His Cowboy Heart

by Jennifer Ryan

  “You feel me, Firefly. I’m right here beside you. I will never let anything happen to you. I’m not taking you to town. We will be alone. You and me. At my place.” Ford squeezed her tight shoulder. “Come with me today. Let me show you the ranch I’m building.” So much pride and anticipation filled his voice.

  She stared straight ahead, her heart thrashing in her chest. One simple thought took hold in her mind that had the power to destroy her if things didn’t go well. She’d get to spend the day with him.

  “What if I can’t do it? What if I freak out and get lost in the past and . . .” She didn’t know what else, but something equally terrible, like her trying to hurt him again.

  “So you do. We get through it. We keep moving forward. We stick together.”

  We. That sounded so good to her.

  But could she do it?

  “Stop talking yourself out of it. You can do it. You want to do it. You’re scared. I get it, Jamie, but you need to fight that fear and learn to live again. Baby steps, like you coming over to my place where it will be only me and you.”

  They used to be an “us.” They used to stick together. Until he didn’t want her anymore. The old wound opened and bled. How long before that happened again?

  “That scares me, too.”

  “I know it does. You’ll get used to it. Just like you’re getting used to me touching you.”

  Lost in her head, she hadn’t paid attention to him brushing his fingers up and down her back. It felt nice. Familiar. Her muscles loosened. The tension she fought every second of the day eased.

  Afraid to give in to her urge to believe it meant more than simple comfort and touch him back, she rose and headed for her room, calling over her shoulder, “I’ll be dressed in a minute.”

  She didn’t even make it to her room before another seed of hope sprouted out of her battered heart. That bomb had blown up her truck and someone had shot her. Those things froze her in that moment and drew a black curtain over her future, but Ford had managed to pull it back and give her a glimpse of a future she thought she’d lost.

  She wouldn’t allow herself to hope for more than a chance to spend the day looking at him and remembering what they used to have, the way they used to be. Maybe that was all she’d get. She’d take it, because he was the only good and bright thing keeping her from falling back down into that deep dark pit she’d dragged herself out of a few short days ago.

  She’d go. She’d try. And maybe, even though it felt like it, it wouldn’t kill her.

  Chapter 10

  Ford pulled into the driveway and stopped the truck in front of his house. Jamie remained smashed against the passenger door—as far away from him as possible. He tried not to take it personally. Especially after the way she’d hesitated at the threshold of her door, afraid to go outside and leave her hideaway where she felt safe. Afraid she’d lose her shit and embarrass herself or hurt him again. But she stepped out and climbed in his truck anyway. The girl still had guts. She had more strength than he’d ever given her credit for, and he should have because she’d been brave enough to leave everything behind and find a purpose and direction in her life that she loved. Part of the reason she felt lost and disconnected was because she’d been so wrapped up in her job and the family she’d become a part of with her military friends. He doubted she’d spent many days alone in the military. Here, she isolated herself. The nights they had dinner together, she ignored the calls coming into her phone. He doubted she called her friends back. She hadn’t even called her brother back.

  He wanted her to start living again. That meant getting her out of the house and out of her head.

  Every night he drove over to her place a ball of nerves and deep concern, afraid that she’d be in a bad place, lost in some nightmare, or simply gone again, too distraught to stay here anymore. He worried he’d never get a chance to make things right and see if what they had in the past could be the foundation for an even better future.

  These last few days he’d seen glimpses of the Jamie he used to know. This morning, she’d actually seemed happy. He wanted more of that for her.

  He wanted to share this place with her.

  She understood his need for something of his own to pass on to the family he wanted to have, a family she’d wanted with him a long time ago. He hoped she still wanted that, because he needed her sweetness and tender care back in his life. All that love that used to pour out of her had filled the void his parents, and especially his mother, left in his life. His brothers and grandfather cared for him and about him, but until Jamie came into his life and showed him that a kinder, gentler kind of love could mean so much and sink so deep, he hadn’t realized how much he’d missed and craved it.

  He wondered if she thought about the dream they’d once dreamed together that evaporated the day she left and he was trying to rebuild right now.

  “Jamie, this is Sadie’s old place. I moved in a few months ago. What do you think?” Until this moment, he hadn’t realized how much he wanted her to like it. How much he wanted her to be here with him.

  Sadness filled her eyes and tilted her lips into a soft frown. “I always wanted a house with a long, wide porch.”

  “I know. And a swing.” He pointed to the one he’d put up two days ago between the living room windows. “The vegetable garden still needs to go in.”

  Her gaze shifted to the tilled earth surrounded by a wood and wire fence to keep the critters out. A soft smile touched her lips. The dreamy look in her eyes told him she was picturing the lush plants and abundant vegetables, too.

  They’d talked a lot about the house they’d share, the land he wanted, the business they’d run together. When Sadie offered him the house and property, he’d instantly thought of Jamie and how perfectly this place matched the dreams she’d shared with him about the kind of home and life she wanted with her husband, kids, and horses. The kind of life she wanted with him.

  Here it sat, ready for her to accept it, if only she could look at him again the way she used to. If only she could believe in and trust him again. If only she loved him the way she did before he turned his back on her when he should have held on to her. To love.

  “Sadie and Luna fixed up the inside for me. It’s really nice.”

  “Big.”

  “Yeah, sometimes the place feels like way more than one person needs.”

  “A place like this needs a family.”

  He wanted that more than anything. Ford stared at the house and land. “Yes, it does. I’d love to see my kids playing tag in the yard and riding horses in the fields.”

  Her gaze swept over the house, stables, and pastures in the distance. “This is a great place, Ford. Everything you ever wanted.”

  “Almost.” He didn’t elaborate, but her nod told him without words that she understood he meant that she was still missing from this perfect picture.

  “You know what I miss most about the military? My friends, but also the routine and having a purpose. You said Colt delivered some horses. Want some help with them? I can do some of the easy chores. I need something to do.” Hope lit her eyes.

  The shock of her words made him question if he’d heard her right. He’d thought to ease her into coming here. Start with today, get her to come again tomorrow. He’d tempt her with the horses she adored, keep her close, until she enjoyed being here with him.

  “You’re hired.”

  “I didn’t mean that. You probably have several people working here.”

  “Not yet. I need to hire some help soon, so I’ll start with you.”

  “Ford, I have some money saved up. I have a place to stay. You don’t need to pay me. I just thought this would be a good start for me to get back to work.”

  “It’s a hell of a lot of hard work. It’s a chance for you to be productive and a part of something again. A part of this.” He nodded toward the ranch spread before them. “With me.”

  She pressed her lips together so tight, they disappeared into her mout
h until she made up her mind to say what was on her mind and clouding her eyes with second thoughts.

  “I don’t know how much help I’ll be. I can’t raise my left arm very high.” She adjusted her shirt, trying to pull it up and over the scars on her shoulders and neck. “The burns . . .”

  “You can tell me anything, Jamie. What about the burns?”

  “The skin is tight, gnarled in some places with scar tissue. It makes it hard to move sometimes. My muscles lock up. It hurts.”

  “Zac mentioned you need physical therapy. You need to work on your range of motion in your arm, shoulder, and back. Rebuild the muscles and your strength. You can do that here. We’ll start off slow. You’ll do what you can. No pressure.”

  She shook her head. “Ford, I’m happy to give you a hand here and there, but taking on the big jobs, you need someone who can actually do the work. Not me.”

  “I want you.” He let that hang between them in the silence filling the truck cab. When he got nothing but her confused stare, he opened his door, got out, shut the door, and rounded the hood, going to her side. He opened her door and held his hand out to her.

  She sat back, staring at him. “You’re asking too much.”

  “I’m asking you to try. I’m asking you to believe in me again.” If she believed he could do this, put this ranch back together and make a real go of it, he knew he could do it. And maybe in rebuilding this place, he’d find a way to rebuild their relationship, because he couldn’t fail again. Not with her.

  He reached for her hand. And just like the old Jamie, when something scared her, or she thought it too hard to do, she dug deep and marched onward. She put her trembling hand in his, sucked in a steadying breath, scooted off the seat, and stood in front of him. Close. He gave her hand a little tug to draw her with him. She pushed the door closed and walked with him to the stables, her hand in his.

  Ford pushed the barn doors open and stepped in with Jamie right beside him. Three horses nickered their hellos and hung their heads over the stall gates.

  “Meet the guys.” He pointed to the horses in turn. “Dusty, Mo, and Ash. They need to be brushed. Check their hooves for stones. Dusty likes to kick over his water bucket. It probably needs to be refilled. Ash has a sore on his right hind leg. The medicine is on the counter outside his stall. Clean the wound before you put the ointment on it.

  “You need a purpose, a daily routine, and a place where you belong. Everything you lost. Here it is, Firefly. This is where you belong.” He hoped someday soon she thought so, too.

  “I don’t want to disappoint you.”

  “Never, Firefly. You do what you can, work on getting better, that’s all I ask.”

  “Um, what are you going to do?” Her hand trembled in his. Her gaze took in every inch and dark corner of the interior. He hoped it was being in a new place that was making her so nervous and not him.

  “Muck out the stalls and get to work on some of the other items on my huge to-do list.” He squeezed her hand, then reluctantly released her to go to Ash’s stall door and give the big gray gelding a pat down the nose. “Let’s get to work,” he ordered, hoping that would get Jamie moving before she bolted out the door. He slid the stall door open and hooked the lead rope to Ash’s halter and led him out into the alley. “Come here, Jamie.”

  Drawn to the horse like he hoped she would be, she slowly walked over and brushed her shaking hand down Ash’s side. She used to love to go riding with him. She loved to pet the horses and talk to them at Kendrick Ranch.

  He loved seeing the soft smile on her face. He should have thought of this sooner, but it mattered so much more that Jamie wanted to work here despite the way she second-guessed herself. One more step forward.

  Ford tied off the lead rope and backed away from Jamie, giving her space to settle down and relax. She dropped her purse on the table outside the stall and grabbed the brush he’d left out for her. She held it in her right hand and stroked it down Ash’s long neck.

  “Use your left hand to do the front of him. As you move around to the other side, use it to do his back end.”

  “Ford, I told you . . .”

  “You need to work the muscles to build them back. Take your time. When your arm gets tired, switch to the right. He’s not that tall. You might be able to do his back. If not, you’ll work your way up to doing it over time.”

  Jamie stared at him over the horse for a good ten seconds. “You won’t quit, will you?”

  “Not on you.”

  Her eyes filled with a soft warmth. She took the brush in her left hand and raised it up the horse’s side. She slid the brush along Ash’s coat in slow, awkward, and deliberate motions. He tried not to stare, and grabbed what he needed and went into Ash’s stall to clean it out. It gave him the perfect excuse and line of sight to spy on her without being obvious.

  The way her eyes winced with pain as she worked tore at his insides. He wanted to tell her to stop. He’d do it. She should just rest and let it be. But that was exactly the opposite of what she needed. So he sucked it up, endured the nagging instinct to protect her from any more pain, and let her do the job. She did the best she could, working the brush over Ash’s coat, but it was far from what Ash needed. He’d have to go over him again later tonight. That wasn’t really the point. This was about Jamie and what she needed.

  By the time he finished cleaning out the stall, Jamie had finished brushing down Ash. A fine sheen of sweat glistened on her face. The seemingly simple task had sapped her energy and left her weak. He went to the tack room down the aisle and pulled a bottle of water out of the small fridge. Most of his supplies and tack needed to be sorted, organized, and hung or stored. He hoped Jamie would help him out and take care of the task. He hoped that despite how hard this seemed for her, she came back tomorrow and kept at it. He wanted to see her healthy and well and this was a means of making her strong again in body and mind. If she felt a sense of accomplishment and pride in a job well done, no matter how long it took her to finish the task, then she’d get better.

  God, he just wanted her to feel better.

  Ash rubbed his big head against Jamie’s shoulder, pushing her back a step with his affection. Jamie pressed her fingers to her chest, rubbing at the pain that also filled her eyes.

  “You okay?”

  “Sore. Tired. But in a good way.”

  Ford handed her the bottle of water. She tried to squeeze it in her left hand and twist the top off with her right, but muscle fatigue made her left hand shake and the bottle slipped free. He caught it before it hit the floor, twisted off the top, and handed the bottle back without comment. She took it and drank deeply, glancing over at her purse on the table.

  “If you need your meds, Jamie, take them.”

  She took another deep swallow of water, eyed him, then went to her purse and pulled out the bottles of pills. Figuring if she couldn’t open her water bottle, no way she’d get through the childproof safety caps, he walked up behind her and reached for the first bottle of pills. Jamie sidestepped, jumping away, and putting him square in front of her rather than at her back.

  Shit. His mistake.

  “Easy, sweetheart. I just wanted to help you.”

  “Ford . . .” She held up her hand and let it fall, staring at him with a look that begged him to understand everything she didn’t know how to say. “I’m sorry.”

  “Nothing to be sorry about.” He handed her one of the pain pills. “I shouldn’t have come up behind you like that.”

  “It seems so stupid and unnecessary and crazy.”

  “It’s a survival mechanism. One you’ve been taught due to extreme circumstances. I get it, Jamie. For now, take that pill. Take a break. I’ll put Ash back and bring out Dusty if you’re up for more.”

  “Sure. Just give me a few minutes.” She opened and closed her left hand several times to work out the soreness he read on her face.

  He took her hand in his. “Jamie, if you need to rest, I’m fine with that. You can
hang out while I get some things done. I’ll take you home if you want me to.”

  Jamie pressed her lips together and stared at the ground. “Would you do something for me?”

  “Anything.”

  She tilted her head to the side just enough to glance at him with one eye and squeezed his hand. “Get out.”

  His head whipped back with surprise. “I’m sorry.”

  “Go away. Leave me with them. I can’t relax and focus on the movements I need to make to work my shoulder when all I can focus on is your eyes on me. I’m self-conscious enough as it is, but feeling you makes it harder.”

  He squeezed her hand back. “You haven’t really felt me yet, Firefly.”

  A soft blush tinged her cheeks pink.

  He used his free hand to brush a thumb over her soft skin. “Okay.” Ford turned to go.

  Jamie tugged on his hand. “Okay?”

  With his back to her, he smiled, but let it fall when he turned back to her. “Did you want me to stay?”

  Her hesitation in letting go of his hand only made him grin.

  Jamie dropped his hand, but she didn’t back away. “Sometimes I want to smack that cocky smile right off your face.”

  Kiss me and I won’t be able to smile. At least not on the outside. They weren’t quite there yet, but they’d made progress. One step forward.

  For all her nerves and wanting to be alone, she actually wanted to be alone with him. She wanted him there, but not watching her. Nearby, but not underfoot.

  “I’ve got a gate to repair out in the corral.” He pointed just out the wide doors, turned, and went out to do the job, so he could let the horses out later.

  Three steps away from her, he stopped in his tracks and shook his head.

  “What is it?” she asked.

  “Nothing.” Except he must really care about her if he was willing to go through all this to spend time with her. As much as she wanted him near, he wanted to be with her even more.

  Jamie breathed a sigh of relief when Ford walked out and gave her some space, but it only took a minute for her to feel the walls close in on her as the quiet and unfamiliar shadows unsettled her.