by Megan Green
He looks sad. “Jesus, Hay. I had no idea. I knew you said your mom was difficult. I had no idea you practically had to raise yourself.”
I snort. “You don’t know the half of it. There’s no practically about it. But that’s a discussion for another day,” I say, jumping up from my seat and grabbing his hand. “C’mon. Let’s go see some monkeys.”
He follows willingly, but the sad look remains on his face. I hate that I’ve put a damper on the day, so I do everything I can to cheer him back up. I make a complete fool of myself in front of the apes, mimicking their behavior and picking at Ryan’s hair. Everybody around me looks at me like I’ve lost my mind, but Ryan’s smile returns, so it’s all worth it. He joins in, and we act like idiots in front of everyone until we’re clutching at our sides from laughing so hard.
The final stop in the monkey exhibit is the gorilla. I marvel at the massive size of him. I’m staring at him, watching him move around his habitat with an almost graceful ease, when I hear Ryan ask someone to take our picture. He joins me and I turn to smile at the camera, the giant monkey in the picture behind us. It isn’t until the man hands Ryan’s phone back to him that I actually see his face. My stomach bottoms out.
A knowing grin spreads across the man’s face. “Holy shit. Haylee fucking Jordan. Been a long time.”
Ryan looks from me to the man before us, confusion clear on his face. “Do you know him?” he asks me.
“Oh yeah, she knows me,” Tyler laughs. “Boy, does she know me.” The floor beneath my feet starts to rotate, the room whirling around me. A cold sweat breaks out across my skin and my breathing halts. My fingers and toes start to tingle, my vision darkening with every passing second. I need to get out of here. Frantically, I search for an exit, but there are so many people. Too many people. There’s no way I’ll make it out of here on my own. I cling to Ryan, relying on him to keep me upright.
In the back of my mind I hear Ryan’s voice. “I think you’d better leave,” he says to Tyler. He pulls me protectively under his arm and my arms wrap around his waist, desperate for something to keep me grounded. His arms wrap around me, turning me away from Tyler’s gaze. I suck in a breath, trying to calm my racing heart.
Tyler steps closer to us, his answering laugh sinister. He lowers his voice as he speaks. “Oh please. Don’t tell me she’s fooled you with her sweet and innocent act. She likes to pretend she’s this pure little good girl. But we both know that couldn’t be further from the truth. Isn’t that right, Haylee?” He winks, giving me another leering look.
Before I know what’s happening, Ryan disappears from my side. I stumble, the floor still unsteady under my feet. I crouch down, putting my head between my knees, breathing in and out as slowly and deeply as I can, trying to stave off my impending panic. I’m only on breath number two when I hear a loud crash.
My head whips up. The room spins again before I’m able to focus on what’s happening in front of me. Ryan has Tyler pushed up against the glass front of the cage, the stand of brochures that had been there now scattered across the floor. He presses his forearm into Tyler’s throat, effectively cutting off his oxygen. A woman standing near them hurries her son out of the room. I hear concerned voices around me, nobody certain about what to do with the scene that has broken out before them.
“Say one more word. C’mon. Say it,” he growls, his face just inches away from Tyler’s. He pushes into him harder and Tyler chokes out a strangled cry. “Not so fucking tough now, are you? Takes a big man to intimidate a woman like that, right? You fucking coward.” He slams Tyler’s head back against the glass, a crack ringing out across the room. The people around us are openly staring now, shock and fright clear on their faces. Though his back is turned, Ryan seems to sense the growing unease around him, and he finally releases his hold. Tyler slumps to the floor, his hands immediately coming up to his neck.
Ryan crouches down next to him, yanking his head up by his hair. He lowers his voice so much I have trouble making out his words. “You stay the fuck away from her, you hear me?” With that, he shoves Tyler back again and returns to my side. He lifts me up off the floor, hugging me against his side fiercely.
“Let’s go.”
Haylee leans on me the entire way back to my car, her face buried in the crook of my neck. I guide her through the throngs of people, making sure nobody touches her or even so much as looks at her the wrong way. I buckle her in when we reach my car, my movements so slow and gentle you’d think she was made of fractured glass. I rush around the car and hop into the driver’s seat, wanting to get her away from here as fast as I can.
I turn in the direction of my house when she objects. “No, I want to go home.” Her voice is so small it breaks my heart. I have no idea who that asshole was, but I absolutely hate him for reducing her to this. She sounds so fragile. So wounded. So utterly broken.
I flip the car around and head toward her apartment. She doesn’t speak the whole way there, and I let her have her silence. When I pull up in front of her place, she leaps from the car, not giving me so much as a backwards glance. I don’t fucking think so. I jump out of the car after her. “Haylee,” I call out as I chase her up the stairs. “Wait.”
She reaches her door and fumbles her keys, her quivering fingers unable to fit the right key into the lock. I’m grateful for that small favor; otherwise she’d have slammed the door in my face and locked me out. I come up behind her and place my hands against the door on either side of her, caging her in. She spins around, fear evident in her eyes.
I drop my hands, my heart breaking. “Shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t think. I’m not going to hurt you…” I trail off. “Please. Just tell me what happened. Or don’t. I don’t care. Just let me hold you. Don’t run away from me again.”
She crumples in my arms, tears running down her face. I hold her steady with one arm, reaching behind her to unlock the door with the other. I guide her inside and kick the door shut behind me. Leading her to the couch, I pull her onto my lap and hold her tightly. After a few minutes, her tears wind down and she sniffles. I lift her chin up with my fingers, bringing her eyes to mine. The sadness and heartache I see in them completely shatters me. “Who was that?” I ask quietly.
Her eyes close and she’s silent for so long I don’t think she’s going to answer me. She sucks in a deep breath, holding it for several seconds before exhaling it all in a whoosh.
“Tyler,” she says, not elaborating but hatred clearly evident in her voice. I wait for several seconds before prompting her.
“And Tyler is?”
She squeezes her eyes shut so tightly it looks like she’s in a tremendous amount of physical pain. I’m about to tell her to forget about it, that I don’t need to know if it’s going to cause her this much hurt, when she finally continues.
“My rapist.”
What. The. Fuck? The fury that unleashes in my head is so powerful that it nearly blinds me. My entire body goes rigid. The urge to find that son of a bitch and finish what I started overwhelms me. The only thing preventing me from leaving this room and doing exactly that is Haylee. The wounded look on her face as she curls into herself makes my heart ache.
“He raped you?” I manage to croak out, needing to make sure I heard her correctly. She nods against my chest.
“When?” I bark out.
“It was a long time ago. High school. I’m fine. Really. I just didn’t expect to see him today.”
She doesn’t sound fine. Not in the slightest. Torn between needing to know all the details so I can murder this bastard thoroughly and not wanting to hear another word, I finally clip out, “What happened?”
She slides off my lap, once again curling her body protectively around itself. When I reach for her, she shakes her head and slides even farther down the couch. I drop my hand, giving her space.
“It was after prom. I went with one of his friends, Campbell. I didn’t have many friends in high school. I never even expected to be asked to prom, but Campbell
had taken an interest in me for some reason.”
I knew exactly what that reason was. Haylee was gorgeous. I found it hard to believe she didn’t have friends in high school. If she’d gone to my school, she would have had to beat the boys off with a stick.
“After prom,” she continues, “we all went to Campbell’s friend Jake’s house. Someone put something in my drink. I don’t remember anything after that until the next morning, when I woke up on my back porch in my torn prom dress. Campbell had dumped me there…after.”
My blood boils. I wouldn’t be surprised if she could feel the heat radiating off me from where she’s sitting. I don’t trust myself to speak. Instead, I stare at her, waiting for her to go on.
“I knew something had happened. I was sore and my dress was torn. But I didn’t dare say anything. To anyone. My mom wouldn’t have done anything anyway,” she says with a sad shake of her head. I add her mom to the list of people I want to injure.
“I decided I’d just let it go. I was scared and hurt, but I couldn’t actually remember anything, so I thought I’d be able to put it all behind me and move on with my life. I’d be graduating in a few months, so I’d move as far away from these guys as possible. Nobody would ever even have to know.
“But as soon as I walked into school on Monday, I knew that wasn’t going to happen. Everybody laughed and snickered at me from behind their phones, leaning over to show the person next to them what they were looking at. By second period, the rumors were everywhere. There were pictures. Lots of pictures. All of me. And several different guys.”
I push up off the couch, unable to contain the frenzy building inside me. I need to do something to let it out. I stalk across the room, picking up the first thing my hands come in contact with and smash it to the ground. “Fuck!” I yell at the top of my lungs.
Haylee yelps behind me. I whirl around. The fear in her eyes has returned.
I rush to her, dropping to my knees in front of her. Her bottom lip trembles when she looks at me. I take her hands in mine. “I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so fucking sorry.”
She nods, her lips pursed together. She looks down at the floor, unwilling to meet my eyes.
“Do you want to tell me the rest?”
She shakes her head. “Not really. But I guess I should.” She glances up at me, giving me the world’s saddest smile. My heart breaks all over again. I slide next to her on the couch, keeping her hands in mine.
“The next few months were hell. Every day, people would find new ways to torment me. Pictures, graffiti, notes…you name it. Campbell wasn’t involved. I don’t even know who they all were. They were careful to keep their faces out of the pictures. Tyler was the only one brazen enough to admit to being one of them. But Campbell had a small tattoo on his shoulder blade. None of the guys in the pictures did. So I know he didn’t do it. Even still, he knew the truth. And he still let them torment me. He could’ve stopped it. And he did nothing. That was what hurt most of all.”
I don’t consider myself a very violent person. I have a violent job. And I do what I have to do. But in everyday life, I’m definitely more of a lover than a fighter. But I’ve never wanted to kill anyone as much as I do right now. Every single one of those motherfuckers who touched her, bullied her, tormented her. I want them all dead.
“Amanda was the only one who believed me. She was actually there that night. She came into the room where they had me and raised hell. If it weren’t for her, who knows how far they would’ve taken it. And through all the aftermath, she was the only one who stood by my side. She begged me to go to the police, but I was adamant. I just wanted to put it all behind me. I hoped if I kept quiet about it, things would eventually die down. But instead, she ended up enduring the harassment right alongside me. Everyone else at the party that night said I was a willing participant. No matter how much Amanda defended me, nobody believed her. They just accused her of trying to destroy the lives of some of the most popular boys in the school.
“Just a few weeks shy of graduation; I decided I just couldn’t take it anymore. The weeks and weeks of misery finally culminated when I came home and found my mother waiting for me on the couch. The word whore had been spray painted across our driveway. My mom threw a stack of pictures in my face. I didn’t have to look at them to know what they were. She came at me, venom seeping from her eyes.
“She pulled me to the ground by my hair, kicking me hard in the stomach as soon as my knees hit the floor. She kicked me over and over, accusing me of embarrassing her, calling me a whore, a slut, a cunt…whatever she could think of. I finally blacked out. When I woke up, I could barely move from the pain. My mom was passed out drunk on the couch. I crawled to the bathroom, pulling myself up on the vanity. When I looked in the mirror, all I saw were those names. I was everything my mother called me. Everything the kids at school accused me of being. I hated what I saw. I didn’t deserve to live.”
Her voice breaks off and I exhale. Until that point I hadn’t realized I’d been holding my breath. She looks at me with tears in her eyes.
“I took an entire bottle of Percocet. My mom kept them stashed around the house, and I found one under the bathroom sink. I sat down on the floor and swallowed them all, one by one. I remember hearing my phone ringing in my back pocket as I drifted off. But I was too far gone to even attempt to look at it.
“Amanda says she knew something was wrong. When I didn’t answer, she came straight to my house. When nobody answered the door, she forced her way in. Seeing my mom passed out on the couch and blood on the carpet in front of her, she ran through the house, calling my name. She found me on the bathroom floor, unconscious and barely breathing. The doctors said if she’d been even five minutes later, it would’ve been too late. As it was, they were able to pump my stomach before too much damage was done—physically, at least,” she says with a false laugh.
I shake my head. “That’s not funny.”
She nods. “I know. But I either have to laugh or cry. And I’m pretty sure I don’t have any tears left.”
I take her face in my hands, forcing her to look at me. “I am so glad Amanda got there in time. So, so glad,” I whisper as I press my lips to her forehead.
“Sometimes I wonder if it would’ve been better if she hadn’t,” she says, so softly I can barely hear her.
My chest cracks wide open at her words. The thought of her not being here makes me feel like I can’t breathe. I pull my head back just enough so she can see my entire face. I keep my hands on either side of her face. “Don’t you ever say that again. You’re here for a reason, Haylee Jordan. Do you hear me? There’s a reason Amanda got to you when she did. A reason she came to your house after one unanswered phone call. You weren’t meant to die that day. You were meant to be here. With me.”
She bites her lip, her eyes coming back up to meet mine. She doesn’t acknowledge my words. She just takes a deep breath and continues her story. “After that, Amanda made sure I got the help I needed. She drove me to all my therapy appointments. We both already had plans to attend the same college. So after graduation we moved in together, and she’s been my constant companion ever since. I feel so guilty for dragging her down with me. She’s the kindest, most generous person I’ve ever met. And she got saddled with me as a best friend.”
She turns her face away from mine, trying to hide her tears. I press my lips to her cheeks this time, kissing away the tears as they fall. She looks up at me from under her wet lashes. My feelings suddenly overwhelm me.
“I love you, Haylee,” I say before I can stop myself. After the words come out, I realize I’ve never spoken four truer words in my life. This girl walked into my life completely unexpected. And now, I can’t imagine my life without her. I don’t know what I was doing before her. Surviving. Subsisting. Scraping by. Whatever it was, it wasn’t living. Not compared to this. Nothing compares to the feelings I get when I’m with Haylee. My heart feels complete for the first time in a long time. For the first time since the n
ight my father died.
She gasps at my admission. Before she has too much time to think about my words, I pull her face to mine, my lips crashing down on hers. Her body reacts instantly. Her arms wrap around me and she crushes me against her. Our hands are a flurry of movement, taking in as much of each other as possible. She tugs at my shirt, breaking our kiss briefly as she yanks it over my head.
Deep down, I know I should stop this. After what she just admitted to me, this is the last thing she needs. She deserves more. Flowers, candles, romance, all that shit. But the desperation in her movements prevents me from doing anything. If she wants to use me, if this will help her with whatever pain she’s feeling, then I’m all hers. I’ve been hers from the start.
She makes quick work of my clothes, and before I know it, we’re pressed together on her couch, skin to skin. She kisses me deeply, her hands trailing down my stomach to find my hard length.
“Wait,” I gasp, grabbing her hand. “We don’t have to do this.”
Her eyes plead with mine. “Please, Ryan. I need this. I need you to replace those memories. Even if only for one night.”
I squeeze my eyes shut, hating those words. “No. If we do this, it’s so you know that I love you. I want you to know how beautiful you are. How much I cherish you. That no woman has ever made me feel this way before. I want you to feel loved, worshiped, treasured, adored. Because Haylee, no woman on Earth is more deserving of those feelings than you.”
She crashes her lips back to mine, effectively cutting off my words. The desperation is gone from her kiss. This feels like her kiss from last night. Nothing standing between us. Just Haylee and me. I tear my lips from hers one last time, my eyes entreating hers. “Are you sure?”
She nods and covers my mouth with hers again. Slowly, I push myself inside her. She stills momentarily, and I watch her face for any sign of doubt. She squeezes her eyes tight in a wince. I start to pull out of her when she clutches at me.
“No. Don’t stop. Just give me a second to get used to it.”
