Safe Distance

by Megan Green

  He starts the car and puts the top back up. I grudgingly move to sit up straight in my seat, unlacing my fingers from his. His hand tightens its hold on mine, his grasp unwilling to let go. I tug harder. He frowns at me, but resentfully releases his hold.

  We ride back to my apartment in complete silence. Now that the magic of being under the stars has broken, all I can think of is what a mistake tonight has been. Not once, but twice I allowed him to hold my hand. I said things to him that definitely would have been better left unsaid. I opened myself up to him. Much more than I ever intended to. And now my familiar doubts and fears are crashing down around me.

  When we reach my place, I climb from the car before it’s even fully stopped. I toss a “Thanks for the ride” over my shoulder, knowing this will be the third time I’ve bailed on him with no explanation. Why does he keep coming back?

  Unable to give that much thought, I rush up the stairs and fumble with my keys until I get the right one in the lock. Just as I’m pushing the door open—the lights are all off, Amanda must still be out with Justin—I hear a soft voice behind me.

  “Haylee.”

  I turn slowly. I know it’s him. And I guess I’m not shocked that he followed me this time. He must be getting fed up with my capriciousness. When my eyes finally meet his, I’m unable to say anything. I just stare at his hurt expression.

  “Why do you run from me?”

  I fold my arms, hugging them to my chest. “It’s what I do. I run. Don’t take it personally.”

  He scoffs. “Don’t take it personally? Just when it feels like you’re finally starting to trust me, you shut me out. How am I not supposed to take that personally? What do I do that upsets you?”

  “Nothing,” I spit, the word coming out more harshly than I intended. “Nothing,” I say, softening my tone. “It’s not you. It’s…”

  “Do not say me. You are not about to use the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ line. Because everybody knows that’s bullshit.”

  “Ryan, I—”

  He cuts me off. “Don’t, Haylee. Look, I know you don’t want a relationship. And until I met you, the thought of one never even crossed my mind. I’ve been perfectly content with my life these past few years. Then you came in and showed me how much more there could be. Quite frankly, it scares the shit out of me. And I’m still not sure if it’s something I’ll ever be capable of giving you—or anybody else for that matter.” His voice trails off momentarily and his face screws up in thought, like he’s not sure how to say what he’s thinking.

  “Look, I’m not saying I want to be together. You told me from the beginning that wasn’t an option. But I do want to be part of your life. However you’ll allow me. So don’t shut me out. I’ll never do anything to hurt you. Just let me…be there. For you.”

  Tears stream down my face as he finishes. I open my mouth, but the words just won’t come out. I don’t even know what I want to say. I just know I have to say something.

  My voice cracks when I finally get my lips and brain to cooperate. “I d-don’t know how,” I finally admit, all the breath whooshing out of me.

  He closes the short distance between us and takes my arms in his hands, his gaze fixed firmly on mine. “Then we’ll figure it out. Together.” He leans in and kisses me softly on the forehead. The tenderness of his lips causes my tears to fall even harder.

  He pushes my door open behind me. “Write to me, Haylee. Go in, get some sleep. And tomorrow, write to me. You don’t have to tell me everything. But tell me something.”

  He pulls me to him, hugging me briefly before guiding me inside and closing the door behind him. I walk numbly to my room, not even bothering to change my clothes. I collapse on my bed, my sobs coming uncontrollably now. I cry for hours. Or days. Years. I have no clue. I cry until there’s not a single tear left in my body. And the entire time, I’m not sure what I’m crying for. Because Ryan brought all those terrible memories to the surface? Because I’m broken, beyond all hope for repair? Or because I’m pretty sure my heart just walked off, headed to a plane bound for war.

  The blue fabric slides luxuriously down my body as I slip into my dress. It feels like a dream. The silk swishes and swirls around my legs as I turn to the right, then the left, gazing at myself in the mirror. I had to save for two months in order to buy this dress. But as I stare at my reflection, all I can think about is how it was worth it.

  I have never felt so beautiful. I’ve never owned anything close to this nice before. Adding a part-time job on top of all my college-level classes, and the homework that comes with them, was risky. But as soon as Campbell asked me out, I decided I wanted to start saving, just in case this moment came.

  And three weeks ago it did. We’ve been dating for the past few months, and I still can’t believe someone like him would be interested in me. Sure, I’m pretty enough, I guess. But I’m nobody. What could a guy like that possibly see in me? He’s obviously still trying to figure that out too. Because even though we’ve been on almost a dozen dates, he still hasn’t taken me around his friends. He never really acknowledges me at school, other than Spanish class where we sit together. Even then, he just acts like a normal classmate. Friendly, but not boyfriendly. I don’t dare broach the subject when we’re out together. I don’t want him to think I’m needy. If he wants us to remain secret, then by all means, we’ll stay secret.

  And on our dates, he is as sweet as can be. A true gentleman. The kind I thought only existed in those books I like to read. He opens doors for me, pays all the checks. When he picked me up for our first date, there was a single red rose laid across my seat. Seeing the smile and happy tears in my eyes, it was something he’s repeated on every date since. I now have a vase full of dried-out roses on my nightstand. I can’t bear to part with them.

  With prom coming up soon, all I could think about was being by his side at that dance. I knew he probably wouldn’t ask me, but I saved that money just in case. Every night I dreamed of him whisking me around the dance floor, everyone staring at us in awe. They’ll realize I’m not who they thought I was. I’m not just the invisible nerd who keeps to herself. No longer the ugly duckling, I’ll blossom into the beautiful swan that has been hiding all along. Yes, it is corny. But I want it so badly.

  And, like I said, three weeks ago, my dream started becoming a reality. In the middle of my shift at the video store, Campbell showed up with his two best friends, carrying a gigantic pizza box between them. I was standing behind the counter and couldn’t help but grin as I saw them approach me. They set it down in front of me, and Campbell looked up at me with a mischievous grin. I had no idea what he was doing. Did they bring me dinner? There was enough to feed the entire store. Campbell cleared his throat, turned the pizza box so it was facing me, and lifted the lid. On the inside of the box was printed, “I know this is cheesy, but will you go to prom with me?” above the biggest cheese pizza I’d ever seen.

  I looked up at him, unable to contain my excitement. “Are you serious?” I exclaimed, my voice rising a few octaves.

  “As a heart attack, baby,” he replied, giving me a smug grin. His friends looked at each other, probably in confusion as to why he was even asking me in the first place, but I didn’t care. I flung myself over the counter and wrapped my arms around his neck.

  “Of course!” I practically screamed in his ear. He laughed, pushing me back slightly. Okay, so he didn’t want his friends to see just how close we were yet. I could live with that. I was going to prom!

  Now, three weeks later, here I am, standing in my bedroom, wearing the most beautiful dress in the entire world. My mom is out for the night, so I don’t have to worry about her coming in. I carefully apply another coat of mascara, wanting to look perfect. I don’t normally wear much makeup, but I want to look special tonight. Giving myself a final once-over, I shrug and step away. I grab my shoes and make my way down the stairs. Campbell should be here soon.

  Unsure what to do with myself until he gets here, I grab a book
and try to sit on the couch without wrinkling my dress. I read the same sentence about fifteen times before I finally toss it to the side, knowing there’s no way I’m going to be able to concentrate on it. I’m way too excited. Instead, I get up and crack the blinds just a little. Pacing back and forth in front of the window, I watch the road for Campbell’s car. Five minutes pass, and then ten. After five more, I start to worry. He’s late. He’s changed his mind. This was all just some cruel joke to make fun of the loser in Spanish class who thought she actually had a chance with him. I’m fighting back tears when I see a long stretch limousine pull up to the curb. What. The. Hell?

  The door opens up and Campbell steps out. Before he closes the door, I can see flashes of several others in the limo behind him. We’re going with his friends? My anxiety immediately starts to rise. He never mentioned this.

  I hear a soft knock on the door, and I swallow deeply, trying to squelch the anxiety. I open the door tentatively, unsure. He sees me standing behind the door and a smile spreads across his face.

  “You look beautiful, Haylee.” He reaches for my hand and presses a kiss against my knuckles. He slips a corsage around my wrist and keeps hold of my hand.

  “I’m so sorry we’re late. Jake’s date, Amanda, was running late. Had to get her hair done or some shit like that. Was just getting home when we pulled up, so we had to wait for her to change really quick,” he says, pulling my hand to his mouth again. He’s looking at me with heat in his eyes.

  I blush furiously, suddenly uncomfortable under his gaze. I pull my hand from his grasp and look away. “It’s okay, Campbell. Should we get going? Don’t want to be too late for the dance.”

  He steps back, gesturing toward the door. “After you.”

  I step onto the front porch and he pulls the door shut behind him. The door to the limo flies open and I see Jake poke his head out. “C’mon, dude! We’re gonna be fucking late as hell.”

  We both laugh at this, and it eases some of my tension. They seem to be okay with me going. Maybe this won’t be so bad. I might even make new friends. They might accept me into their group now that Campbell has sort of officially announced we’re seeing each other.

  Campbell is holding the door open for me when the unthinkable happens. An unfamiliar car pulls into the driveway. I can’t see the driver, but the passenger is unmistakable. I quickly jump into the limo, just as I see my mother throwing off her seatbelt and bolting out of the car.

  “Haylee fucking Jordan. What the fuck do you think you’re doing? Get your ass back in that house right this fucking second!” I hear, hoping Campbell will get in and shut the door. He’s looking toward her, a confused look on his face. Unsure if I should I get out and just let them go on their way without me or pull him in and insist the driver take off, I sit and chew on my thumbnail.

  Just as I decide to jump out and shove Campbell inside, I see him raise a hand to my mother. Leaning out, I see his middle finger and an incredibly pissed-off look on his face. He shouts at her to fuck off and jumps in the limo, swinging the door shut behind him. One of the other guys pounds on the glass partition, yelling at the driver to go.

  Everybody is laughing and recounting the event. Campbell accepts fist bumps and high fives all around for telling that bitch off. I know I’m going to get it when I get home. She’ll be furious. But right now, I just don’t care. I lean over and kiss Campbell on the cheek. He slides his arms across my shoulders and pulls me into his side. I sigh, content for the first time in a very long time.

  “You gonna be a gigantic fucking baby the whole time we’re here, Porter? Or are you finally gonna fucking grow a pair and get your ass in gear?”

  My head snaps up, the angry voice jarring me from my thoughts. Joey Roberts is standing at the end of my bed, staring down at me. I’m stretched out across the taut sheets of my bunk, resting after a long day in the field. The irritated look he throws me only adds to the harshness of his voice. I sit up, jamming my feet into my boots.

  “What the fuck are you talking about, Roberts?” I growl at him.

  “I’m talking about you acting like a fucking pussy. Like someone kicked your fucking dog and hurt your little feelings. You’ve been moping and pouting around here all damn week. And I, for one, am sick of seeing it. So get your shit together or we’re gonna have a problem.”

  I stare at him. Joey and I have done two tours in Iraq together, along with Chris and Scott, the other members of our unit. These three men are my brothers. We’ve been to hell and back together. Got the scars and stories to prove it. And like brothers, we’ve had our share of fights. But Joey’s never talked to me like this. Never sounded this angry with me. Except maybe that time he thought I’d fucked his sister. But that was a misunderstanding. I’d never do that to a brother.

  So what the hell is his problem now? We’ve been here ten days already, and today was by far the worst. It’s five hundred fucking degrees outside and we were out there schlepping supplies. So it’s safe to say I’m not in the mood for this shit right now.

  I get up in Joey’s face. “Oh yeah? And what problem would that be? What do you think you’re gonna do, Roberts?”

  He presses his forehead to mine, lips pulled back from his teeth in a snarl. Eye to eye, the tension between us is thick. The others must have felt something was up, because within seconds Chris is there, pulling me back. I try to shake him off, not wanting to back down. But I see Scott behind Joey, pulling him in the opposite direction.

  “What the fuck?” Chris yells, glaring at me.

  “Wasn’t me. Ask him what his goddamn problem is. I was just sitting here, minding my own fucking business, when this asshole started in on me. For no fucking reason.”

  “Bullshit,” Joey says from across the room. “You guys know he’s been out of it the whole time we’ve been here. You’ve said so yourselves. I just took it upon myself to say something. He needs to get his shit together before one of us ends up dead because of it. We’ve been lucky so far. But if he doesn’t start watching his own back, one of us is gonna end up paying because we’re trying to do it for him.”

  I look from Chris to Scott, and then to Joey. What does he mean? They’ve talked about me? When? I know I’ve been a little distracted at times since we got here, but I’d never put them in danger. Surely they know that.

  Chris and Scott look away from my gaze, sheepish expressions crossing their faces. “Chris?” I say. “Scott?” When neither of them will look me in the eye, I know I’ve done something wrong.

  I sit down on my bed, the breath rushing from my lungs. “Shit. I’m sorry, guys. I should’ve never made you feel like I didn’t have your backs. I’m there for you. Always. No matter what.”

  Chris looks at Joey and Scott. Reading something in his expression, the two of them nod and leave the room. Chris makes his way over to me, sitting down next to me on the bed.

  “What’s up, man? You haven’t been yourself lately. And forget Roberts. You know him. Thinks with his ass, not his head. He’s just concerned. We all are. Even Sarge.”

  Shit. Sarge has noticed? I must not be as on it as I thought. I shake my head. “Nothing, man. I’ll get my act together. Heat’s getting to me more this time, I think.”

  Chris cocks an eyebrow at me. “Really?” he says, disbelief obvious in his tone. “I’ve known you since we were kids. You think I can’t tell when something is bothering you? And I’m not talking about the fucking heat,” he says when I try to interrupt.

  I sigh and lay back on my pillow. He’s right. Half the time I think he knows me better than I know myself. The guy always seems to know something’s up before even I do.

  “The night before we left, I all but admitted to Haylee that I had feelings for her. I asked her to write me. Stupid. I knew going into this it would never be anything. I didn’t want it to be anything. But it’s like, the more time I spent with her, the harder it got to remember that. And then that last night, I had to open my big mouth. I told her to write me the next
day. Tell me what she thought. Now I know I scared her off. And I’m halfway across the world, unable to do anything to fix it.”

  “How do you know you scared her off? She say something?”

  “No. That’s the point. If she’d written to me like I asked, I’d have heard something by now. She has my email too. And I’ve got nothing. Radio silence. Nada. Zilch. Haven’t heard a damn word. I screwed up. Big time. What the hell was I thinking, man?”

  Chris is silent. I rub my hands over my face. “I wasn’t. That’s the problem. If I’d been using my brain, I’d never have let it happen. You know that. You know just as well as I do why I don’t want a relationship. You were there. I can’t do that to someone,” I say, sliding my hands down my cheeks, pulling them tight.

  “You’re right. I was. I also know you can’t keep punishing yourself for that. Wasn’t your fault. Wasn’t your dad’s fault. It was shit luck. Fate can be a messed up son of a bitch. Only thing you can do is keep going. Keep living your life.”

  I blow out a breath. “Easy for you to say. Look at your parents. No wonder you and Emma are so blissful.”

  “I got lucky. But you think I don’t have my doubts? I saw what happened to your mom. You think I want that for Emma? Hell no. But I can’t let that fear run my life. And neither can you.”

  I roll over. I’m done talking about it. Chris was there for me throughout those hellish years. But he doesn’t know what it’s like to see someone you love go through that. And the thought of anybody dealing with that because of me…I can’t. I can never put someone through something like that.

  Chris gets to his feet. I can feel his glare searing through the back of my head. He hates when I talk like this. But I can’t help if it’s the truth. He’s just going to have to learn to live with it.

  He throws something at my back. “That came for you today,” he says gruffly as he turns and walks from the room.

  I grab it immediately. My eyes bulge at the return address. I tear into the envelope, anxious to read her words. At the sight of her familiar handwriting, my breath catches. I’m so fucking screwed.