Putting Alice Back Together

by Carol Marinelli

‘I’ll do it next year.’

  Fifty-Nine

  From: Nicole Hunter

  To: alicelydiajameson@hotmail.com

  Subject: News

  Hi Alice

  I have tried to ring a few times. Hope this means you are busy and having fun. It is great to be home and I am busy catching up with everyone.

  Alice, I don’t know if this will come as a surprise or a shock—I hope it will be a nice surprise!

  Paul asked me to marry him. I was hoping it would happen—in fact, I was on high alert the week before as he took me to this really romantic place (a castle). Anyway, it didn’t happen then. It was when he was opening up the shop—I was yawning and he turned around and just said it. It was actually very romantic.

  As you know Rita is here, and I have been offered a permanent position at the London branch, which is very exciting. We have decided to get married on New Year’s Eve—I remember you saying that your sister did—well, it makes sense—that means you guys can come out! You said you were hoping to get back and see your mum, and Roz is always saying she wants to bring Lizzie to the UK for a holiday.

  The thing is, what with the wedding so soon, I can’t afford to come back. I know I have to sort out the flat and rent, etc., and I will do that properly with you, but for now I am still on a buzz and wanted to share it with you.

  I know you will be happy for me.

  Nicole

  She was telling me what to do—the appropriate response.

  How come everyone seemed to move on with their lives, and I just stayed the same?

  I hit ‘Reply’.

  From: Alice (alicelydiajameson@hotmail.com)

  To: nicsalawyer@hotmail.com

  Subject: Re: News!

  What a surprise—I knew this was coming.

  Well, good luck.

  Are you sure you will be happy?

  He’s a barista for fuck’s sake.

  You don’t even like sex.

  Why is it everyone who leaves me ends up happy?

  Alice

  I didn’t hit ‘Send’. I’m not that unlucky. I hit ‘Cancel’.

  Are you sure you want to move away from this page?

  OK

  I hit ‘Reply’ again.

  From: Alice (alicelydiajameson@hotmail.com)

  To: nicsalawyer@hotmail.com

  Subject: Re: News!

  Ohmygod

  Fantastic!

  I knew, I knew, I knew. I know you two are going to be so happy.

  New Year! How romantic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Will do my very best to be there, but am a bit broke. This has to be quick as I am on my way out.

  Will email properly soon.

  A xxxxxxx

  PS Have you heard from Hugh? I think he is back in UK.

  Okay, so now I didn’t have a flatmate.

  I knew Nicole would do the right thing and chuck in a month or so’s rent but I felt the bubble of panic rising. I went to the bathroom and I looked through the cupboards—right at the back where I’d kept a few—but Hugh had been thorough in his locate and dispose mission.

  I wanted a drink. I knew Roz would be here soon, but if I dashed out I could make it back. I had my jacket on, I was checking for cash in my bag, and then Roz came to the door.

  I almost didn’t answer.

  I just wanted her to fuck off and leave me alone.

  I was sick, so sick of her asking if I was okay. Or was I feeling better yet? Fed up with her telling me it would be okay, when I still felt like this.

  ‘Where are you going?’

  ‘Just…’ I couldn’t think of anything to say. ‘For chocolate.’

  ‘I’m on a diet, remember.’ Roz rolled her eyes. ‘Lizzie’s orders. Come on,’ she said, ‘we need to talk.’

  The books were wrong—the universe was not kind, it didn’t reward hard work.

  I had hauled myself out of bed.

  I was getting dressed by now, going into poxy work each day. I was seeing Lisa; I was staring at that shagging photo and trying to like her—did I get a reward?

  Did the universe treat me gently as I struggled to recover?

  No, I lost my flatmate and when I sat down with Roz I found out I had to lose my car too.

  ‘I need a car!’ I had nothing—nothing to show for the spending except a car that I had, despite everything, kept up the payments with. There was just a year left on the lease and then I could pay the balloon and I’d own it.

  ‘There’s no hope of you paying off the balloon,’ Roz said, as I sat firm.

  ‘How am I supposed to get to work?’

  ‘Public transport.’

  ‘What about when I go away?’

  ‘You can’t afford to go away.’

  Roz, I realised, would make a very good tax inspector, because lovely, lovely Roz, when it came to work, when it came to figures, was just—immutable.

  ‘You need to ring all the credit-card companies and sort out a plan.’

  ‘I can’t.’

  ‘You can.’

  God, but I needed a drink, except I didn’t have one. I did everything she said and I’m not going to say it was nice, it was awful, but I was still trying.

  I really was trying.

  And did I get a reward? Did anything get easier?

  No, it got harder.

  Every day it just got harder.

  From: Nicole Hunter (nicsalawyer@hotmail.com)

  To: alicelydiajameson@hotmail.com

  Subject: Re re: News!

  Alice

  You *have* to be there.

  I know you can’t afford it, but since when did that stop you? Please, please don’t think of not being there.

  Paul’s brother has backed out of the coffee shop. The day before signatures, can you believe? Paul’s upset, of course, but he’s being amazing—he’s not going to give up. I’m sure it will still happen.

  Nic x

  PS Yes—so sweet—Hugh couldn’t stay away from Gemma. Aunty Cheryl is planning the wedding! He said you were great—so thanks for being so nice.

  I felt like a plank with bits of nails being hammered in.

  At some level I had known and accepted it was temporary. Even as we’d made love, even with everything he’d said, in my heart of hearts I had known that Hugh and I weren’t real. That I would lose him, just as I was losing Nicole.

  It hurt far more than it possibly should, though.

  And just when it couldn’t get much worse, I lost my job as well.

  I gathered up all my self-help books and all my New Age stuff and put everything in the recycle bin, except for Yasmin’s book which went in the shredder.

  The universe sucked.

  Sixty

  It wasn’t that dramatic.

  I wasn’t asked to clear out my locker and escorted out of the building.

  But the meeting I had been dreading for close to two years now was called. I could feel the sweat beading on my forehead as they spoke about voluntary redundancies and packages and though they said voluntary, really, there was no guarantee, they said, that this type of package would be offered again.

  I could feel Roz’s eyes on me when I came out of my one-on-one meeting. Roz’s job was okay, because she was a casual (yep, thanks a lot, universe).

  ‘This is good,’ she said, dragging me over to a coffee bar and going through the details of the package. ‘You can get another job.’

  ‘Doing what?’ Okay, I hated my job but I’d been there years, it was my place, it was what I did, where I went. I couldn’t stand the thought of applications and interviews and meeting new people.

  ‘You can pay off some of your cards.’ She squeezed my arm. ‘Alice, you can pay off most of your debts.’

  ‘And keep my car?’

  Roz closed her eyes and for a horrible second I thought she was going to get cross, but she didn’t. ‘Maybe. But…’ She didn’t finish. I took a sip of coffee and lost the roof of my mouth it was so hot. ‘This is the best thing that could happen,’ she said firmly.
‘You’ll get another job—you can start over again.’

  Bonny agreed.

  Lex was away and I ended up there for dinner. She drank wine, and I did too, I mean I had lost my job.

  And I wasn’t an alcoholic. I hadn’t had a drink for ages and Lisa said it wasn’t for her to say that—only I could decide. Though she was happy to add that I had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol.

  So would she tonight.

  I had just lost my bloody job—I was surely entitled.

  Well, Bonny got the kids to bed and we sat on the sofa and it was so nice to relax.

  ‘Lex will put in a word for you,’ Bonny said, because he was high up now at the pharmaceutical company. ‘I know there aren’t loads of jobs, but they are hiring.’

  ‘I don’t know anything about drugs,’ I said, and then we both started laughing.

  ‘You won’t be doing anything like that,’ Bonny consoled. ‘He’ll find you something in Reception or something easy.’

  ‘I’m not thick.’ I bristled.

  ‘No,’ Bonny said, ‘but you need to be concentrating on you now. The last thing you need is some high-stress job.’

  Which made sense.

  ‘Things are looking up, Alice.’ She was being so nice, except I didn’t feel much better.

  ‘Dan said I should think about going back to study music.’ Bonny looked at me for a long time before responding.

  ‘Would you get in?’

  ‘Probably not,’ I admitted.

  ‘Why would you set yourself up for a fall, Alice?’ I could see the concern in her eyes, her struggle to say the right thing. ‘Alice, you can’t support yourself with a job—how on earth would you manage as a student? How long’s the course?’

  ‘Three years.’

  We chatted some more, and the more we chatted the more I realised the impossibility of it. It was a relief when she changed the subject. ‘You said Roz was thinking of moving in?’ Bonny said. ‘But I thought she was serious with Karan.’

  ‘She is. They just…’ I didn’t want to tell Bonny everything. ‘They’re just not ready to live together yet.’

  Okay, I won’t tell Bonny, but I’ll tell you.

  It’s fascinating, actually.

  They have all sorts of problems that we don’t have to think about.

  Gays, I mean.

  Roz is fresh out of the nest, according to Karan.

  And Karan is her first love.

  Well, it’s complicated, because though Roz is sure that Karan is ‘the one’, and Karan is sure that Roz is ‘the one’ too, Karan has been burnt by someone just fresh out of the closet once before and she isn’t ready to take the risk yet. So while Karan waits for Roz to suddenly realise there are thousands of women to choose from, and while Roz tries to convince her that she won’t, the answer is simple.

  Roz would move in with me.

  ‘This is the best thing that could have happened,’ Bonny said firmly. ‘Roz is great, she’s just what you need right now, and I know it must feel awful to lose your job, but think positively: you’ll have your car; you can pay off some of your debts.’

  I slept on the sofa—there’s no spare room at Bonny’s thanks to her amazing ability to reproduce—and even though it was my first drink in ages I couldn’t sleep. I lay there for ever, telling myself it would all be okay, that Lex would find some work for me, that my money would get sorted, that I got to keep my car.

  I felt shocking in the morning.

  I felt like I used to feel every morning. Bonny wasn’t looking too hot either. Somehow she got two kids off to kinder and the babies were in their pen in the corner like little monkeys at the zoo.

  ‘Stay a bit longer,’ Bonny said.

  ‘I can’t. I’ve got an appointment.’

  ‘With your counsellor?’ (She didn’t like the word ‘psychologist’.) When I nodded she gave me a worried little smile. ‘Surely you can reschedule it? Come to the gym with me.’ Her face lit up. ‘You should join!’ she said. ‘Exercise is supposed to be good for depression!’

  ‘I’m broke,’ I reminded her.

  ‘You can pay as you go.’

  ‘I can’t afford to.’ Except she wouldn’t hear otherwise. She would pay for me, buy me some gym gear. We were the same shoe size. On and on she went, but I hate the gym, even the thought of the gym makes me feel ill. Even with my obsession with staying slim I couldn’t bring myself to go there. Oh, I know she meant well, I am sure that for most people it is great for depression and that exercise is good and all that—it’s just not for me.

  ‘I don’t want to go to the gym, Bonny. I want to go and see Lisa. It helps.’

  ‘Alice.’ Bonny took my hands, ‘Don’t you think…? Well, aren’t you seeing a bit much of her? I mean, I’m glad you can talk to her and everything, but…’

  ‘She helps.’

  ‘There’s nothing wrong with you,’ Bonny said. ‘You had a shit experience ten years ago. And, yes, Mum and Dad got divorced. All this self-analysis, I think it gives you problems that aren’t even there.’

  I didn’t go to the gym. I was very good and went to see Lisa, but privately I was starting to think that Bonny was right.

  Nothing had gone well since I’d started seeing Lisa.

  If anything, my life was just a whole lot worse.

  Sixty-One

  ‘Are you sure that’s a good idea?’

  I hadn’t come to see Lisa to talk about Roz moving in—I was there today to talk about Hugh, but the second I mentioned it in passing, she jumped in, uninvited.

  ‘Roz is moving in?’ She sat there peering at me for a long time and then asking if I had thought this through.

  I had. It was a brilliant idea, on so many levels.

  Roz was a friend, one who supported me. It showed how much I’d come on—I couldn’t care less that she was gay (well, occasionally, I did, when we were out and I just knew people were assuming we were partners). She gave me unconditional love and I was grateful for it and, apart from that, I needed a flatmate!

  And I told Lisa the same.

  ‘Another injured bird,’ Lisa said. ‘You’ve amassed quite a collection. And what do you mean by “unconditional?”’ Still Lisa peered. ‘What exactly do you mean by that, Alice?’

  ‘What I said.’ I was flustered. ‘And I give the same back.’

  ‘Till they leave you.’

  Bonny was right—Lisa saw problems when there were none.

  ‘You love people with problems, don’t you, Alice? And the juicier the better, because it makes you feel better about your own. You pour all your energy into helping them, but the funny thing is, when they start to get better, you resent them.’

  ‘I don’t.’

  ‘Roz is finding her feet. She has to come to terms with being a gay woman, a mother. She is dealing with her family’s rejection of her. She’s in a relationship, and soon she won’t need you as much, Alice, and you will resent her.’

  She was wrong—there was nothing I wanted more than to see Roz happy.

  ‘After all you did for her,’ Lisa said, and for a second I thought she was impersonating me. ‘After all the times you were there for her.’

  Er, actually she was impersonating me!

  ‘All the support you gave her—’

  ‘I’m not like that now,’ I interrupted.

  ‘Roz will leave, Alice,’ Lisa said. ‘Just as Nicole did, just as Dan came out of the closet and moved on. Now, you can be stuck in that flat resenting her, or you can be so busy with your own wonderful life that you’re able to be genuinely happy for her.’

  I didn’t respond, but bloody Lisa did.

  ‘If not, I guess there’ll always be another little bird to take in, another little broken thing to fix,’ Lisa said, and she looked at me. I think she was waiting for me to say something or ask a question, to ask who, but I just sat there.

  Didn’t want to go there.

  ‘If Roz moves in, there have to be conditions.’

 
‘Conditions?’

  ‘That you allow the other to grow and that, at any time, you are both free to leave.’

  And then she went round and round the houses, spoke about sodding boundaries. Nicole was building them now, apparently, Lisa said, and Dan was just starting to.

  ‘And Roz?’

  ‘Roz,’ Lisa said, ‘arguably has a greater self-loathing than you—which is why you can so easily manipulate her.’

  ‘Oh, so I’m manipulative now?’

  ‘I find you extremely manipulative, Alice.’

  What?

  ‘When?’

  ‘Consistently. You try to control the universe with your wishes and your cosmic orders, and when that doesn’t work you turn your attention to the human race.’

  What the hell was she talking about?

  ‘You try to manipulate everyone.’ She stared at her pad as my cheeks burnt. ‘Well, almost everyone.’

  I didn’t ask who she was referring to.

  The strange thing with Lisa is she doesn’t really give out answers. Oh, she’s extremely delighted to voice her opinion when asked, but generally she questions things, questions me, which in turn makes me question myself.

  She sort of leads me, not to conclusions, but to a place where I can see.

  And often I don’t want to.

  ‘As you grow,’ Lisa said, ‘as you change, there are people who aren’t going to like it. People you think will automatically support you are actually going to do everything in their power to hold you back. They like having you around, Alice. They like watching the train wreck of your life, because they get to feel better about themselves.’

  Sixty-Two

  ‘Hey.’ Roz was lounging on my sofa (she’d practically moved in anyway), looking as fed up as I did. Karan wrapped Lizzie’s hair in foil. ‘How was it?’

  ‘Enlightening.’ I rolled my eyes and Lizzie giggled.

  ‘You’ve got roots,’ Karan warned, as if I didn’t know.

  Two inches of ginger roots, and my straggly, half-straightened hair was tied back in a ponytail and I was also, as Roz kept telling me, completely broke.

  I was (and this shows how far I had come) thinking of buying a mid-brown hair dye from the supermarket. Blonde was bloody hard work, and anyway all the celebs went brown when they got serious.