Safe Distance

by Megan Green

  “You don’t understand—”

  Eddie cuts me off before I can finish. “Yes. I do. I lost my wife and it was the hardest damn thing I’ve ever had to go through. You think it wouldn’t have been easier to just drown out that pain? To numb myself against it? Hell yes it would have been. But I couldn’t do that to my kids. And they were all grown and gone by then. They had families of their own. Your mom still had a kid she needed to raise. You call yourself selfish,” he pauses briefly, shaking his head. “The only selfish person I see in that story is your mom.”

  My hackles raise. Even after everything she put me through, I immediately want to defend my mother. But before I can get a word out, Eddie continues.

  “I know she’s your mom. And you love her. So forgive my disrespect. I just can’t stand to see you blame yourself for something that wasn’t your fault. Your mama should’ve been proud of you. Of your decision to fight for your country. There’s nothing more honorable than that. So if anyone should have any regrets for the last few years, it’s her. And believe me, wherever she is in that head of hers, she does. I’ve known you for twenty minutes and I can already tell you’re special, kid.”

  “How?” I croak.

  “Because you’ve been dealt a shit hand in life. No kid should lose his dad at such a young age. And then watch his own mother destroy herself. You should be the most bitter, angry man on the planet. But instead, the moment I insulted your mother, fire came to your eyes and you were ready to tear my head off. You love her, even after everything she’s put you through. That tells me you’re special. You have a tremendous heart.”

  I’m silent for a few moments. The captain comes over the speaker, telling us we’ll be arriving at our destination in the next twenty minutes.

  I look into Eddie’s soft eyes, forgiving him for what he’s said. Because I know he’s right. I still feel guilty for not being there for my mother, but it was her decision. I needed to live my own life. And I do love her. Even after everything. Tears start forming in my eyes again.

  “Oh, c’mon now. Don’t start that up again. I never was good with tears. Just ask my kids.” He laughs.

  I blink back the tears. He’s right. Crying will get me nothing but red eyes and a headache. I need to concentrate on what I’m going to do from here.

  “You got a girl?” He looks at my empty left hand. “Not married, I take it? Someone special waiting for you at home?”

  I blow out a frustrated breath. “That’s the million-dollar question.”

  He raises an eyebrow at my response. “What the hell does that mean?”

  “Haylee.”

  “Haylee? And who’s Haylee?”

  “I met her a few months before I deployed this last time. She’s amazing, Ed. Amazing. She’s sweet. Smart. Gorgeous as all hell. And the best friend I’ve ever had, other than Chris. I know if I allowed myself to feel it, she’d be my epic love. But I can’t risk it.”

  “Well that’s just stupid. How does she feel about you?”

  I lean my head back against the headrest and close my eyes. “That’s the other problem. She told me from the very beginning she can’t be in a relationship. I thought that was great at first. Just a cool chick to hang out with since Chris was so wrapped up in Emma, his girlfriend. But the more I got to know her, the more I liked her. The more I could tell how different she was from any other girl I’d ever met.

  “She has her own damage though. She won’t talk to me about it, but I can tell she’s been hurt. That she still hurts. It infuriates the hell out of me, the thought of someone causing her pain. I want to find whoever it was and pound them into the ground. Then I think that I could someday be the one who hurts her, even unintentionally. No matter how much I love her, I can’t control what happens to me, especially in my line of work. And the thought of being the cause of further hurt to her makes me want to pound myself into the ground. I’ve seen what that can do to a person. I don’t want what happened to my mother to happen to Haylee. No. I can’t. I can’t allow myself to fall for her.”

  I look at Eddie. He’s grinning and looking at me like I’m the dumbest person on the planet. Hell, maybe I am.

  “Do you hear yourself, kid? ‘I can’t allow myself to fall for her.’ Ha. Got news for you, son. There’s no falling left to do. You fell. From the sounds of it, you fell a while ago.”

  I bang my head back against the headrest. I know he’s right. I’ve been lying to myself for months. Thinking if I didn’t admit it in so many words, it wouldn’t be true. But deep down, I’ve known I’ve been in love with her for a while. I started falling the minute I met her.

  “What do I do here, Eddie? I can’t be with her. But how do I live without her? The thought of that hurts even more than the alternative.”

  He looks me squarely in the eye. “I met my wife when we were both twenty-two. I knew the second I laid eyes on her that she was it. It sounds foolish and insane, but I knew that day that she’d be my wife someday. Walked right up to her and introduced myself. We were inseparable from that moment on. Married her exactly one year later. “

  I smile, not sure what this has to with Haylee and me, but there’s an animation in his eyes when he talks about his wife. His eyes sparkle like he actually is twenty-two instead of eighty.

  “We had almost fifty fantastic years together. Raised five beautiful children and had a beautiful home. One day, I was at home when I got a call. It was my wife on the phone, crying hysterically. She couldn’t remember how to get home. She said nothing looked familiar and she didn’t know where she was.

  “Now, I had noticed little things over the past year. She’d forget where her keys were, or an old friend’s name. A few days earlier I had found the iron in the fridge. I chalked it up to her pushing seventy. Nobody’s memory is as sharp at seventy as it is at thirty.

  “But that day when she called, I knew something bigger was happening. I had her describe her surroundings for me, and I instantly recognized where she was. It was only a few blocks from our house. I jumped in my car, keeping her on the phone the entire time. When I pulled up behind her car, she flew out of it and ran to me. I caught her there in the street and just held her. Held her while she sobbed and sobbed into my shirt. She knew it too.

  “Several tests and specialist visits later and we knew for sure. The beginning stages of Alzheimer’s. My wife—my brilliant, beautiful wife—was losing her memory. The doctor went over treatment with us, and the various stages and degrees of the disease. We walked out of the doctor’s office in a daze. On the drive home, Allison was unusually quiet. I remember wondering if she was in shock, possibly. If she had even heard anything the doctor had said. As we pulled into the driveway of our home, she finally broke the silence.

  “‘Why me, Eddie? Why this? Of all the terrible things in this world, why is this the lot that I draw? Slowly losing my mind until I can’t feed myself. Until I’m in diapers. Until I’m a complete burden on you and the kids. How is this fair? What could I have possibly done to deserve this?’

  “Her voice broke on the last word. I pulled her to me, reassuring her that she’d never be a burden. That I loved her no matter what. That I would always love her and be here to help her through anything.”

  It’s Eddie’s turn to wipe his face. The tears are flowing without abandon down his cheeks. He doesn’t seem to mind. Just brushes them off and continues.

  “Those next few years were hard. She’d forget more and more. She started roaming at night, so confused that she didn’t even know what time of day it was. She’d forget the kids were grown with children of their own. She’d call out for our youngest and then panic when he didn’t come running into the room. When the kids and grandkids would visit, she didn’t recognize any of them. Her Robbie was a twelve-year-old boy, not a grown man pushing forty with a twelve-year-old of his own. Those visits became so upsetting to her that we had to end them. I’d meet the kids myself and give them updates. But she couldn’t bear to see them.

  �
��I was the one thing she remembered. No matter how bad her days were, she always remembered me. Always remembered that she loved me. And that I loved her. That was the only reward I needed for enduring the tough days. It made it all worth it.

  “Then one morning I walked into the bedroom after preparing breakfast. She always slept later than me since she was so restless at night. I gently shook her shoulder, trying to raise her before her breakfast got cold. I’d made a special breakfast that morning. It was our fiftieth wedding anniversary.

  “She rolled over and looked at me. She blinked a few times, clearing the sleep from her eyes. Then she started shrieking.”

  Now it’s my turn to put my arm around Eddie’s shoulders and pull him into me. I’m crying with him, the tears falling freely down my face. I don’t even wipe them away. What a spectacle we must be to the others on the plane. But I couldn’t care less.

  “She didn’t remember me, Ryan. She had no clue who I was. She started screaming for her father, a man who’d been dead for twenty years. She yelled at me to get away from her. To get out of her room. Out of her house. It killed me. Something inside me broke that day, and it’s never been repaired. Knowing that the love of my life didn’t recognize me, didn’t know me, I just…broke. I’ve never felt anything even remotely close to that in my entire life. It’s the worst pain I can even imagine. After everything I’d seen in my life—the death, the violence, the wars, all of it—that was the worst pain imaginable. Having my wife look at me and not know me.”

  He pulls himself from my arms this time and puts both hands on my shoulders, looking me square in the eye. “But you know what, Ryan? I’d do it all over again. Even knowing what would eventually happen. Knowing that she’d forget me, forget our children, forget herself. Knowing I’d go from changing baby diapers to changing hers, to feeding her meals and watching her every move. I’d do it all over again, without a second thought. Because that kind of love, it only happens once in your life. And the end may have hurt. But the rest of it was so wonderful. It was worth the pain. So worth it.

  “You need to let that girl make her own decision. Because like I said, you are special. You’re worth any risk or possible heartbreak. And if she’s smart and truly deserves you, she’ll see that too.”

  The captain comes over the intercom again, announcing that we’re beginning our descent. Eddie and I correct ourselves in our seats and buckle up. I reach over and take his hand. “Thank you, Eddie. Thank you for sharing that with me. Allison was a very lucky woman. And I’m a lucky guy for having the opportunity to share this flight with you. Thank you.”

  I squeeze his hand as we touch down. He winks at me again. “You just go get that girl. Don’t make the mistake of being scared. You’re a strong man, Ryan. You deserve to be happy.”

  We step into a room filled with stars. Thousands and thousands of tiny twinkling lights cover every surface of the high school gym. My breath catches. It’s completely unrecognizable. They’ve somehow managed to turn this drab, dreary room into a wonderland. All those lights reflect off scores of crystals hanging from the ceiling, which in turn reflect off the sequins and rhinestones adorning the hundreds of dresses packed onto the dance floor. The effect is mesmerizing. Magical.

  Campbell takes my hand and loops my arm through his. I can feel everybody’s eyes turn to us. Hear their whispers as we pass. I look down at the floor, uncomfortable under their scrutiny.

  Campbell’s hand comes up to my face, lifting my gaze to his. “You’re gorgeous, babe. Anything they’re saying is out of pure jealousy. Trust me.”

  And I do. The smile that spreads across my face is so wide it almost hurts. He escorts me over to a table where the girls in our group deposit jackets and handbags before being whisked off by their dates to the dance floor. I follow suit, and Campbell twirls me around as soon as my bag hits the table.

  “I, um. I can’t dance,” I murmur as he leads me to the middle of the floor. The light reflects off his face, his eyes glittering.

  “S’okay. Neither can I. You just saw the extent of my dance moves,” he says, spinning me around once more before pulling me against him and locking his arms around my waist. “Just put your arms around me. We’ll figure it out.” He winks.

  That I can do. I slide my arms up around his shoulders and clasp my hands behind his neck. Laying my head against his chest, he rests his chin on top of my head and we sway, back and forth, letting the music set our tempo. I can hear the soft thump of his heart beating beneath his shirt. He presses a kiss to the top of my head and I sigh. This entire night is so surreal. I don’t want it to ever end.

  We dance for a few songs before making our way back to our table. Several of his friends are already there, and the girls immediately include me in their conversation, asking where I got my dress, who did my hair, and all those other details girls find so important. There’s no awkwardness between us. It’s as if they haven’t spent the last seventeen years of my life completely ignoring me. I suddenly matter to them.

  I look over at Campbell, laughing and joking with his friends. He meets my eyes and winks at me again. I can’t tear my eyes away from him. He’s so gorgeous. And he’s here with me.

  After about an hour, the guys announce they’re bored and they’re ready to go. One last dance and then we all pile into the limo. Looking at the clock in the car, I see that it’s not even ten yet. I thought we’d be out much later than this. I’m not ready to go home.

  Jake bangs on the window until the driver rolls it down. He passes him a piece of paper. “That’s where we’re headed.” The driver nods, rolling the window back up and starting the car. We pull out of the parking lot and everybody talks excitedly.

  “What time do you need to be home?” Campbell asks me.

  I look at him in confusion. “Aren’t we going home now?”

  He laughs. “Jake’s parents are out of town. We’re going to his house for the after party. Best part of prom. Trust me.” He winks again.

  The second he mentions Jake’s place, I feel uneasy. But that damn wink is my kryptonite. I can’t say no to that. So instead, I nod slightly and turn to face the window. I bite my lip, trying to tamp down my nerves. It’s just a party. Kids my age do this every weekend. It’s about time I experienced it for myself.

  Thirty minutes later we pull up outside a massive house. All eight of us pile out of the limo, the guys already rowdy, whooping and hollering, jumping on each other’s backs as we make our way inside. Their foolishness makes me smile. They’re just a bunch of kids, like me. This won’t be so bad. It might even be fun.

  Jake heads to the stereo as soon as we walk inside. He blasts some music while the girls all disappear down the hall. Several minutes later they return, changed into their normal clothes. The guys lose their jackets and ties, their button-downs coming off to reveal the white undershirts beneath them. I wish Campbell had given me a heads up. I don’t want to be the only one here in my poofy dress.

  Within minutes, dozens of others start showing up, and I’m no longer the only one still in formal wear. Campbell keeps me close to his side the whole night. I stay quiet, taking in the debauchery around me. Everywhere I look, people are pairing off, disappearing upstairs, into bathrooms, and some just going at each other right there. It makes me feel a little uncomfortable, but Campbell’s easiness and smile keep me from feeling too out of place.

  He offers me a drink, which I decline. I’ve seen the effects of alcohol first hand, and it’s not something I want to take part in. He grabs a few for himself. Before long, his eyes are glazed over and I can tell he has a pretty nice buzz going. But he’s still his usual, charming self, so I relax a little and just let him enjoy himself.

  Jake’s date, Amanda, scoots in next to me when Jake and Campbell disappear. They’ve challenged each other to jump in the pool, even though it’s still March and chilly outside. A bunch of people follow them outside, wanting to watch them one-up each other in their drunken state. Amanda and I are left alone on
the couch, a few stragglers left behind but nobody paying any attention to us.

  “I’m glad you came tonight, Haylee. You seem cool. Don’t let these morons scare you away. They’re a bit…worked up tonight. We’re usually a little more low key when we get together.”

  I laugh. “You mean they aren’t jumping into pools and drinking themselves into oblivion every night?”

  “Well…” She gives a wry smile. “Jake and Campbell are a bit nuts around each other. But it makes for a good laugh. They’re not usually quite this bad though.”

  We laugh together and continue to talk until everyone comes back inside. Turns out Amanda and I have a lot in common. I’ve always thought she seemed nice, especially for a popular girl, but she’s sweeter than I imagined. I hope we’ll end up being friends.

  Jake comes storming back in, completely drenched. The look on his face clearly states that Campbell won their little diving competition. He pulls Amanda up off the couch, kissing her deeply in front of everyone. Apparently his ego needs a little stroking.

  Amanda turns and gives me a little wave as she follows him up the stairs. He hoists her over his shoulder and smacks her on the ass. Her yelp and giggle ring through the room. I laugh softly to myself. Looking around for Campbell, I see him surrounded by people, all clapping him on the shoulder and regaling his amazing pool skills. He soaks it in. I figure I have to get used to this if I’m actually going to date him. He’s the golden boy around here.

  A guy I’ve never seen plops down next to me. “You’re here with Campbell, right?”

  Hesitantly, I nod. He looks away, nodding to himself. “Cool, cool. Any friend of Campbell’s is a friend of mine.” He hands me one of the two plastic cups in his hand. I still don’t recognize him, but not wanting to offend a friend of Campbell’s, I take it. I don’t have to actually drink it.