Safe Distance

by Megan Green

  “I would have loved to have met him. See where you get all your charm and good looks from.” She nudges me with her shoulder, eliciting a small smile from my lips.

  “You would have loved him. Everybody did. He was impossible to resist.”

  “Well, you definitely inherited that trait.” She winks at me.

  I wrap my arms more tightly around her. As hard as it is, seeing my mother lying there in that bed, it is made infinitely better by having Haylee here with me. How stupid was I to think I’d never need someone like her in my life? That my life would be so much better and easier if I kept everyone at arm’s length. I hate the idea of hurting Haylee, but I hate the idea of letting her go even more. She’s worked her way into my hardened heart. And there’s no way I’ll ever be able to get her out of it.

  Three hours later, Haylee and I are on our way back to my house. Haylee is tucked behind the wheel, her eyes focused on the dark road before us. My head is still in that hospital room, spinning around and around the conversation with my mother’s doctor. The words I’d been dreading finally spoken aloud.

  A nurse came into the room shortly after my tears ran dry. Seeing Haylee and me there, she quickly retreated to locate the doctor. Within minutes, a tall, dark-haired man entered the room.

  “I’m Dr. Cooper,” he says, reaching to shake my hand. I limply place it in his, unable to meet his gaze. If he notices though, he doesn’t mention it. “I’ve been overseeing your mother’s care for the past few days. I’m glad you’re finally here. I know how hard this must be, but we have some important things to discuss. Would you like to go somewhere to discuss this privately?” he asks, looking at Haylee.

  I shake my head. “Anything you need to say can be said in front of her,” I say meekly.

  He nods. “I was under the impression you were single. Your mother only had you listed as her immediate family. I’m sorry for the mix-up.”

  I don’t correct his assumption. I glance at Haylee and see something in her eyes, but she doesn’t speak up to set him straight either. I look back toward the doctor. Taking a deep breath, I finally raise my eyes to his.

  If the word doctor had a picture next to it in the dictionary, this man would be it. His thick dark hair is touched with gray. His eyes are soft. Soothing. The lines of his face indicate the years of experience he has. The laugh lines around his eyes from the happy times. The deep lines around his mouth from the bad. The latter are the lines that deepen when I look at him. His soothing eyes are filled with sorrow.

  Haylee is at my side in a moment, pulling my hand into hers. She must read the remorse in his expression as well.

  “Your mother’s situation is critical. She was brought into the hospital completely unresponsive. We did everything we could. But there’s been no sign of brain activity in days. The ventilator and feeding tube are the only things keeping her alive at this point. I’m so sorry. But it’s time to discuss the options.” His brows pull together and he looks from me to Haylee.

  No brain activity. Keeping her alive. Discuss the options.

  I press my fingers into my temples, squeezing my eyes closed, trying to silence the words as they echo over and over again in my head. Haylee guides me to the couch in the corner of the room, and Dr. Cooper follows, pulling a chair to sit facing us.

  Words fly at me. Living will. Power of attorney. Organ donation. I don’t want to listen to them. I just got here. I’m not ready to deal with this yet. Haylee runs her fingers up and down my back, her attention firmly on the doctor and the words he’s saying. I tune them out. I’m not ready to hear them.

  After a few minutes, Dr. Cooper stands and extends his hand to me again. I force myself to shake it a little more firmly this time. He nods to Haylee before leaving the room.

  When we’re alone, I pull Haylee into my arms and bury my face in her hair. She holds me for a minute before pulling back. The question is there in her eyes. All I can do is shake my head.

  “I know it’s sudden, Ryan. You just got here and they’re bombarding you with all these big decisions. You don’t have to decide anything yet. But you also can’t just ignore it. It’s not going to go away. Pretending it doesn’t exist isn’t going to make it go away.”

  “Do you think I don’t know that?” I respond gruffly. “I’ve lost more fucking people than I care to think about. You think I don’t know how this works?” I all but yell at her. She flinches at my tone. The hurt in her eyes is evident only for a moment before she covers it. But it was there. Fuck. I’m an asshole.

  “I’m sorry,” I say, burying my head in my hands again. I can feel the tears starting to well behind my eyes again. I’m losing it. Taking it out on the one person who’s here for me. The girl who has been through some awful shit in her own life. So awful it’s caused her not to trust anybody. And when she finally starts to open herself up to me, I act like this.

  “I’m sorry,” I repeat. “I’m so sorry. My head is all messed up. I can’t fucking think straight. It wasn’t fair of me to lash out at you.”

  She leans into me. “It’s okay.”

  It’s not, but I don’t have it in me to argue with her. I’m too exhausted. I’ll make it up to her later.

  She sits with me for the next few hours while I tell her stories about my mom and dad. I tell her about my dad’s service and how I wanted to be just like him when I grew up. I tell her about my mother’s love for him and for me and my brother. How she was the glue that held us all together. And I tell her about Noah. About how much I looked up to him. And how no matter how much I tormented and pestered him, he was always there to defend me against anyone who tried to mess with me.

  I talk until the words run out. Until my voice is hoarse and I can’t go on. My eyes start to drift shut when Haylee nudges me.

  “Let’s get you home. You need some rest.”

  I nod, stretching as I stand. I walk over to my mother’s bedside and gently kiss her cheek. “I’ll be back in the morning, mom.”

  Now, in the car with Haylee, I’m wide awake. Haylee drives carefully to my house, seemingly trying to make up for breaking every traffic law in the book earlier today. It’s late and there aren’t many cars on the road, but she doesn’t go an inch above the speed limit and signals every turn and lane change. Her carefulness makes me smile.

  We pull up in front of my house and Haylee kills the engine. “Do you want me to help you get settled?”

  I nod, knowing I’m not going to let her leave tonight. I don’t want to be alone.

  Walking into my empty house after being gone so long is always strange. It’s home, but it feels foreign somehow. Everything is in its place. Chris has had Emma come over every so often to keep it tidy. And I know she’s stayed here a few times since we’ve left. He says she tells him it makes her feel closer to him.

  But still, after being gone for several months, it feels different. I take in the familiar surroundings, feeling like an intruder in my own home. Where is the sand? The meager furnishings. The dilapidated buildings. The sound of gunfire that seems to be ever present in my other life. Now that I’m here, my thoughts return to Iraq.

  The guilt that rises in my chest this time is for my troop, not my mother. I’ve left them shorthanded. I’m here, in my safe, clean home, while they’re still over there. God only knows what they’re doing right now. I’m suddenly desperate to return.

  Haylee headed straight for the bathroom when I opened the door. Now, returning to the living room, she sees me standing in the middle of the room. I can only imagine the look I must have on my face, because her eyes fill with concern.

  “You okay?”

  I look away from her. “Not really,” I say honestly.

  She walks to me, stopping right before me and gazing into my eyes. “You will be.” She sounds so certain. I can’t help the small smile that tugs on my lips.

  “I will be,” I repeat.

  She walks with me to my room and helps me get ready for bed. As I lay down, she moves toward the
door. “Don’t go.”

  She turns and looks at me, uncertainty filling her eyes. “Please. Just stay with me tonight. If you leave, all I’ll be able to think about is her in that bed. With all those tubes and wires coming out of her. And the sound of those damn machines. I won’t get an ounce of sleep.”

  I know I’m being shitty. Guilting her into something she’s not sure of. But I can’t bring myself to care. I need her with me tonight.

  I throw the covers back and gesture for her to join me.

  “Ryan, I can’t—”

  “I know. I’m not asking for that. I just need you. To hold you. To remember that one part of my life isn’t completely fucked up. I promise I won’t try anything. You have my word.”

  She still looks dubious. I give her my most pleading look and I see the resignation when it fills her eyes. It should make me feel terrible, but all I feel is relief.

  She walks to my dresser and removes a pair of my boxers and a large t-shirt. She quickly changes in the bathroom and returns. My eyes take her in as she walks to the edge of the bed. My clothes are huge on her, but I’ve never seen a more beautiful sight in my life.

  She lies down next to me, pulling the blankets up to her chin. Her body is stiff. I feel my first flash of remorse. I shouldn’t have forced her to do this. Her discomfort is palpable. Her breaths are so quick and shallow that I fear she’s about to start crying. Trying to think of anything to break the tension, I blurt out, “Does Barry Manilow know that you raid his wardrobe?”

  I feel the tension leave her body at my reference to The Breakfast Club. Her laughter bubbles up slowly and she scoffs. “At least Barry Manilow’s clothes would fit better. I’m swimming in your gigantic shirt. It looks like a dress on me.”

  A very sexy dress. I decide to keep that thought to myself, laughing lightly instead. “That’s because Barry Manilow is practically a woman. Of course his clothes would fit you.”

  She snuggles a little closer to me. “You’re so mean. He’s a very talented man. You’re just jealous.”

  “Jealous. Right,” I say, my tone making it very clear just how jealous I am. I have the most gorgeous girl in the world in my bed. I have nothing to be jealous of. Nothing.

  Her arms are still to her sides, but at least she isn’t on the edge of the bed anymore. I roll over onto my side, crooking my arm up under my head. She repeats the motion so she’s facing me.

  In just the dim light of the moon, she’s stunning. Yes, the tip of her nose is slightly crooked. And there’s a scar near her eyebrow from some unknown injury. Her eyes are a little wide set and she has a scattering of freckles across the bridge of her nose. But all these “flaws” only make her more beautiful in my eyes. It takes everything in me not to reach out and run my hand down her face.

  She smiles at me. “What are you thinking about?”

  Dangerous territory. I try to think of a safe response before answering. She misinterprets my silence for sadness.

  “I’m sorry about your mom,” she says. “I can’t imagine what that must feel like. I’ve never really had a relationship with mine. It must be so hard seeing someone you love like that.”

  I remain silent, hoping she’ll continue. She never brings her mom up willingly. I’m so desperate to know more about her past. To know what made her who she is today. To know this woman I’ve fallen for. But after a few moments of silence, I know that’s all I’m going to get tonight.

  I link my fingers with hers. She tenses for a moment but quickly relaxes again. “Thanks for staying with me tonight.”

  She smiles. “Of course. You’re my best friend. I couldn’t leave you to deal with this alone.”

  I smile back at her. If best friend is all she can give me, then that’s what I’ll take. She gently closes her eyes, leaving her hand in mine. Her contented sigh is the last thing I hear as I drift off to sleep myself.

  The next morning dawns way too early. The sun blazes through my window, shining directly into my face. I pull my pillow over my head. Why did I pick the damn room with the east-facing window?

  I hear a gentle groan next to me. I yank the pillow from my face, seeing Haylee still lying next to me. In my sleepy haze, I’d forgotten last night.

  Seeing her next to me, rumpled from sleep and looking grumpy as hell, she’s just about the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. She’s glaring at me with one eye open. I laugh at her expression. “Good morning, sunshine. How’d you sleep?”

  She grumbles under her breath, rolling over and pulling the covers over her head. I lean over her, trying to peek at her under the covers.

  “I’ve gotta get going. You can stay here if you’d like. I’ll just need to move your car so I can get out of the driveway.”

  She jolts up. “Oh my god. I’m so sorry. We need to get back to the hospital. Let me just jump in the shower really quick. Ten minutes.”

  Relief spreads through me at her use of the word we. After last night, I didn’t know what to expect today. I wouldn’t have tried to persuade her to come with me today, no matter how badly I wanted her there. Not after the way I acted last night. Her offering to come with me without my even asking her is a huge comfort. I quickly pull on some clothes and run my fingers through my hair. That’s as good as it’s going to get for now.

  While she’s in the shower, I head to Chris’s room, hoping maybe Emma left some clothes here. I know Haylee won’t want to wear the same dress she was in yesterday, but she also won’t want to take the time to go to her place to change.

  I find a pair of yoga pants and a loose-fitting t-shirt. I knock on the bathroom door when I hear the water turn off.

  “Yeah?” she calls.

  “Found some clothes for you in Chris’s room. Emma left them.”

  She cracks the door and sticks her hand out. I place the clothes in her open palm, laughing as she maneuvers her arm inside and closes the door without the slightest risk of letting me see anything. Not that I’d look. Probably.

  Within minutes she’s out in the living room, wet hair combed straight. “You ready?”

  I nod my assent and we head to her car. She tosses me the keys. “You drive.”

  Twenty minutes later we pull into the hospital parking lot for the second time in as many days. She moves to open her door, but my words stop her.

  “What should I do?”

  She gives me a sad look. “I don’t know. She’s gone, Ryan. Those machines are only keeping her body alive. The woman you know isn’t in there anymore.”

  “The woman I know hasn’t been in there for a long time,” I murmur. Haylee’s hand closes around mine.

  “She’s been miserable for a long time,” I continue. “And I know she’d hate being hooked up to those machines. As much as I want to keep her here with me, I know I can’t. I need to let her go. To let her be with them now.”

  She squeezes my hand gently. “I’ll be here with you every step of the way.”

  With her reassurance, I’m able to get out of the car and walk into the hospital. When I tell the doctor what I’ve decided, he arranges for me to meet with the hospital social worker to get all the details squared away.

  The next few hours pass in a blur of tears. Haylee never wavers from my side. She’s resolute in her promise and is there for me for every step. After signing everything, it’s determined that they’ll turn off her machines tomorrow morning. I’m given permission to spend the night in her hospital room. Despite all my objections, Haylee isn’t.

  When the nurses insist she leave, she hugs me close to her, assuring me she’ll be back the second visiting hours start in the morning. She tells me to call no matter what time it is if I need anything at all. She’ll keep her phone with her at all times.

  After she’s gone, I feel lost. I’m not sure what to do with myself. I pull a chair up to my mother’s bedside and take her hand in mine. Her fingers feel so lifeless in mine. Her skin is so cold. She looks so frail and tiny in that hospital bed. As much as it hurts, I know that I’ve made t
he right decision.

  “I love you, Mom. And I’ll miss you.” Tears fill my eyes, threatening to spill over onto my cheeks. “I want you to know that I forgive you. For everything. I hated what you became. Hated that you couldn’t be there for me after Dad died.” I rub my hands harshly over my eyes, wiping away the tears that are now falling freely. “I wish you could have been stronger for me. But I get it now. The thought of losing Haylee makes me go insane. When you love someone so completely, it’s like you become part of them. And if that person dies, there’s nothing you can do to keep that part of you from dying with them.

  “You didn’t just give part of yourself to Dad. You gave everything. You didn’t just lose part of yourself when he died. You lost everything. And then losing Noah on top of that…” I trail off, shaking my head and squeezing her hand tightly. “Well, it’s a wonder you were able to continue breathing for as long as you did. I know you must have loved me to hang on at all. So I forgive you. And I hope you can finally find peace.

  I lean over and gently press my lips to her hand. I selfishly hope for some sign of life. A small twitch of her fingers. Anything to prove that the doctors are wrong. But nothing happens. She’s not in there anymore.

  Determined to spend our final hours together in happiness, I turn my chair toward the television mounted on the wall. I grab the remote, hitting the power button and flipping through the channels. As if the television gods have heard me, I find reruns of I Love Lucy on one of the channels. This was always my mother’s favorite show.

  The marathon runs all night. I sit next to her on the bed, holding her hand in mine, laughing and commenting on every funny situation Lucy and Ethel manage to get themselves into. Before I know it, the sun is rising and light floods the room.

  Looking at the clock, I know I only have a few hours left. I’m not ready to let her go. I scoot down in the bed, laying my head on her chest. I tuck my arm across her stomach and squeeze her to me. It reminds me of climbing into her bed after having a nightmare when I was a kid. Of course, then I’d have felt her arms circling back around me. I’d feel the gentle vibrations of her voice against my ear. The soothing feeling of her fingernails trailing up and down my back, soothing my frightened nerves. Instead, I feel nothing but her cold form beneath me.