guess when you look like her, you might as well enjoy it. “You’re the one always trying to get me to go out with you. But you know I’m not interested in one-night stands. And you also know I’m too busy trying to get my career up and running to try for anything serious right now.”

  Sue has become a great friend to me this past year. She’s really helped me get my portfolio built up and taught me a ton of things about the marketing world. But she doesn’t know my past. I always give her the “I’m focusing on my career” speech whenever she presses me about my relationship status. I can’t get into that with her. I can’t let her know how damaged I am. I don’t want her pity. Or her sympathy.

  “Pffft,” she says, brushing her hair over her shoulder. “You are twenty-three years old, my dear girl. You need to get out there and live a little. Nobody is saying anything about one-night stands or trying to find your future husband. But you will never find anything if you don’t open yourself up a little.”

  “I know, I know. And I will. Someday. But not now. You know I need to focus on my job right now. You did the same thing when you were younger.”

  “Yes, and look at me now. Forty-seven years old, no husband, no kids. Nothing but a fat bank account and more shoes than one woman could possibly need. Let me tell you, sweetie, it ain’t all that glamorous. I go home every day to that empty apartment. I make myself dinner and I curl up on the couch and watch horrible reality TV shows. Some days, I wish like hell I had someone to curl up with. Someone to share dinner with. But that ship has sailed. Only thing I can find now are old divorcees with crazy-ass ex-wives. Or hot young things who are only interested in my money. If I had to do it all over again, I would have focused more on myself when I was younger. Not just my career.”

  She reaches over and places her hand on mine, giving it a gentle squeeze. My mouth hangs open a little. I’m not sure how to respond to that. I’ve never heard her complain about her personal life before. In fact, she’s always bragged about being single and not having anything to tie her down. But the look in her eyes lets me know how sincere she’s being at this moment. She’s dropped her guard. I start to ask her what brought this on when she i
nterrupts me.

  “Now. Since you insist there was no action, and you’re very obviously not on a yacht surrounded by cabana boys, do you wanna tell me what the smile is about, then?”

  I let out a breath and give her a tentative look. She obviously doesn’t want to talk about her life anymore. And as curious as I am, I let her change the subject. Because who am I to judge someone for not wanting to talk about themselves? I am the queen of deflection when it comes to personal questions.

  I lift the corners of my mouth just a little. “Just had a good weekend. Went to my old college hangout with my girlfriend and caught up with some old friends.”

  She looks at me skeptically. “I’m not convinced. Something has got you in this great mood. And it sure as hell isn’t a stinky old bar or stinky old friends. Unless…Oh god. When you say girlfriend…do you mean a girl friend, or do you mean girlfriend?”

  I fling my Post-it notes at her. “No! Amanda is my oldest friend. I am very much straight, Sue. I just had a good night with some good friends. Good god, is that so hard to believe?”

  “Hey, I meant no offense. I wouldn’t care if you were. Love is love, and all that. I just thought maybe that’s why you weren’t interested in meeting guys. Probably could have approached that in a better way. You know I have no filter most of the time. I speak before I think. Sorry.”

  I smile at her for real this time. “It’s okay, Sue. I still love you. And in a strictly platonic, you’re-like-a-mother-to-me kind of way.”

  I know that mother comment will get her. And right on cue, she huffs and stands up from the corner of the desk she was sitting on. “Mother? Really? Do I look like I could be anybody’s mother?”

  No, she doesn’t. Like I said, Sue is hot. And not just hot for a forty-year-old. She’s hot by anyone’s definition of the word. She has long dark hair that always manages to fall in perfect cascading curls down her back. There’s not an ounce of fat on her, thanks to her personal trainer. And she has a face that makes Jennifer Aniston look plain. I’ve always wondered why she wasted all that God-given beauty on marketing instead of something more appealing like modeling or acting. But she insists this is where her heart has always been. I don’t understand how anybody can say that about this field, but she’s obstinate about it.