by Megan Green
I hold completely still, terrified of hurting her. When she opens her eyes, there’s no trace of fear or pain. She smiles at me. “Make love to me, Ryan.”
I kiss every inch of her as I slowly move inside her. My hands trace over every surface of her body, mesmerized by the feel of her skin. Her fingers run up and down my back and she gasps into my neck. I reach my fingers down between us, working them against her sensitive flesh where our bodies join. As her breathing picks up, I move my fingers faster, timing them with the thrusts of my pelvis. Her breathing hitches and I feel her walls tightening around me. I thrust harder, the feel of her quickly leading me toward my own release. We collapse against each other, panting. My lips quickly find hers again and I kiss her over and over as I come down from my high. When I finally break the kiss and pull back, she greets me with a smile.
“Can we do that again?”
I laugh loudly and gladly oblige.
The next two days pass entirely too quickly. There’s no real service for my mom. It’s just Haylee, Chris’s parents—Carrie and Will—and me. We bury her next to my dad and Noah. Nobody cries. We know she’s where she wants to be.
After the service, Haylee and I spend the rest of the day in bed. I have to leave in the morning, but neither of us is ready to acknowledge that. Instead, we spend hours talking and getting to know each other better. She tells me everything about her mom. About Amanda. She opens herself completely to me, and I’ve never seen her more beautiful. It’s as if a wall has been lifted and she’s finally allowed to shine through.
We also make love. A lot. Despite my initial concerns because of her previous experiences with sex, she completely warms up to me. I have to ask her about it. I need to make sure I’m not doing anything that makes her uncomfortable. She smiles up at me and answers, “It couldn’t be more different, Ryan. When I’m with you, there’s no place else I’d rather be. I’ve feared this for so long. I was so scared that I would never be able to enjoy this with someone. But with you, all those fears just melt away. There’s nothing here but you and me.”
When night rolls in, I order a pizza and we curl around each other and watch Netflix. We’re halfway through the first season of Dexter when she speaks.
“I don’t want you to go.”
I pull her against me, pressing my lips against her hair. “I don’t want to go.”
“So don’t. Let’s run away. Somewhere they’ll never be able to find you. We can go to Quebec or something.”
I laugh. “I hear Quebec is terrible this time of year.”
She giggles. “I don’t care where we go. As long as I’m with you.”
Well, hell. How am I supposed to argue with that?
“I’ll be home before you know it.”
She sighs. “I guess. I just have a bad feeling. Like I’m too happy. If you leave now, what’s to stop this from all blowing up in my face?”
I laugh. “Shhh. That’s just your old fears coming back to haunt you. You own me, Haylee. Mind, body, and soul. Nothing bad is going to happen to us. I promise.”
She burrows into my side, resting her head against my shoulder. We both turn our attention back to the screen. I feel my eyes start to drift shut when she speaks.
“Ryan?”
“Yeah?” I say, my voice husky with impending sleep.
“I love you.”
My head snaps up, all traces of sleep vanquished with those three little words. She smiles up at me. The feeling in my chest swells until it feels like it’s cutting off my oxygen supply. My lips crash down over hers. How in the hell did I get so lucky?
Ryan’s alarm blares and he reaches across me to silence it. Neither of us is asleep. I didn’t want to miss a moment with him. I’ll get plenty of sleep while he’s gone.
Ryan sighs and releases his hold on me. “I better go shower. Long flight.”
I nod, watching him cross the room. I hear the water turn on and imagine him stripping down. Before I can stop myself, I jump out of bed and pad to the bathroom, pulling off Ryan’s t-shirt I wore to bed last night.
I push open the door and enter the steam-filled room. He pokes his head out from behind the shower curtain, grinning at me. “Took you long enough.” He pushes the curtain out of the way, stepping aside for me to join him.
I step under the spray and gasp. “Holy shit. Are you trying to scald me?”
He laughs. “Hot showers aren’t always available out in the field. I gotta make up for it somehow.”
The reminder that he’s leaving causes me to lean into him. His arms circle around me, our bodies slick against each other. He drops a kiss to my shoulder. Spinning me around, his hands come up and cup my breasts. I can feel the length of him pressing into my ass. He trails kisses up and down my neck, nibbling and biting as he goes. When he reaches my ear, he tugs on my lobe with his teeth and whispers, “I’m going to miss you like hell.”
I crane my neck to meet his lips. He kisses me with such intensity my knees buckle His hands knead my breasts, fingers rolling over my nipples until I cry out from the sensation. He spins me back around and slants his mouth over mine. Hooking my right leg around his hip, he slams into me.
The other night I’d been so unsure of this. Of taking this step. I wanted him. God, I wanted him. But until he finally pushed inside of me, I’d been terrified. Not of Ryan. But of how I’d react. What if I freaked out? Went into full-blown hysterics. I hadn’t been with anyone. Not since that night.
Turns out, my fears were completely unwarranted. I’d psyched myself up so much that I was on the verge of causing my own freak-out when he’d finally slid inside me. And everything just melted away.
I didn’t think of the awful things that had been done to me. I didn’t think of Campbell and his betrayal or my mother and hers. All that was there were me and Ryan. The look in his eyes as he showed me just how much he loved me. The slow roll of his hips as he touched the deepest part of me. The tender caresses as he explored my body with his fingers. He’d been so patient. So loving.
Now, however, he pumps in and out of me so fast I’m unable to keep my balance. He wraps his arms around my waist, hoisting me up against the shower wall. I wrap my other leg around him, pulling him deeper inside me. He takes the speed up another notch. I open my eyes, desperate to watch him take me.
An almost crazed passion covers his face. When my eyes meet his, he slams me up and down even harder. “Come with me, baby. Come with me.”
His words send me spiraling out of control. I cling to him, my fingers digging into his skin as wave after wave crashes over me. I feel him follow right behind me, his warmth pulsing through me. He thrusts a few more times, groaning into my neck. When he finally stills, he slumps against me.
“Shit. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get so out of control. I wanted to be gentle…”
I cut him off. “Do not apologize. Not for that. Holy shit, you’ve been holding out on me,” I tease.
He laughs softly before shaking his head. “You’re the kind of woman a man should make love to. Not fuck against a shower wall,” he deadpans.
I meet his gaze head-on. “I don’t care what you do to me. As long as it’s you.” The complete trust I just confessed to him surprises even me. But I can see how much my words mean to him. And they were one hundred percent truth.
We stumble out of the shower together and go about our routines of getting ready. It feels so natural, standing next to him as he shaves and I blow-dry my hair. So domestic. I never dreamed I’d have this with anybody. And here I am with the most amazing man on the planet.
I drive to the airport, weaving in and out of traffic because our morning tryst put us behind schedule. He insists I just drop him at the entrance. “If you come in and I see you standing there all sad, there’s no way in hell I’ll ever get on that plane. And then we really will have to go on the run or I’ll get arrested for going AWOL.”
I laugh, the sound coming out more strangled than I intended. When I pull up outside the doors
, Ryan pulls me fiercely against him. “I’ll be back before you know it. Write to me every day, okay?” he says against my lips. I nod, even as he continues to kiss me. All too soon, he’s pulling away. He gets out of the car, opening the back door to grab his bag. He leans in the open window, giving me one last kiss.
“See you soon. I love you.”
“I love you too,” I say dumbly. There are so many things I want to say to him right now. But that’s the only thing I can get out.
He winks at me. Turning toward the doors, he hoists his pack up on his shoulder and walks away without another glance.
Later that night I walk into Gordon’s, ready to drown my sorrows. Amanda and Emma are supposed to be meeting me here, so I scan the room until I find them. It’s surprisingly busy in here tonight. Great for Gordon. Not so great for me. I need quiet and solace.
Emma waves at me when she sees me, motioning at me to make sure I see them sitting in the corner. I make my way across the room and plop down in the booth next to Emma. She slides a glass over in front of me. I grab it greedily, downing it in three huge gulps.
“Okay, spill,” Amanda says when I set down the empty glass. I slump back in my seat.
“I hate the Army.”
Emma raises her glass to me in a mock toast. “I hear ya,” she says before downing her own beer.
Amanda looks at the two of us, her brow cocked quizzically. “You two are so dramatic.”
I scoff. “That’s easy for you to say. Justin doesn’t leave you for months at a time to go risk his life. It’s not exactly easy seeing the man you love leave you to go get shot at.”
Amanda’s mouth drops. “Whoa. Whoa! Back the fuck up. Did you just say the words man and love in the same sentence? Like actually referencing each other?”
I grab a pretzel from the bowl on the table and chuck it at her. “Shut up. I would think you’d be thrilled at this new development.”
“I’m tickled fucking pink, Haylee. But holy shit. Give me some time to process this. You don’t just come in here throwing words like love around without warning. Give a girl a heads up next time,” she teases.
I throw another pretzel at her head. This time she’s expecting it and catches it deftly in her mouth. She throws her hands up in the air. “Two points!”
This is exactly why I called Amanda tonight. She never lets my somber attitude stick around for long. It’s impossible to be gloomy around her. She’s just so damn happy all the time.
Emma puts her arm around my shoulder, giving me a small squeeze. “I’m happy for you. Really. And I can finally say it’s about damn time.”
I laugh. “I know. I was so scared to tell him my past that I let it keep us apart. And you know what? He didn’t even bat an eye when I told him. Well, at least not in the way I expected him to. He did freak the hell out. He might’ve broken your favorite picture frame, Manda.”
She’s staring at me with even more incredulity on her face. “You told him? Like, everything?”
I nod. “We saw Tyler.”
Her surprised look instantly drops at the mention of his name. Ferocity replaces it. “Are you fucking kidding me? That son of a bitch better have kept his distance. I’ll kill him if he didn’t. Did he say something to you, Haylee? Tell me what happened.”
I slide out of the booth and move to her side. “I’m fine. Calm down, mama bear. He ran his mouth, of course. It’s Tyler we’re talking about here. He never did know when to shut up. I don’t even remember what he said. I was too busy freaking out. But Ryan took care of it. Scared the shit out of him judging by the look on his face when we left.”
“Good. That bastard deserves it. Deserves a whole hell of a lot worse if you ask me. Fucking scum.”
Amanda is one of the sweetest people I know. Unless you hurt her or someone she loves. Then the gloves are off. She transforms from the kind, friendly person everyone knows and loves into a raging, cursing terror. And she can hold a grudge like nobody’s business. Especially when it comes to me.
She hugs me. “I’m glad you’re okay. I knew that bastard was around here somewhere. I heard he got a job nearby. I just hoped you’d never run into him. Guess I should’ve warned you.”
I wave her off. “I understand why you didn’t. I’ve been such a mess. I’m so sorry for putting you through everything I have. Things are going to get better from here on out. I promise.” I squeeze her to me again, both of us blinking tears back.
She releases me and dabs at her eyes with a bar napkin. “Jesus. Enough with the lovey-dovey shit. I thought this was girls’ night. Hey, Gordon!” she calls out. “How about another round, yeah?”
Gordon shakes his head and finishes up with the customer he’d been helping before her interruption. A few minutes later he comes sauntering over, four beers in hand. He passes them out and then squeezes in next to Emma.
“Um, don’t you have customers to help?” Amanda asks as Gordon takes a swig of his beer.
“Earl can handle it for a few minutes. I need to have a drink with my girls.”
Emma laughs awkwardly, still unused to Gordon’s humor. Amanda and I just roll our eyes at him.
“What do you want, Gord?” I ask.
“I want to know why you came waltzing in here like you just invented the cure for cancer or some shit. You were unusually peppy. You’re not peppy,” he says, pointing at me. His eyes shift to Amanda. “You’re peppy,” he adds, almost as if the thought of Amanda’s cheer causes him pain.
We both start laughing and he winces. “See. This is my point. You’re never this happy. What gives?”
Amanda reaches over and shoves Gordon playfully on the arm. “Cheer up, you old grouch. Our girl here is in love. Be happy for her.”
Gordon groans. “Oh, god. I knew it. What’d you go and do a stupid thing like that for?”
I laugh. “Couldn’t help it, Gord. It just kinda snuck up on me.”
He sits with us a few minutes longer, finishing his beer and keeping up his grumpy persona. When he stands to leave, he pulls me from my seat. He lifts me off the ground in a massive bear hug. “I am happy for you, sweetie. You deserve a little happiness in life. You just tell this son of a bitch if he hurts you, he has to answer to me. Got it?”
The tears start to threaten again. Jeez. After all the tears I’ve cried in the last few days, you’d think there’d be nothing left. But these are tears of a different sort. I blink them back and give Gordon a kiss on the cheek. “Thank, you Gordon. Love you.”
“Love you too, sweetie. You’ve got yourself a lucky man. I hope he knows that.”
He turns and heads back to the bar, calling out a snide remark at Earl. Earl flips him off, not even lifting an eye from whatever he’s doing behind the bar. These two men have been such a blessing in my life. They might not look like much to most people. But to me, there’s nobody better.
The three of us stay for a few more hours, nursing our beers and shooting the shit with Gordon and Earl. The place clears out fairly early. I guess people have bigger and better places to go. For me, there’s no place else I’d rather be right now. The only thing that would make this night better would be if Ryan were here with me.
The image of Haylee sitting in her car before I turned to walk away is permanently etched into my brain.
Walking away from her was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, and I’ve dealt with some pretty difficult shit in my life. The ache in my chest was so deep I thought it would crack me in two. And no matter how desperate I was for one last look at her, I knew I’d never get on that plane if I turned and saw her in tears.
So instead, I kept walking. And now the last image I have of her after our blissful few days together is one of her sitting in her car, probably craning over the passenger seat to catch my air kiss or to give me one final, gorgeous smile. I can imagine the heartbreak written all over her face when I just walk through the doors without so much as a glance. Why am I such an asshole? I know now the kind of suffering she’s had
to endure. And instead of reassuring her, I just waltzed on out of there like it was nothing. What a dick.
Of course, the moment we landed I rushed to Sarge’s office to beg for use of his computer so I could email her. I needed her to know that I didn’t turn around because I’m a coward. That it in no way diminished the fantastic few days we had together or the things that I’d said to her. I meant every word. I shot off an email so fast that even I could hardly make sense of it. I’d been awake the entire flight, worrying. Now I was a bit loopy and slap-happy. Haylee’s response was instant. She must’ve had her email pulled up on her phone.
That damn winky face made my heart hammer in my chest. I’d never been one for emoticons before, but that stupid little winky face had just become my favorite damn thing on the planet. Next to Haylee, of course.
So yeah, leaving Haylee was hard. But reuniting with my brothers made me realize it was all worth it. When I walked into the barracks and saw those three sons of bitches sitting around a card table, it took everything in me to choke back my years. Instead, I dropped my duffel and called out, “Hey, dickheads! Did you miss me?” I was instantly enveloped in bear hugs and manly claps on the back. Haylee might be my new home, but these guys will always be my family.
Now, I’ve been back a week and am seriously starting to question my sanity. It’s been a week of supply run after supply run. Boring upon boring upon boring. Topped with more boring. And heat. Jesus Christ, the heat. What the fuck am I doing here when I have a gorgeous girl at home waiting for me?
Scott chucks his empty water bottle at my head. I see it coming out of the corner of my eye and I’m able to get my hand up just in time to deflect it. I smack it back in Scott’s direction and he laughs.
“Had to make sure you were awake, man. You’ve been staring out that window for so long, not moving a muscle, I thought maybe you’d gone into a trance. Thought maybe somebody did some voodoo shit on you or something. Like you were under a spell.”
